"..Macchio, Macchio Man....I wanna be a Macchio Man..." | Mental Poo

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

"..Macchio, Macchio Man....I wanna be a Macchio Man..."


Yeah baby…

...I like to wax on….I like to wax off.

(ooh..sh*t…that reminds me to update my Advent Calendar)

Actually…it’s not what it sounds like.

Last night, my 4-year-old son decided it was “wrestling” time.

Wrestling time, for my son, consists of this:

1) He stands at one end of our family room
2) I am on my knees, facing him, on the other side
3) He runs 75 miles per hour (sorry, I don't DO metric), hands outstretched, straight into my chest


This has two effects:

1) He laughs as he piles THROUGH me
2) I black out from the impact…waking up in Canada days later…speaking to someone I don’t know. Oh..wait…wrong blackout.

This differs from my buddy’s “family wrestling” where, apparently, they stare at his junk.

Regardless…

My daughter became involved in the wrestling match.


At one point, with my daughter behind me, I grabbed her arm and flung her over my shoulder.

She said, “Daddy! Where did you learn that?”

…this is where children are fun…you can tell them anything…like…Raisins are People.

“Well,” I said, “I used to be a karate instructor.”

The kids’ eyes open WIDE.

“Really?!”

Me: “Yep. In fact, I was so good that they used to call me 'The Karate Kid.'”

On the couch, my wife’s eyes roll.

Daughter: “Did you REALLY used to teach karate?”

Me: Of course. I was taught by a very wise man. My teacher's name was Mr. Miyagi.”


..wife is laughing…

Me: “We used to sit around and practice catching flies with chopsticks. It’s VERY hard to do. We’ll try it some time.”


Son: “Did he teach you to do karate chops?” (waving hand in the air like an Atlanta Braves fan).


Me: “Oh, of course he did. And do you want to know what our best move was?”

Both: YEAH!

We all stand up.

I then instruct them to hold their arms wide and go up on one leg…and kick with the other.

My signature, Ralph Macchio, move (does not work in Canada, by the way).


They are impressed.

Daughter: “How did you learn to do that?”

Me: “I HAD to learn how to do that. We were in a fight with another karate club one time, and one of the bad kids kicked my leg so I couldn’t use it. Mr Miyagi taught me this.”


Both: “Wow…”

I’ve impressed myself.

But now…I can’t stop…

“Do you want to learn another move?” I ask.

Both: “Yes!!”

Me: “This one’s called ‘The Vulcan Death Grip.’ You grab RIGHT HERE and.….”

Wife: ENOUGH! I don’t need to get a phone call from the school saying your son is giving other kids the ‘Vulcan Death Grip’…unless YOU want to talk to them.”

Dammit.

Fine.


No Vulcan Death Grip.

…tonight.

But tomorrow, I’m teaching them how to get stronger by training in the snow with logs on their backs.

..back when I was a boxer and they called me "Rocky", my manager Mick, showed me that trick.

Boy…I sure do miss Mick.

Damn you, Clubber LangDAMN YOU TO HELL!

29 comments:

C.Rag said...

Fucking awesome.
I screwing around with kids rocks!

Elise said...

The karate kid?! Sorry Moooog I don't think you'll be able to hold on to that identity for long. Its tv at least once a year.

I guess you could say the film is based on you and they had to change your name to protect you're identity..

Elise said...

The karate kid?! Sorry Moooog I don't think you'll be able to hold on to that identity for long. Its tv at least once a year.

I guess you could say the film is based on you and they had to change your name to protect you're identity..

Mike said...

Oh... YOU'RE that guy that keeps on flying onto my front lawn. And I thought the Canadian government finally opened the borders to drunk Americans. Silly me.

As much as I appreciate the fertilizer, next time you land PLEASE try to keep control of your bowels. Thank you.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Wait until your kids want to see you fly through the air like Superman. I'd like to see you flub your way through that one!

Ruby said...

i think its a thing all dads do. they are always telling their little one's they can do all these amazing things....boy are they in for a surprise when they grow up...LOL

oooh, I like the superman bit....so when are you gonna act like superman???

