Forecast today: Partly Cloudy with a Chance of ONE GIANT WIGGLY | Mental Poo

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Forecast today: Partly Cloudy with a Chance of ONE GIANT WIGGLY

According to my weatherman, I’m the equivalent of John Holmes.

…I’ll be updating my resume and sending it to Jenna Jameson shortly.

I live in southern New Hampshire.

Over the past four days, we’ve received, like, two feet of snow.

For a guy who is 5’2” tall, this is similar to being stuck up to your neck in quicksand.

Short = sucks.

...but I digress...

Let me first tell you that we weren’t EXPECTING two feet of snow.

Oooh nooooo…..

...we were supposed to get 4 to 8 inches of snow.

Because that’s what our weathermen said.

Imagine my surprise when, lo and behold, we had a foot of snow on Sunday.

A foot of it.

I F*CKING HATE weather people.

I’m still not sure of their usefulness in the world.

I want a job where I can make mistakes more than 75% of the time, and still feel confident that I can come into work every day, without repurcussions, and talk it up with the hot desk anchor.

F*cking Architecture.

What was I THINKING?!?!?


...In New England, it’s not rare to see the following forecast (by the way, if you only do metric crap and Celcius, do your own goddamn calculations - this isn't the Weather Channel):

Low Temp: 12 degrees
High Temp: 92 degrees
Forecast: Chance of Snow or severe drought.

Low Temp: -2 (windchill of -200 (a.k.a., "I can't find my balls")
High Temp: 62 degrees
Forecast: Sunny with a chance of Thunderstorms and golf-ball size hail

Low Temp: F*ck it..take a guess
High Temp: Imagine the highest temp you can and add 2 degrees
Forecast: High winds from remants of Hurricane “Guapo”. Partly sunny.

Weather here is a crapshoot in New England.

It’s kind of like Mother Nature is bipolar.

You never know what you’re going to get.

I wish that bitch would JUST STAY ON HER MEDS.


I’ve done a bit of travel across the country in my time, and have found some things to be weird:

San Diego Weather:

Visting San Diego, you get THREE separate weather reports:

1. The actual San Diego weather (which is one of two things):
a) Sunny, 70 degrees.
b) On fire.

2. The Mountain forecast (about a half-hour east of San Diego):
a) Add 20 degrees to the San Diego temperature

3. The desert forecast (about an hour or two east of San Diego)
a) Add 400 degrees to the San Diego temperature

Really – you’ll see three separate temperatures in one day’s weather report (70, 90, and 195 degrees).

I have no idea how you pack if you’re traveling from San Diego, through the mountains, to the desert in one day:

“Let’s see…I’ll pack my jeans and t-shirt…my shorts and tank-top...and my camel and burka.”


...the other thing...

Arizona Weather:

I once landed in Arizona on a business trip at 9:30 p.m.

It was 103 degrees.

At 9 p.m.

Upon deplaning, I immediately disappeared into a little poof of vapor, and ended up a mere little pile of salt.

WTF – over a hundred degrees AT NIGHT?!?


(I know someone is going to comment on how it's "a dry heat" - at which point we should all just pile into my minivan, drive to the person's house, and beat the piss out of that jackass)

Anyway, after sidestepping ginormous mutant lizards, plate-sized spiders and trailer trash to get to my hotel, I turned on the news.

Here was the forecast:

Monday: 108 degrees
Tuesday: 109 degrees
Wednesday: 110 degrees
Thursday: 108 degrees

Now..what was funny about this, was that in the midst of the 108/109 degree forecast, was this 110 degree day.

…on the graphic, pasted across the 110 degree Wednesday, was pasted this graphic:



No shit it’s hot, asshole.



Listen...I KNOW 110-degrees is hot…

...I didn't really need the extra graphic there...

..but what the f*ck is 109?!?



Why waste the “HOT” graphic for 110 and NOT 109?!

..was it for shits and giggles? ..something to “mix it up?”…

If it wasn’t actually so f*cking hot outside, I would have driven my rental to the television studio and punched the guy in the throat for stating the obvious.


Give me the snow. takes me more time to find my genitalia on cold days, but CHRIST - at least I can put a sweater on.

…but I digress…


Let’s get back to my wiggly:

Now, based on the snowfall prediction vs. what ACTUALLY fell, I am revising my estimates of penile length and girth:

Based on the Pythagorean theorem and some small quantum physics, we find that:

4 inches (weatherman’s prediction) is to 12 inches (actual snowfall) as 4 inches (length of my d*ck) is to X (variable).

4 is to 12, as 4 is to 'X'


4:12 as 4:X

F*ck...I hate math.

By using my Windows calculator in “scientific” mode and converting some binary to hexadecimal and then back to decimal numbers, we find that, according to my weatherman:

The answer is 12.

12 inches.

My penis, then, is 1 foot long.




…something I can thank my weatherman for.

I’m also fifteen feet tall according to this analogy, but I’m twisting the data for the sole purpose of enhancing my manhood.

It's my post. I can do what I want.

Anyway - thank you Channel 5!!

...for my newfound 12 inches.

That’s HOT.


