V-Day is D-Day | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 25, 2007

V-Day is D-Day

Today is the day.

Yes...it's Vasectomy Day.

My personal D-Day.

In approximately 4 hours, my twins will be excavated. Ugh.

In preparation for Vasectomy Day, I've done the following:

1) Showered
2) Shaved my nutsack
3) Applied Britney Spears new perfume to said nutsack to make this a pleasurable experience for the doctor
4) Bought a jock strap

I hadn't worn a jock strap since Little League...where I was a 120 pound eight year old, who managed one hit in his entire 3-year career.

My most memorable moment in Little League was hitting a grand slam (completely by accident). I then watched as my mother - who was so surprised that her little tub-o-lard could actually motivate himself to run without food as a reward - leap out of her chair, trip, and tumble down the hill where all the moms and dads were sitting...rolling into the fence surrounding my dugout and damn near breaking her hip.

So I took my son to the local Wal-Mart in search of a jock strap. Nothing more embarrassing than asking the GUN GUY where the jock straps are...you see, he was probably teased by jocks in High School, and is damn near ready to take you out.

I didn't actually see anything called a "jock strap." The closest thing was "Full Supporter with Cup." Okay, I'll get the cup one..it's all they had. I was told to get two because of, well, seepage.


I have a 32-inch waist, so I pondered between the 28-32 inch waist, and the 32-36 inch waist. I went with the smaller one...as the object is to keep your junk in TIGHT after the operation. They don't want your berries jumping around like they're in a swing dancing competition.

Anyway, since it's important to let your child participate in things to feel involved, I let him carry the supporters.

...which he dropped at the checkout line...busting the container open...and shooting two nut-cups across the floor...scattering throughout the line of the people behind me. This then forced me to go "cup hunting" through the crowd...who was obviously afraid to touch the damn things to help me. I mean, it's where my junk is going to go...no one wants anything to do with THAT.

I got home, and tried one on.

Should have went with the bigger size.

I basically looked like a watermelon being stuffed into sausage casing. My package was somehow shoe-horned into the cup...my muffin-top spilling over the 28-32 inch waistband.

So sexy.

My wife went out last night and got me an actual jock strap. Normal size.

This one isn't the whole "underwear with cup" thing...it's basically a thong with a cloth area for hiding your package.

I tried it on. My junk was once again stuffed into a tiny little hammock. The back-end of the jock strap kind of went around my hairy ass like a two-strap thong.

I looked at my wife who was adjusting it from behind.

"Sexy?" I asked her.

She looked up at me...my hairy little ass staring at her face a mere three inches away...

"Not so much."

Wish me luck. This time tomorrow, I'll be fully intimate with a frozen bag of peas.


FreeOscar said...

No wonder I've had this song in my head..."Num Nuts Num Nuts Roly-Poly Num Nuts".

I've been singing it to CockMaster to annoy the hell out of him.

This whole time I should be doing it to you.

Good Luck!

Elise said...

Good Luck! Don't worry in a few days you can ask your wife for a nice massage to erm ease the pain...

Anonymous said...

Well, that made me cross my legs...Good luck with the op, hope you're not in too much pain tomorrow.

Skryker said...


Good luck, and I hope everything goes well for you.

*moment of silence in tribute to fallen "twins"*

Anonymous said...

I'll be wishing you luck and no pain!

suchsimplepleasures said...

hey...good luck. i've been trying to get my hubby to do this for years. i heard it's a no brainer :)

Anonymous said...

Good times!
I will give you one tid bit of advice.
when the doc says "do not do any strenuous activity" listen to him!!
my friend thought since he was feeling well he could do a little around the house while he was off work. he didn't even do that much strenuous, actually. the day after said activity his ninnies grew to the size of small oranges. needless to say, he regretted it severely.
Not trying to scare you. Just a bit of advice.
Everyone else I know who went through this clain its virtually a breeze.
much luck~d

minxxx said...

ohh good luck
and il have a think about your tattoo ideas!hours of endless fun to be had i think!

Emmy said...

Good luck, and think of the advantages, whenever wherever ;)

Kitty said...

Snip, snip, snippety snip. Got my fingers, arms, legs and eyes crossed for you. Hope it all goes well.

Sara Sue said...

my muffin-top
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good luck, hope you test negative!

Anonymous said...

You have scarred me for life with the mental images you have implanted into my brain.

The best to you and the purple helmet warrior...

Baba Doodlius said...

Have fun with the ol' snipper-snipper!

Malach the Merciless said...

HAPPY VASCETOMT DAY . . . yadda yadda

whatagem said...

If the surgery doesn't make you sterile, just wear the cup for a while. That should do the trick.


prin said...

Nothing says sexy like "stuffed junk".

Sorry I didn't get to wish you luck. I have no good excuse, really. Sorry. I'm glad you did ok without my luck. :)

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