I don't usually write you letters.
You see, I'm damn near 40 and I stopped believing in you when I realized that our chimney led to our oil-burning furnace.
..with the locked door..
..that was a rough time in my childhood coming to grips with your incineration.
However, with Christmas drawing so near, I thought I'd take this time to ask for a couple of things.
1) I implore you to please, PLEASE, DO NOT send my children ANY gifts that are trapped inside their hard plastic containers (which are - apparently - made from tempered steel and turn into razor-sharp instruments of death if you try to cut them open) and bound with those f*cking Chinese-torture knot-type wire f*cking things.
I hate those f*cking things.
The average doll is bound to it's container with 50 of these wires.
You try to undo them..
"Oh...They're twisted clockwise."
"What the...? No..no...now they're twisted counter-clockwise."
What the f*ck NOW?!?!
"Are you f*cking KIDDING ME?!? Now they're twisted SEPARATELY in different directions?!?
DAMN YOU MATTEL!!!
A typical birthday or holiday that involves gifts usually ends up with me sitting in a puddle of my own blood...my hands torn apart like wet newspaper.
Leave a gift with that sh*t and I'll hunt you down and kill you.
My second request:
2) A Book Deal.
I'm tired of talking to people in my job as a technical support geek.
I want these people who call...to die.
Okay, okay...maybe not die.
Maybe...just suffer...a LOT...
...like Braveheart does at the end of the movie.
(on a side note, if you could send me some of that torturing stuff for these people, I'd also appreciate it).
I want to tell these jackasses to stuff a sock in their mouth and light themselves on fire instead of gleefully saying, "Hello..this is Rodney. How may I help you?"
(which basically translates to "Hello..this is Rodney. How would you like to ruin my day today? How about reaming me in the ass with a rusty iron pipe?")
Someone who wants to pay me to write can do this for me.
They can get me out.
Send this person to me.
But, I swear, Santa, if you put them in a package that has that f*cking wire shit in it, and I'll gut you.
..but I'll do Rudolph first, and make you watch.
Seriously - NO WIRES.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
See you after the fact.