“W” is sometimes a vowel.
Hard to believe, I know...
...but apparently this is true.
I know this now, thankfully because my 7 year old daughter told me this.
How did she find this out?
Apparently, her teacher told her.
Now, I’m sure she misunderstood her teacher (at least, this is what I’m PRAYING for)…
...although, if you’ve read my post about the teacher at my wife’s school, you’ll know that anything is possible.
Once upon a time, I could tell my daughter anything, and she’d take it as fact (you can read about my gullible children HERE and HERE).
However, the older my daughter gets, the more indignant she is that I’m wrong.
..and yes, I know, it's only going to get worse.
The first case here is with the letter “W”.
I’m not sure how it came up, but while getting ready for supper one night, my daughter said:
“You know…sometimes the letter “W” is a vowel.”
My SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER...who is in second grade...is telling me WHAT?
“No, honey,” I said. “It’s not.”
“But it’s TRUE…it really is true…” she said.
“No,” I said again, “It’s NOT.”
Her: “It IS.”
Now I’m getting pissed.
God, give me the strength to keep me from eating my own children.
However, in the back of my head at the same time I’m trying to think if I’ve forgotten what my vowels actually are…
...just in case…you know…
So I asked her where she heard that.
She tells me that her teacher told her.
At this point, I’m between a rock and a hard place.
I start telling her that she must have misunderstood the teacher.
She fights me on it with:
“No…she really said it. She really did…”
…and what makes this all the more aggravating is that my daughter has this whiiiiine to her voice when she’s trying to get her point across…as in, “she really diiiiiiid….”
I’m on the verge of smacking her (which, for the record, I wouldn’t do…lest PETA come down on my ass for some reason…relating it to beating an animal or some other bullsh*t...)
This argument goes on for ten minutes (where I can’t believe I’m actually arguing on whether or not “W” is a vowel).
We even Google the vowels where I show her that there’s NO “W” (breathing a sigh of relief myself here).
Unfortunately, she’s still not convinced because her teacher TOLD her this.
As such, it must be fact.
I end the argument with a simple, “It’s not. Drop it. Ask your teacher tomorrow.”
I still think she believes the letter “W” is a vowel.
This will affect her SAT scores later on, I’m sure…relegating her to a life of working in the fast-food industry (and never past middle-management or "fry-guy" status).
Not that serving fast-food is a bad thing (Hell…everyone deserves the right to have employment where washing your hands after taking a sh*t and delivering food is optional).
On a side note...I re-Googled the vowels.
..and stumbled upon Wikipedia's definition...
...where I find this:
"The name "vowel" is often used for the symbols used for representing vowel sounds in a language's writing system, particularly if the language uses an alphabet. In the Latin alphabet, the vowel letters are A, E, I, O, U, W (usually only in diphthongs), and Y (though some of these, especially W and Y, are also used to represent approximants in some writing systems)"
WHAT THE F*CK?!?
...is her second grade teacher instructing them on DIPHTHONGS?!
...where the "W" CAN be a vowel?!?!?
WHAT THE F*CK IS A DIPHTHONG!?!?
I'm picturing underwear on a hot Korean woman.
It's a GREAT visual...but I have no idea what it has to do with vowels.
I'm keeping this one tucked under my belt.
The latest argument happened last night.
We have Comcast cable with the “On Demand” feature.
Every so often, I put on “Gallery Player” – which is basically a bunch of high definition pictures (a slide show) of different places…
...I then play “teacher” (I avoid slideshows where they showcase vowels now), and narrate the show.
(As a side note, narrating shows is especially fun with Playboy On-Demand…but make sure your kids are in bed).
The gallery we watched last night was “The American Southwest”, where they basically show the Southwestern United States (which apparently consists of red dirt, red rock, red Navajo people and trailer parks).
At one point…they showed a picture of a white-sand gypsum desert.
My daughter looks at the picture – mind you...it’s ON MY TV – and says:
“That’s IMPOSSIBLE to have white sand.”
I turn to look at the TV.
Yep…there’s a picture of it.
Honey…can’t you actually SEE IT RIGHT THERE?!?!? It’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?!?!?!
“Well..um..it’s NOT impossible…you’re actually LOOKING at white sand right now. In fact (showing my pure genius), in Hawaii, they have BLACK sand beaches.”
Again, indignantly from her:
“It CAN’T be true. It’s impossible.”
I stare blankly.
I look back at the television…I see white sand…
...I look back at her…
I cannot win this argument.
I have not a single idea how to better my stance than “you’re looking at it.”
It’s all I’ve got.
I have no idea why she’s even fighting me on it.
It’s going to really, really suck when she can actually formulate a valid argument.
She’s going down.
Thursday, December 13, 2007