Eat Sh*t, Alvin | Mental Poo

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Eat Sh*t, Alvin



In light of the fact that there will be a several day posting layoff due to the Christmas break (I’ll be back on Wednesday), I’ve come up with just a few random things to talk of today and tomorrow.

As a side note on that:

I apologize to my Jewish / Buddhist / Muslim / *insert non-Christmas-celebrating religion here* readers for the delay in my future posts.

It’s a Jesus thing...sorry.

I didn’t schedule it.


Anyway…

Today, you get Story #1.

...which is about #2.

I have faith in you, you'll figure it out.

Story #1:
My Hellish viewing of "Alvin and the Chipmunks"


My kids wanted to see this movie.

Actually I wanted to see this movie.

Because, viewing the commercial for it, nothing says “funny” to me more than a chipmunk eating another chipmunk’s sh*t.


So we went.

Things went south from there.

Directly in front of my son, sat “Giant headed former football player” guy.

This guy’s head was the size of a Volkswagen.

Actually…I could have sat comfortably on this guy as his hat.

Big melon. BIG melon.

As such, my son had a rough time seeing the movie at first…

…as not only did this guy have a gigantic melon…but the fat shit couldn’t get comfortable.


You know these assholes.

Sometimes they lean over to the right….

You prick.

…you counter by leaning to the left…

Then they COME back over to the left…

Ugh…

So you lean to the right…

Then they lean FORWARD.

FORWARD?!?

OH, COME ON!!!

…eventually, Jabba gets comfortable.

Phew.

However, notice that I said my son had a hard time seeing the movie “at first.”

This is because the daughter that was with this family in front of us got sick.

Yep.

Shortly after the movie started…the little girl got sick.


They stood up...

...the girl (for some odd reason) had to actually look at us and announce that "she was feeling sick..."

…and they left.

"Bye…sick girl. Let us know how you make out."

I didn't say that.

Because, seriously…I don’t need to know why you’re leaving.

Just leave.

..and take your father with elephantitus of the skull along with you.

Awesome.

Now, all I know is…

FREE ROW IN FRONT!

My son was happy. He could see.

So...we resumed watching the movie.

During which, I'm thinking two things:

1) Theodore is the cutest chipmunk. Richard Gere would be all up in that sh*t.

2) Jason Lee looks better with his porno moustache on “My Name is Earl.”


Then…

…halfway through the movie…

…I heard it.

*SPLAT*

I look around…

..huh?...wha…?

Again:

*SPLAAAAAAT*

I look to my right.

Two seats over, the kid next to me is throwing up all over the floor in front of him.

OH, COME THE F*CK ON!!!!! REALLY?!?!?


It’s not chunky puke…it’s liquid puke…which means it’s now migrating it’s way towards me…and over the drop of the stadium seating to the row in front.

Let’s check the score.

I’ve been in the theater for 40 minutes

...and we’ve already lost TWO children in the audience to sickness.

I look down at my popcorn.

Does BARRY work here part time?

Is he on concession snack duty?!?!?



Am I eating poop-corn?!

I’m waiting for my ass to explode in a bout of diarrhea formerly unknown to mankind. It was only a matter of time. I was sure of it.

But it didn’t happen.

And we decided not to move to the row in front…as the vomit had now cascaded, waterfall-style, to said row…


Ugh.

So..back to the movie…

This is when the baby screaming starts in from the front of the theater.

This is an enjoyable experience. Truly.

..so happy I paid money for this.

Vomit…

…babies…

…the anticipation of being rendered helpless by a bout of explosive diarrhea…

Lovely.

Luckily, the chipmunk scat scene saved the whole experience for me...as I knew it would.

Hooray for rodent poo.



"Was the movie good?"

Well, I'm not getting paid for movie reviews. But, I didn't think it was bad for a kid's movie.

My friend, Johnny V., though Instant Message'd me the other day, telling me that HE saw it.

His overall synopsis and review of "Alvin" was summed up like this:

"I considered lighting myself on fire in order to get out of the theater."

Interesting. Self-immolation.

I guess that's ONE way to get out of watching it.

Although, with my movie theater track record, he probably would have been in the same theater as I was when he did it.

28 comments:

mauniejames said...

okay, okay, that was funny but you are a sick, sick man...Even if you didn't get sick on the popcorn...I would be sick at the sound of puke...something is going on in your neck of the woods...

Mike said...

Funny enough, when I was a young kid in the 80's and watched Alvin and the Chipmunks, I got sick to the stomach. I think it was the shrill helium induced voices.