Anonymous said...

I'm from Alabama. Living there is like living on the Equator. You walk out to check the mail and you melt. Seriously.

Congrats on the massive dong!

The Ponderer said...

XD, LOL, and LMMFAO. Yhay for acronyms. This is one of the few times I'll bring myself to use them, because they're all true.

Utter brilliance, and I think everyone can agree because I too can't see how someone can be wrong at least 15% of the time and still be happy with their lives/jobs/ability to reproduce.


Anonymous said...

Next stop:

Buzzardbilly said...

I once went to sleep after watching a forecast that said we would have 2 inches of snow. The next morning, I awoke to find we had 2 feet of snow and were without electricity for a solid week.

Just think how massive your dick would be using those ratios. Hell, you could quit your job and go into porn with a ratio like that!

Skryker said...

Great post!

Our government weather office was way off this weekend too-told us we'd get an inch or two and we got two feet. But at the same time as saying we'd only get an inch, there was a storm warning issued. Make up your minds, folks!!!

I agree that we should pound anyone who trots out "At least it's a dry heat!". What a useless phrase that is. It's a dry heat in my oven, too-I'm not going to hang out in there!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Be glad you're not in TN. It's always the inverse. They predict an inch and we get nothing.

Your dong would only be a ding down here.

I'm loving the HOT graphic on 110. Excellent point!

Commissioner said...

The easiest job is probably the weather man in L.A. :)

Anonymous said...

Seems as if you will have to do some clothes shopping.

I bet you are now walking around looking like the Incredible Hulk bursting out of your clothes.

The penis chart I have printed out and placed in my purse.Men who have a button mushroom need not apply!

Mike said...

You should live in Canada, you pussy ;)

We got two feet of snow, so what did we do? Go outside, and shovel our driveways. Business as usual.

BTW, my border terrier has to bunny hop to get through the snow. At 5 foot 2, I imagine that's how you do it :P

The Ponderer said...

Moooooog Said: All I've got are man from Nantucket type rhymes.

I'm assuming this won't get me into your "Poets ring."


Well, if all you've got is man from Nantucket rhymes, it depends on if they're as funny as your blog. Because a comical poet is always welcomed on my ring.

It would help brighten things up a bit. ^_^

The Sports Mama said...

Yeah. No comment about the "dry heat" thing. Its HOT. Backyard of HELL hot here in Arizona.

Sadly, we all rejoice when its "only" 103 here at night.

billymac said...

Why do people live in AZ? That is just sick.

Hungry Mother said...

It's only dry heat in Arizona anyways. Try the marine forecast here in Cape May. They might as well just forget about trying to predict it and do a real service by telling us what the fuck it is at a given moment before we take our boats out in it.

Rahul said...

This the San Diego weather.


That's it.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

my penis hides too when it's cold.

The Daily Rant said...

Originally from New York, I've lived in southern Arizona for almost twenty years, off and on.

It's HELL on earth there. ACTUAL hell. The only place worse, I think, is West Texas - that is BEYOND the depths of hell.

And yeah, 100+ degrees is hot whether it's daytime OR nighttime. And the dry heat line? PURE bullshit. Those people are fucked in the head if they think heat that is "dry" is somehow less hot. Pure crap.

I'll take New England weather ANY DAY OF THE WEEK over any kind of hot weather.

As for your penis - I don't really think it has much to do with snowfall calculations - I just think short guys have big I've heard.

Malach the Merciless said...

Stick with NECN, New England's News Source

Me said...

I found your blog when I was searching for "elephantitis of the balls" (not for me specifically, I'm a girl) but just to gross out a friend of mine and I love it! Your blog, not elephantitis of the balls.


Tawnya Shields said...

Oh man you are too freakin funny. I lived in Vegas for five years but I am a native of the northeast. Everytime anyone said, "but it's a dry heat", I wanted to stick my size nine heels up their asses. I wish they would quit saying stoopid shit like dat!
Okay, now you may be wondering if I was a stripper? I'm not tellin. :o)~

prin said...

My snow is bigger than your snow.

? said...

Can I touch your weather vain?

Unknown said...

Mike's comment made me laugh more than your post did, neener...or something.

How do you people not just drop like flies?! I just googled a farenheit to celsius converter and it said it was 43.333333! Fuck that is hot, I've never been in weather even close to that!!

Moooooog35 said...


We've got another four more inches of snow expected tomorrow night.

I'm wondering if I can just add on to my total..or if I have to start over. F*ck it...I make the rules...I'm putting on an addition.

Malach: NECN has the ugliest anchors - I refuse to watch ugly newscasters. I don't care how accurate the forecast is.

BB: I think you meant "whithered vein," and "yes."

Tequila: Please do NOT attach photos of it NOT hiding. Thank you in advance.

Everyone else who commented on Arizona: Yeah, I have no idea how people live out there without simply evaporating...or turning into dried apricots. Actually, now that I think of it...I don't think I've ever actually seen a non-dried apricot. Maybe dried apricots are shriveled Arizonians. I'm gonna run with that one.

Skryker said...

I'm never eating a dried apricot again.

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