The Syllables Hurt my Head | Mental Poo

Thursday, December 06, 2007

The Syllables Hurt my Head


Screw you, I’m not calling you Bradley.

I can’t stand people like this.

When you meet someone, or are introduced to someone for the first time, and this happens:

Introducer: "Rodney, I’d like you to meet our new guy, Bradley Johnson"

Me: "Nice to meet you, Brad."

Brad: "Sorry...It’s BRADLEY."

Oh, really?

Bradley, is it?

F*ck you, you prick.

F*ck you.

You know what? You know what?

I’m calling you "Brad".

I'm calling you "Brad", you bitch, and you're gonna be happy that's ALL I call you.

In fact, I'm going to go out of my way on a daily basis to make sure you hear me call you "Brad" at least seventeen times. Because NOW I know it pisses you off.


You see, Brad...you took away my choice...and this angers me.

I no longer give people the choice on what they want to be called. Once upon a time, I used to do this:

New guy: "Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Ichabod."

Me: "Hi. Nice to meet you. So…what do people call you? Ick? Icky? Icky-B? Iceman?"

Ichabod: "No. Ichabod's fine."

Screw you.

I am NOT calling you "Ichabod".

I don’t WANT to call you "Ichabod".

I WILL NOT call you "Ichabod".

NO ONE, in their right mind, should ever, EVER, be called "Ichabod".

Your parents might have named you that. Hell, they might have even forced you at gunpoint to NOT change your name…but it doesn’t mean that I have to abide by those rules.

Your parents made a grave, grave mistake.

I, sir, will not punish you for it.


People do the same thing to me:

Ichabod: "Do you like to be called Rod or Rodney?"

Me: "Well, Icky-B, as long as it ain’t “Dickf*ck,” I don’t care what you call me."

This conversation is usually followed by a trip to Human Resources for sensitivity training.

I hate that sh*t.

When I was a kid, I was fat.

Not, "big boned" fat...but "Sears Husky section" fat.

A fat kid named "Rodney."

My friends - my GOOD friends, mind you - called me "Round-ney."

Makes "Brad" not sound so bad now, does it...Brad?

...this also explains why I have a "hit list."

...but I digress.


...anyway...

There’s a reason there are nicknames. It’s so we don’t have to use your full name...saying more syllables takes time...and I just don't want to spend my time on you.

It’s also to bypass the stupid, stupid names that your parents gave you while they were still high on dope...and your mom still had the after-effects of the epidural running through her system.


Rodney becomes Rod (which, I’ve been told, is also a great porno name).

Philip becomes Phil.

William becomes Bill, Billy. However, if you’re prone to beatings you could also go with Willy or – worst case – Bilbo.

Jeffrey becomes DJ Jazzy Jeff. (Ok…only in that show).


I’m not sure when nicknames came about, but I know it must be somewhat of a recent phenomenon.

…otherwise the Bible would have been WAY shorter:

Instead of “The Book of Ezekiel”…you’d have “The Book of Zeke.”

We save 3 characters in print RIGHT THERE.

"The Book of Matthew" becomes “Matt’s Place.”

You have Judas become Jude (which, coincidenally, makes the Beatles song MUCH more topical).


Mary Magdalene becomes Maggie.

...also, with this revelation, suddenly Rod Stewart becomes a religious icon…as we reveal that the song "Maggie Mae" is actually sung from the point of view of Jesus (a.k.a., “JC” or “J-Fed”).

..and, yes…it’s ROD Stewart. Not Rodney.

He should have been in porn with a name like that.

What do you think, Brad?

31 comments:

Grilled Pizza said...

My brother named one of his terapins Ichabod :0)

C.Rag said...

Hell yeah for nicknames!

My time is to important to say long names.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

The only time you should call someone by their full name is if they are named Richard.

I'm not too sure they'd appreciate you calling them Dick.

Their likely to knock you right out of your husky jeans.

Hungry Mother said...

I've always felt that other people have a right to call me whatever they want. I've never given a straight answer to, "What do you want to be called?" So I've been called a lot of things. Like you, I want the right to call other people by the name that I want to, but I've also been corrected at times. I usually keep my "fuck you" silent.

Zexk said...

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Elise said...

You can call Richard Ricky...

I met a guy called Edward once. For a long time another guy called him Billy. I was confused. It turns out this other guy thought Billy was short for Edward... Idiot!

The good thing about Eddy is that he didn't give a toss what you called him.

xx

Divalicious said...

My son in law in named Richard, I however, call him Dick. He hates it and I'm sure he hates me too. He shouldn't be hatin on me, he should go slap his mama.

My future son in law is named Tommy, short for Thomas. I call him Tom...

Tom and Dick, get it?
Now if I could only get rid of the youngest kid's boyfriend and find her one named Harry...

Tickles the shit out of me. Then again, I'm easily amused.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I'm dying here and I can't tell you why.

Anyway, I'm really efficient - I call my friends by their first initial. When I make a new friend, I'm careful to make sure the letter is free, otherwise, it's too confusing.

Biscuit said...

