My Vasectomy, Part 3 - Consultation 101 | Mental Poo

Monday, September 24, 2007

My Vasectomy, Part 3 - Consultation 101

When we last left off, I was detailing my decision to go ahead with a vasectomy. This blog will also revolve around my groin - almost like it has gravity.

As mentioned, the vasectomy appointment is broken into two parts – a consultation is the first appointment, and then actual permanent deformation of my genitalia comes next. We had just started going on about the consultation part in my last blog, so let’s recap:

1) The consultation was given by the doctor’s assistant, a woman.
2) It was not a sexy experience.
3) I was told that I’d have to toss glue 25 times after the operation, and come in with the 26th sample.

So, I get to the office where the doctor’s assistant begins telling me what’s going to happen on the day I come in, what the operation is going to be like, and what I’ll need to do post-op (besides cry). She proceeds to show me pictures of male anatomy that was obviously modeled by John Holmes. I mean, who IS this guy that they drew the picture from? He must get SO many chicks, unless of course his dick is all see-through like it is on the display cards she’s showing me (think those "Visible Man" models). Then it’s just gross and he probably gets as much sex as I do.

What I found most interesting was the post-op part. Apparently, after a vasectomy, there is a good chance that your balls will swell to the size of grapefruit if you don’t take care of them. Although this may be a normal look for the guy who models the penis pictures in the office, this would not be good for me - a man 5’2” in height. I will try very hard to avoid grapefruit balls – as not only will they be extremely large on my little frame, but you certainly won’t want to pop them in your mouth after just brushing your teeth.

So, I’ll need two full days of rest with an icepack on my groin. THIS, I like. In fact, if I could weasel out two full days of relaxation every weekend, I’d see if this could be done as a monthly procedure. After the two days of rest, I have to restrain from heavy lifting (including my kids) for a week or two. DONE. How can this get any better? Will I be required to only eat hot dogs during recovery? I mean, aside from someone digging into my sack with a scalpel, this is all sounding pretty good so far.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

it all sounds pretty good? You haven't encountered your wife post surgery yet. She is going to be thoroughly annoyed with you being such a baby about a one inch incision on your balls. After all she did have two kids and I can almost guarentee, she did not have two days of REST. Trust me it is not going to be as glorious as you imagine.

DVeau said...

Arrgh - "Anon" beat me to it... You guys are the biggest wusses in the world, especially when it comes to anything having to do with your junk. This is why men don't give birth. They'd be on their asses the entire 9 months, demanding sponge baths and waitservice, and would then take the next year off afterward. Medals would be received instead of handing out cigars. -All the while bragging about how they endured the delivery, when in reality they never would have felt a thing because they'd be screaming for an epidural the second the first labor pain hit.

moooooog35 said...

I KNEW I'd be getting the "you men are such wimps" speech at some point. It's true. I'm a wuss. However, on the flip side of that coin...

..although we've never pushed a nine pound moving being through one of our orifices, we HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT EVERY SINGLE TIME we choose to whine about something. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Let it go. You did your thing...now it's done. Let me have my thing. I'm not going to hold the "I had my balls cut" thing over your head when you're 50 and having menapause hot flashes. For this, I promise.

Dollars Not Debt said...

I had a vasectomy experience that was unpleasant. i wrote about it in my blog. getting your sack sliced open is the easy part, the horror begins when the tubes are yanked/cut/burnt.

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