How to Make an X-Rated Toy | Mental Poo

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

How to Make an X-Rated Toy


39 going on 10.

That's me.

I'm 39 years old...but have the mindset of a 10 year-old.

Scratch that...

I have the mindset of a 10 year-old with an 18 year-old's horniness.

There.

That's better.

(my wife is adding, "..and a two-year old's penis..."...I just know it)

Anyway...

My maturity level isn't that high.

I actually feel guilty going into "R" rated movies, or playing video games that have the "M for Mature" rating on them.

I love boobies and vaginas!!

See?

There I go.

Told ya.


Sorry.

So, as mentioned previously, my son got his new Transformer's Optimus Prime voice-changing helmet for Christmas.

I play with this thing daily.

It's awesome.


If you've never heard it, I'm including some audio here of me wearing the helmet...

...and singing.

As you see, my son also got bongos.

Yep...that's me playing the bongos in the clip.


Enjoy.


If you're not running out to buy one of these things RIGHT NOW...then there's something wrong with you.

Or...well..

...you actually act your age...which is a burden I fortunately don't bear.

Anyway...

My son and daughter also got packs of wall "appliques" for their rooms.

My son, of course, got Transformers appliques.

My daughter got Bratz ones.

Bratz.


If you've never seen a Bratz doll, you're lucky.

...because...honestly...

These things make Barbie look like a flat-chested nunnery-bound priss.

Mmmm....nunnery.

Sorry.

Back to the Bratz.

These Bratz are...well...they're...

WHORES.

Botox-injected, mini-skirt wearing, stripper-shoe clad whores.


They should be called "Slutz."

...although, this lends itself to a whole different demographic (men wearing ankle bracelets), and probably wouldn't sell quite so well.

..but I digress...

So, I'm putting up these skanky little tramps on my daughter's wall...

...all the while thinking...

"I would SO hit that."

..wait..

That's not what I was thinking. I was thinking:

"I'm SO getting some of these appliques for MY room."

Shit.

I'm saying this out loud.


OK, ok...here's what I was thinking:

"If my daughter EVER, EVER dresses like this...I shall imprison her in the tallest tower of this castle."

(this reminds me to start researching second mortgage rates, as I'll need money for building this tower)



So...here I am pasting these hot little slut stickers all over my daughter's room.

..pausing ever so slowly over the soft, plump lips..the firm buttocks...

DAMMIT.

I did it out loud again.

..anyway...

I'm realizing that my seven year-old daughter will some day view these chicks as what she wants to be...

...how she wants to leave the house...

...how she wants to be seen.

UGH.

Why couldn't I have TWO sons?

Then I'd be able to just high-five them when they came home and said that they had hot hate-sex with a Bratz look-alike in the girl's bathroom.

Those are my boys.


But I don't have two boys. I have one.

...and I have a seven year-old daughter.

Dammit...this is way tougher.

Anyway, these appliques also come with smaller stickers:

Pocketbooks, jewelry, diamonds...

(ah...not only will she strive to be the biggest slut she can be...but also the gaudiest and most materialistic...how awesome...)


..and then there were the lip stickers.

Stickers...of giant...Botox...lips.

Great.

So..I'm pasting these stickers all around her room.

Then...I decide to get all artsy-fartsy.

I take them, and start slapping them on the wall at all different angles.

*slap*

It's Artsy!

*slap*

It's Fartsy!


It's then, that I step back, and actually LOOK at the lip stickers.

Oh...SHIT.

The lips that are stuck on vertically look like...

..they look like...

Vaginas.

OH THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT.


I just stuck red, purple and pink vaginas all around my daughter's room.

Awesome.

Just the look I was shooting for:

"PornLand"


Sluts, diamonds, pocketbooks and oversized vaginas.

Kind of like Vegas...but in my daughter's room.

Vaginas were EVERYWHERE.

Realizing that I've turned her room into a twisted gynecological display, I quickly rotate all the inflated labia vagina stickers so that they start resembling lips again.

