..nicked-nut, pud-is-hacked, glad-I-missed-my-bone... | Mental Poo

Monday, December 03, 2007

..nicked-nut, pud-is-hacked, glad-I-missed-my-bone...


(WARNING: The following tale - albeit true - is intended for mature audiences, and those with a strong stomach)

It happened.

I wish to God it didn't, but it did.

It happened.

It happened...without warning.

I...I...I don’t know what I was thinking

…I don’t know where my mind was…

...but fate, in it’s cruel and unforgiving nature, decided it was time to deal me a crushing blow…

…and it happened…

I nicked my right nut while I was shaving it.

OHMYGODSONOFABITCH….NOOOOOOOO!!!!

You know…it was only a matter of time.

My vasectomy scars have healed pretty nicely…except for the one on my right nut (currently in the shape of a smiley face) which is a bit raised.

I’ve been avoiding manscaping this particular area specifically because of this little ball-bumpage anomaly…

…as such, avoiding this little area has resulted in said testicle resembling the lunchlady you had in elementary school with the big, hairy, mole.


mmmm….lunchlady…

Sorry.

So, I decided it was finally time to give the one, lone, sprouting area a trim to go along with the rest of my manscaping….it was starting to look out of place down there…


…like a palm tree in the middle of a desert…

…but instead of a palm tree and desert, it was peach fuzz and ball.

So, sure as sh*t, on the first swipe I feel it.

*zing*

MOTHERF*CKER!

...time freezes...

...the air grows cold...

...I suck in my breath impulsively...

What just happened?!

Did I?

I did.

Ow.

...then...the panic sets in...

No...NOOOOOOOOO......!!!!

Am I bleeding?

Is my nut still there?!


...my mind races...

How do I explain this to the 9-1-1 operator?!?!


The call comes in:
911: “9-1-1. What seems to be the emergency?”

Me (freaking out): MY GOD!! THE BLOOD!!!”

911: “Sir, sir…you’ll need to calm down. What’s the problem, sir?”

Me: THE TWINS…I’VE..DONE SOMETHING…HORRIBLE….TO...TO THE TWINS…MY BABIEEEES...

911: “Sir. Please calm down sir and explain your situation."

Me: "What was I thinking?! Three blades?! THREE?!?"

911: "Sir, you said 'twins.' You’re talking about your children, sir? Are your children hurt, sir?”

Me: “Oh, God…yes…I mean…no…not my kids…my balls. I almost cut off my nut shaving....I think…wait...hold on…”

911: “Um..sir…?”

Me: “Okay..okay…I’m all set…Wow...I washed away the shaving cream and it’s not bleeding that bad."

911: "Sir? Your..nut...sir?"

Me: "Yeah. Phew. Okay. A small “Dora the Explorer” bandage, tops, should cover it. I DO have a question, though…before the paramedics arrive, should I finish shaving the nut or just leave it half done?”

*click*

Those bastards are so insensitive sometimes.


So, I’m explaining this to the people I work with, and one of the guys here says:

“Um…how do you explain to your kids that you have no hair there? My kids would be, like, ‘Daddy…why do you have hair everywhere else but there?’”

Excuse me?

Explain this to my kids?

WHY would I have the actual NEED to explain the look of my pubic area to my children?

..because..um...as general practice, I don't usually let them sit around and stare at my junk.

...but YOUR kids would say what?

...this begs the following dumb question...

How often do you let your children gaze upon your chiclets, and - more curiously - how long are they in this viewing state in order to come to such a conclusion?


Granted, once upon a time I may have strode around my house naked when they were around…most likely exiting the shower or whatnot…but I kind of keep a mental note to myself these days, as they get older, that Daddy’s groin is Daddy’s business

…and I seriously don’t need the neighbors being able to glance into my window as they walk by during their evening stroll…

…and see me standing there naked…my children pointing at my privates…heads tilted in confusion.


I enjoy Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator,” but I have no illusions of stardom at this point in time.

On a related note, I also have really no recollection of my own childhood where the pubic region of my father came into play.

…I believe this is called, “repression.”

As a general rule, I try not to waltz around in front of my children who are:

a) At an age to remember what they see and…
b) Have school friends that they tell these things to

I don’t need this kind of pressure coming from the school board.

However, I do believe that this explains why my buddy wears that ankle bracelet.