I did a post on taking liberties with names, lol. I always introduce myself as Jennifer, and most people immediately shorten it to Jen, which is fine. When they ask, I say either is acceptable, just don't call me Jenny. If you do, you'll only do it once :)

The Divine Miss M said...

I kind of like calling people by their full names, well I suppose I do it when they are annoying me or I know that it winds them up. Something so much more fulfilling calling someone Christopher or Benjiman than Chris or Ben when you know it irks them ;)

Some names shouldn't be shortened though; one of my colleagues at work is called Helen and some people call her Hells. Hells?! I wouldn't like to be called that ... You can't sorted my name down, it would just be stupid as it is 1 syllable as it is ;)

Slick said...

My name's not Mike, it's Michael dammit.

So many people call me me Mike or Mikey, I answer to anything and everything...

Got it, Rod?? ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

the only thing that last supper is missing is some spam.

their was this kid in highschool who's name was cole, and i started calling him "cole-lostamy bag"... it stuck. hey, i know you were fat, but "roundy" isnt nearly as bad as what we called "barge". i actually forget what his real name was. oh well. i was kind of a bitch in highschool.

Mimzie said...

What's wrong with the name Ichobod? That's my dad's name and my brother's name! I love it!!

PS
Everything above was a big fat lie.

Colonel Colonel said...

I'd think he'd want "Ichabob" shortened to A-Bod.

I think you're comment moderation thing is getting stuck- my comment on the previous post didn't show up, and The Velvet has had problems too. Why not just ditch it?

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

You're so funny when you're mean!

[Un]Censored said...

Dude, I remember being in school and thinking that I hated my name, Crystal...ugh...so I started to go by Crys (chris). You're right, most people are more likely to remember a one syllable word, rather than two syllables...Crys...could be crys-ten, crys-ti, crys-tina, crys-anthomum...I have been called Michelle, before, but I don't know what crack he was smoking.
Anyway, I thought my name was bad until I started my current job. I work with a guy with the last name Pouder (Pooder). Yeah...I got lucky.

[Un]Censored said...

Dude, I remember being in school and thinking that I hated my name, Crystal...ugh...so I started to go by Crys (chris). You're right, most people are more likely to remember a one syllable word, rather than two syllables...Crys...could be crys-ten, crys-ti, crys-tina, crys-anthomum...I have been called Michelle, before, but I don't know what crack he was smoking.
Anyway, I thought my name was bad until I started my current job. I work with a guy with the last name Pouder (Pooder). Yeah...I got lucky.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

trying again. I think Blogger hates me...

In case the old comment shows up I'll say something new...

I hate the new guy. You were nice to even acknowledge the new guy with eye contact. I scorn the new guy. I put on a headset and pretend I'm taking a call and just nod my head. I pretend to not remember new guy's name. And I'll pretend to not recognize him too. Oh I'm sorry - I called the police - I thought you were robbing us.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Thank God they named me Lynn instead of Penelope. You'd probably call me Ly.

Mike said...

Anybody that's pretentious enough to insist on being called by their full name should be drawn, quartered and bitch slapped.

rs27 said...

There's this guy on our flag football team that everyone calls David. I refuse. I call him Dave every week. They look at me like I'm a jackass. You're the jackass, you!

Sorry, flashbacks.

Talina said...

Too funny! I am not sure what you would come up with for my name.. It's Talina.. Some like to call me T but I am not picky...

Ha! Have a good one.

Baba Doodlius said...

A couple of things:

1) Will Smith is actually named "Willard". I swear I did not make that up. "Will" in this instance is an absolutely appropriate usage of a nickname.

2) Brad *does* call you "Dickface" now, or maybe something even worse. I'm sure you know this already, and that you really don't care.

Malach the Merciless said...

hey ROD how's it going!

Titania Starlight said...

I am so glad I stopped by to enjoy some of your poop. I have had one poopy week. So I really needed some smiles. Thanks. :o)

Michelle Hix said...

Where in the world do you come up with this stuff? This is my therapy.

suchsimplepleasures said...

that post...i think i just burst my appendix from laughing so hard. i haven't been to your blog in awhile and i thought i would check to see what you're ripping on, these days...you're a funny,funny guy!
take care...hafta go to the hospital now to make sure everything is still intact...

Cromely said...

When I first started college, one of the upperclassmen on our speech team was named Denise. For some reason I just couldn't remember that so I decided to call her Vanessa. And it caught on.

She didn't much care for that.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Sorry, but I think Dan Brown was right on this one. Take a real close look at that painting. The one you have labeled as Johnny next to J-Fed should definitely be Maggie. Either that or that whole priest-altar boy thing...well, never mind.

Chickie said...

I'm the total opposite. I insist upon calling people by the name on their birth certificate, even in the prefer otherwise.

My husband is a good example. He's a Stephen but I'm the only person that calls him that and not Steve. Steve just sounds like an asshole to me.

Prin said...

Baba Dood commented part 1 of my comment. :D

Willard. hehe...

Call me Prin. Because everybody has a problem with my full name. Go figure.

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