Raisins are People | Mental Poo

Monday, October 08, 2007

Raisins are People

Raisins are people.

This is what I told one of the boys I was responsible for chaperoning during a field trip the other day.

This is also probably why I’ll never be invited back to chaperone for his class again.

..because raisins are people.

My son, who is four years old, had his first field trip the other day. I volunteered to be a chaperone for the trip. I did this for a few reasons:

1) It was my son’s first bus trip, and I wanted to be there for it
2) I hate working.
3) I’m usually the only guy who chaperones. This leaves me as typically the only guy amongst a group of moms…who look at you as sensitive and caring. It’s MILF-lover’s territory (and in some cases, GMILF territory...(grand-MILF's for the older generation).

So I was in charge of my son, and another boy named Dominic. Chaperoning in and of itself is not that tough – you need to make sure that your kids stay in your sight, listen when people talk, and – in general – that they don’t get killed or mauled by anything. Other than those responsibilities, it’s basically a vacation day (surrounded by moms – but I think I mentioned that already).

Kids being chaperoned usually aren’t very talkative with adults. This is where you have to get inventive so they don’t feel overwhelmed by authority. My strategy is simple: make stuff up and entertain them. This is basically to torture their parents when they get home and retell their day. I only wish I was there when they started mentioning the things I’ve said.

Anyway, here’s how it went, and what I said to keep myself entertained at the expense of four-year-olds.

Item #1 – Get their parents to build fake shit

My son, for some reason, mentioned an “invisible bathtub” in his room during conversation. I have no idea why this came up, or where he was going with this. Dominic looked confused. I looked confused. Deciding to run with it, I told Dominic that my son did, indeed, have his own invisible bathtub in his room (for the record, he does not), and because it’s invisible, it’s really easy for a dad to build. I told Dominic to go home, and tell his dad that he wanted an invisible tub installed. I also told him that if his dad didn’t do it, that it was okay to move his bedroom stuff into the bathroom and use that one instead.

Item #2 – Freak them out

As we were riding in the bus, we drove by a swamp. I told the kids to look for alligators as we drove by – which they did (please note that we live in New Hampshire). My son insisted that there were no alligators in that swamp, because it was too cold and alligators only live in Florida (although only partly correct, it’s one of the main reasons I don’t want to live in Florida). I disagreed, saying that many an alligator has been seen up north, and – in fact – the bus seats were made from the skins of alligators caught here. If you’ve been on a bus, you know the seats are green vinyl-leather…and look like alligator skin…so it was an easy sell.

Kids are so stupid.

Item #3 – Really freak them out

We somehow moved back onto the bathtub discussion again, where I asked Dominic what he would actually DO if he did have a tub in his room. He responded by saying, “I’d take a bath ALL the time.”

I said, “Well, if you took a bath all the time, you’d shrivel up. Haven’t you ever looked at your fingers when you stay in the tub too long?”

He looked at me and shook his head ‘yes.’

Then I said, “You’ll turn into a raisin.”

..now…I’m not sure how or why this next thing popped into my head…but it did. And I said it.

“In fact, raisins are actually people who’ve stayed in the tub waaay too long. They get all wrinkly, shrink and die. Then workers come and pack all these shriveled people into little raisin boxes and sell them to stores. They’re very healthy for you. People protein is some of the best protein. Did you know that?”

He and my son both tried calling me out on that one: “No they’re not!”

“Yes, they are,” I said. “In fact, the next time you eat a raisin, be very quiet and eat it in a quiet room. If you listen very closely, you can hear a tiny little “ow!” when you bite it.” (for added effect, I said ‘ow’ in this little, squeaky munchkin voice)

They’re sitting there horrified...faces pale.

I’d be surprised if either one ever eats a raisin again – but if they do, I bet they do it in silence...listening for the little "ow!"

I’m waiting for the hate letter from Dominic’s parents…and the love notes from the other moms.


Elise said...

LOL! Parents say the strangest things sometimes. I once went to see a musical about the stories parents tell kids i.e. "Don't play suck your thumb or the monster will come and cut your thumb off" But your definately tops every story! x

DVeau said...

You're evil.

I used to work with a guy who didn't have kids, and had his desk next to mine. It was a pretty open atmosphere that allowed my kids to stop by to see me fairly often.

Being a caring mom, I was careful about limiting the amount of crap that my kids ate, such as fast food and candy.

