Scar Wars - Episode IV: A New Gash | Mental Poo

Monday, October 22, 2012

Scar Wars - Episode IV: A New Gash

As I recently turned the magical age of 44 recently, I began contemplating my body during one of my 15 trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night and I should probably have my prostate checked now that I'm thinking about that.

Sorry. At this age your mind wanders.

Regardless, I was thinking about all the goddamn surgeries I've had since my body started to reject itself on or around the age of 40.


To make this easier for you to digest, I've taken the liberty of cataloging all my visible scars with a little synopsis (or link to the story I wrote about) of each one.

You may notice in the diagram a bit of an exaggeration.

I don't have that much hair in real life.

The Scars:

1) Eye'm stupid

This little ditty is about about 1/2" long and directly above my eye.

I got it when I was in the gym doing tricep pushdowns from an overhead pulley, and just completely released the bar for no reason other than I'm a fucking moron. The weight attached to the cable shot down, flinging the metal v-shaped bar straight up into my head narrowly missing my amazingly green sexy eyes by a mere fraction of an inch.

And then I stumbled away bleeding like stuck pig.

Not embarrassing AT ALL.

2) Earring divot

You can read about my awesome earring adventure here, which happened - oh - way back in like 1989 but I still have the little hole in my ear that makes people look at me and, go..

"Um. Dude. Do you have an EARRING?"

3) And the thyroglossal duct cyst said, "Got any grapes?"

When I was little I had a lump in my throat and my crack pediatrician told my mother it was just my Adam's Apple.

Upon second opinion, the lump actually ended up being a cyst that eventually would have choked me to death..probably saving me from a life of further scarring, now that I think of it.

Back then, there was no such thing as a 'malpractice suit' otherwise my butler would be typing this shit out for me.

4/5) The Cold Shoulder

After years of getting cortisone shots in my shoulder for a calcium deposit I decided to just have the doctor go in and clean that sucker out.

I listed this as '4/5' because I have scars on both the front and back of my shoulder from this surgery and also having a total of 15 scars seems pretty badass.

One of the last things I remember him saying is, "Someday we will probably have to do this for the other shoulder."

My other shoulder clicks now.


6) WTF

I had this weird pink dot growing on my bicep.

Me: "What is it?"
Doc: "I have no idea. Let's remove it and send it to the lab."

Thus, the scar from the removal and subsequent butchering of the incision.

Doc: "We have the results back from the lab."
Me: "Give it to me straight, doc. What is it?"
Doc: "They have NO idea."

The lab had no idea. None.

I'm guessing conjoined twin. At least that's what I've been putting on my resume.

Next Episode:

Scar Wars - Episode V: The Scalpel Strikes Back


Shirley Ewe-Jest said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Badass is right! Love this post except for one glaring omission -- we all want to hear about the large black bar in the middle, AMIRIGHT, LADIES!?!

Unknown said...

You are too funny! and of course, badass!

Kerredith said...

The big black bar in the middle is my favorite... ;)

Ellie M said...

Dude, I'm a medical coder and your anatomy drawing seems...lacking. I need to see it in person to confirm proportionality of body parts.

meleah rebeccah said...

AhahHAhhAhah! Hilarious, as always!

chemgirljaime said...

oooooh... i like this idea.. I might just steal this for my next blog!

Pearl said...

I have several scars that only ever mention as having come from "my years at Heidelberg".

I think it makes me sound bad ass. :-)


Shieldmaiden96 said...

Is the length of that black bar just lazy Photoshopping or was it necessary? Asking for a friend.

Brett Minor said...

NO IDEA! That always reassuring when talking with a medical professional.

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