Chipmunk scat huh? I may just have to watch it. Poo = funny. You and I both know that.

Anonymous said...

all I could think of when reading, was the movie "Goonies" when Chunk is describing his puke prank in the movie theatre that went horribly wrong........"and then I made this sound "Hoowa, Hoowa and everybody started puking.....".
Dating myself but very funny.

Sunny said...

Man, I had a great time reading your blog.

Divalicious said...

Yes, yes, yes. These are the reasons that I have quit going to the theater to see anything but NC17 and porn.

xoxox Diva

Elise said...

I have never seen anyone throw up at a movie theatre... your just full of luck aren't you? ;)

GorillaSushi said...

Popcorn sickness or just 2 of the most honest movie reviews ever?

Jolean said...

I agree, never seen anyone throw up in theater eaiter, where do you find these people?? of course, i too tend to stay away from kids movies as much as possible, or go to the late night showing..

good times with the g-parents, drinking away, how funny! i don't think i ever drank alcohol with my grandparents... oh wait their 50th anniversary we all had a champagne toast, but still...you musta had fun with them!

Heather said...

Those are the types of details that movie critics leave out, and a great reminder of what it's truly like as an adult viewing a movie for kids. I'm impressed you stuck it out.

Skryker said...

I would have had to leave. No question about it. Disappointed kid or not, no way could I be within 2 seats of a puking child and not puke myself.

I just don't think the Chipmunks are worth it. :D

Upset Waitress said...

Let this be a lesson to all your readers. Pooping out kids aren't worth this kind of punishment.

Mimzie said...

I have one word for you. . .NetFlix.

moooooog35 said...

Mimzie, Netflix doesn't get the kids off your back when the movie is AT THE THEATER NOW.

However, on a related note:

I'm trying to take Netflix to the next level, but with just porn.

As a name, I'm thinking:

NetF*cks

I need a business partner. If anyone's interested, let me know and I'll get my address in which you'll send me money.

Thanks in advance.

meleah rebeccah said...

"Just leave...and take your father with elephantitus of the skull along with you."


HA HA HA H AH AHAHHAAA


The people in my office are now standing at my desk READING this post because I was laughing too hard out loud.

Slick said...

lol..geeezus bud, I'm hoping you have better luck watching a movie when you rent one!

rs27 said...

Ha! That was great. Net F*cks.

That's a money maker if I ever heard of one.

I hate the chipmunks. That probably stems from having to sing that song to an old person home when I was 10.

Worst. Day. Ever.

bRaT said...

wow... that was quite a horrible day... wonder what those kids ate... but anyway... your sense of humor is priceless... keep posting... love your writing.. :)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Nothing says have a good time at the movie theater as a waterfall of puke running under your feet.

I would have left and demanded my $$$ back. Who wants to be infected with some unknown disease from sitting in that damn place?

Best start making some microwave popcorn and waiting for the movies to come to DVD...or download the black market versions.

Chuck said...

I thought for a minute there that y'all might have been sitting behind me and my kids last Saturday at this movie. Seeing as I'm a fat ass with a big head. But when you mentioned the puking I was all like, relief....it wasn't me. Sounds like there must be some kind of major virus going around where ever it is you live. Better make like a Hong Kongian and get you one of disease masks.

And no. The dentures weren't mine.

Buzzardbilly said...

LMAO! What a lucky day! Please tell us you rushed out and got a lottery ticket.

Hungry Mother said...

I was happy to go see a Muppet movie with the kids, but by time we had our third, I gave her a dispensation when she was 3 so she could see "R" movies with us. It worked out for the best and she got to see some good movies, such as "Jaws" where she cut off the circulation in my arm so badly I almost had to have it amputated.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Thank goodness all the kids I'm related to live 3000 miles away.

Colonel Colonel said...

The chipmunks are evil. We're grilling Alvin and feeding him to our cats for Christmas.

Titania Starlight said...

That is why I rent from netflix. Jayzus! What is wrong with the parents?


Chipmunk poop is funny until I step in it. My cats love chipmunks. Poor Alvin.

Have a great Christmas!

heatherrr__eloise said...

you are gross.
but i love it.
this was extremely hilarious.

and you are right.
jason lee should keep the "my name is earl" pornostache.

Malach the Merciless said...

Bamwp chick wah wah

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Oh YUCK!!!! I cannot hear, smell or even think about throwing up without heaving.

Sassy Momma said...

LOL Glad you didn't end up with E.D. (explosive diarrhea).

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