A Letter to my inner Jennifer Garner | Mental Poo

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

A Letter to my inner Jennifer Garner

So, Malach tagged me to do this task:

Here are the rules:

1. Link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Imagine you could send a letter back in time to yourself, when you were 13 years old, what would you write to yourself?
3. Tag 5 people to do this blog

...I don't usually do these, but this one sounded fun...so...

1. Done.
2. Fine....here’s the Letter to my 13 year-old self:

Hey Fatass,

This letter comes to you from your 39-year old self…

Yes…you’ve survived to be 39 years old.

First, a couple of things about your 39-old you that you may find shocking:

1) You’re still short. In fact, I think you may be shrinking.

2) You’re losing your hair. Yes, see that mullet you've been working on? Well, kid, you might as well save some of it for later.

3) You have two kids, a wife, and you still live in New Hampshire.

4) You are not a porn star...yet.

5) You just had a vasectomy…this is where they cut your balls open. You VOLUNTEERED to do this...no Chinese prison was involved. Also, there was smoke. Don’t be alarmed when you see it.

6) You work in the computer field. You make good money. However, it’s still not enough and you hate your job.

7) You have no cavities.

Anyway, enough about me.

Now…about you….

I’m going to write this in the form of some helpful advice tips.


Right now at 13, you’re fat.

Face it, mom lied – you’re not “big boned,” you’re a porker. Those Sears jeans you wear are called “husky” because – and you’ll find this out – husky is another word for “fat.”

Because of this, High School is going to suck for a while.

Lose the weight.

Put down the Atari, put on some leg warmers and go do some jumping jacks.

Then, when you go to the first school dance, do NOT wear dress shoes.

No one else will be wearing them.

People will make fun of you.

But at least you won’t be fat.


Not much exciting is going to happen to you until you get your license.

Your first car will be a piece-of-sh*t Ford Maverick. You will want to dress it up in various ways (like adding “mag wheels” to it, or – literally – GLUING a station-wagon spoiler to the trunk). DON’T DO THIS.

People will make fun of you.

Anyway, you’ll be working at a restaurant and will leave the car open on a hot day. The car will be stolen.


..because your next car will kick serious ass and be a total chick magnet…you will have a license plate of “Rowdy,” which will also become your nickname in the yearbook.

Doors will open for you. Boys will envy you. Girls will adore you. You will be included in cool groups.


…but take your new sneakers out of the back seat first. Those got stolen with the car.


In Algebra class, Sophomore year, you will want to crack your back against your desk.

Don't do it.

You fart.

People make fun of you.

This will haunt you for years.


You’re going to have continuing arguments throughout high school with your friend Jack on which band is better: Iron Maiden (you) vs. Judas Priest (Jack)

Jack is right.

Priest IS better. You will realize this later on.

Plus, you can’t win arguments with Jack.

He’ll make fun of you.

So, concede this and move on. It turns out that Judas Priest actually is better.

If it helps to ease your pain, though, you can rub it in his face that Rob Halford turns out to be gay. It’s the 80’s and you haven’t learned tolerance yet…so it’s very likely that he’ll start freaking out.

It should be fun to watch.


You know all that money you were going to spend on Rowdy that I just talked you out of? Take it, and buy stock in a company called "Microsoft."

Stock, in this reference, is not referring to soup.

I know you're still thinking about food, you fat sh*t. Cut it out.

Doing this will make you rich. It may make you "I have my own harem" rich.

(People may make fun of you when you're rich, but you can pay to have them killed discretely)

Tip #6: JEN

When you meet Jen (your wife) in 1989, start selling her on the harem thing.


Looks good now…but by the time you’re my age, you’ll find that your hairline is receding faster than the glaciers (there’s this whole “global warming warning” thing I could throw in here…but I think the car stuff is more important to a 13-year old and you couldn’t actually give a sh*t about polar bears).

Your hairline is going to start resembling Florida.

People will make fun of you.

Rogaine. Buy stock in that, too. You’re going to use a lot of it.

I think that’s it. A lot of cool stuff is going to happen to you…and a lot of coincidences are going to lead you to where I am right now. You’ve got a pretty good life all told.

It will be better with a harem, so I’m trying to swing that for you…but if it doesn’t work out, this is still a really good existence.

See ya, kid.

Oh…one last tip:

When you’re in Montreal with Chris and Manny, don’t ask those kids “if they have a problem”. They do.

Trust me.

3) Okay, now to tag 5 people:

A Girl, A Boy and Me


JM said...

First time I read your blog. What an interesting glimpse. I journal and just last week I wrote a letter to my 16 yr old self. I forgot the Microsoft tip though.

FreeOscar said...

Mullets go out of style...What?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

ok fine. i'll bite. this is the second time i've been tagged (first by malach).

Unknown said...