24 comments:

Elise said...

Oww! I don't have nuts but I'm sure that was as painful as it sounded!

I've never really been a fan of parents that walk around naked in front of their children. I mean walking around in underwear is ok but I wouldn't walk around with my breasts and my kitten on display...

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Do you not know that the 3rd blade on razors as such is there to scrape bone marrow. That is it's sole purpose.

Next time use Nair. Although gay,it is much,much safer.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

You are a sick man . . .

Grilled Pizza said...

Ouch!
I am so glad my parents didnt walk around naked in font of me!

Hungry Mother said...

I definitely squeezed my legs together reading about the nick.

I had a friend in grade school that used to talk about his mother parading around in the nude around his house. He was definitely going to be gay, because his favorite activity was ballet, but he described his mom's boobs and bush in graphic detail. I was too young to get woody, but I really liked the image of his mother that my mind conjured up.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

As bad as it sounds...peeeling a bandaid off of that area sounds a WHOLE lot worse.

Mimzie said...

Ooooo yeah, the band-aid coming off is going to be a whole other post. Can't wait to hear about it!

Malach the Merciless said...

That is why I shave with a blowtorch, cauterizes the wounds

Divalicious said...

Never use Nair down there. That's all I'm sayin, buddy. Take it easy with the razor for sure... but never EVER slap Nair on your tender parts (goes for boys and girls alike).

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

Being a BRA 'n all, I really haven't much experience hanging with balls...so please explain to me....WHY were you shaving them in the 1st place???

moooooog35 said...

Ah, Olga...

Well - it all started when I HAD to shave them for my vasectomy (feel free to choose my "vasectomy" label on the left here if you want to catch up).

However, I have found two things:

1) I like how it looks
2) I'm now addicted to a clean shave

...which is keeping me going.

But the nick damn near derailed the whole train. Luckily, I'm back on sack...I mean, track.

Kitty DeMure said...

Oh my! I once read a satirical piece about a woman who shaved off her clit when she was taking care of business down there. Thanks to that story and now your tale of woe I am going to be very careful with the razor. This little story should be a warning to all! :)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i like that it was a dora the explorer bandaid.

helpful hint: when shaving crotch regions, use neosporin instead of shaving cream. it totally cuts down on the amount of razor burn.

Able Answer said...

LSD? This is a great blog. I came across your listing in the Google help groups. I have an automotive Q&A blog designed to arm the masses with knowledge about their vehicles however unfortunate it is many of us still need cars. Knowledge is power. Please feel free to comment whenever for increased exposure. Thanks for supporting fellow bloggers. Don't be afraid 2 click.. Thanks - Able

Able Answer said...

LSD? This is a great blog. I came across your listing in the Google help groups. I have an automotive Q&A blog designed to arm the masses with knowledge about their vehicles however unfortunate it is many of us still need cars. Knowledge is power. Please feel free to comment whenever for increased exposure. Thanks for supporting fellow bloggers. Don't be afraid 2 click.. Thanks - Able

em said...

Oh my God, Kitty! Oh God. . .don't say that. . .must look away from the screen.

Yeah. . .so, the shaving cut in the genital region sucks. I've done it. I don't have balls, of course, but it hurt all the same. Especially the first time I had to pee.

Cindy Breninger said...

Never a dull moment around your house! Oh, I added you to my list of favorites on my page. :)
Cindy
www.adayinthelifeofcindy.blogspot.com

Simply Curious said...

And that is why I get it all waxed.

Sara Sue said...

"ball-bumpage anomaly" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAW!!

Prin said...

I think I just repressed this post.

How about an update on the advent calendar, since it's actually advent time? :D

Joeprah said...

Dude, what were you drunk? You need to be careful, like you are handling an atom bomb or rather shaving one. Seriously, take it easy, but LOL stuff man.

AngryMan said...

My parents used to make me stare at their junk for two hours a day when I was a child and I turned out normal. I'm so normal, in fact, that I'm getting a sex change and I will call myself Brangelina.

Chickie said...

Maybe your buddy is a nudist.

Poor injured nut. I cut my coochie once and almost had a stroke before the bleeding stopped.

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

I found a post-it to self that says:

Male or female, your nether regions are treacherous to maintain.

My note must be intended for this post.

Related Posts with Thumbnails