Sticks and Stones may Break my Bones, but Man-Boobs can Never Hurt Me. | Mental Poo

Friday, December 14, 2007

Sticks and Stones may Break my Bones, but Man-Boobs can Never Hurt Me.


They called him….Smudge.

…I’m guessing they still do…

A refresher:

Tequila reminded me the other day in my “Nicknames” post of a name they used to call a kid in her school.

Here’s what she wrote in her comment:

..There was this kid in high school who's name was Cole, and I started calling him "cole-lostamy bag"... it stuck…

Then…about teasing fat kids:

“…Hey, I know you were fat, but "Round-ney" isn’t nearly as bad as what we called "barge". I actually forget what his real name was. Oh well. I was kind of a bitch in high school.”

Apparently so.

Barge is probably still looking for revenge.


Barge.

AWESOME.

By the way, I can be okay with the fat kid teasing thing, as I was one myself.

Anyway, she took my article, and expanded it PAST the actual naming nicknames….


...into the realm of making fun of people.

This, in fact, turns out it’s its very own nickname article.

Names that stick to people.

Names that those people don’t, necessarily, WANT stuck to them.

With the preface complete, here we go…

Story #1: An Ode to Smudge

The one thing that I was immediately reminded of when she mentioned Cole-lostamy, was a kid from my High School days.

When I was in High School, one of my classes was Architectural Drafting….

This is where a group of 20 boys basically sat around drawing buildings, without any experience or knowledge of whether or not said building would actually be able to support it’s own weight.

...so..it was kind of like Art Class...but with buildings instead of fruit.


…the highlight of this class was my teacher who was a diabetic and would pretty much forget about his blood sugar level EVERY SINGLE DAY….

This resulted in him staring off into space for an hour at a time…while we threw sh*t around the room.

…except for the one un-funny time when he had a diabetic seizure RIGHT NEXT TO MY DESK…fell down…and completely destroyed my Senior Project in one single, spastic, swoop.


I got an “A” simply out of guilt.

Sweet.

…but I digress…

Anyway, when I went to High School, computers still had two screen colors (“green” and “off”) and were roughly the size of small trucks.

As such, we drew EVERYTHING with pencil and paper.

No computers.

Pencil and Paper.

Regardless…one of the kids in my class – his name was “Chris” – was not good at drawing…

...he could not draw even a LITTLE

…well…let me rephrase this...

…he was not good at keeping what he WAS drawing ON THE PAPER.

You see…Chris weighed about 250 pounds.

As such, he spent the majority of his time with his ginormous body slumped over his drafting table trying to reach the far corners of his drawings with his chubby little arms.


The act of continuously flailing across a giant piece of drawing paper had this effect:

Everything he drew turned into one…giant…smudge.

Look at the back of your hand after flattening out a newspaper. This is what Chris’ drawings looked like.


One day, one of the kids in my class looked at his paper…completely illegible…and said:

“Hey, Smudge….nice drawing.”

Holy sh*t.

Smudge.

F*cking BRILLIANT.

On that day, "Smudge" was born.

Eventually, I think he grew to love it.

…because this is the nickname he put in the yearbook Senior year under his picture.

I'm including his picture here as proof.


Smudge.

Story #2: Pepe

When I went to college, I had a number of friends.

The majority of these kids had standard nicknames that had nothing to do with their real names: Spike, Tito, etc.

But, I had one friend, that everyone who knew him called "Pepe" (pronounced “Peh-pay” - like what you'd name a chihuahua).

Pepe had a moustache (rare college occurrence) and a mullet (a not-so-rare occurrence in the 80’s)…

...and KINDA looked Mexican.


I assumed when people called him Pepe, they were intimating that he resembled a Mexican immigrant.

He was not.

His real name was Shawn.

But they called him Pepe anyway.

One day, at the gym, I decided to ask Tito – Pepe’s best friend – why they called Shawn “Pepe.”

Me: "Tito - what's up with calling him 'Pepe?'"

He looked at me.

In a matter-of-fact “I thought you knew this” voice, explained:

Because he has Pepere tits.”


Oh.

It WASN'T "Pepe."

It was "Pepere".

Pepere - for those who don't speak French...means "Grandfather."


Pepere.

He's called "Pepere"...

...because he has “Pepere tits”.

And…sure enough…as I glanced over at Shawn working out…there they were…

...his flappy…

…elongated…

…grandpa boobs…

…just like a pepere.


Pepere tits.

The kid has pepere tits.


How f*cking MEAN is that?!

..and yet, how BRILLIANT.

A nickname that would even make Smudge proud.