I sort of feel sorry for your 13 year old self now...

Anonymous said...

Well you know what they say about guys who have to use their cars to get chicks......

It wasn't the mullet or dress shoes either that attracted the women to you.Believe me!

MelissaQ said...

This is such a great post.
I do kinda feel sorry for your 13 year old self too. Poor guy. hahaha.

Anonymous said...

Crap! I hate being tagged. But, I will admit, this sounds fun. OK, I can't promise anything but I will try.

Hungry Mother said...

Hate your job? That's the one that gets me feeling sorry. I wish everyone could have a career like mine was, where I never felt like I had a boss, and I loved every minute of it.

Diva said...

That's awesome. Totally awesome!

Elise said...

But all of those experiences make good entertainment! ;)

Kitty said...

Malach has created the coolest meme.

You look more like Danny DeVito every day.

Moooooog35 said...

Shit. Just remembered another tip to myself:

You will want to go to college for Architecture. It will suck. You will do A LOT OF MATH...and not much drawing.

..although..there is a nurse's dorm there...so maybe you should stick with it.

Cindy Breninger said...

I will do this as long as I receive your check in the mail by today, and you, or one of your friends, tells me how I can put a name, like Mooooog, on my page and when you click on the name it goes to their page. I don't have a clue how to do this...HELP! :)

Forrest Proper said...

Great letter!

I hated algebra too, though I slept through most of it.

Malach the Merciless said...

Nice Job:

Maiden, Better that Preist
Rogaine, waste of money, they are only 2 years away from solving Male Pattern Baldness

Moooooog35 said...


Got to disagree with you on both.

Once upon a time, I would have argued until the ends of the earth for Maiden. Until I got my first mp3 player, and downloaded a ton of songs on them...then realizing that I couldn't decipher one from another when they started...(except for the old stuff with the original singer).

As for Rogaine, I believe it's why I'm not completely bald now. Try the foam! It's fun! It's soapy! Just don't forget to rub it in, or else it looks like you were attacked by a bunch of full seagulls.

Anonymous said...

Tagged I have been....

Dang dude, awesome "replacement" car. He's gonna be one lucky bastard once he gets out of them Huskies. ;)

prin said...

Awesome post. The first DeVito pic made me LOL.

Your poor younger self though. :( lol

Anonymous said...

Okay, aside from the usual laughs that I get from you, I have also learned I can no longer towel dry my hair? Why? Is that why it stands straight up all the time. Next, you're gonna say something about combing it. gee whiz!
You're funny, and pretty loose, but there a lot of little rules here.

Mike said...

Sir, this post rocks. Mostly because I can't remember what I had for breakfast, let alone when I publicly farted in high school. Although it must have been frequent, that must have been the reason I wasn't popular. Yea....

Anyways, as a matter of fact, your whole blog rocks. Hope you don't mind, I added you to my 'roll.



Anonymous said...

Architecture School- Naaaah they had tricked you .It was actulally NASA training their next monkey for space flight.

I have always wondered,do men who use Rogaine get hair growth on the palm of their hands?

Rahul said...

This was hysterical. Buy Microsoft.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Thanks for the tag. And it had to be more than the car that got you popular. Lots of guys had cool cars when I was in high school.

I remember laughing at one "You thought I was your GIRLFRIEND because I let you drive me around?".

Okay, so I was a little bitchy. In my defense...I was going to say he had red hair...and then I realized I'm still a little bitchy. :D

Anonymous said...

ohh now that's funny! great take on a 13 yr old's mentality! had me rolling!

Eve said...

This was hilarious! Thanks for the glimpse. Love the Microsoft tip.

The Real Mother Hen said...

Husky is another word for Fat, I like that :)

The get your car stolen thing, nope I don't buy it. You need a space shuttle to impress people nowadays, who cares about car?!


Excellent post and concept for tag.

Michelle Hix said...

OMG! I am cracking up out loud...my husband is just looking at me like I'm crazy.

linda said...

I am not sure if I could do this meme. I would feel obliged to be honest to myself. Which would mean I would reveal telling people I don't know (and do know) some very, very interesting things about me. Then I would be wanting to run away from home which I cannot as I am too old now to live on the streets.

Hmmmm, thinking the letter would be very long indeed.

mauniejames3 said...

I would have to tell myself to stop stuffing my bra...once they come they will be huge..and..no one believes they are real..and I am such a prude no one dares to see if its true..hahaha..anyway I wouldn't even try to advise my 13 year old self..I was a little shit who thought she knew everything..I wouldn't even listen to myself..

Kat Mortensen said...

I just read your letter to my husband (granted, we're a little older), but he sat up and took notice of the muscle car.
Meant to ask you...did you ever check out the Kitty Litter cake I linked you to for Halloween?
Please check out Poetikat's and let me know what you think of my poems.

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