Captain Quirk | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Captain Quirk


So, HeyJoe tagged me for the following topic:

6 Quirky Things

I'm supposed to tell you 6 Quirky Things about me...above and beyond the 7 useless things that I've told you previously.

The rules are at the end of this post.

Here goes...

Quirk #1: I can't fix or build sh*t to save my life.


You know those commercials around Father's Day and Christmas...

...that show kids and wives looking for what kind of "special tool" to buy for dad?

Power drill?

Chainsaw?

Table saw?

Yeah...

...well...

NOT my kids.

NOT my wife.

You see...

I own a screwdriver and a hammer.

...and I'm damned lucky I haven't killed myself with those.


Equip me with anything else, and you're talking either a permanent, deforming injury (to myself or others)...

...or something will be catching on fire shortly.

I installed a lighting kit in my daughter's ceiling fan a few weeks ago (requiring the deft maneuvering of said screwdriver)...

...and I'm still waiting for the smoldering inferno to happen.

The last time I did this to the ceiling fan in my son's room, the fan wiring melted and almost burned the entire f*cking house down.


That's right, men...

...I'm "tool-tarded."

If you see me coming at your house with tools....

RUN.

Run for your lives.

Something bad is about to happen.


Quirk #2: I'd rather pay someone than do it myself.

This quirk can also be titled:

"Damn...I'm F*CKING LAZY."



I've paid people to do the following:

1) Rake leaves

This has less to do with laziness...

...and more with the fact that disgusting, slimy things live in wet leaves.

Things like...

...caterpillars...

...worms...

...Kevin Federline...

Just slimy sh*t. I don't like it.

Let someone else touch it.


2) Paint

(inside or outside...doesn't matter...if it involves holding a paintbrush, I don't want to f*cking do it)

3) Change my tire while my car was sitting IN my driveway

(as a courtesy to the AAA service technician, I actually left the house and greeted him in the yard)

4) Service my wife

Just kidding on #4 there...

...although, she's probably reading this and hoping I'd actually consider it...

...she's get more "bang for the buck"...

...LITERALLY.


Because I suck.

I've considered the fact that "I Suck" may also be considered a quirk...

...but I think it's more of a major character flaw...so I won't put it here.

Quirk #3: My mother still cuts my hair


I'll be 40 next August.

My mother, who I believe is actually OLDER than me, still cuts my hair.

The last time she was too busy to do this, I had a "SuperCuts" place cut my hair.

As such, I ended up looking like a patient who just underwent brain surgery...

...then the doctors found something wrong and had to redo it...

...but the hair clipper was now broken so they had to use a broken beer bottle to shave my head instead.


I'm assuming that when my mom eventually dies or loses her hands in some weird, freakish ballooning incident, I'll need to find someone else to do this..

But I damned sure ain't going to SuperCuts.


Quirk #4: I have to wear socks in the house

If I'm in the house, I cannot be barefoot OR wearing shoes.

I HAVE to be wearing socks.


I'm not sure if this is because I THOROUGHLY ENJOY running around the house sliding across the hardwood floors (my record right now from the living room through the kitchen is a six-foot slide)...

...or if I just have this weird sock fetish...

(the sock fetish may explain why I have faces drawn on my socks...

...and why I use them to help me whack my pee-pee)


Me (looking at sock on my right hand): "Oh...Mrs. Hanes...I have something for you.."

(zzziiiiiipppp)

Right hand: "Mfffmmffff"

Left hand: "Hey now...Give some of that to me!"

Me: "Sure thing, Madame Fruit de la Loom"

(Oh YEAH...she's French)


Quirk #5: I want to kill people when I see them eating with wooden spoons.

If you've ever ordered an Italian Ice from the Ice Cream Man, you know these spoons I'm talking about.


A person's mouth does not belong around wood...


...except...well...you know.

(OK, great...now I'm thinking about that)

If I see anyone using one of those wooden spoons, I have to run away.

The very thought of it gives me the willies.

Willies.

Wood.

Really...it all comes back to the wiggly, doesn't it?


Quirk #6: Everything in my head has a sexual connotation to it.

See Quirks #2, #4 and #5 for examples.


I have some idea how this came about...

...but, nevertheless...it happens all the time.

If you watch the show "Scrubs," you'll understand when I say that I think "The Todd" lives in my head.


..this pretty much renders any conversation with me a frustrating experience...

...as just about every single thing you say will get bent around in my head (heh..I said "bent" "head") and ends up sounding like something totally different to me.