Every time my (then 5 year old) son would come into the office, Mister Funny Coworker would say to my son "If your mom REALLY loved you, she'd take you to MacDonalds!"

-Of course, I'd spend the entire car ride home after work explaining and arguing with my son that no, he was NOT eating MacDonalds, and, Yes, I loved him anyway.
Oh, and I should mention....our house was situated across the STREET from a friggin MacDonalds!

But, thank you for helping me to understand why my husband volunteered for 6 field trips last year. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Let me know when the Idaho Potato police arrive to interrogate you.

FreeOscar said...

Brilliant! That’s fucking fantastic.

I want some proof of these MILFs. When I was growing up, MILFs did not exist just hot step-moms. They tended to be closer to our age so it lost its appeal in the MILF way.

Moooooog35 said...

C.Rag - thanks for the Idaho Potato idea.. You can do a lot when being able to refer to all the "eyes". Great fodder.

MILF's don't have to be super-hot. Average (or even just below) is more than adequate. Field trips are not a place for finicky dads.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

raisens are kind of vile. seriously, they remind me of an old black mans wrinkly ballsack that i saw one time at the grocery store (he was pressing them against the glass).

Moooooog35 said...


Remind me not to shop where you do.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, you raise you kids like I do mine.

Forrest Proper said...

This is the funniest post I've seen in a while. It also gives me a few ideas for topics of conversation next time I see the neighborhood kids at a BAR-BQ or something.

Baba Doodlius said...

"Kids are so stupid" - fantastic quote from a father of two.

I'm onna go polish my alligator skin now.

Bruce said...

Oh man, I love it! Too, too funny. I can hear this tiny little voice like in the the original The Fly. HELP MEEEEE!
I chaparoned a field trip for my daughter once. I told them I'd be willing to drive because they didn't have room on the bus for everyone. They made all the dads ride with me. I guess this is why.

Phoebe Fay said...

That's brilliant. Your kid is going to be the smartest one in his class. He'll get lousy grades because teachers are unreasonably picky about that reality thing, but still, he'll be the smartest one in his class.

Sara Sue said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If there is fall-out from this kid's parents, promise to post it, OK?

AngryMan said...

Not only are raisins people, but people are people. And if people are people then why must it be that you and I should get along so awfully?
Anyone get the reference?

here today, gone tomorrow said...

You mean...I don't really have an invisible bathtub in my bedroom???? That's just cold, man.

Karen said...

Dad? Is that you, Dad?

Eve said...

Love freaking little kids out. I will have to keep this story tucked away for my next field trip.

Angryman - Dun Dun Dun

Anonymous said...

Came from Colenol Colenol site. He said this was funny...and darn was her right :lol:

If they question you again, tell them the the California Raisons used to have a #1 hit on the Motown hits chart. They had to stop touring because they were so sweaty from performing they had to stay in the tub all day...and can you see what happened to them?

prin said...

Omg, you're terrible! If I liked kids, even a smidgen, I might be offended.

Bwahahahahaaa! :D

Anonymous said...

Clearly, there is something wrong with you ... and I appreciate it totally.

Moooooog35 said...

The consensus is in: Mentally torturing children = fun.

Glad I can contribute.

DubLiMan said...

You seem to follow one of my most important aspects of life "Make the right choice, choose to be happy" except some of your choices include torturing others, but to each their own.

To repeat what some of your other commentators stated:
You are evil
You are a genius
You are terrible
There is something wrong with you
And tying it all together, you are awfully damned FUNNY!!

Another great story.

Kat Mortensen said...

Oh my God! You are too funny! When I read the part about the raisins being people who spent too much time in the bath, I nearly lost it!
It must be a riot at your place come Hallowe'en. You should buy a bag of little packs of SunMaid and put "Help Us" stickers on them before you shell out.


Kat Mortensen said...

Hope you're a baker, midget-man. Here's a gift for your kids from me:
A special cake for Hallowe'en!



Anonymous said...

cjGs4d Please write anything else!

Anonymous said...

Really funny !
but i enjoyed it very much .Thanks for sharing.

Patyrish said...

You are one of the coolest Dad's EVER!

Gauche said...

oh you evil bastard.

that's a good one. I'm borrowing that one for then ext time my little cousins are over. ha!

MommaKiss said...

Good stuff, right here. Please, remind me to never EVER let you near my children. Other kids, tho, make sure you invite me along for the entertainment value.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Boy - if we hadn't already stopped eating raisins around here, this post would definitely have done it.

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