Today, I have decided to give out THREE tips on writing a good blog.
Getting 'good blogging advice' from me is like asking Bill Clinton how to avoid fucking your interns.
Don't hold out much hope.
Midget Man of Steel's Tips on Creating a GREAT Blog:
Blogging Tip #1: NO ONE wants to hear how fucking depressed you are.
Yeah...I said it.
I know a lot of people write this crap so they can "Get their feelings out" and off their chest.
Listen, if I wanted to share in your depression, I'd charge you for it.
Really...God invented sugar, caffeine, Scarlett Johanssen and porn for a reason...
...so lighten the fuck up.
It's not all that bad.
...if the reason that you're writing about how you feel like a giant piece of shit is an attempt to make ME feel better, then...well...congratulations.
(as I browse to the feel-good blog of the year titled: "The Eternal Pain of Knowing My Soulless Existence"):
Me: "Wow...that person is one drugs...suicidal...with no where else to turn EXCEPT TO THE GODDAMN INTERNET for help...so...so SAD..."
I reflect silently...
...exploring my very own soul internally...
...then...upon contemplating the severity of the issue at hand:
Me: "Wow. Suddenly, I don't feel so bad about my shitty gas mileage. Looks like it's gonna be a GREAT DAY!"
(later that day, I buy a scratch ticket and win two-hundred thousand dollars)
Blogging Tip #2: Don't even THINK about a Self-Help or Inspirational blog
I appreciate the fact that there are nice people out there simply trying to help screwed up people (see tip #1).
I applaud their gusto, really.
Go ahead, future blogger...go forth and help the troubled masses…
...because if you can solve someone’s problem with a fucking blog article in lieu of them gulping down handfuls of Prozac...
...then my health insurance rates go down.
Thanks so much.
...because every time I see someone trying to publicize their “Inspirational” site, I know that I’m going to see the following:
1) Empowering messages
2) Empowering stories
3) Rules of empowerment
4) Some other empowering shit that helps them empower themselves to become fucking empowering empowered
I’m wondering how many ways there are to tell someone that “they can do it if they try.”
One? Two maybe, tops?
Here...just for shits, I've come up with three of these myself:
1) You can do it if you try
2) If you try, you can do it
3) If your still stuck after trying your hardest, then pay someone to do it for you, you goddamn loser.
And I didn't waste a whole fucking blog to do it.
Do we need to dedicate seven hundred sites to the same advice?
Self-Help Advice Topic: Take time for yourself.
My problem is that I take too much time for myself.
I’m so in tune with myself, it’s not even funny.
...the only other thing in the house that's more in tune with me is the bar of Dial soap in the shower.
Self-Help Advice Topic: Be positive.
No shit, be positive.
If you’re not positive, then you’re negative.
And if you’re negative, and you’re around me, well…then…we’re probably going to get along really, really well.
If we get along well, this means that you have some serious issues making friends who could give a rat’s ass about you.
Mostly, we’ll hang around the kitchen at work making fun of people.
So unless you like to crap all over people,stay positive, and avoid me like the plague.
I know that, right now, someone who has one of these sites is reading this and saying:
“…What a fucking toolbag. Here is a guy who writes a blog with the word “poo” in it’s title and he’s giving ME shit?”
I understand the criticism.
We all write our blogs for different reasons.
I write mine because I have stuff to get off my chest and, I think, most of it happens to be funny at the expense of my testicles.
Regardless, go to a site.
If you’re inspired to do something great because some lonely guy in the third-world country of Assbackastan has some advice for you on his blog, then more power to you.
I’ll be in the kitchen making fun of you behind your back.
Blogging Tip #3: Write what you know
When my friends read my posts, they sometimes ask if what I've written really happened.
Yes...everything you see here is the result of something that ACTUALLY happened to me...
The Telemarketing and Presidential Primary calls?
The stories I tell to my kids?
Motorcycle hornet-in-ear experiences? All those poo stories?
True, true, and - unfortunately - true.
Really, I couldn't make this crap up.
I've been through a lot.
I should seriously seek some mental help.
Can anyone recommend a good blog for that?