IH8 Vanity PL8TES | Mental Poo

Friday, October 19, 2007

IH8 Vanity PL8TES

Vanity...thy name is dickhead.

I thought about vanity plates on my way home from work yesterday, where I happened to be behind a car with one.

I figure that there are three types of people in the world who have vanity plates on their cars:

1) People who have something to share about themselves
2) People who have something to say about their cars
3) Jackasses

The person I was behind happened to be from Category #1.

...shall we begin...?

Category #1: People who have something to share about themselves

I don’t mind vanity plates – in fact, in my younger days I used to have a sweet 1970 Oldsmobile scream machine with one.

The plate said, simply, “Rowdy”. This, I suppose, also puts me in Category #1.

Now, “Rowdy” wasn’t necessarily my mantra back in the day. It was more in line with the fact that – at the time – there was a wrestler named “Rowdy Roddy Piper”. My name happens to be “Rod”, so this was a suggestion of one of my friends. When you coupled the plate to the screaming fast classic car, it all just fit together nicely. Hooking that same plate to my Honda CRV these days simply wouldn’t fly.

..so I get an exemption from being made fun of.

However, the car I was behind said this:


He’s an engineer (I was able to figure this out even with the lack of the letter "I" in the word - maybe I should get a plate that says "SMRT").

How utterly fantastic for you, Mr. Engineer.

..you're apparently "living the dream" and want to shout to the world..."I'm an Engineer!!"

All together now:


Category #2: People who have something to say about their cars

I hate these people…and I don’t understand them.

I was behind one the other day - a Corvette. The plate said:




So…it’s YOUR Corvette. No kidding. I thought it was MY Corvette. Thanks for clarifying that – because I was confused about not only the make of the car, but who owned it.

I damn near got into your shiny red Corvette instead of my piece of dogsh*t CRV...thank GOD I saw the license plate just in time.

I’m so much better off now than I was before I left the house. I’ve heard about people compensating with their Corvette…maybe the plate should have said:


Well…at least the Vette guy went so far as to write “MY” in front of the car name. It seems that the more money you make, the better the car, and the dumber your vanity plate.

Like, for instance, sitting behind a Mercedes E320, and the license plate says:


Gotcha. Thank you for telling me the make of the car you purchased by displaying it on your license plate.

The silver badge on the back that says “E320” didn’t exactly do it for me. Seeing it twice, well…that really cements down the actual make of the car for me. Thank you so much.


Speaking of jackasses…

Category #3: Jackasses

The only good thing about vanity license plates is that – when in traffic – other people now have something to do to keep occupied (aside from actually paying attention to the road to avoid crashing). You get to decipher the plate in front of you while sitting in crappy, hideous traffic. Plus, as an extra bonus, you might smile a bit if the people did it correctly.

This takes a hideous, horrible turn, though – when you CAN’T decipher this plate for the life of you. These people should be lumped into the same group as the morons who spell out their car names on their plates.

We’ve all done this – gotten behind the guy with the license plate:



So you spend the next half hour contorting and twisting the thing to try to make sense of it. You ask your copilot for assistance. Are you supposed to read it backwards, like an ambulance? Well, crap - it doesn’t make sense reading it backwards…it comes out “Yellamru” or “Yell am are you”. Dammit. Let’s try saying the whole thing really fast: “urmal3why”…nope. Is the “3” supposed to be an “E”? You say it again: “urmaley”. Nope – not that, either. Is “UR” supposed to be “You Are”…or did they just miss a couple of letters…so it’s supposed to be “You RiM All Three…Why?”

WTF?!?! HELP ME OUT HERE!! It’s not fun for us if we can’t figure it out! And if it’s an inside joke (like, it’s some scientist who tells you it’s the formula for Scope mouthwash), then WHY put it on a license plate when only 3 people in the whole world will figure it out?! If that’s the case, I’m going to get out of my car, pull you by the hair out of your window, and beat you over the head with your own plate until you tell my why I’ve just wasted a half-hour on a private joke, and now I have a headache.

