If there WAS such a thing as White Sand, then the "W" would be a vowel | Mental Poo

Thursday, December 13, 2007

If there WAS such a thing as White Sand, then the "W" would be a vowel

“W” is sometimes a vowel.

Hard to believe, I know...

...but apparently this is true.

I know this now, thankfully because my 7 year old daughter told me this.

How did she find this out?

Apparently, her teacher told her.

Now, I’m sure she misunderstood her teacher (at least, this is what I’m PRAYING for)…

...although, if you’ve read my post about the teacher at my wife’s school, you’ll know that anything is possible.

Once upon a time, I could tell my daughter anything, and she’d take it as fact (you can read about my gullible children HERE and HERE).

However, the older my daughter gets, the more indignant she is that I’m wrong.

..and yes, I know, it's only going to get worse.

The first case here is with the letter “W”.

I’m not sure how it came up, but while getting ready for supper one night, my daughter said:

“You know…sometimes the letter “W” is a vowel.”


...say again?

My SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER...who is in second grade...is telling me WHAT?

No, honey,” I said. “It’s not.”

But it’s TRUE…it really is true…” she said.

No,” I said again, “It’s NOT.”

Her: “It IS.”


Now I’m getting pissed.

God, give me the strength to keep me from eating my own children.

However, in the back of my head at the same time I’m trying to think if I’ve forgotten what my vowels actually are

...just in case…you know…

...she’s right.

So I asked her where she heard that.

She tells me that her teacher told her.


At this point, I’m between a rock and a hard place.

I start telling her that she must have misunderstood the teacher.

She fights me on it with:

“No…she really said it. She really did…”

…and what makes this all the more aggravating is that my daughter has this whiiiiine to her voice when she’s trying to get her point across…as in, “she really diiiiiiid….”

I’m on the verge of smacking her (which, for the record, I wouldn’t do…lest PETA come down on my ass for some reason…relating it to beating an animal or some other bullsh*t...)

This argument goes on for ten minutes (where I can’t believe I’m actually arguing on whether or not “W” is a vowel).

We even Google the vowels where I show her that there’s NO “W” (breathing a sigh of relief myself here).

Unfortunately, she’s still not convinced because her teacher TOLD her this.

As such, it must be fact.

I end the argument with a simple, “It’s not. Drop it. Ask your teacher tomorrow.”

I still think she believes the letter “W” is a vowel.

This will affect her SAT scores later on, I’m sure…relegating her to a life of working in the fast-food industry (and never past middle-management or "fry-guy" status).

Not that serving fast-food is a bad thing (Hell…everyone deserves the right to have employment where washing your hands after taking a sh*t and delivering food is optional).

On a side note...I re-Googled the vowels.

..and stumbled upon Wikipedia's definition...

...where I find this:

"The name "vowel" is often used for the symbols used for representing vowel sounds in a language's writing system, particularly if the language uses an alphabet. In the Latin alphabet, the vowel letters are A, E, I, O, U, W (usually only in diphthongs), and Y (though some of these, especially W and Y, are also used to represent approximants in some writing systems)"


...is her second grade teacher instructing them on DIPHTHONGS?!

...where the "W" CAN be a vowel?!?!?

...more importantly...


I'm picturing underwear on a hot Korean woman.

It's a GREAT visual...but I have no idea what it has to do with vowels.


I'm keeping this one tucked under my belt.


The latest argument happened last night.

We have Comcast cable with the “On Demand” feature.

Every so often, I put on “Gallery Player” – which is basically a bunch of high definition pictures (a slide show) of different places…

...I then play “teacher” (I avoid slideshows where they showcase vowels now), and narrate the show.

(As a side note, narrating shows is especially fun with Playboy On-Demand…but make sure your kids are in bed).

The gallery we watched last night was “The American Southwest”, where they basically show the Southwestern United States (which apparently consists of red dirt, red rock, red Navajo people and trailer parks).

At one point…they showed a picture of a white-sand gypsum desert.

