Blue Balls, Christmas and Toilet Paper - a Holiday Trifecta | Mental Poo

Friday, December 21, 2007

Blue Balls, Christmas and Toilet Paper - a Holiday Trifecta


Continuing yesterday's trend, I'm providing you with yet another story prior to my Christmas Break.

Yesterday, it was rodent scat.

Today, we'll be discussing face paint and toilet paper.

Toilet Paper and Chipmunk poo in TWO (count 'em...TWO) unrelated stories.

How cool is that?

Story #2:
Blue Man Group


This weekend, we’ll be taking the family to see “The Blue Man Group.”

If you’ve never seen Blue Man Group, or have any idea what I’m talking about…go to YouTube:



..or their site HERE. It’s really an experience.

...anyway...

...I'm not getting paid to do their Goddamn commercials...so let's get back to the story:

My problem, though, is that my daughter (who is 7) is scared to death of “the toilet paper incident”…and doesn’t want to go.

The toilet paper incident.

You see…my wife and I went to see Blue Man Group in Boston many years ago.

Me, being of limited stature and hating to pay good money for sh*tty seats, decided to get FRONT ROW tickets.


There was music. AWESOME music.

There were antics.

Some were crazy.

Some gross.

All were entertaining.

And then…

...there was the toilet paper.


(queue ominous music here)


For some reason, the finale of the show consists primarily of the use of toilet paper and audience participation.

Really.

The contents of rolls and rolls of toilet paper – strung at the back of the theater – begin to empty...

...toilet paper rolls, strung from the ceiling, begin to purge thier contents...

You may ask, at this point, two questions:

Question #1: Um...Why?

Answer: Good f*cking question. No idea.

Really...I'm not sure of the need for a toilet-paper finale.


Question #2: Where does all of this toilet paper go?

Answer: (here it comes)...

Well...the paper makes it's way forward...

...above and through the crowd...

...towards the stage...

...where I'm blissfully sitting in the front row...

...completely and utterly oblivious to the TP Hell I'm about to endure.

Behind me, the audience is pulling ALL OF THIS PAPER and heaving it forward to it's final destination of the stage...

Did I mention there's a lot of this paper?


LOTS of it.

LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF IT.

I was not expecting to be on janitorial duty that day…but – lo and behold – I turn to look behind me and here comes a Tsunami of toilet paper….heading straight for us…seated in the front row.

…there was no warning…

…it just struck…

Then it hits us…

...a four foot high pile of paper


AARGGGHHH!!!

..I’m grabbing it…holding it up…trying to hurl it onto the stage…

…my little arms struggling under the weight of it all…

And all I can see is white.

Like I’d been buried in an avalanche of Charmin.


It’s at this point that I realize that I can no longer see my wife…who was seated next to me…

She's gone.

Poof.

Gone.

I try to look to the heavens to scream, "WHY GOD?!? WHYYYYY?!?!?"...

But I can't lift my head...this f*cking paper is too heavy.

Seriously...did they NEED to use 2-ply for this?!

...I ponder a moment, and think:

"I hope my wife is happy...wherever she was carried to by the TP flood...and has a good life..."


…but...

...just then…

…amidst the music, and crowd noise…

I hear her…

...a tiny, far-off faint cry for help…

...emanating from somewhere under this massive pile of TP:

…I’m…getting…sick…

She's ALIVE!!!

Me: “I’m coming for you, honey! Hang in there!”

…but I couldn’t…

I couldn’t see her.

I couldn’t reach her.

Hindsight being 20/20, it would have been nice to have a GPS tracking bracelet on her.

…like the one I have to wear because of a Federal mandate (other story…mistaken identity…DAMN you CHRIS HANSEN).


Ten minutes later…the mountain of paper was up on stage.

I was tired.

My arms were sore.

My wife was nauseous.

The hour she spent getting her hair "just right" turned out to be a COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME...

Sonofabitch.

No more front row for us for Blue Man…

…but we made the mistake of telling this story to my kids before we got the tickets…

…so now my daughter is petrified of being buried alive in toilet paper.

We’ll see what happens on Sunday.

Maybe I’ll let my daughter wear the bracelet.

20 comments:

Elise said...

I think you can sleep well knowing that your daughter will probably never go to a foam party wearing a white T-shirt... Thats probably the best thing thats come out of this incident.

The worst thing is that if they do the toilet paper thing again and she delelops a phobia it can get messy!

Upset Waitress said...

There's nothing more fascinating then shit paper!

Skryker said...

"Seriously...did they NEED to use 2-ply for this?!"

This made me laugh out loud!

Not exactly an environment friendly finale.

I hope your daughter is OK. And I hope they no longer do the TP finish.

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Mike said...

You know, being a married man running a household, I'm surprised you didn't put a few rolls of that TP avalanche in your shirt.

Like an asshole with a lined purse at an all you can eat buffett, get your wife to bring her extra big purse.

ALL WOMEN have one of these. You know, the kind that could fit a Dodge Caravan.

My friend, you will never ever be wanting for asswipe again!

Mimzie said...

I could barely breath as I read this! I felt like I was drowing in a sea of TP too!!

Divalicious said...

You are a hoot! Thanks for giving me something to cackle about everyday!

Happy holidays to you and your family!

xoxo Diva

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You should have set off the sprinkler system with a lighter or something.Then you could have rolled the TP into little round balls and winged them at people.

Yeah that would have been cool! heh heh heh heh (said in my best Beavis & Butthead voice)

Sara Sue said...

Ummm ... toilet paper?? What a shitty way to end the show!

Hope you all have a blast!

HeyJoe said...

In keeping with my sunny disposition and looking on the bright side, if while experiencing Blue Man, you also experience a bout of explosive diarrhea, you're golden.

Malach the Merciless said...

All I can picture with this story is the Roloff Family from Little People Big World

Buzzardbilly said...

As funny as this is, nothing is funnier than that picture of someone writing "need toilet paper" in feces on the wall. LMMFAO.

Titania Starlight said...

Oh my God! Your poor people. Do you think you will have to go on the Maury Povich show to help with the fear of T.P.?

Anyway.... have fun. I wish I was seeing the Blue Man group minus the toliet paper of course. :o)~

Chuck said...

I didn't know they did that. How....uh....weird. I assume there's a reason, right? Yeah, I don't blame your kid. I'd be scared too!

Hungry Mother said...

The Blue Man group is fantastic. That's a concert I would love, but I don't know if geezers are welcomed.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

LMAO!! That is all...

Biscuit said...

I would LOVE to see them. I use several of their songs in my classes. My fave is The Current, which features Gavin Rossdale. Very dark and sexy.

Chickie said...

Tie a rope around daughter's waist so you can reel her in if the tp gets too deep.

Prin said...

No, just get one of those kiddie wrist leashes and tie her to you.

Just think of all those people in bathroom stalls right now without any TP. *sighs*

meleah rebeccah said...

I should really know better than to come over here while I am eating or drinking anything...

tooooo fucking funny.

Linda and her Surroundings said...

You paid to be buried in dunny paper? Okay, interesting.

Related Posts with Thumbnails