According to my weatherman, I’m the equivalent of John Holmes.
…I’ll be updating my resume and sending it to Jenna Jameson shortly.
I live in southern New Hampshire.
Over the past four days, we’ve received, like, two feet of snow.
For a guy who is 5’2” tall, this is similar to being stuck up to your neck in quicksand.
Short = sucks.
...but I digress...
Let me first tell you that we weren’t EXPECTING two feet of snow.
...we were supposed to get 4 to 8 inches of snow.
Because that’s what our weathermen said.
Imagine my surprise when, lo and behold, we had a foot of snow on Sunday.
A foot of it.
I F*CKING HATE weather people.
I’m still not sure of their usefulness in the world.
I want a job where I can make mistakes more than 75% of the time, and still feel confident that I can come into work every day, without repurcussions, and talk it up with the hot desk anchor.
What was I THINKING?!?!?
...In New England, it’s not rare to see the following forecast (by the way, if you only do metric crap and Celcius, do your own goddamn calculations - this isn't the Weather Channel):
Low Temp: 12 degrees
High Temp: 92 degrees
Forecast: Chance of Snow or severe drought.
Low Temp: -2 (windchill of -200 (a.k.a., "I can't find my balls")
High Temp: 62 degrees
Forecast: Sunny with a chance of Thunderstorms and golf-ball size hail
Low Temp: F*ck it..take a guess
High Temp: Imagine the highest temp you can and add 2 degrees
Forecast: High winds from remants of Hurricane “Guapo”. Partly sunny.
Weather here is a crapshoot in New England.
It’s kind of like Mother Nature is bipolar.
You never know what you’re going to get.
I wish that bitch would JUST STAY ON HER MEDS.
I’ve done a bit of travel across the country in my time, and have found some things to be weird:
San Diego Weather:
Visting San Diego, you get THREE separate weather reports:
1. The actual San Diego weather (which is one of two things):
a) Sunny, 70 degrees.
b) On fire.
2. The Mountain forecast (about a half-hour east of San Diego):
a) Add 20 degrees to the San Diego temperature
3. The desert forecast (about an hour or two east of San Diego)
a) Add 400 degrees to the San Diego temperature
Really – you’ll see three separate temperatures in one day’s weather report (70, 90, and 195 degrees).
I have no idea how you pack if you’re traveling from San Diego, through the mountains, to the desert in one day:
“Let’s see…I’ll pack my jeans and t-shirt…my shorts and tank-top...and my camel and burka.”
...the other thing...
I once landed in Arizona on a business trip at 9:30 p.m.
It was 103 degrees.
At 9 p.m.
Upon deplaning, I immediately disappeared into a little poof of vapor, and ended up a mere little pile of salt.
WTF – over a hundred degrees AT NIGHT?!?
WHO LIKES THIS SH*T?!?!
(I know someone is going to comment on how it's "a dry heat" - at which point we should all just pile into my minivan, drive to the person's house, and beat the piss out of that jackass)
Anyway, after sidestepping ginormous mutant lizards, plate-sized spiders and trailer trash to get to my hotel, I turned on the news.
Here was the forecast:
Monday: 108 degrees
Tuesday: 109 degrees
Wednesday: 110 degrees
Thursday: 108 degrees
Now..what was funny about this, was that in the midst of the 108/109 degree forecast, was this 110 degree day.
…on the graphic, pasted across the 110 degree Wednesday, was pasted this graphic:
No shit it’s hot, asshole.
It’s going to be ONE HUNDRED AND F*CKING TEN DEGREES.
Listen...I KNOW 110-degrees is hot…
...I didn't really need the extra graphic there...
..but what the f*ck is 109?!?
Why waste the “HOT” graphic for 110 and NOT 109?!
..was it for shits and giggles? ..something to “mix it up?”…
If it wasn’t actually so f*cking hot outside, I would have driven my rental to the television studio and punched the guy in the throat for stating the obvious.
Give me the snow.
..it takes me more time to find my genitalia on cold days, but CHRIST - at least I can put a sweater on.
…but I digress…
Let’s get back to my wiggly:
Now, based on the snowfall prediction vs. what ACTUALLY fell, I am revising my estimates of penile length and girth:
Based on the Pythagorean theorem and some small quantum physics, we find that:
4 inches (weatherman’s prediction) is to 12 inches (actual snowfall) as 4 inches (length of my d*ck) is to X (variable).
4 is to 12, as 4 is to 'X'
4:12 as 4:X
F*ck...I hate math.
By using my Windows calculator in “scientific” mode and converting some binary to hexadecimal and then back to decimal numbers, we find that, according to my weatherman:
The answer is 12.
My penis, then, is 1 foot long.
…something I can thank my weatherman for.
I’m also fifteen feet tall according to this analogy, but I’m twisting the data for the sole purpose of enhancing my manhood.
It's my post. I can do what I want.
Anyway - thank you Channel 5!!
...for my newfound 12 inches.