The Prick who Numbed Me | Mental Poo

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Prick who Numbed Me


Did I mention that I F*CKING HATE NEEDLES?!

Yeah. I did.

Hate ‘em, hate ‘em, hate ‘em.

I hate them more than I hate seeing a 1982 Toyota pull past me on the highway…

...sounding like a crazy turbo-charged lawnmower…

...with a...

..."bolt on stupid sh*t what the F*CK do you think you are driving a jet? gigantic-wing-thing"...

...stuck on the back…

...and a two-foot diameter tailpipe that even an elephant wouldn’t think was tight while he was banging it as he feverishly tried to make little baby elephant-Toyota-mutant things.


Elephant:
"WTF?! This is like screwing an open window. Who pimped this ride?!"

Sometimes I wish I had a hood mounted cannon on my car.


Assholes.

If you’re one of them reading this…you look like an ass and no one likes you.

…while you're at it, pull up your pants and turn your hat back around.

You stupid, stupid prick.

(Public Service Announcement is now over).

Anyway…back to needles…

What sucks about hating needles is that I have the honor of having tendonitis in my left shoulder.


This, in and of itself, isn’t bad.

But – every so often...

...I need to get a cortisone shot.

Did I mention I DON'T LIKE NEEDLES?

Last week, I woke with awful pain in my shoulder.

For four days, I could not raise my left arm.

Luckily for me, I self-pleasure with my right hand (and sometimes a box of chocolate donuts (as to best simulate my desire for "Jungle Fever")), so this didn’t affect my Advent Calendar too much.

So, the FIRST time I went to this Orthopedist, he diagnosed me with "calcific tendonitis".


Mind you...

...this original diagnosis was in 2003.

2003.

I’ve been back to this SAME DOCTOR at least ONCE A YEAR for the past four years to get a cortisone shot.

So…seeing that it was REALLY bad last week…I went back today.

After sending me for X-Rays, my doctor comes back into the room….

Dr.: “Well…guess what?”

Me: “What?”

Dr.: “You, sir, have calcium in your shoulder."

*blink*

Me: "...um..."

Dr. (continuing): "We call this calcific tendonitis.”

*blink*

Me: “No sh*t. You told me this SAME THING four f*cking years ago.”

*crickets*


He looks confused...like, "Do I know you?"

He pauses, then looks down.

He decides to thumb through my chart (you'd think he would have done this BEFORE).

Dr.: “Oh yeah. Well...would ya look at that.”

(Scene of unimaginable violence as I kill him with his own shoe).

Dr.: “Well…let’s give you some cortisone, and see you in 6 weeks.”

AWESOME.

I LOVE Cortisone.

If they could make cortisone shakes at McDonald’s, I’d be their biggest customer.


One McCortisone Shake a day is all I'd need…

...but I'd drink two shakes when they bring out the Monopoly game.

There's REAL WINNERS you know!

...but I digress...

In 2003, when we had this meeting THE GODDAMN FIRST TIME, he did the same thing.

He gave me a cortisone shot.

I had never had a cortisone shot before…

...but I’d heard the horror stories.

Mind you…I’m a huge pussy. I don't do well with pain.

BUT – surprisingly, it did not hurt. At all.

What gets you, though, is the anticipation BEFORE the needle.

...as a cortisone injection uses a needle roughly the size of the Space Shuttle.


...and they leave the gigantic syringe sitting there on the table...

...that bitch is taunting you...

"Hey there, dickhead," it says..."This is gonna F*CKING KILL."

I hate talking needles.

But the actual injection doesn't hurt (see "elephant banging open window" reference above).

What DOES feel weird, though, is that the shot contains approximate four gallons of cortisone.

When you have four gallons of fluid being pumped in your shoulder…it feels weird.

On that note, I feel that I can now relate to being a woman in a voluntary record-setting gang bang…except that the fluid being pumped into me is going in my shoulder and not in any other orifice(s).

