Screw you, I’m not calling you Bradley.
I can’t stand people like this.
When you meet someone, or are introduced to someone for the first time, and this happens:
Introducer: "Rodney, I’d like you to meet our new guy, Bradley Johnson"
Me: "Nice to meet you, Brad."
Brad: "Sorry...It’s BRADLEY."
Bradley, is it?
F*ck you, you prick.
You know what? You know what?
I’m calling you "Brad".
I'm calling you "Brad", you bitch, and you're gonna be happy that's ALL I call you.
In fact, I'm going to go out of my way on a daily basis to make sure you hear me call you "Brad" at least seventeen times. Because NOW I know it pisses you off.
You see, Brad...you took away my choice...and this angers me.
I no longer give people the choice on what they want to be called. Once upon a time, I used to do this:
New guy: "Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Ichabod."
Me: "Hi. Nice to meet you. So…what do people call you? Ick? Icky? Icky-B? Iceman?"
Ichabod: "No. Ichabod's fine."
I am NOT calling you "Ichabod".
I don’t WANT to call you "Ichabod".
I WILL NOT call you "Ichabod".
NO ONE, in their right mind, should ever, EVER, be called "Ichabod".
Your parents might have named you that. Hell, they might have even forced you at gunpoint to NOT change your name…but it doesn’t mean that I have to abide by those rules.
Your parents made a grave, grave mistake.
I, sir, will not punish you for it.
People do the same thing to me:
Ichabod: "Do you like to be called Rod or Rodney?"
Me: "Well, Icky-B, as long as it ain’t “Dickf*ck,” I don’t care what you call me."
This conversation is usually followed by a trip to Human Resources for sensitivity training.
I hate that sh*t.
When I was a kid, I was fat.
Not, "big boned" fat...but "Sears Husky section" fat.
A fat kid named "Rodney."
My friends - my GOOD friends, mind you - called me "Round-ney."
Makes "Brad" not sound so bad now, does it...Brad?
...this also explains why I have a "hit list."
...but I digress.
There’s a reason there are nicknames. It’s so we don’t have to use your full name...saying more syllables takes time...and I just don't want to spend my time on you.
It’s also to bypass the stupid, stupid names that your parents gave you while they were still high on dope...and your mom still had the after-effects of the epidural running through her system.
Rodney becomes Rod (which, I’ve been told, is also a great porno name).
Philip becomes Phil.
William becomes Bill, Billy. However, if you’re prone to beatings you could also go with Willy or – worst case – Bilbo.
Jeffrey becomes DJ Jazzy Jeff. (Ok…only in that show).
I’m not sure when nicknames came about, but I know it must be somewhat of a recent phenomenon.
…otherwise the Bible would have been WAY shorter:
Instead of “The Book of Ezekiel”…you’d have “The Book of Zeke.”
We save 3 characters in print RIGHT THERE.
"The Book of Matthew" becomes “Matt’s Place.”
You have Judas become Jude (which, coincidenally, makes the Beatles song MUCH more topical).
Mary Magdalene becomes Maggie.
...also, with this revelation, suddenly Rod Stewart becomes a religious icon…as we reveal that the song "Maggie Mae" is actually sung from the point of view of Jesus (a.k.a., “JC” or “J-Fed”).
..and, yes…it’s ROD Stewart. Not Rodney.
He should have been in porn with a name like that.
What do you think, Brad?