Why do these people need to share?

Why do I care what you do for a living, or how many kids you have, or that you “LUV2SEW”? I’m glad you love to sew…but you don’t have to make me read about it.

Should I pull them over and congratulate them on making it to “engineer” status in their career…..or stop them and ask them for tips on how to knit?!?

Ugh. It makes me want to pull the joke I pulled on my buddy a long time ago, where I made a license plate out of cardboard and taped it over his back plate (he was parked facing the building we worked in so he didn’t see it until days later). The plate said:


…was pretty funny. (This was way back in the day before being gay was accepted as mainstream, so please – no hate mail). Anyway, he got me back by filling my car up to the window sills with those Styrofoam packing peanuts. Touche, my friend...touche.

At the very least, I’d much rather be behind someone with an imagination or creativity when deciding on their vanity plates. I had a friend in high-school who had two really good plates:



(translated loosely to “I ate you before” and “F*** you”). Nicely done. I give it an 8 out of 10 on the creativity, and 10 out of 10 on intentional humor.

So let’s all pitch in and get one vanity plate for the “MYVETTE” people, and the “E320” people and the “Undecipherable” people, that simply says:


That would be BYUTFUL.


AngryMan said...

Maybe vanity plates hate you?

Elise said...

As it so happens I saw a really annoying plate on my way to work today

H0TM41L I mean come on! you can't drive a peugeot 206 & wear cheap sunglasses and claim anything of the sort!

Polgara said...

One of my husbands bosses is called Sue Toner, her numberplate is STONER.
She didnt understand why everyone was laughing, she was far to up-market (or thought she was) to know that a "Stoner" is someone who smokes pot......not something a managing director should advertise really lol

FreeOscar said...

Rod is such an porn name. What's your last name?

Moooooog35 said...

Angry: Vanity plates may very well hate me. But I don't care. I hate them more. I'm a dick like that.

Elise: I'm with you. After my 1970 car got stolen, I had a bright red Oldsmobile. I got a plate that said "RedRod". I realized that this had a number of connotations to it...one indicating that I had a venereal disease, and the other that I was in the porn industry. Neither was true...although the latter would have been nice.

Elise: I saw one that said - and this is true - "LUV2DNC". I'm assuming that the person wanted to say "Love to Dance", but - if you know - the technical term for an abortion is "DNC" (Dilation and Curettage) - which put an evil twist on the license plate. DNC could also stand for Democratic National Convention...which is actually even more horrific if you think about it.

C.Rag: My last name is "Penetration"

Moooooog35 said...

Not enough coffee yet...that third paragraph in my last comment was intended for "Pizza."


DVeau said...

Sorry, but I'm in favor of the vanity plate. (my motorcycle used to have -4Q- )
-I had to lose it when the kids started asking what it meant.
(say it aloud a few times, if you haven't figured it out)

My problem isn't with the plates..it's with the State Plate Nazi's who tell you what you can and can't have on your plate. They make it so hard to piss other people off..

Bruce said...

So, did you ever figure out what that was supposed to say. I sure as hell couldn't.
And C.Rag is right, Rod is a great porn name. Right up there with Lance and Dirk.

Sara Sue said...

I'm not surprise at all that your name is Rod. However, the Penetration part took me aback.

Skryker said...

You get a pass on your "Rowdy" plate simply because it's related to Piper.

I've only seen 2 vanity plates that were, IMO, clever. One was "MEANDMY" and was on a Honda Shadow; the other was "GZNTEIT", and the plate was right below the tag that said Isuzu.

Corny, but I liked 'em!

Anonymous said...

Apparently I've been blessed with the fortune of never coming across a vanity plate.

Agreed on the porn name.

Malach the Merciless said...

I have always wanted one that says
blw job

Nellioness said...

Hey-hey Rodney! You've been tagged on my blog ;)

Joanne said...

You crack me up! It reminds me of the names people give their computers/labtops. (by the way, I've named you to do a meme...looking forward to read what you've got to say!)

