A Commode, Untainted | Mental Poo

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A Commode, Untainted


BWB!

That’s all the text message said.

It was about 9 in the morning. I was working, when my cell phone buzzed.

1 New Text Message”, it said.

I viewed it – I was curious. No one texts me. Here’s what was on my screen:

BWB!

That’s it. Just “BWB!” was written there. I checked to see who it was from – it was my buddy who sat in the next cube.

Curious, I shouted over the wall, “Hey…what’s with BWB?”

There was no answer. He wasn’t there.

He was in the john.

I'm trying to figure this acronym out without success (like a fucked up vanity plate you can't decypher). Frustrated, I give up.

When he eventually returned from his doodie duty, I asked him again:

“What’s BWB?” I asked.

With an excited tone of “duh – you should know this” in his voice, he answered:

“Blue Water, Baby!”

Blue Water, Baby.

To recap: BWB = Blue Water, Baby

Now, for those of you don't work in an area with public restrooms, or whose morning bowel movements aren’t something you look forward to, this article is going to skip right over your head.

However, for the rest of us we know that there is one shiny, glimmering beacon of hope in the otherwise desolate and dreary workplace.

Amidst the dreariness of cubeville, and the monotony of staring at porn on your work computer without trying to get HR involved, there is...may I say it... 

HOPE.

This shimmering rainbow in a sky of despair only comes to those lucky few who get into work in the wee hours of the morn…

...and have to poo.

It’s blue water.

Blue, untainted, toilet water.

(skies open, God rays shine down, choir kicks in)


For those of you failing to grasp the significance of this, think about it for one moment.

When you have the - dare I say it - religious experience of opening the bathroom stall, peering into the crapper and seeing that heavenly blue water, you know this:

1) The toilet is clean

2) You’re the first one on there that day, and are giving it it’s inaugural poo!

3) You’re not sitting on, and merging with, other people’s ass cooties!

4) You’re setting the bar for which all other ass cooties will follow that day.

5) People will be running from YOUR ass cooties(as well as any butt or short curlies that may become dislodged and land on the seat). Finally, the shoe is on the other foot (or, more appropriately, the bun is on the other cheek).

It’s a glorious thing.

I’m not sure that it’s so glorious that you have to text your friends about it, but it’s a wonderful thing nonetheless.

Seeing the blue water means that you don’t have to squat.

You don’t have to wipe the seat before you sit.

And it definitely means that you don’t have to try to figure out those damn paper toilet ring protector-things that you’re supposed to drape over the toilet seat before you sit down.

...ugh...those paper thingies...

I’m not sure if I’m the only one, but I’m 39 years old and – to this day – have no idea how to put those paper ring things on a toilet seat. They need to put instructions on the dispenser.


I mean, there’s this goofy paper cutout thing that hangs down in the middle. Does that thing hang down in the front of the seat, or the back?

If I place it so it hangs down from the front, I pee on it.
If I place it so it hangs down in the back, I poop on it.

No matter which way I put it, that paper dangly thing sticks down into the water and starts soaking it all up out of the toilet…water creeping up ever so slowly towards my seated carcass (queue Jaws music).

Then, if you realize that it’s seated incorrectly, you stand up a tiny bit to move it into the correct position. At this point, the automatic toilet flusher kicks in, thinking you’re leaving, and sucks the stupid thing down the toilet anyway.

To add insult to injury, because you’re only seated an inch away from the seat and the toilet flushes with enough force to take the paint off of a Sherman tank, you get sprayed with – oh the HORROR – toilet water all over your bum. You clench your bumhole closed in an effort to stop these spraying droplets from actually penetrating you (an affliction known as IAC - Internal Ass Cooties).


...this is not how I wanted to start my day.

As such, I say screw the paper ring things…I’ll take my chances with the ass cooties, thankyouverymuch.

So, remember, the next time you enter the haven of all havens and a sea of clear, bright blue water is there to greet you…just think about what a great day it’s going to be...at least for you.

Then remember to text your friends.

BWB

34 comments:

Monday Morning Power said...

Only you could write an essay on BWB. Luckily, over the last 12 years, I have been able to work form home... there is nothing like it. In the beginning of my career (??) I was in cube hell and I know exactly what you are talking about. In fact in the car, on the way into the office, I would actually begin thinking about the BWB, and being the first one to use the toilet. It's funny, but it was always the drive into work that acted like a laxative for me. I know TMI (too much information.)

clairec23 said...

You're an awful fecking eejit :) I would bypass all of that crap easily because I NEVER use those toilets. No feckin' way.

That automatic flush thing sounds scary.

Nice imagery by the way - I'm still humming the music from Jaws...

C.Rag said...

There's one guy at work who has a major pooping problem probably b/c he only eats slim fast & yogurt. He takes his whole entire briefcase with him to the bathroom. We all know that he'll be in there stopping up the toilet like he does every day. I'm not kidding! The office manger has the plumber on speed dial for him.

