Sorry to Bug You | Mental Poo

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Sorry to Bug You


It hurt so bad I wanted to pop my head off.

..that's the teaser...so let me back up a bit...

This past weekend, I finally got around to packing the motorcycle away for the winter.

My four year old son helped me, which – if you have a small son – consisted of this exchange:

Me: “Hey son, are you going to help daddy clean out the yard?”

My son: “Yep.”

The next two hours consist of me doing the work, while he’s running around the yard wearing my motorcycle helmet saying things like, “Luke…I’m your father.”

Thanks for the help, kid.

Anyway, so prior to putting the bike away, I toyed with the idea of actually just selling it. Get rid of it. Be done with it.

I contemplated this for a number of reasons:

1) Putting the motorcycle away is a pain in the ass...and I don’t like working.
2) It’s more of a commuting vehicle now, instead of a weekend fun vehicle.
3) I MIGHT DIE ON IT

It’s the last one that gets me going every so often.

If you’ve read my other driving post, you know that I once skidded across an intersection on a piece of fruit, whereas the prophecy of a beach medium flashed before my eyes (she told me I would die on a motorcycle…how noble of her. BITCH).

But it wasn’t the first time something went wrong on my bike.

On Mother’s Day, circa 1998, my wife and I decided to take the bike out for a spin.

It was fairly nice out, and I – wearing a full-face helmet – decided to drive with my visor in the “up” position so I could talk to her. I usually don’t do this, as I wear glasses and I look WAY cooler with the full Darth Vader thing going on.

Anyway…we were on a back road when I saw it coming…a little black dot in the distance…flying…

..then it hit me in the face..

*smack*

Whatever hit me in the face then proceeded to crawl along the side of my face, into my helmet…where it then decided that my ear looked like a nice little place to investigate.

Mind you, I’m still driving. I’m driving as I feel something WALK INTO MY HEAD.

“Hey…an eardrum! Let’s check it out!”

It started hurting.

It started hurting like when you go just a little too far with a Q-Tip…except this thing is JAMMING the Q-tip into my skull.

I slam on the brakes.

I’m SCREAMING.

I rip the helmet off and am jumping up and down with my head tilted like I’ve got seven gallons of water in my ear.

I reach in to grab it.

Nothing.

It’s not there…I can’t grab it…it’s in my head so far that my wife can’t even see it.

I look up and notice that I’m on the front lawn of a very large, nice house.

The owner of this very large, nice house is now standing in their doorway trying to figure out why there’s a guy doing the Macarena on his front lawn while screaming like a little girl.

I bolt for him and – with the thing in my head now playing a game of Twister – muster up an, “Can I borrow a pair of tweezers, please? I have something in my ear.”

This nice guy ushers me into the house and up his stairs…

…where his entire extended family is just sitting down to a Mother’s Day meal.

*cricket

They’re all at the table…they’re all looking at me…there’s food…it looks good.

“What’s wrong?” says the guy’s wife.

“He has a bug in his ear. We need a pair of tweezers.”

Everyone’s face at the table goes pale.

Normally, I would feel bad…except for the fact that I’m in so much pain, I’m considering passing out.

Then…it happens…

I grab it.

I grab…a…a wing (?)…and pull…

*SPLURP*

…out it comes.

A hornet.

A large, brown, hornet.

Except, it no longer looks like a hornet.

It looks like a hornet that went out on a Friday night, got shitfaced, crawled into a vat of goo and passed out.

Clearly, my ear – and all the wax contained therein – fought a mighty battle against the intruder.

Everyone at the table is horrified as I hold this thing up like a fishing trophy. I see Grandma throw up a little in her mouth (either that, or she readjusted her teeth).

The nice guy emerges, a bit too late, with the tweezers. “Got it,” I said, and I show him my catch.

His face goes pale.

There’s silence in the house.

I muster up the following gem of dialogue:

“Sorry to BUG you.”

ba dum crash

No one laughs.

* blink

Gathering up the carcass, I simply say, “Thank you…Happy Mother’s Day” and leave…

...never to put my visor up again.

I wonder how their dinner went.

26 comments:

Chickie said...

Oh gosh, I just laughed til I cried.

Pat Z said...

Alright, you warned me ... and I, of so little faith, did not heed you. You bring new meaning to the notion that weirdness is something on TV. You are proof that you cannot beat true life stories. And, now I need to wipe off my computer screen as it has coffee all over it.

Girl in the 206 said...

ummm... I just got the heebie jeebies...*shudder*

Anonymous said...

