Maybe my kindergarten was a little different | Mental Poo

Monday, May 27, 2013

Maybe my kindergarten was a little different

So I was at a wedding recently because people who get married think it's a great idea to 'share their day' and 'make people watch' and 'be bored' and 'OH MY GOD THEY HAVE OPEN BAR SO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.'

Open bar is always an exception to ANYTHING.

During the ceremony, one of our friends got up and read quoted from the book, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten."

Of course, as she's reading them I'm thinking:

"This is such bullshit."

Sharing?

Play nice?

Be aware of wonder?

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So I started thinking about why MY list would be if I wrote about everything I learned in kindergarten:

1) If you beg like a monkey with a thermos cup on your head, people will give you their Cheetos.

2) There is no such thing as self-respect in kindergarten (see #1).

3) Never trust anyone named 'Craig.'

4) Paste tastes like shit.

5) White glue tastes worse than paste.

6) Kindergarten teachers apparently let you eat all their art supplies.

7) Even at the age of 5, you can pretty much tell who is going to end up in prison someday.

8) If a girl hates you then it means she likes you.

9) If a girl likes you then you should pretend to hate her.

10) If a girl likes you but you don't like her and you tell her then she will make up lies about you and write things like 'YOU ARE POOP' on your desk IN PEN.

11) There is no such thing as 'too many pencils' because they all disappear at some point.

12) If you put a tack on the chair of an authority figure, they will NOT be happy.

13) There actually IS such a thing as a free lunch. But it smells terrible, tastes worse and people will judge you if they see you getting one.

14) You can show people your new toys that you think are really cool and impressive but deep down no one gives a shit.

Man.

I wish I could have spoken at the wedding.



7 comments:

Pat said...

This is what I learned in kindergarten. We used to take naps back then. I liked a boy named Ed. I used to be sure to lie down near him at nap time. It never impressed him. So lying down my body for a boy never got me anywhere. THAT'S what I learned in kindergarten! Oh yeah! And I can remember the song that I sang for kindergarten graduation. Don't ask me what I ATE yesterday, but dang if I can't sing that tune at a drop of a hat!

Eva Gallant said...

Great post....but I loved Pat's comment even more!!!

Matt Conlon said...

I think I knew that kid Craig...

I learned that if I wasn't listening during "rug time", it was fine, as long as I didn't interrupt the teacher with "Guess what I did yesterday?"

I remember nap time too, although they called it "quiet listening" time, and we got to hear classical music.

Kindergarten in 1983 was NOTHING LIKE what my daughter went through a couple of years ago. When I started first grade, I began the task of learning to read. When she got into first grade, she could write a paragraph.

I'm thinking she'll be smarter than me by Jr. High.

Rebecca said...

As someone who has worked with many a kindergartner.....and some of those kindergartners are now ...old enough to get themselves into trouble and for that trouble to be broadcast in newspapers and television...........I have to say that sometimes you DO know as young as kindergarten who will end up in jail.

So number Seven is so true.

lacochran's evil twin said...

But you ARE poop.

You know, in the best possible way.

Vicky said...

Damn I knew I had a deprived childhood I never went to kindergarten !!

Paula Wooters said...

"Kindergarten teachers apparently let you eat their art supplies." Yep, I gave up arguing about that one long ago. It's not worth the breath. Same with band-aids. Much easier just to plaster them with band-aids than to try to rationalize with them about why they don't really need one.

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