Cindy Breninger said...

hehe, interesting. :) Reminds me of the worst first date I ever had. After licking his fingers, smacking his food, and eventually forgetting his wallet, he looks up from his cleanly licked plate and says, "So, what do you think about those blue things they stick in the toilets?" Oh gawd, he was dead serious too. Do you, by chance, happen to know him? hehe If you ever got to northern CA, I could introduce you, you guys might have lots to talk about. ;)
Cindy
www.adayinthelifeofcindy.blogspot.com

Cindy Breninger said...

hehe, interesting. :) Reminds me of the worst first date I ever had. After licking his fingers, smacking his food, and eventually forgetting his wallet, he looks up from his cleanly licked plate and says, "So, what do you think about those blue things they stick in the toilets?" Oh gawd, he was dead serious too. Do you, by chance, happen to know him? hehe If you ever got to northern CA, I could introduce you, you guys might have lots to talk about. ;)
Cindy
www.adayinthelifeofcindy.blogspot.com

Prin said...

The flappy part goes over the front of the bowl, doesn't it? Like you know how there's a break in the front of industrial toilet seats that reveals the nasty porcelain underneath? It covers that. I thought that's what it was for, anyway.

I've never had blue water here, but some days, you walk in and it smells heavily like men's cologne, and that's when I know it's fresh (and maybe the sleazy cameras have been replaced).

Jolean said...

I always thought the flappy part went in fron too.. I understand about the blue water.. it is nice to see that. but as a woman i have mastered the hover and squat technique pretty well, so most of the times, i say F it to the seat covers anyways.. If i gotta go, i'm not wasting any time enduring the cramp-ies to pull apart the perferations for that thing!

cardiogirl said...

Love the last visual of the Super Power Flush. Good job.

Like jolean I hover and have thighs of steel so I have no experience with the "cover."

My first thought was: this dude brought his cell phone into the crapper? Hmmm.

'Nuff said right there.

robr said...

If your cleaning people are anything like the ones I have in this building, BWB most certainly does not equal "clean". They use buckets that never get cleaned, then a dirty mop and just swish around the bacteria on the floor and the toilets and stick the filthy mop back in the unwashed buckets. Sometimes they don't even dump out the water from the bucket, they use the same bucket, same mop and same water all week long.

Blue != clean

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i work in a very small office, 12 of us total. only one of my cowkorkers is a boy, so we all use the mens bathroom (we have two single occupant bathrooms, mens & womens) to take a shit in. today was a double bonus, BLUE WATER in the boys bathroom. i knew then it was gonna be a good day!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Here I thought BWB stood for belligerent white boy!

Guess you learn something new everyday.

Emmy said...

Awesome post, I really enjoyed reading this it made my day. ;)

moooooog35 said...

On a related note...I had BWB THIS MORNING!!

...been whistling all day long...

..I just hope I don't have to go again.

Malach the Merciless said...

I pity the English language

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Be
Water
Baptized

Cash said...

Silly Hu-Mans!

I just poop in your yards & watch as you step in it.

I chuckle to myself.

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

moooooog35 said...

Malach: !?!?

Pope and Cash: I think I speak for all of us when I say:

wtf?

PB&Junk said...

Congrats on the BWB this morning!

I know nothing about that cuz I have FTA (foreign toilet anxiety).

Baba Doodlius said...

It would have been so much more considerate of your office mate to use that phone to take a purty picture of the event and e-mail it to you. Three little letters just don't convey the magnitude of the situation.

clairec23 said...

I second that wtf and add a feckin' eejit...

suchsimplepleasures said...

nothing better than a bwb...i guess. me, i like filthy, dirty toilets...makes me feel like i'm at home.

PB&Junk said...

My boyfriend says you're supposed to put the flappy thing on the toilet seat paper thingy in the back so when you drop the hammer it prevent backsplash

good luck

Pat Z said...

I am overwhelmed ... I have never used one of those cover things because I am not that mechanical. As far as texting from the toilet, I think your cubie needs a hobby or a pet of some kind ... a gekko perhaps.

sxdiva said...

Poop at home.

Jezebel VonTizzle said...

ass cooties?!?!! This is the most amazing word combination I've heard all day....

we linked you. ;)

Joeprah said...

That is absolute genius! Funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thanks man!

Sara Sue said...

Nice photoshopping moooogie! I'm curious if your readers who talk about hovering can poop while they're in that position. I can hoverpee but no way I can hoverpoo. How 'bout you?

Kitty said...

I sniggered at the post, and I sniggered at the comments too - great blogging.

I am a paper thingy virgin :-O I've never seen one before, let alone used one. Surely your employers should be sending you on some sort of training course if they want you to use complicated technical equipment?

Jolean said...

Thinking about you today as you go for your surgury.. hope all goes well!

AngryMan said...

Real men don't talk about bowel movements. This is sick, man. You're sick, get help.

moooooog35 said...

Thanks to everyone who commented on this post - I'm glad I'm not alone in regards to public toilets.

Angryman: Real men talk about three things:

1) Sports
2) Women
3) Poop

You may need to re-evaluate your priorities if a good BM isn't in your daily vocabulary.

If you're really good, you can combine all three in one sentence:

"Holy SHIT. That female volleyball player is hot!"

It's a science. You'll get it if you keep at it.

Vanessa said...

oh my god, this blog is awesome! Love the BWB...

HeyJoe said...

Moog,

I’m sure that by now you’re already aware of it, but the “technical” term for the paper thingy is ASS GASKET.

Just for future reference.

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

I think this is an obvious sign I need to quit my job. Because not once in the history of working here have I seen blue water in a toilet bowl. I don't think we even do that.

Which is now leading to a dreadful realization that maybe we don't clean our toilets.

*whimper*

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