39 going on 10.
I'm 39 years old...but have the mindset of a 10 year-old.
I have the mindset of a 10 year-old with an 18 year-old's horniness.
(my wife is adding, "..and a two-year old's penis..."...I just know it)
My maturity level isn't that high.
I actually feel guilty going into "R" rated movies, or playing video games that have the "M for Mature" rating on them.
I love boobies and vaginas!!
There I go.
So, as mentioned previously, my son got his new Transformer's Optimus Prime voice-changing helmet for Christmas.
I play with this thing daily.
If you've never heard it, I'm including some audio here of me wearing the helmet...
As you see, my son also got bongos.
Yep...that's me playing the bongos in the clip.
If you're not running out to buy one of these things RIGHT NOW...then there's something wrong with you.
...you actually act your age...which is a burden I fortunately don't bear.
My son and daughter also got packs of wall "appliques" for their rooms.
My son, of course, got Transformers appliques.
My daughter got Bratz ones.
If you've never seen a Bratz doll, you're lucky.
These things make Barbie look like a flat-chested nunnery-bound priss.
Back to the Bratz.
These Bratz are...well...they're...
Botox-injected, mini-skirt wearing, stripper-shoe clad whores.
They should be called "Slutz."
...although, this lends itself to a whole different demographic (men wearing ankle bracelets), and probably wouldn't sell quite so well.
..but I digress...
So, I'm putting up these skanky little tramps on my daughter's wall...
...all the while thinking...
"I would SO hit that."
That's not what I was thinking. I was thinking:
"I'm SO getting some of these appliques for MY room."
I'm saying this out loud.
OK, ok...here's what I was thinking:
"If my daughter EVER, EVER dresses like this...I shall imprison her in the tallest tower of this castle."
(this reminds me to start researching second mortgage rates, as I'll need money for building this tower)
So...here I am pasting these hot little slut stickers all over my daughter's room.
..pausing ever so slowly over the soft, plump lips..the firm buttocks...
I did it out loud again.
I'm realizing that my seven year-old daughter will some day view these chicks as what she wants to be...
...how she wants to leave the house...
...how she wants to be seen.
Why couldn't I have TWO sons?
Then I'd be able to just high-five them when they came home and said that they had hot hate-sex with a Bratz look-alike in the girl's bathroom.
Those are my boys.
But I don't have two boys. I have one.
...and I have a seven year-old daughter.
Dammit...this is way tougher.
Anyway, these appliques also come with smaller stickers:
Pocketbooks, jewelry, diamonds...
(ah...not only will she strive to be the biggest slut she can be...but also the gaudiest and most materialistic...how awesome...)
..and then there were the lip stickers.
So..I'm pasting these stickers all around her room.
Then...I decide to get all artsy-fartsy.
I take them, and start slapping them on the wall at all different angles.
It's then, that I step back, and actually LOOK at the lip stickers.
The lips that are stuck on vertically look like...
..they look like...
OH THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT.
I just stuck red, purple and pink vaginas all around my daughter's room.
Just the look I was shooting for:
Sluts, diamonds, pocketbooks and oversized vaginas.
Kind of like Vegas...but in my daughter's room.
Vaginas were EVERYWHERE.
Realizing that I've turned her room into a twisted gynecological display, I quickly rotate all the inflated labia vagina stickers so that they start resembling lips again.
(granted...they're gigantic, fat, Charo lips...but at least they now slightly resemble a mouth)
If I'd left them up as-is, there's no way I'd be able to venture into her room ever again.
...as it would be like entering the basement of my own mind...instead of going into my daughter's room.
Fucking Bratz giant vagina stickers.
I did keep one of them for myself, though.
I love boobies and vaginas!
Yep. I turn 40 in August.
I'm SO mature.