That’s all the text message said.
It was about 9 in the morning. I was working, when my cell phone buzzed.
“1 New Text Message”, it said.
I viewed it – I was curious. No one texts me. Here’s what was on my screen:
That’s it. Just “BWB!” was written there. I checked to see who it was from – it was my buddy who sat in the next cube.
Curious, I shouted over the wall, “Hey…what’s with BWB?”
There was no answer. He wasn’t there.
He was in the john.
I'm trying to figure this acronym out without success (like a fucked up vanity plate you can't decypher). Frustrated, I give up.
When he eventually returned from his doodie duty, I asked him again:
“What’s BWB?” I asked.
With an excited tone of “duh – you should know this” in his voice, he answered:
“Blue Water, Baby!”
Blue Water, Baby.
To recap: BWB = Blue Water, Baby
Now, for those of you don't work in an area with public restrooms, or whose morning bowel movements aren’t something you look forward to, this article is going to skip right over your head.
However, for the rest of us we know that there is one shiny, glimmering beacon of hope in the otherwise desolate and dreary workplace.
Amidst the dreariness of cubeville, and the monotony of staring at porn on your work computer without trying to get HR involved, there is...may I say it...
This shimmering rainbow in a sky of despair only comes to those lucky few who get into work in the wee hours of the morn…
...and have to poo.
It’s blue water.
Blue, untainted, toilet water.
(skies open, God rays shine down, choir kicks in)
For those of you failing to grasp the significance of this, think about it for one moment.
When you have the - dare I say it - religious experience of opening the bathroom stall, peering into the crapper and seeing that heavenly blue water, you know this:
1) The toilet is clean
2) You’re the first one on there that day, and are giving it it’s inaugural poo!
3) You’re not sitting on, and merging with, other people’s ass cooties!
4) You’re setting the bar for which all other ass cooties will follow that day.
5) People will be running from YOUR ass cooties(as well as any butt or short curlies that may become dislodged and land on the seat). Finally, the shoe is on the other foot (or, more appropriately, the bun is on the other cheek).
It’s a glorious thing.
I’m not sure that it’s so glorious that you have to text your friends about it, but it’s a wonderful thing nonetheless.
Seeing the blue water means that you don’t have to squat.
You don’t have to wipe the seat before you sit.
And it definitely means that you don’t have to try to figure out those damn paper toilet ring protector-things that you’re supposed to drape over the toilet seat before you sit down.
...ugh...those paper thingies...
I’m not sure if I’m the only one, but I’m 39 years old and – to this day – have no idea how to put those paper ring things on a toilet seat. They need to put instructions on the dispenser.
I mean, there’s this goofy paper cutout thing that hangs down in the middle. Does that thing hang down in the front of the seat, or the back?
If I place it so it hangs down from the front, I pee on it.
If I place it so it hangs down in the back, I poop on it.
No matter which way I put it, that paper dangly thing sticks down into the water and starts soaking it all up out of the toilet…water creeping up ever so slowly towards my seated carcass (queue Jaws music).
Then, if you realize that it’s seated incorrectly, you stand up a tiny bit to move it into the correct position. At this point, the automatic toilet flusher kicks in, thinking you’re leaving, and sucks the stupid thing down the toilet anyway.
To add insult to injury, because you’re only seated an inch away from the seat and the toilet flushes with enough force to take the paint off of a Sherman tank, you get sprayed with – oh the HORROR – toilet water all over your bum. You clench your bumhole closed in an effort to stop these spraying droplets from actually penetrating you (an affliction known as IAC - Internal Ass Cooties).
...this is not how I wanted to start my day.
As such, I say screw the paper ring things…I’ll take my chances with the ass cooties, thankyouverymuch.
So, remember, the next time you enter the haven of all havens and a sea of clear, bright blue water is there to greet you…just think about what a great day it’s going to be...at least for you.
Then remember to text your friends.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007