So, HeyJoe tagged me for the following topic:
6 Quirky Things
I'm supposed to tell you 6 Quirky Things about me...above and beyond the 7 useless things that I've told you previously.
The rules are at the end of this post.
Quirk #1: I can't fix or build sh*t to save my life.
You know those commercials around Father's Day and Christmas...
...that show kids and wives looking for what kind of "special tool" to buy for dad?
NOT my kids.
NOT my wife.
I own a screwdriver and a hammer.
...and I'm damned lucky I haven't killed myself with those.
Equip me with anything else, and you're talking either a permanent, deforming injury (to myself or others)...
...or something will be catching on fire shortly.
I installed a lighting kit in my daughter's ceiling fan a few weeks ago (requiring the deft maneuvering of said screwdriver)...
...and I'm still waiting for the smoldering inferno to happen.
The last time I did this to the ceiling fan in my son's room, the fan wiring melted and almost burned the entire f*cking house down.
That's right, men...
If you see me coming at your house with tools....
Run for your lives.
Something bad is about to happen.
Quirk #2: I'd rather pay someone than do it myself.
This quirk can also be titled:
"Damn...I'm F*CKING LAZY."
I've paid people to do the following:
1) Rake leaves
This has less to do with laziness...
...and more with the fact that disgusting, slimy things live in wet leaves.
Just slimy sh*t. I don't like it.
Let someone else touch it.
(inside or outside...doesn't matter...if it involves holding a paintbrush, I don't want to f*cking do it)
3) Change my tire while my car was sitting IN my driveway
(as a courtesy to the AAA service technician, I actually left the house and greeted him in the yard)
4) Service my wife
Just kidding on #4 there...
...although, she's probably reading this and hoping I'd actually consider it...
...she's get more "bang for the buck"...
Because I suck.
I've considered the fact that "I Suck" may also be considered a quirk...
...but I think it's more of a major character flaw...so I won't put it here.
Quirk #3: My mother still cuts my hair
I'll be 40 next August.
My mother, who I believe is actually OLDER than me, still cuts my hair.
The last time she was too busy to do this, I had a "SuperCuts" place cut my hair.
As such, I ended up looking like a patient who just underwent brain surgery...
...then the doctors found something wrong and had to redo it...
...but the hair clipper was now broken so they had to use a broken beer bottle to shave my head instead.
I'm assuming that when my mom eventually dies or loses her hands in some weird, freakish ballooning incident, I'll need to find someone else to do this..
But I damned sure ain't going to SuperCuts.
Quirk #4: I have to wear socks in the house
If I'm in the house, I cannot be barefoot OR wearing shoes.
I HAVE to be wearing socks.
I'm not sure if this is because I THOROUGHLY ENJOY running around the house sliding across the hardwood floors (my record right now from the living room through the kitchen is a six-foot slide)...
...or if I just have this weird sock fetish...
(the sock fetish may explain why I have faces drawn on my socks...
...and why I use them to help me whack my pee-pee)
Me (looking at sock on my right hand): "Oh...Mrs. Hanes...I have something for you.."
Right hand: "Mfffmmffff"
Left hand: "Hey now...Give some of that to me!"
Me: "Sure thing, Madame Fruit de la Loom"
(Oh YEAH...she's French)
Quirk #5: I want to kill people when I see them eating with wooden spoons.
If you've ever ordered an Italian Ice from the Ice Cream Man, you know these spoons I'm talking about.
A person's mouth does not belong around wood...
(OK, great...now I'm thinking about that)
If I see anyone using one of those wooden spoons, I have to run away.
The very thought of it gives me the willies.
Really...it all comes back to the wiggly, doesn't it?
Quirk #6: Everything in my head has a sexual connotation to it.
See Quirks #2, #4 and #5 for examples.
I have some idea how this came about...
...but, nevertheless...it happens all the time.
If you watch the show "Scrubs," you'll understand when I say that I think "The Todd" lives in my head.
..this pretty much renders any conversation with me a frustrating experience...
...as just about every single thing you say will get bent around in my head (heh..I said "bent" "head") and ends up sounding like something totally different to me.
I'm not sure if it's a talent or a curse.
My wife would say curse...
...as most times like holding a conversation with a 15 year-old pubescent boy (just now realizing that the word "pube" is in pubescent)
...I think "Ms. Hanes" and "Madame Fruit de la Loom" may have a different view, though.
Those dirty, dirty little socks.
You know...this sock thing may also explain the rug burn on my junk.
Rules of the game:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
I don't tag.
I don't play tag.
If you want to do this, do it.
It's called "self-tagging."
I self-tag it all the time...
...sometimes, twice a day...
...and sometimes I let the socks do it.
Trust me...you won't go blind.
If you did go blind from it, then all of my posts would all look like this:
llksudf;l;'; " !! lkjdf$