Anonymous said...

I swear, I was behind a very sexy female once with a plate that said "handjob". Great advertisement. The problem was the traffic jam.

Anonymous said...

I always wanted ones thet read:


Anonymous said...

this damn thing did not tell me if my comment came through. I hope so.

Tawnya Shields said...

I thought I was all alone with my thoughts on vanity plates. They need to be charged and extra fee for stupidity. The best one you had was smaldik. My first thoughts at the freakin Hummer almost rolling me over as it passes.

I love your site. You are one of the best.

Anonymous said...

Too funny! I love reading your posts. I love the way you right. Never mind the subject matter, your writing keeps my attention. (which is not always an easy task)
I had a friend who got herself a plate that read "ALIV14U"
She insisted it read "a live one for you" but thats not what I saw. Either way, I didn't get it. I mean she is my friend and all, but it was just stoopid.
I also like those unintended vanity plates. Like that one guy who thought it was cool to try and pick me up at a red light. I sped ahead of him when the light turned green and then he sped to catch up, so I fell back. When I did I noticed his plate read "### DNK" seemed appropriate. Indeed a "dink".
My first car had a plate that read "### CAH" which I thought novel. Made me think of the way new englanders say "car".
Anyhow, very much enjoyed this one.
Oh, and speaking of poo (literally) I made a new post myself today.
much respect~ d

Forrest Proper said...

I wonder if you could get 4KBUSH?

Probably not.

Enchantress said...

lol Very funny! Very funny indeed. Everything you've said I've pondered about when I'm sitting in traffic watching my cuticles grow.

For the record though, I'm a card carrying member of the vanity plate owner association myself. =) My license plate says GIGGLY1

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Imho, anyone who pays more to the dmv for a vanity plate is a SUCKR. I perfer to write my profanitites for free in the dust on my back windshield. I get to use more letters.

I feel so dirty.

linda said...

There was one car in Melbourne that had 6ULDV8 number plates but there were complaints to VIC Roads (traffice management etc) and he had to hand them back.

whatagem said...

I just can't WAIT till vanity plates have texting language on them!!! I thought my head hurt as it were at red lights squiting to read bumper stickers...


suchsimplepleasures said...

Vanity plates drive me crazy, too. especially when they say things like mybmw and i've seen nturs(i took it at not yours but...maybe natures? dunno...dont' care)...but, what was i saying? oh yeah...hate vanity plates they're so....well, vain. i like the one on my car...it's from the sec. of state and i can never remember what the numbers are. hmmm...maybe that's why people get vanity plates. maybe i should reconsider.

Baba Doodlius said...

I heard that Dr. Ruth once had a plate that read "Gud 6" or something like that. Appropriate plates are just fine, don't you think?

Pope Benedict XVI said...

De Popemobile's says:


Crystal said...

I found your blog through a post of "Why I blog" and the name caught my attention. Anyways, this post was so funny... I almost read it twice. Thanks for the laugh.

prin said...

I always wanted one that said, "Yes, my car is a beater but it still has way more fun than your car does", but it was too long and probably would have ended up being one of those obscure acronym plates.

There's just no pleasing you. I mean, with licence plates.

SavvyD said...

OMG! You really ARE a freaky weirdo! Thanks for summing up how I feel about vanity plates. As far as I'm concerned they aren't worth the $. By contrast, rubies and diamonds are definitely worth it. It's just a matter of priorities.

Anonymous said...

okay also wanted to tell ya, thanks to you I looked into this technorati, i wanted so bad to have a way to keep track of the blogs i like to read. so good job! i am being forced to learn how all this hoop-lah works.
i added you to my favs though. : )
much luv~d

oh and FYI you havent updated in 2 days! get busy!

fu said...

growing up on long island meant every asshole had a vanity plate. all the Italians in the neighborhood I grew up in had "Tony's toy" "Vinnies Vet"
"MYIROC" The vanity plate is the perfect way to instantly spot a douche.

Anonymous said...

"I love the way you right"
fer f*uck's sake!

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