I Can't Believe it's not Callouses! | Mental Poo

Friday, November 09, 2007

I Can't Believe it's not Callouses!


Barry.

F*cking Barry.

I mentioned him a little bit in my Instant Messaging blog.

Today, we’re going to get to know the sick bastard a little better.

We all know someone that has the following personality traits:

1) Cannot make eye contact when you talk to them
2) Dress like they bought their entire wardrobe at a flea market
3) Socially retarded

Barry would come to work looking like he was in a shipwreck, circa 1989, and was washed ashore an uncharted island with only the book, “How to Annoy People and Act like a Know-it-all F*ckSh*t” to keep him company.

He would come to work in his open-toe sandals, wearing black socks, beige shorts, and a Jurassic Park t-shirt (look out, ladies!)


He could not talk without stuttering…and when he disagreed with you (which he did a lot, because he was ALWAYS right), his stuttering would raise to a high-pitched whine and he would start drooling spittle.

He could not talk without looking at every part of the room EXCEPT who he was talking to.

He told us he was in a spinning class. Some of the guys that worked with him previously told us that, yes, he wears spandex to the gym.


He was way overweight. I’m not sure the spinning was working…unless he was actually spinning a salad…

…and instead of salad in the spinner, it was pork.

On most days, you could actually tell what was for lunch, simply by looking at his shirt. It never, EVER, failed that he got some type of food on himself. Even if he only had water.

True story: He once walked down to our company cafeteria, with soup all over himself. He told the cafeteria manager that he needed to use sturdier soup cups.

Cafeteria Manager (looking at Barry's mess): "Oh, man. I'm sorry. Did the cup break why you were holding it?"
Barry: "No, why?"
Cafe Mgr: "Well...um...you're all covered with soup."
Barry: "Oh - that's not from the cup. That's from when it spilled over as I was drinking it from the tray."

FROM THE TRAY.

So, the guy needed sturdier soup cups, to stop the soup from spilling on the tray, where Barry would then drink it.

(It's okay, at this point, to have your mouth gaping open).


I couldn’t stand talking to him. It was so bad, that I actually felt guilty making fun of him…sometimes.

I still did it…but I felt a little bad.

Okay..not really. I made that up.

I can only surmise that Barry was raised by woodland gnomes with little idea of what people in the world were actually expected of in public.


Case in point:

We had a meeting with one of our Vice Presidents of the company. We had a HUGE conference room, and a table that sat approximately 25 people. I got to the meeting late, which was already in progress.

Barry was seated right next to the VP, who was going on and on as VP’s tend to do…

Across the table from the VP, were two of my friends, John and Janet. Because I was late, I sat against the wall beside John and Janet.


About halfway through the meeting…I saw them…

John and Janet…whispering…

Janet’s face was red…she was stifling hysteria.

John was almost crying laughing…trying to keep quiet while the VP continued his talking…

I’m thinking, “What the Hell is so funny…?”

Then I see it.

It’s Barry.

Across the table from John and Janet, and right next to the VP, Barry is doing…something

…he’s…

…he’s chewing on the palm of his hand.

?!?

Yes.

He’s chewing on the palm of his hand.

What is he chewing on…???

Janet sees me looking at her. I have a “..what the..?” look on my face…she shrugs her shoulders…whatever Barry is doing, she has no idea either.

But there he is in all his giant, disgusting glory...

…Barry is chewing incessantly and wildly on the palm of his hand…like it’s his lot in life to get whatever is on there OFF RIGHT NOW.


His palm is smashed flush to his face, and he’s chomping away on it.

…then he pulls his hand away…

..he reaches down into his palm and plucks something out of it…

..then pops it into his mouth.

*blink*

WHAT THE F*CK?!?

WHAT did he just do?!?


The three of us continue to watch…together yet separated…in silent horror…as Barry continues doing this.

Chew on palm…pick something out…pop it in….chew on palm…pick something….

I have no idea what the meeting was about...what was said...or if it was actually important. For all I know, they could have told all the guys they were getting circumcised as new corporate policy and I would have had no idea. I was fascinated by the freak show happening across the room.

Twenty minutes later…the meeting is over. We’re all exiting the room together…VP in tow…when I look at Barry and say:

“Barry…seriously. What the Hell were you eating in there?”