My daughter looks at the picture – mind you...it’s ON MY TV – and says:

“That’s IMPOSSIBLE to have white sand.”


I’m dumbfounded.

I turn to look at the TV.

Yep…there’s a picture of it.

White sand.

Honey…can’t you actually SEE IT RIGHT THERE?!?!? It’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?!?!?!

I reply:

“Well..um..it’s NOT impossible…you’re actually LOOKING at white sand right now. In fact (showing my pure genius), in Hawaii, they have BLACK sand beaches.

Again, indignantly from her:

“It CAN’T be true. It’s impossible.”


I stare blankly.

I look back at the television…I see white sand…

...I look back at her…


I cannot win this argument.

I have not a single idea how to better my stance than “you’re looking at it.”

It’s all I’ve got.

I have no idea why she’s even fighting me on it.

It’s going to really, really suck when she can actually formulate a valid argument.

I’m dead.

Call PETA.

She’s going down.


Anonymous said...

This is what you're upset about? THIS?! The vowels and sand crap? Honey, that's nothing. Wait until she gets old enough to really look at you like you're an idiot AND when she's old enough to get her period AND when she's old enough to gang up on you with your wife right beisde her. THESE are the sweet and innocent years. It's only going down hill from here.

Anonymous said...

You're not alone. My first grader had homework last week that involved vertices. I had completely forgotten all about vertices, and my son had to correct MY errors, when I was supposed to be correcting HIS.

I watched as that "my mom is the smartest person ever" look melted away and was replaced with mild disgust.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad I have all boys. They tend to believe more of what I say.

Such as: "Clean your room or your dick will fall off!"

They have the cleanest rooms around and I'm one happy mom! :o)

Anonymous said...

I found your blog from a link on Kitty's page. Thank you for giving me a crafty thursday afternoon chuckle at my work-desk. My daughter is 3 and already makes me feel like an idiot, so I feel your pain.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Next time she says "There is no such thing as white sand" just pipe back "There's no such thing as Santa."

Moooooog35 said...


Jen said...

"God, give me the strength to keep me from eating my own children."
Yes, I know this feeling, know it well. Let's not get your daughter and my son together because the world as we know it may actually cease to exist. They would argue it out of existence.

Malach the Merciless said...

W is only consider a vowel in rare case on /ow/ for a long vowel sound as in cow

Tequila Mockingbird said...

mmm dipthongs.

billymac said...

ok, i'm a pretty lazy f-er... can somebody tell me what the F a dipthong is?

Anonymous said...

According to Wikipedia: In phonetics, a diphthong (also gliding vowel) (Greek "diphthongos", literally "with two sounds," or "with two tones") is a monosyllabic vowel combination involving a quick but smooth movement from one vowel to another, often interpreted by listeners as a single vowel sound or phoneme.

WTF? When did something like a vowel become so freakin' hard?

I'm going to go be stupid now.

Anonymous said...


It's your mother. You know you were exactly the same when you were a child only really much worse. You constantly argued - about everything! I can't tell you how many times we threatened to send you off to the Military Academy. Thank goodness we didn't have to worry about PETA or your father and I would have been jailed. What goes around comes around. xoxox

phillygirl said...

Pahahahahahahahaha. That is hysterical.

Sara Sue said...

Don't worry ... by the time she can argue like an attorney, she will have found your advent calendar and she won't be speaking to you!

Hungry Mother said...

Don't forget "As seen on TV" when teaching or arguing with the brats. Wheel of fortune defines a vowel as one of those letters one has to buy. I suggest "South Park" as a rich resource for information.

linda said...

Ha ha ha. I thought my boy was bad with all his questions about sex!

I can see arguments on the horizon when your daughter hits puberty. She thinks you know nothing now! Wait until the hormones kick in.

You are going to want to run away from home.

Michelle Hix said...

I remember learning that...a,e,i,o,u and sometimes y and w. I still have no idea when, where, why, or how frickin w or y for that matter can be vowels!

prin said...

Dad? Is that you? :D

I like your daughter. Anybody who stumps the mooooog is a friend of mine. :D

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