20 comments:

Grilled Pizza said...

My father in law's name is Ken Carney, they nicknamed him Chilli as in "Chilli Ken Carney"

Ha ha!

Malach the Merciless said...

Children can be so cruel, we had an albino is class we used to call glowworm

Hungry Mother said...

I had a friend in my neighborhood that all of us called, "Fat Ed." He didn't seem to mind, but probably did. We even used to ask for him as Fat Ed when we called him on the telephone and talked to his parents.

Fat Ed lost weight when he was in his mid-20s and was a normal-sized man. I still think of him as Fat Ed.

Adults are as cruel as kids, maybe worse.

Buzzardbilly said...

I used to know a guy everyone called Dew. At least I thought it was Dew. Turned out it was Do because he "didn't do shit." He was so lazy he used to get in the car to drive 20 yards to the store in front of his house.

We also had a bus driver in high school that everyone called Cowpoke. Even the teachers called him Cowpoke. He even answered to Cowpoke. He got the nickname because a bunch of boys were drinking in the holler near his house one night and saw him come out with a little crate, stand on the crate behind his cow, and, well, you get the picture ;)

And there was a really short brainy unfortunate looking girl whose ears stuck out. Everyone called her Yoda. She didn't seem to mind though because her previous nickname (from 3rd to 10th grades) was Boogereater.

Biscuit said...

This is exactly why people should just own their weakness and bestow a nickname upon the themselves before anyone else has a chance to.

That's my strategy, anyway.

Michelle Hix said...

What is your wife like? Does she just look at you and shake her head (like I do to my husband) and roll her eyes or does she laugh her ass off? You are so flippin hilarious but I'm not sure I'd want to take you out in public, in front of people I know! ha ha (I mean that in the nicest way possible!)

Prin said...

lol @ the entire post. :D

My grandfather used to call me Erika.

Um. Yeah.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

....and to think,here you are years later STILL making fun of them.

Even more proof men never grow up!!!! :oP

Colonel Colonel said...

I never had a nickname in school.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

rs27 said...

There was this kid in highschool that looked like Kubiac from Parker Lewis and for some reason he always brought lunch.

We called him Lunchbox.

It still makes no sense to me.

Slick said...

Damn Moooog, is it bad that I got aroused for just a sec there lookin' at the Pepere tits?

What I could do with a buddy like that.

Anyway, back to what i was gonna say....

Well....

I totally forgot.

Mike said...

In college, me and two other guys hung around constantly, like the 3 stooges. I was "Pike" as it rhymed with Mike. Mario was "Hario", well, cuz he made silver backs jealous. And Paul, he was 5 foot nuthin, so we called him "Small Paul".

Sorry, I got nuttin better.

cookiebitch said...

Most of my nicknames revolved around my hair styles ... Billy (for Billy Idol when I cut my blonde hair too short and used wayyyyy too much gel); Cookie (when a home perm went terribly wrong and made me look like Cookie the Clown - not the bitch I resemble now) and my favorite ... Hiroshima (when the Billy and the Cookie combined to make what resembled like a curly mushroom cloud that could wipe out civilization as we know it.)
Granted, my tits are fabulous, so they had nothing else :)

meleah rebeccah said...

I have had a ton of nicknames...nothing quite as creative as these.

moooooog35 said...

Just remembered another one:

In high school was a uber-nerd girl named Allison. She had few, if any friends.

However, she had EE sized boobs. They were ginormous.

Everyone called her "Droopy."

When she ran for class president, the auditorium was filled with chants of "Droopy!...Droopy!..Droopy!"

How that chick didn't go all "Carrie" on our asses is beyond me.

HeyJoe said...

F*ucking brilliant. Good stuff. Laughed my ass off at previous commenters "glow-worm".

Alas, I had no nicknames. I think NOT getting a nickname is often worse than a cruel one. Indifference is worse than hate. :(

HeyJoe said...

Wait, I did have one; Fucking Loser.

Chelle B. said...

My brother nicknamed his best friend "Redpeck" in 8th grade.

(no his best friend wasn't a body part and yes he has red hair in case you are wondering)

They are in their 40's now and he is still Redpeck or Red, and a lot of times he is Peckerhead.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Mine was my first name followed by Maybe.

Some boys gave it to me and it stuck. I never liked dating guys in high school so it was my standard response if they asked me out. And if I said yes, second base was pretty much guaranteed after a quick, "maybe".

In retrospect I was a little on the slutty side.

Anonymous said...

I'm not so sure about the "Man-Boobs can Never Hurt Me" part...hahaha
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