I'm not sure if it's a talent or a curse.

My wife would say curse...

...as most times like holding a conversation with a 15 year-old pubescent boy (just now realizing that the word "pube" is in pubescent)

Anyway...

...I think "Ms. Hanes" and "Madame Fruit de la Loom" may have a different view, though.

Those dirty, dirty little socks.

You know...this sock thing may also explain the rug burn on my junk.

Go figure.

***********************
Rules of the game:

1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

I don't tag.

I don't play tag.

If you want to do this, do it.

It's called "self-tagging."

I self-tag it all the time...

...sometimes, twice a day...

...and sometimes I let the socks do it.

Trust me...you won't go blind.

If you did go blind from it, then all of my posts would all look like this:

llksudf;l;'; " !! lkjdf$

Enjoy.

22 comments:

Grilled Pizza said...

I have to wear socks and not shoes in the house too and yes we have wooden floors too, if i slid 6 foot though id probably hit a wall, not the biggest house!

And yeah, i think Todd is in your head too lol

nameless to protect the innocent said...

I dunno how you are consistently funny, day after day, but I heart it!

(if this is a duplicate comment, I apologize....my computer is freakin' out!)

Casdok said...

Your pictures say it all and so well!!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Have you ever tried sliding naked on a wood floor?

Don't do it!

The burns you get are a bitch and you'll be pulling splinters out for a damn month!

HeyJoe said...

One of my quirks was a toss up between the napkin and the wooden spoon. I don't feel so alone anymore.

Mike said...

If it wasn't for quirk #6, after reading quirk #1 I would have figured you for a woman!

moooooog35 said...

Mike: How does a wooden spoon peg me for a woman? I can see the previous 4 (except for the sock puppet masturbation scenario)...but spoons?!

Be right back...my casserole is burning!

rs27 said...

I don't get the wooden spoom deal. Who wasnt splinters on their tongue?

Thats what she said.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I have carpet. The girl and I "ice skate" with sheets of waxed paper on carpet. But not on the second floor - the windows are low and I don't want her to fly out of one.

Mmmm on the wooden spoon. When I was a kid I'd chew on them. I have an oral fixation.

billymac said...

jesus, this is freaking scary, with the exception of the wooden spoon thing and your mommy cutting your hair, I'm solid with you on the other ones. I'm going to pretend i didn't read this today.

Chuck said...

Uh, interesting quirks you have there my friend. I'm much the same way with the tools thing. Ain't got much skill in that department, although I sure know how to use a certain tool...if you know what I mean...heh, heh.

When I was in college a few of my frat brothers and I busted in on a fellow member and caught him masturbating with a white tube sock. It caused great hilarity that lasted for years.

Buzzardbilly said...

I'm dying here. I think this may be the funniest post you've written. Then again I am on dental drugs.

I don't know what's funnier. Laziness pays off now or Leatherface at Supercuts.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

tooltarded? hmm. does that mean you have velcro on all your tools or that you just wear a special helmet?

Hungry Mother said...

Having to wear socks is really fucking weird. You wouldn't last a day down here. Bare feet rule!

Titania Starlight said...

Man you are f**king killing me. I had to stop too many times because I was crying. I had to take my blurry contacts out. You made me lose it. That is why you got an award from me. You have to be "spethal" to get an award from me over at my goodie two shoes blog. If you want it you know where to get it.

Oh my god, you are the best.

Malach the Merciless said...

You are a sick man, ever contact the MADMH office near you?

Prin said...

O...m...g. I actually agree with your #5. I need help. I've got something in common with the mooooog. *faints*

Nosjunkie said...

Iloved it all but I got stuck at tool-tarded I am calling the dictionary people I love love love it

Malicious Intent said...

I want your sock puppets. They are hot! I want them, now!
Did you pick up your award from me?
I you don't you will damage me for life with he rejection.

moooooog35 said...

Malach: What the Hell is MADMH?

Mothers Against Drunk Men who are Hot?

Mothers Against Dried Mooge Hair?

..then I Googled it...

Massachusetts Department of Mental Health.

No. Never contacted them.

They turn me away as soon as I say "tool-tarded."

Linda and her Surroundings said...

I am a closet Quirk #6. Everything to me is about sex. I just never let on. It just simmers away beneath the surface..

Nellioness said...

LOL - that's my only expression about this post =D

You often say funny things in a serious way, and that's even funnier.

Amazing.

And, yes, dog food is not on Nellioness' list, lol...

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