Pinky and the Brian | Mental Poo

Friday, January 25, 2008

Pinky and the Brian

WARNING: The following post is offensive, insensitive and mean.

I was a teen. I smoked pot.

I also liked Iron Maiden AND Prince...this is how f*cked up I was.

What can I say.

You've been warned.

Here goes:

I have no idea where it was.

I never asked her.

I'm still curious.

But, let's back up...

I’m not sure why I thought about this, but I did.

In High School, I used to sit at a table with a bunch of guys.

It was basically the “leather jacket” group.

However, at our table sat a kid who – unfortunately – was in a bike accident as a kid.

As a result of the accident, he ended up with a condition of his hands and legs that caused him to walk with a severe limp with limited use of his arms and hands.

His name was Brian.

He was a friend of mine.

As such, I can retell this without feeling TOO guilty about the horrible, horrible crap we did to him.

We did a LOT of crap to him.


Kids are such pricks.


At lunch, Brian usually used to sit across from me at the table.

He would always bring a juicebox with his lunch.

As he really didn’t have a lot of function with his arms, he would – after putting in his straw – simply bend himself over to drink.

There he was...

...bent over his juicebox…

...straw in his mouth…

...hands virtually immobile.

I’d wait for the juice to enter the straw…

...casually but quickly reach across the table…

…and (being the prick I was)...

...would SQUISH the juicebox.


This would immediately send half of his juicebox’s contents flooding into his mouth.

You could tell that you had total "juice liftoff", because his eyes would completely pop out of his head…


...streaming up the straw and into his mouth…

…and sometimes, if you did it just right…the juice would come spurting out of his nose, too.

This was followed by us laughing.

(I TOLD you I was a prick)

I'm SO going to Hell.

(I'll tell Rachael Ray you all say, "hi")


He fell for it every single time.


…I’d get the payback…

…a GIGANTIC kick to my shin from his steel-toed boot.


...Brian could give back in the form of physical punishment.


He was a good kid. He could dish and take it.


One of these days he kicked me so F*CKING hard that I actually had to leave the table…

I could usually take one…

...but this day he JUST KEPT F*CKING KICKING ME in the same goddamn spot.

I guess I deserved it.


I went and sat with one of my friends’ brother, Greg, who was a lower classman.

As I was sitting there, I noticed a girl staring at me.


I smiled.

She smiled back.

Me: “That chick is totally checking me out.”

Greg: “Dude. You don’t know? She wants to go out with you.”

Me: “Really?”

Greg: “Yeah, she’s told me before. Her name is Becky.”


That was it. I was IN.

I ended up talking to Becky on the way out.

We scheduled a date.

After that date, we scheduled more.

We went out for a couple of months.

Things were good.

I liked her.

She liked me.

I knew a lot about her.

A lot.

But not all of it.

I found out what I was missing this way:

For some reason, I ended up sitting at Greg’s table with some of his friends later in the year.

At this point, Becky and I had been dating for a few months.


…one of Greg’s friends asked me:

Friend: “So…what’s the deal with her finger?”

Me: “What?”

Friend: “Her finger. What’s the story with her finger?”

I’m confused.

Her finger.

Is she supposed to do some swirly thing to my ass with it?

Her finger.

Does it smell like poo?

I don’t understand the question.

Me: “Seriously. What the f*ck are you talking about? What finger?”

…then he drops it on me…

Friend: “Dude. She has no pinky.”



She has no pinky.

*blink blink*




They had no idea that I had no idea.

How could I have NO IDEA?

She was missing an entire finger….

…we had been going out for MONTHS….

…and I’d never noticed.

(This goes to show you how much I pay attention to parts of a girls’ body that don’t include a nipple or vagina)

Holy Sh*t.

Me: “No pinky? Really?”

I had no clue.


Now I HAD to look.

And, sure as sh*t, the next time we went out…

...I took my peek.

Glancing down at her hand non-chalantly…

There’s a pinky.

What are these guys talking about?


...she has TWO hands.

(again, without a nipple or vagina, these things go unnoticed)

I should probably check the other hand.

I look down again…

And there…where her pinky was supposed to be…




She was, in fact, pinky-free.

Sans pinky.

I was dating a goddamn circus freak.

Okay, okay…so she wasn’t a circus freak.

I doubt you’d be able to set up an attraction with “The Incredible Nine-Finger Harlot!” and expect any large ticket sales.

I don’t recall ever getting a handjob or anything from her… I’m assuming if I did that it was fine...

...and not nine-fingerific.

Me (getting nine-fingers): “This is all good and everything…but I feel like I’m missing something….”

…although…my lack of penile length usually requires a girl to stick her pinky out anyway (like she’s properly drinking a glass of wine)… maybe this was a bonus for her.


I never did get to find out why there was a missing digit.

Due to…ahem…extenuating circumstances…we broke up shortly after.

And, no….

It had nothing to do with the finger.

I’m not THAT insensitive.

Just ask Brian.

If you know him, give his juicebox a squeeze, and tell him I said, “hi.”

Just watch out for his steel-toe boots.

They pack a f*cking wallop.


Anonymous said...