Mmm and I thought my experience was bad... I was riding my first motorcycle on a nice spring day with my helmet visor closed and felt a thwack against my helmet. I knew what I had hit must have been substantial as it popped my head back a little when I hit it. Mind you I have long hair that I normally keep in a braid when I ride (nope not this time...). I was on a short trip to the grocery store and when I arrived I stil had that twitchy feeling like something was on me. I felt around, took my helmet off, opened my jacket, and put my key in my pocket. As I was leisurely shopping in the produce department I kept feeling something in my hair. I reached up and ran my fingers through the back of my hair when I felt something. I felt it moving. I quickly pulled it out only to discover it was the top half of a huge yellow jacket. Mind you for a guy this would be no big deal but I'm a friggin bug a phobe and went into a kniption fit right there in the produce deparment. My helmet when one way.. Jacket the other... basket of produce... I wanted to know where the other half of that damn thing was. I was hopping in place beating my hair flailing my arms (you get the picture) Needless to say it was quite the show for other shoppers in the produce department.

moooooog35 said...

And I thought I was the only one who had crap like this happen to them.

Robert Ninja said...

A hornet? God damn... unlucky, man. At least you TRIED to cool the mood with a joke. I thought it was funny... if I was there, I would have laughed.

If it was me driving, the hornet would have made me crash to my death.

C.Rag said...

The way to die is by an avalanche of naked chicks.

sxdiva said...

Here would be your eulogy, for instance if you were highly allergic to buzzing insects:

Mooooooog (damn those O's) - Midget Man of Steel - He fought bravely for his beliefs. He was a great father who recognized raisins as people, reared honest children who would never steal pencils, embraced those who educated his children, was a peaceful co-worker and had the smoothest hunkage in the State.

I'm glad it all turned out alright.

matt said...

They could've offered you some food. That would've been nice.

HEALTHWISE said...

All very interesting. Sometimes I wonder what makes minds tick. You my friend have a very interesting mind.

Baba Doodlius said...

I thought that the first thing the taught you in Motorcycle Safety School was "Always carry tweezers".

Jolean said...

now that's freaking hilarious! the wierdest bug thing that ever happened to me was i swallowed a fly while riding on a quad.. yeah...

and as far as the halloween outfits go, as long as you don't wear the matching shoes too....

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hmm... that's kinda gross.

a coworker of mine kept having awful headaches and ear pain, so she went to the ear doc and they poked around in there, and guess what they found? a peice of a Q tip that had gotten detatched from the stick part. it was all infected and brown and made the whole room smell awful.

just thought i would share!

Prin said...

Omg! That's f*cked! *faints*

lol at all the places you put enthusiasm. :D Great comedic timing. :D

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

The only comment I could think of was... I'm glad I never open the door to strangers.

Malach the Merciless said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I just got a plug of ear wax pulled out the size of a cashew!

Monday Morning Power said...

That is the the funniest story I have heard in a long time. I don't want to know if it's real or not. You sure can tell them. Mine is not as funny, but my signs came loud and clear as to selling my bike. A few years ago, quite a few actually, I had a 350 CC on and off road bike. Of course I was way too cool to even wear a helmet, both off and on road. One day I got this real funny feeling before going on an off-road bike adventure and decided to wear my helmet. This was actually the first time in 2 years that I wore it. I was flying up a hill and did not see a hole in the ground. I think you can figure out the rest. I flew up in the air about 10-20 feet and then landed on my head on a rock. I was lucky, just a few scrapes and a stiff neck. The next day I sold my bike.

BTW, I really hope this meme we are working on brings you a lot of readers. You are very talented.

Notary Public said...

That is disgusting!!! Wow it must have hurt. I don't think I have much interest in riding around on a motorcycle if that's the possibility, besides loosing a lot of skin on the road somewhere. My ear hurts just thinking about it.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

JesuGod, revenge, HAHAHAHA!

Valley Girl said...

Did he really say "Luke; I am your father!"? That's too cute. Sorry.

Sirdar said...

That was funny!! Great story.

I've never owned a bike but I keep saying that one day I will own one. I've ridden a motocross bike but just about killed myself. Hit a rut in the field and the wheel turned sideways and I went face first into the ground. Fortunately, I had a full face shield. It didn't do so well...but my face lived to see another day.

moooooog35 said...

You've never lived until a hornet has perused your skull. It makes you appreciate pain:

"Wow...the loss of my arm would be devastating, if I hadn't already gone through the agony of an insect in my ear."

Awesome stories. I have one from a dirt bike experience which involved my bike, a friend, a ditch, a big tree and a stick in my groin.

...good times...good times...

Another story, another time.

zoloftmom said...

that is seriously one of the best stories i have read on a blog in a very long time. hilarious. and disgusting. loved it.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Oh my god this has to be one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. You're killin' me. Gross, but seriously funny.

Madseason said...

from one biker to another...

Duuuuude! That is the GROSS-EST (check it - it's a WORD!) stories I've heard and laughed about in a long time!! Gotta hand it to you - when you pulled it outta your ear, at least you didn't bolt away screaming like a girl...

Did you?

Gauche said...

it's possible I just laughed so hard my arse fell off. oh man, that's a good one.....

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