(not that I've watched such a movie...just..you know...guessing that such a movie even..um...exists)



I feel I've said too much.

Anyway…

...in 2003, I got my shot, and left the office.

The shoulder felt good.

REALLY good.

So, immediately upon leaving the doctor's office, I hopped in my car and drove to work.

35 miles to work.

About ½ way there…I started to feel it…

..hmm…what…?

My lips were going numb.

…what the…?

Another minute later, my tongue was numb.

…shonofabish…

My cheeks were numb.

“Um…,” I think to myself…”This can’t be good.”

Starting to freak out, I call the doctor’s office.

Nurse: “How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi. I was just in there and had a cortisone shot. Now my face is going completely numb. Thought I’d call and see if this was normal.”


Nurse: “Well…where are you?”

Where was I?

I was in four lanes of heavy traffic going 80 miles an hour on the busiest highway in Massachusetts.

Me: “I’m driving to work, why?”

There’s a noticeable lull in the conversation.

*cricket*

*cricket*

Finally…she breaks the silence:

Nurse: “You’re…you're actually driving?!”

Me: “Um…yeah. I’m on 128 now. Um...why?”

*cricket*

WTF?! More silence?!?

She comes back:

Nurse: “…oh…”


OH?

This was not an:

“Oh…you’re dressing as Santa this year?” – ‘Oh’…

...this was a:

We forgot to tell you that you shouldn’t be driving lest you kill someone” – ‘Oh’.

Me: “Um…what’s up with the ‘Oh?’”

Nurse: “We usually tell people to relax for an hour or so in case they have a reaction to the shot. You’re having a reaction. You should be lying down.”

*blink*

Me:”…oh…”

Am I going to die?! WHY WOULDN’T THEY TELL ME THIS EARLIER?!?!?!?


I immediately have flashes of gurgling up foam...passing out...as I drift into the oncoming lane and completely take out the van full of nuns coming the other way in a fiery, yet spectacular, explosion.

“..oh…”

But it didn’t happen.

I didn't pass out.

I didn't crash into nuns.

I didn’t die.

I survived the reaction.

Just like I did today.

Again.

On my way to work. Another reaction.

Lips numb..face numb...talking like "Mushmouth" from Fat Albert.


F*cking shoulder.

Once again, I made it.

No nuns were harmed in writing of this post.

However, may I say that if I DID have a bad reaction in the car, I would have aimed my hurtling vehicle at that goddamn Toyota with the giant fin and the Jenna Jameson tailpipe.


I’d spare the nuns this time and take out the pimped-out hip-hop jackass instead.

It IS Christmas, after all.

23 comments:

Hungry Mother said...

I'm no doctor, but I watched my wife suffer for months with "frozen shoulder", which is a very common condition. She was misdiagnosed and a cortisone shot didn't help her. Unfortunately, she had this when we were in Spain for 4 months, where she couldn't lift either arm. When we got home, she tried physical therapy and was totally cured in a few weeks.

Driving on 128 in Boston is one of my favorite things. It brings out the beast in me. I'm a master of the 4 lane cross as soon as I come up the on ramp at 75 mph.

Biscuit said...

Those teddies are naughty.

We won't be demonstrating that together on my blog, no matter how confused Suthnuh gets ;)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

OMG ha ha ha ha ha funny as hell!

The pictures only add to the humor which leads to me now having to change my underpants. I can't laugh without peeing myself you see.

My fault too as I had to scroll back up once I was done with the article so I could take a second gander at the pics.

Divalicious said...

Pimped cars and their respective drivers annoy the ever loving shit out of me. It's that "I'm A Pimpdaddy" mentality that goes along with the vehicle that really chaps my ass.

I hate needles. I'm scared of needles. They have to put me in a straight jacket to give me the needle.

The Real Mother Hen said...

