Dear Santa...you may be gutted. | Mental Poo

Friday, December 21, 2007

Dear Santa...you may be gutted.


Dear Santa,

I don't usually write you letters.

You see, I'm damn near 40 and I stopped believing in you when I realized that our chimney led to our oil-burning furnace.

..with the locked door..

..that was a rough time in my childhood coming to grips with your incineration.


However, with Christmas drawing so near, I thought I'd take this time to ask for a couple of things.

Anyway...

Here goes:

1) I implore you to please, PLEASE, DO NOT send my children ANY gifts that are trapped inside their hard plastic containers (which are - apparently - made from tempered steel and turn into razor-sharp instruments of death if you try to cut them open) and bound with those f*cking Chinese-torture knot-type wire f*cking things.


I hate those f*cking things.

The average doll is bound to it's container with 50 of these wires.

You try to undo them..

"Oh...They're twisted clockwise."

*grunt*

"What the...? No..no...now they're twisted counter-clockwise."

What the f*ck NOW?!?!

*grunt*

TWIST

*ugh*

"Are you f*cking KIDDING ME?!? Now they're twisted SEPARATELY in different directions?!?

DAMN YOU MATTEL!!!


A typical birthday or holiday that involves gifts usually ends up with me sitting in a puddle of my own blood...my hands torn apart like wet newspaper.

Seriously, Santa:

Leave a gift with that sh*t and I'll hunt you down and kill you.



My second request:

2) A Book Deal.

Seriously.

I'm tired of talking to people in my job as a technical support geek.

I want these people who call...to die.


Okay, okay...maybe not die.

Maybe...just suffer...a LOT...

...like Braveheart does at the end of the movie.

(on a side note, if you could send me some of that torturing stuff for these people, I'd also appreciate it).



I want to tell these jackasses to stuff a sock in their mouth and light themselves on fire instead of gleefully saying, "Hello..this is Rodney. How may I help you?"

(which basically translates to "Hello..this is Rodney. How would you like to ruin my day today? How about reaming me in the ass with a rusty iron pipe?")

Someone who wants to pay me to write can do this for me.

They can get me out.

Send this person to me.


But, I swear, Santa, if you put them in a package that has that f*cking wire shit in it, and I'll gut you.

..but I'll do Rudolph first, and make you watch.

Seriously - NO WIRES.



Merry Christmas, everyone.

See you after the fact.

17 comments:

mauniejames said...

You are one nutty guy..threatining Santa on Christmas eve...you are very brave or very crazy..and you of course know what I'm thinking..I do agree about the wires on toys...and the cheaper they are the more crap to hold them on the package..who cares about this stuff. who wants to undo a barbi and run off..anyway hope you enjoyed blue man and the merriest of Christmases....

Preposterous Ponderings said...

The damn twisties are the very reason I break out the wire cutters!

I also hate the toys that are screwed into place.WTF?

How much do you want to bet that 1/2 the price we pay for toys is to cover the cost of the packaging? F-ers!

Merry Christmas!

Malach the Merciless said...

That is why I always carry a Gerber Multi Tool on me. Works on gifts and just in case I get lost in the wild somewhere.

HeyJoe said...

Merry Christmas Moooooog35. Thanks for all the laughs.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

My husband spent 3 hours once trying to free a Transformer from it's packaging. Crazy!

Slick said...

No Santa? Get the hell outta here!!

Merry Christmas, duuuuuude!

Mee mOe said...

LOL......Merry Christmas !!!

Jay Cam said...

no wonder santa stopped visiting my house..

you killed him!!

hope you have a good christmas even though you killed santa!

Tish said...

Merry Christmas!

Simply Curious said...

Scissors.

Oh and try explaining to children when there's no chimney at all. Hmph.

Merry Christmas!

Jolean said...

you sewriously have one twisted mind midget man! but i love it! indeed those wires are insane, one almost wants to unwrapp the gift fromits captive wires, before wrapping it up for the holiday, so they dont have to deal with it on the morning off, with screaming kids and bloody hands.. i hear you! merry christmas dude!

Meleah Rebeccah said...

Merry Christmas XXOO :)

heatherrr__eloise said...

That was hilarious.
I love the picture at the end.

I laughed so hard.


I hope you had a great christmas
and that santa didn't fck up.

Anton Chigurh said...

The wires in my kid's package for his toy were actually tied together like a shoelace. As if twisting them together wasn't secure enough.
Luckily, my kid is only 1, so he didn't realize when I just threw the toy away instead of fighting those damn wires.

Hungry Mother said...

I had some wires that were twisted by a left-handed Chinese girl, mixed in with some from a right-hander, mixed in with some from an anarchist. I assumed that if I nicked myself, I would die from a very lethal poison on the tips of the wires. I had a couple of questions:

1. Are kids supposed to undo the wires themselves? Sounds like a Dickensonian way to get rid of the excess population.

2. Do the little Chinese girls wrap these wires all day every day? Do they have a hari-kari knife nearby? I know, wrong culture.

Linda and her Surroundings said...

Just leave money Santa. Cold hard cash in an envelope will do me any day.

Nellioness said...

Haha, what a nice letter! LOL

Moooog, I like your "sharp tongue" :))

And thanks for the comment on "erogenous zones", that was witty and damn funny. Greeneyezz complimented your sense of humor too :)

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