He looks at us, nonchalantly and says...

(I swear this is true):

“My callouses.”

…I feel dizzy.

Did he just say….he was eating his callouses?

Four of us…altogether:

“WHAT?!?”

..he steps into the elevator alone (we're dumfounded..and decide to take the stairs)…

..as the elevator doors are closing, I say:

Barry...WHY would you eat your goddamn callouses?”

He turns around as he steps into the elevator, looks at me, and calmly says:

“Well...It’s just like your fingernails.”

…and the doors close.

They’re just like your fingernails.

*blink*

Wait…did he just say, It’s just like your fingernails?”

Trying to fathom this, we go up the stairs in time for the elevator doors to slide open. Barry walks out….

Me:Barry…just so I’m clear…did you just say that you also eat your fingernails?”

Barry (unphased):What else are you supposed to do with them?”

Four of us…altogether:

“THROW THEM AWAY!”

Every time I think of this, I throw up a little in my mouth.

And to this day, I can’t believe I had that conversation…with a grown man.

Sorry.

..with a grown gnome.

36 comments:

C.Rag said...

I don't think I've ever heard of a more fucked up guy. Do you think he had callouses from all the jerking off he did?

Pol said...

Even with the title i didnt guess till the end ha ha
Certainly cheered up a Friday afternoon at work!
Great blog, am becoming a more than regular visiter
Pol x

Kitty said...

I must confess, when you said he did spinning, I had a picture of him sat at a spinning wheel, turning sheep's wool into yarn. *Blush* ... am I as inadequate as Barry? :-O

Prin said...

"Manges ta main, garde l'autre pour demain"... (It's a French expression... When you're poor, you can eat one hand and then you'll still have another hand to eat the next day..lol)

What did you make up? That you make fun of him or that you felt bad about it? :D

LOL @ the last supper pic with Barry in it. :D

Malach the Merciless said...

MMMMM Callous and Fingernail Casserole

Cash said...

I would like to lick his shirt for crumbs.

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Madseason said...

Ewwwwww... (I think I just threw up a little...)

...and yes, my mouth was/is gaping open.

So... ummmm... I'm not clear - do you or do you NOT like Barry?!?!?

ROFLMAO!!

clairec23 said...

omg...omfg...why did you ask him?! why did you keep asking him questions?! Why didn't you run away, change jobs, move house? He isn't fucking human and I'm going to live in fear for the rest of my life that some american dude named barry is going to move in next door...there is an american dude that just moved in next door, you better hope his name isn't barry...

Adam said...

Biting finger nails so hungry he eats his own palm guards, drinks soup off his tray and saves his lunch on his shirt, sounds like barry is one hungry dude who never knows where his next meal is coming from, shit the dude even retains his fat just in case. i think you and the guys need to buy him a hamburger before he dicovers that he has toe nails to boot!

[Un]Censored said...

Hmmm...reminds me of "The Breakfast Club"

"If you don't stop eating your hand, you won't be hungry for lunch."

*gag*

That is no nasty...next thing you know, he's going to be chewing corns off of his toes in the middle of the lunch area.

People like that are why my blog is named "People are AWESOME!"

Tequila Mockingbird said...

OMFG! is that like how cows chew their cuds?

it's almost like the fat girl i work with eating her hair all the time. i dont think she's just chewing on it, so much as eating it. and she always smells like cheese, like she bathes in it. but then she would probably just drink the bathwater.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Oh shit! I am laughing so hard at your words and the fucking captions on your pictures! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

moooooog35 said...

Every bit of this is true. I swear.

I would love for either John or Janet to back me up on this.

I just re-read my own post...and I'm still disgusted by it. I shouldn't have shared this. Really. My bad.

John said...

Yes, it's true. I was there (John) and am still disgusted by it. The guy eats his skin and finger nails, what else can I say.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

De Pope will have to put this miserable man out of his misery, bring him by the Holy See.

rs27 said...

Drinking soup out of the tray. That might have been the funniest thing I've ever read.

HAHAHAHAHA.

I'm hyperventilating here.

Titania Starlight said...

Oh man you are killing me over here! The story. The pics! I am so dying.

