Now I'm Gonna Piss You Off with some Helpful Tips | Mental Poo

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Now I'm Gonna Piss You Off with some Helpful Tips


Today, I have decided to give out THREE tips on writing a good blog.
Getting 'good blogging advice' from me is like asking Bill Clinton how to avoid fucking your interns.

Don't hold out much hope.

Regardless...

Midget Man of Steel's Tips on Creating a GREAT Blog:


Blogging Tip #1: NO ONE wants to hear how fucking depressed you are.

Yeah...I said it.

I know a lot of people write this crap so they can "Get their feelings out" and off their chest.

Listen, if I wanted to share in your depression, I'd charge you for it.

Really...God invented sugar, caffeine, Scarlett Johanssen and porn for a reason...

...so lighten the fuck up.

It's not all that bad.


However...

...if the reason that you're writing about how you feel like a giant piece of shit is an attempt to make ME feel better, then...well...congratulations.

(as I browse to the feel-good blog of the year titled: "The Eternal Pain of Knowing My Soulless Existence"):


Me: "Wow...that person is one drugs...suicidal...with no where else to turn EXCEPT TO THE GODDAMN INTERNET for help...so...so SAD..."

I reflect silently...

...exploring my very own soul internally...

...then...upon contemplating the severity of the issue at hand:

Me: "Wow. Suddenly, I don't feel so bad about my shitty gas mileage. Looks like it's gonna be a GREAT DAY!"

(later that day, I buy a scratch ticket and win two-hundred thousand dollars)



Blogging Tip #2: Don't even THINK about a Self-Help or Inspirational blog


I appreciate the fact that there are nice people out there simply trying to help screwed up people (see tip #1).

I applaud their gusto, really.

Go ahead, future blogger...go forth and help the troubled masses

...because if you can solve someone’s problem with a fucking blog article in lieu of them gulping down handfuls of Prozac...

...then my health insurance rates go down.

Awesome.

Thanks so much.


But...I’m confused...

...because every time I see someone trying to publicize their “Inspirational” site, I know that I’m going to see the following:

1) Empowering messages

2) Empowering stories

3) Rules of empowerment

4) Some other empowering shit that helps them empower themselves to become fucking empowering empowered

Joy.

I’m wondering how many ways there are to tell someone that “they can do it if they try.”

One? Two maybe, tops?

Here...just for shits, I've come up with three of these myself:

1) You can do it if you try

2) If you try, you can do it

3) If your still stuck after trying your hardest, then pay someone to do it for you, you goddamn loser.

See?

Done.

Feel better?

And I didn't waste a whole fucking blog to do it.


But really...

Do we need to dedicate seven hundred sites to the same advice?

Stuff like:

Self-Help Advice Topic: Take time for yourself.

Gotcha.

My problem is that I take too much time for myself.

I’m so in tune with myself, it’s not even funny.

Seriously...

...the only other thing in the house that's more in tune with me is the bar of Dial soap in the shower.


Self-Help Advice Topic: Be positive.

No shit, be positive.

If you’re not positive, then you’re negative.

And if you’re negative, and you’re around me, well…then…we’re probably going to get along really, really well.

If we get along well, this means that you have some serious issues making friends who could give a rat’s ass about you.

Mostly, we’ll hang around the kitchen at work making fun of people.

So unless you like to crap all over people,stay positive, and avoid me like the plague.


I know that, right now, someone who has one of these sites is reading this and saying:

“…What a fucking toolbag. Here is a guy who writes a blog with the word “poo” in it’s title and he’s giving ME shit?”


I understand the criticism.

We all write our blogs for different reasons.

I write mine because I have stuff to get off my chest and, I think, most of it happens to be funny at the expense of my testicles.

Regardless, go to a site.

If you’re inspired to do something great because some lonely guy in the third-world country of Assbackastan has some advice for you on his blog, then more power to you.

I’ll be in the kitchen making fun of you behind your back.


Blogging Tip #3: Write what you know

When my friends read my posts, they sometimes ask if what I've written really happened.

Yes...everything you see here is the result of something that ACTUALLY happened to me...

The Telemarketing and Presidential Primary calls?

True.

The stories I tell to my kids?


True.

Motorcycle hornet-in-ear experiences? All those poo stories?

BARRY?!?!?

True, true, and - unfortunately - true.

Really, I couldn't make this crap up.

I've been through a lot.

I should seriously seek some mental help.

Can anyone recommend a good blog for that?

Moog out.

33 comments:

Nosjunkie said...

I love the no bullshit approuch to life can I come to your kitchen

Malicious Intent said...

Someone didn't drink their prune juice this morning! lol
Love ya, but I do enjoy mixing my place up with inspiration (an its for me, so if you dont fucking like it, bite me, please..a little more to the left though.)
But I like humor and you are right, real life provides the best material..who could make this shit up? Soap operas and reality tv shows have nothing on us!

moooooog35 said...

Nos: Yes. You can come into my kitchen. While you're in there, do the dishes that are in the sink.

