Jury Doodie

My wife has jury duty today.

This is, like, the 5th time she's been called to appear for jury duty.

I'm 46 years old and have never been called. Not once.

Although, I may have - because I tend to throw away everything that looks like junk mail unless it's from Publisher's Clearing House because someone has to win, right? Exactly.

Related: I am subscribed to 400 different magazines.

In New Hampshire, they apparently require you to show up on FOUR CONSECUTIVE MONDAYS to see if you'll be needed. This is great because the courthouse is about an hour away and they pay you $20 for the day so it's like getting a raise.

I should probably switch careers.

So we woke up in the morning and my ADD was in full-force trying to get sex by suggesting I 'yell at her foreman in the boat,' 'finger the defendant' or give her 'my oral argument.' Then she rolled out of bed and I kept thinking of things because that's what I do.

But before she left, we tried to think of some ways she could get out of her jury duty altogether.

1) What to Wear

We had 3 surgical masks lying on the kitchen table because we didn't have kids this weekend and we like to get our freak on. As such, I suggested that my wife show up like this:

Personally, I didn't like the mask that was attached over my mouth because you couldn't see the buck teeth I was making. She nixed this idea, primarily because the masks were no longer sanitary from the night before.

We have zero shame.

My next suggestion was something like this:

Simple, yet understated, this was also nixed because we couldn't find the shoulder pads.

Sadly, I discovered them after she left at the bottom of our bed.

Like I said, ZERO SHAME.

2) How to Act:

Some of my suggestions on what she should do while she was waiting included:

Selling copies of my books
Shooting people with imaginary guns
Flipping a coin while saying 'guilty,' 'not guilty,' 'SHUT UP SHUT UP'

3) The texting

Well, none of that worked so she was stuck in a room with a bunch of people. That's when she started texting me non-stop. It's 8:53 AM on a Monday as I write this and she's been seriously texting me without any breaks and it's really putting a cramp on me pretending to do work.

Case in point: