Beckham can bend my shiny white ass | Mental Poo

Monday, May 04, 2015

Beckham can bend my shiny white ass

By the time you read this, I will have coached my first kids U12 (Under 12) soccer game of the season.

I fucking hate soccer.


The only reason I'm coaching is because (a) no one else would step up to coach, (b) there are some pretty hot soccer moms on the team this year and I look good and (c) see (a). Parents suck.

This is the second season I've had to do this. Last season, I was 'assistant coach' but the 'regular coach' didn't really do anything but she's a woman and you can't say anything about a woman stepping up her game because then the totally shut down the V on you.

I hope my wife isn't reading this.

This season, she decided to not 'coach' so, unfortunately, I was the only one. Keep in mind we have 22 kids on the team and I'm the ONLY person to step up and coach. This really sucks - especially when two of the kids on the team literally flap their hands as they run down the field. Like birds. Little soccer birds. Little soccer birds who can't score or defend for shit.

I cry sometimes.

Not really knowing or liking the game can be a big disadvantage when you're, you know, coaching it.

If you're in this boat, I've created some handy-dandy skills you can use during practices. The last practice we had was actually run by a semi-pro and I just tagged along. By 'tagged along' I mean 'tried to understand wtf he was saying because he was Irish or Scottish.'

Ever single thing the guy said made me want to fertilize my lawn. I'm pretty sure he also said "Blarney Blarney" a lot.

That said, here you go. Good luck, you poor bastards.

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