I don't believe anyone could be that insensitive...poor Brian and that poor girl...what was she thinking dating you anyway...I was sure you were going to say she was Brian's sister...please "say it ain't so"...tell me that at least this one you made up...Hubbys cousin is missing a finger and he's a very successful businessman
and he would kick your a##...
if you ever laughed at him..(I'm a bit cranky today..sorry)

Moooooog35 said...

Can you tell me how he lost HIS pinky? Maybe then I'd have a clue.

What was SHE thinking? Hey...check me out...I was hot.

prin said...

Wow, you guys could have traveled and made a fortune. Lady Nopinky and her Teeny Tiny Man...

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

"Lady Nopinky and her Teeny Tiny Man..."

The best title ever. Maybe she liked you because with you Mr Tom Thumb, she was a perfect 10. (10 digits that is...)


Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, maybe they got married. . .

Casdok said...

Glad Brian had his pay back!! :)

Jill said...

So you were that guy I hated in high school. (Nope, have all my fingers thank you!)

Anonymous said...

Iron Maiden and Prince? I don't know what to say. I'm not sure the population of Mantown is too pleased with you, either, at this point. Maybe one cancels out the other.

Moooooog35 said...

Wow. I'm getting a lot of crap for this one.

Luckily, I'm no longer the same guy.

Sure, I'd still freak out if I was dating someone that didn't have a pinky...

...but I no longer really care that much for Prince.

Kat Mortensen said...

This reminds me of the time I met a guy (who was training to be an undertaker - which oddly enough didn't put me off), but then I found out he only had one nipple!
Bye bye.

Buzzardbilly said...

See, I take offense at all the offended. Where are the "attaboy Moog for seeing her as a person and not noticing that she was missing nipless parts" comments?

I commend you for seeing her as a whole person rather than seeing her as a 9-fingered gal you needed to make a big show of treated just like you would have any 10-fingered chick.

And, I'm surprised you missed the finger. Wouldn't her hand have been about eye-level for the midget man of steel?

Moooooog35 said...

Kat: How could he only have one nipple?! What happened to the other one? Was it some weird S&M experiment (is it still stuck in a clothespin somewhere in Belgium)?

I wouldn't have been able to feed my kids with only one nipple.

Actually, since I'm a guy, this pretty much explains why my kids are so skinny.

Hungry Mother said...

I just watched "Russian Promises" last night and I know that Viggo cut off her pinkie with a pair of shears.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I used to know a guy with three nipples. I wonder if he had a sister?

Kat Mortensen said...

I don't know, but when he showed it to me in the back seat of his car, I couldn't get out fast enough!

Malicious Intent said...

The could have called you two Pinky and the Brain!

Anonymous said...

Favorite line this post, by far:

I'm SO going to Hell.

(I'll tell Rachel Ray you all say, "hi")

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Ah, Rodney, don't feel badly... Here, have a juice box.


linda said...

What has brought on this sudden attack of delayed guilt I wonder?

Forrest Proper said...

So, did you miss the missing finger because you were too busy staring at her third tit?

Chelle Blögger said...

Hey moooooog, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but um, I recently outsourced my blogging to India and well, apparently the guy who is in charge over there likes you because you won my Weekender Offender award.

I do apologize because not only that but he must really have a hard-on for you since he dedicated the entire Weekender Offender post to you and your "Psychological Fecal Matter".

Don't worry though, I am working on finding the bastard (so I can give him a raise), but until then you can go collect your award from my sidebar and see what he said about you here:

Oh, and your wife said, and I quote, "With the TV off, dammit!!" ???

She said you'd understand...

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, not me. I wouldn't have anything to do with a man without a full mitt. I like to be fist fucked and it requires all the digits in tact! For me anyways.

Biscuit said...

I had a witty comment, but then I read Upset Waitress's comment and...

*insert needle scratching across a record album sound here*

*legs snap shut*

Bharat said...

you certainly seem to have struck a chord there... i hope people realize that it was, what?, high school...

shit happens... i'm sure you're not all THAT insensitive now... just a bit..

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

Hysterical AND mean! Good job!
Besides, I always thought pinkies were waaaaaaay overated anyway.

AngryMan said...

I can't believe that you would write an insensitive vote. I'm disappointed, you're normally so upbeat.

Lori said...

Ummmm, as the driver of the bus to hell, I'd just like to say that I refused to let Rachel on. So yeah, uhhh

Nosjunkie said...

Thats terrible mooog

Moooooog35 said...

I'm glad to see everyone agrees with me on the Rachel Ray thing.

I also see that I've lost 25 Feedburner subscribers.

You take the take the bad...

Great. Now I want to Google pictures of Blair from "Facts of Life."

Anonymous said...

WTF? You were one messed up kid!

Good to see that you have matured since then....NOT!

Anonymous said...

You COULD get help you know? There are online self help forums and everything.

Dr Zibbs said...

missing a pinkie? Do you know what's worse? Being introduced to some dude and when you look down, you notice he has no right hand. Believe me, the only reaction is to run.

weirdtales said...

I'm goin' to Hell to get me a "Sammie"..maybe a pinkie Salmon "Sammie" I'm sure Rachel would slap one together for me!
Funny stuff moooooog..keep it up, all 9 fingers of it!

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