I bet Barry eats his boogers too! Ewwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

Em Jay said...

wow. . .

Kitty DeMure said...

My husband is constantly complaining about the disgusting people at his work who pick their ears and examine whatever they've managed to pull out of them right in front of other people, as if such behavior is completely normal. Maybe they're from the same Gnome family as Barry.

People are gross.

Jezla said...

Sounds like that dude from the movie Office Space.

Oh, and I'm tagging you. I had to pick someone!

Chickie said...

This is the grossest thing that I've ever pictured. It's making my stomach roll.

Cindy Breninger said...

Oh...Gawd....that makes me want to puke. Ewwww. Now I need to wash out my brain to get the visual out of there. Ugg. But, funny as hell! :)
Cindy
www.adayinthelifeofcindy.blogspot.com

Linda and her Surroundings said...

Vomit.
Vomit.
Vomit.

There is nothing to add to that extremely well written post.

Deadpoolite said...

I guess he is running on a budget or something(referring to the calluses thing):)

So basically, if something can be theoretically chewed up he is the man for the job. He is definitely a youtube star in the making, he just doesn't know it yet:)

After such an earth shattering post I had to add your blog to my links, I am sorry there is no escape for you now...

Later!

AngryMan said...

Let go your hate!!!

Sara Sue said...

What does Barry do for the company, besides provide blog fodder? Seriously, what is his job title?

Monday Morning Power said...

You sure know how to brighten up a day. And, don't tell us that you shouldn't have shared this. You are loving every minute of this.

Skryker said...

I'm pretty sure that the gnomes would have given him better manners. He must have been raised by something worse.

While sitting beside the VIP? Unreal!

I'm so glad I work alone...

moooooog35 said...

I have no idea why anyone would think eating yourself was a good idea - unless you were a guy, super endowed, and were doing it for money.

I, thankfully, no longer work with Barry. Hopefully, I never will again. I believe he now works for a company that makes hot dogs.

Just kidding.

But it DOES explain hot dogs.

Cuz I'm the princess, thats why! said...

Well, you have successfully made my stomach do a big flip flop today. ... Or Barry has, I guess. The worst part is, I have seen someone do this, chew on their palm. And I kept getting mental images of them. It was overwhelming. And I was actually embarrassed for them. I could almost blush just picturing Barry. and *gag* really he was EATING the dead skin?? OMG thats just too much!

Colonel Colonel said...

I think Barry was in my class in 6th grade, except his name was Kevin then. I'd always wondered what happened to him.

Grilled Pizza said...

How do you look him in the face! EW!

sxdiva said...

This is true. There are a pretty, quiet girl in my gradeschool class. No one could concentrate on studies or lecture, because she sat in the middle of the room and incessantly picked her nose - and yes, and ingested her prices.

I never could believe she wasn't counselled by the nun.

Emmy said...

Stop by to grab your award. :)

BadLarry said...

moooooog Barry wouldn't happen to have sold shares in his creepy show of human-like quirks? I only ask because at my last job we had a guy with some "Barry-like" tendencies.

1.) The man came to work reeking of Febreeze for the better part of a year because and I quote, "The washing machines in my building don't work."

2.) Once during a teleconference with a new client he kept on cutting what he thought were silent farts, which the client kept asking if it was interference on our end or theirs.

3.) Once ate a three month old sandwich from the office fridge, with clear signs of mold and spoilage on it, without a complaint.

4.) Stopped up every bathroom on our floor by using the correct amount of toilet paper for a full grown African elephant. When confronted by what he'd done, he was rather adamant that was the proper amount to clean yourself, and had no idea what he'd done was both wrong and very expensive.

5.) Crashed the executive's annual private dinner for about a half hour before he was discovered and thrown out on his ass. (Okay, to be fair we all kinda dug him doing that one.)

And finally:

6.) Before he was fired or quit, there's still some mystery, it was discovered that he'd managed to impregnate at least three different women at the company. Seriously, the guy who did all that somehow talked three women into doing the squelchy with him...

Janna said...

Wow; it's been almost four years since you posted this, and yet the horror is still fresh.
It never goes bad.

Sort of like Twinkies.

Twinkies filled with callouses.

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