I want some of that Instant Numb thing...
That's a good thing to have when babies are crying or husband isn't behaving :)

HeyJoe said...

My God, you’re brilliant! You are spot on in every one of your comments and observations. I adore you.
P.S. Great pics, BTW. Mushmouth – Yes.

Christopher Gehler said...

That sounds quite un-fun. 4-gallons?! Jesus christ.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who was royally pissed about how the city was portrayed in "A Perfect Storm".
He said with chagrin
As he pulled the lobster trap in,
"Warner Brothers can suck my big worm."

- Priceless.

Slick said...

I can't stand them damn rice rocket drivin bastards either. I say we form some kind of coalition....

Hey dude, congrats on not passin' out. Truth be told, I'm a big ass sissy when it comes to needles too!

Upset Waitress said...

Hah! Hilarious, your brain is a total shit storm. I love your blog. I should sooo sidebar you, however I drink alot. And I started early today. Chances are I will forget right after I close this little box. :)

random moments said...

That's MY car!! *snicker*

Maybe your doc has been playing with too many needles?

moooooog35 said...

I'm not sure WHAT was up with my doctor. Although, I was told that he was under suspicion of fondling a woman patient..and usually had to have a nurse in the room with him at all times.

I don't remember a nurse.

Actually...now that I think of it..there's a block of time there that I'm missing.

..and I just farted and no sound came out.

Maybe it wasn't just a cortisone injection...

That's...just...great.

..well..at least my apparent violation has taken my mind off my shoulder.

Feels better already.

Mike said...

Talking about gaping holes, that nurse's open mouth is juuuuuussst about right.

Oh, and whenever I see one of those bling bling pimp daddie assholes that have a tricked out Honda Civic and think they are the shit, I run them off the road and stuff them into their oversized tailpipes.

Remind me to take and send you a video next time.

Upset Waitress said...

There's nothing like shitting your pants to get your mind off of shoulder pain! Works every time.

Anonymous said...

OMG what a big baby you are...A needle...yeah those things could kill you...just how much of a weenie are you..a little tiny women gives birth to a watermellon and you are afraid of a needle...pathetic

moooooog35 said...

Oooohhh...Anonymous. So brave, yet..so..ANONYMOUS.

Listen, I'm very happy that you gave birth to a watermelon.

I'm proud of you.

Although, I am a bit concerned that you're fornicating with fruit.

If you read the beginning of the post (this may have been where you tuned out..giving a BJ to a plantain or something), you'll noticed that I said (a) I HATE NEEDLES and (b) I'm a pussy.

So..I'm not clear on your point, as I clearly stated this prior to you mentioning that you have a food fetish.

cookiebitch said...

I can think of a lot of people who I would prefer to have their face go numb and be unable to talk. Where can I get some of that there cortizone anyway?

Nice post! I don't care what HeyJoe says about you.

Malach the Merciless said...

What gets me about these cars is their owners spend $1000's on a car worth $250.

meleah rebeccah said...

"I LOVE Cortisone."

Me too! I get those horrific shots once a year in my right wrist...

Your PhotoShopped pictures are sofa king funny.

I LOVE THE McNumb and your "doctor' ones the best.

jeff said...

dude, your goddamn blog is just too fucking hilarious. i'm coming here everyday so i can laugh.

C.Rag said...

So you want needles for Christmas, right?

meleah rebeccah said...

I agree with Jeff, You are definitely a DAILY READ.

sxdiva said...

So, okay, Nurse here - I hate needles too. I am WAY worse than you I promise. I never take a flu shot because I'm so bad about it.

I need to tell you. I don't think you're having a "normal" reaction to those Cortisone injections. I guess your doctor is using some Lidocaine with the Cortisone, so maybe it 's okay, but if he's not, be careful okay?

Prin said...

Are you sure you shouldn't get a second opinion? I was told that over time, cortisone actually makes the joint weaker... Just sayin'...

I wonder if that last guy is on time.

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