Hungry Mother said...

The origin of my back problems was a wrestling match I had with all 3 of kids. They were all sitting on my stomach on the floor when I felt something give.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i can't hear that macho man song without thinking of the commerical that used it and changed it to "nacho nacho man..."

ugh, it's 10 am, and now i want nachos.

Mimzie said...

Oh God. Your poor kids. Even worse, your poor wife. However, I bet you're a super fun dad!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

You are really twisted! I can't wait for them to hit 18 and catch The Karate Kid. They are SO going to kick your ass. And you'll be really old by then.

moooooog35 said...

Thanks, Tequila. Now I want nachos, too.

This is so easy to do, I'm not sure why other parents don't do it. EVENTUALLY, the kids will learn the truth. So might as well have some fun.

Like when my son's 4-year-old friend was over the other night and walked out my front door to touch a moth. I had to warn him about that and get in as fast as he could (he was barefoot in 20-degree weather)- and used the excuse that "...you can never tell if the moth is a carnivore or not. If he is, he'll take your hand CLEAN off."

He came back inside.

Skryker said...

LOL! Better enjoy that wided-eyed innocence while it lasts. Eventually, they'll catch on to you and never believe a word you say again.

Then comes the eye rolling phase instead. Good times.

Colonel Colonel said...

"I don’t need to get a phone call from the school saying your son is giving other kids the ‘Vulcan Death Grip’"


You're wife is a very wise woman.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Too funny! My entire family did these things to me when I was a child. My dad especially....everything we did...he used to be the champion and had a story.

Great post!

Jolean said...

kids will believ anything these days! my hubby tries to tell stories like this to our nephews, and i, like your wife, keep trying to stop him. Don't need my sis-in-law freaking cause her kids think the kama sutr book we had laying around in the bathroom is a wrestling how to book!

The Sports Mama said...

Your wife..... she is a saint.

I'm just sayin'....

Casdok said...

Brillient pictures!

Divalicious said...

Doh. I love it! My daughter, now 22, still believes just about anything you tell her as long as you do it with a straight face.

A-waxa on, A-waxa off.

Malach the Merciless said...

There is not a lot to do where you live, huh?

Kitty DeMure said...

What's up with kids and wrestling? my 5-year old nephew knows I'm the ultimate girly-girl but still thinks i'm a perfect wrestling opponent.

it is great that kids believe everything--I always tell my nephew that I have a personal relationship with santa and that he has to be good around me in order to get all the killer loot he wants at christmas. (cue my evil laugh!)

Kitty DeMure said...

What's up with kids and wrestling? my 5-year old nephew knows I'm the ultimate girly-girl but still thinks i'm a perfect wrestling opponent.

it is great that kids believe everything--I always tell my nephew that I have a personal relationship with santa and that he has to be good around me in order to get all the killer loot he wants at christmas. (cue my evil laugh!)

Eve said...

This worked for me until about 4 years ago when my oldest daughter began saying, "thats not true." it was too hard to keep a straight face. I loved messing with their heads though. Lots of fun. I will pay for the therapy later so I figure I am entitled.

Grilled Pizza said...

I tagged you!

clairec23 said...

Pleeeeease show your kids the Karate Kid film now and see if they cop on, pleeeeeease! :D

Sara Sue said...

What are you going to do when they finally see the movie and realize Brad Pitt wasn't in it??

AngryMan said...

STAY DOWN, ROCK!!!

Red.eVolution said...

Crap....that is really hilarious,
are you a commedian?
if not you should be!
Nice work.
When I have bad days, I'll come here for some more laughs.


Red.eVolution
Thanks for the laughs.

Michelle Hix said...

I wish I was your kid.

Prin said...

LOL! :D Lucky moms are sensible sometimes. :D

btw, I haven't forgotten you. I'm so far behind because I have no internet outside work, and I'm saving my laughs for when I finally go get internet. You know, a sort of sh*tty christening of my internet. :D

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