My right arm is going to be HUGE.
As the date for my v-cut draws near (2 weeks), I started going over some of the stuff I need to get in line before and after I go in.
My first order of business is to buy a cup.
I haven’t bought a cup since little league. In fact, since I’m approximately the same size I was in little league, I could probably just try to dig that old one out. My other option is to purchase the “Sumo Wrestler Cabbage Patch Kid” and use the little thing he’s wearing. It would probably fit.
Then I started thinking about the “requirement” that the doctor put on me AFTER the surgery.
As previously mentioned, she said that after the surgery I would need to ejaculate 25 times, and bring in the 26th sample.
My arm hurts just thinking about it. I may need to schedule another cortisone shot with my orthopedist.
Now, she told me that it can take a guy anywhere from two weeks to eight weeks to bring in that 26th sample. However, being married for 11 years, with two children, I can get myself done in approximately 29 seconds…25 seconds if I’m in the shower with a new bar of Dial.
As such, I’m considering this a challenge – I mean, c’mon…8 WEEKS? Rent me a half-decent porn and I’m halfway to 25 samples within an hour.
In fact, I’m considering calling Fox and introducing this as a new game show idea:
Show’s working title: Beat the C*ck
Contestant Number one: “I can fill that cup in 30 seconds”
Contestant Number two: “I can fill that cup in 25 seconds”
Contestant Number one (after much deliberation and realizing that the only mental imagery he has to go on is lame Cinemax porn): “Contestant number two, fill that cup!”
At which point, Contestant number two, with only the power of his mind and a keen sense of self, retreats to the on-stage shower and…against all odds…tries to “Beat the C*ck!”
..this is how my mind works. I have no control over it.
Another thing I have to worry about is how to keep my hobby interesting. I mean, at some point, same-ol’ same-ol’ just isn’t going to do. I’m going to need to be inventive…like…oh, drawing faces on my hand (like Senor Wences) for a little interaction.
I could also draw faces on each hand…where my left hand is the slutty one, and my right hand is the prude (as they say, “Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty”). To make it even more interesting, I could just sit there and let my hands go at each other for a while first...
...I like to watch.
Now, I’ve been trying to figure out once I get this penis-party started how I’m going to keep track of all of this. I mean, it’s obvious to me that my kids will start to question the tally-marks I’m making on the calendar in the kitchen, and there’s no way I’ll be able to explain them away.
“Well kids, daddy has to keep track of how many times he thinks of hard-core sex including, but not limited to, lesbian encounters, threesomes and gangbangs…resulting in an episode of self-pleasuring that I’m praying you never, ever, ever do – you need to promise me this...promise me this RIGHT NOW so I may maintain my sanity.”
So I’m thinking that instead, I’m going to use one of those Christmas calendars, where you open the doors for every day to Christmas starting at December 1. If I use this method, not only will I be able to keep track of my progress towards number 26, but after every successful pop, I’d get to eat a piece of chocolate.
…After I wash my hands, of course.
Thursday, October 11, 2007