MI: I TOLD you that I'd piss someone off...congrats on being the first!

billymac said...

i totally cried while reading this post... it wasn't the content, i had accidentally dropped a ball-peen hammer on my crotch. then i cried because i don't know how to be inspirational.

Elise said...

I love it! The tips are fantastic and are so true.

I feel sorry for those that are in the first category... They usually make friends with the ones in the second.

The ones in the second piss me off! They can't be normal.Imagine what their parents were like!

The third point is my favourite. If you're going to make things up, you may aswell write a novel. I like reading things that are real.

KEEP IT REAL MOOOOG LOVE YA xx

mauniejames said...

Nope you can't make this stuff up..I just did a post on blue ribbon bloggers about how Moms try to pimp you out...it's true...sob, sob, we have been through so much...I was in a crumby mood before now I'm totally PO'ed thanks small guy with a tiny yoo hoo...........

maun

Malicious Intent said...

Who said I was pissed off? I was being completely sincere when I asked you to bite me. All I wanted was a little love!

Little man, you have to go a lot further than that to "piss me off."

I hope you have a gloriously positive day and remember to take time for yourself and believe that you have the power to make a difference!

I await your rath.

Noo said...

You forgot the most important tip of all:

Nobody ever gave any advice to anyone else that worked for them.

It's always a matter of do as I say, not as I do. No one follows their own advice.

(I stole some of your material and linked to you on my blog freemoneyblogging.blogspot.com I don't think I got the technical part right, but you get the credit.)

Gledwood said...

I like the self help "references" ... I havta admit I went through a selfhelpbook stage... it didn't work... I ran screaming straight to the solice of heroin after that.. hmmmm...

Mimzie said...

Awesome blog post today!

Casdok said...

Must be a full moon!!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

for a second i thought you had made that peanuts character african american. but no, just your hand. your hand really gets around... in the shower, with soap, as an icon, etc...

Preposterous Ponderings said...

So writing about masterbation,dead sperm,and shaved nuts makes you an excellent blogger?

Ok,I suppose it does.I enjoy coming here everyday and reading your shit.You are one funny man!

Now I am all upset that my blog isn't as good as yours.Looks like I'll have to post on how depressed I am now.

HeyJoe said...

When I'm feeling blue, instead of posting about it I'll come to Mooog for a virtual *hug*. Me'ins feely all better now.

Biscuit said...

Will my health insurance cover Scarlett? She probably tastes better and has more pleasant side effects than lithium.

wolf said...

My company offered a ticket to Assbackastan at the Christmas party. Oddly, nobody wanted it.

Classic name. I'm going to be using that for days.

Anonymous said...

I have a tip. Never cook bacon nekid

bRaT said...

another tip : Don't make your blog about how to make a blog, how to make it popular, or how to make money off of it.

heh... nice tips... all quite true... i click about two topics in the share your blog section....

you deserve the awards... some of the funniest stuff i've come across :)

LOBO said...

Fantastic Freakin POST!!!!!!!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, [GASP], THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

Jolean said...

i still can't seem to blog as well as you do, iand i do blog or "vlog" what i know!, i guess there can only be one great blogger about poo, and that would be you!

random moments said...

To each their own! Cheers!

Great post as always Poo.

upset waitress said...

Blog tip #4.......Don't make every post start with "Sorry I haven't updated by blog in a while".

That pisses me off. Am I supposed to feel sorry for you because you can't come up with creative entries? Or is it because you're too busy to cater my mind? Assholes.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Shoot- now my blog is ruined! next time give the advice before I write about aimless topics.

Malach the Merciless said...

By making this blog about tips on how to make a good blog, aren't you just breaking Tip #2?

Titania Starlight said...

Dude you are seriously messed up. I think it is my alter ego that keeps coming back here. That makes me f***ed up too! And this is one of your "inspirational" blogging buddies. :o)~

Keep up the good work and keep doing whatever makes you happy.

See I am a good sport.

Hungry Mother said...

That sucking sound is 90% of the blogs in the blogsphere being sucked into the bit bucket. Luckily none of them are on my list.

cookiebitch said...

I'm positive that if I go to a self-help blog I'll hurl. I'd much rather tease the losers instead. There's just so many of them. And it is so rewarding to see them cry.

AngryMan said...

My advice is to seek out Dr. Murk. He's full of helpful hints. Wait, I mean, "He's full of hints".

Mee mOe said...

your so humorous, it makes my day reading your blog,,,thanks !!!

Buzzardbilly said...

Excellent tips, but with one caveat: I am so sporting boobs...not manboobs either....real live National Geographic getting-older-by-the-day and soon-to-double-as-knee-warmers boobs.

But, I knew when I picked the (hill)billy part of my name it looked pretty masculine.

So, you aren't going to bestow homo jungle cats on any from your blogroll?

Prin said...

I'll pretend I don't fit any of the nastiness to be avoided through your tips.

But I know that's not true.

I'm depressed and I know it very well. I should go take more time for myself and blog to inspire others.

;)

Baba Doodlius said...

No inspirational blogs, eh?

Guess you can kiss any and all future blog awards from Mel goodbye then, eh?

art said...

well, u blog so funny! accept that.. :)congrates!!!

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