(granted...they're gigantic, fat, Charo lips...but at least they now slightly resemble a mouth)


If I'd left them up as-is, there's no way I'd be able to venture into her room ever again.

...as it would be like entering the basement of my own mind...instead of going into my daughter's room.

Fucking Bratz giant vagina stickers.

Repositioned...

...aahh...that's better...

I did keep one of them for myself, though.

Because...remember...

I love boobies and vaginas!

Yep. I turn 40 in August.

I'm SO mature.

39 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

Your wife is a strong and brave woman. That is all I have to say on that. :)
Thank God someone on this planet still has a sense of humor. :)
Keep bringing it on Poo, we need you!

mauniejames said...

You are one sick puppy...
I like that about you...
does you wife read this stuff?
she must wonder who the heck she married....hahaha

Mike said...

Poor poor mighty midget man, I feel sorry for you.

I'm glad you realize that by buying your girl bratz dolls you'll be a grampa in about 5 years, right?

Maybe those dolls should come with a chastity belt?

Greeneyezz said...

You stay up late at night thinking of this stuff, don't you???

Thanks for the laughs, it's much appreciated!

~ZZ

clairec23 said...

My partner is so jealous of you because of that transformer's helmet. I wouldn't let him get one for our son. ha! At least now I know to avoid bratz like the plague for our daughter. I hope our next child is a boy, I need all the males I can get to beat away anyone that looks at my daughter when she dresses like on of the bratz...

Mimzie said...

When I was little I used to take the Sear's catalog and flip right to the men's underwear section. Should I have not said that out loud?

Elise said...

ha ha ha I used the 4th pic down in one of my posts about Bimbo.

Anyway, I agree Bratz are complete Slutz. At least your daughter plays with them and doesn't dress like them...

Oh boy life as a Daddy is scary isn't it?

And its only going to get worse darling!

xx

Preposterous Ponderings said...

When you decide to go into your daughters room and jerk off to the Bratz dolls while you have the Optimus Prime helmet on...then we will all know you have some serious issues.

meleah rebeccah said...

Boobies and Vagainas! Yeay!

I cant even begin to tell you HOW MUCH I cant stand the Bratz/SlutZ dolls. Thanks for making THAT funny.

A Martini Always Helps said...

Hilarious....

Why on earth do you let your daughter have that Bratz doll? It's totally like porn star Barbie! In fact, I think hanging up vaginas around her room would be a lot healthier than hanging up pictures of materialistic plastic whores.

Bratz should come out with a "Knocked Up at 16" version or "Herpes Bratz."

Michelle Hix said...

Your wife is a saint! haha But a very entertained saint at that. Does she ever get to call a time out with you where she gets to dress you up and take you out and pretend you are normal and then come home and do romantic things to you before the clock strikes 12:00 and you turn back into a pumpkin? The more I read, the more I adore your humor and the more I repsect your wife!

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

I always thought those Bratz looked like Skanz.

You should keep one set of Bratz lips in the vagina position. That's freaking hilarious!

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

Skankz not Skanz. WTF, Jeannette, you eeediot!?

Chuck said...

I've never really thought of it before but you're right. Those Bratz are pretty hot. And those lips...mmm...I've love to rest my balls on one of those Bratz chins. But those huge ass feet would scare me a little.

moooooog35 said...

Chuck: Freaking me out a little, man. And that takes a LOT.

Stay away from my house.

My wife MUST have a lot of patience...but I DO notice that she rolls her eyes A LOT.

At first I thought it was a medical condition.

Now I realize it's just life with me.

My dog's starting to do it.

Stupid dog.

Real Live Lesbian said...

LMAO! I like boobies, too...and va-jay-jays. I'm 42. It doesn't get any better, does it? :)

billymac said...

My daughter is 2, I am weeping right now because of this post... i hope you feel better.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I thought I had replied but then i went to the Bratz site and they have a makeover game and time just flew!

I was REALLY surprised to see Bratz Halloween costumes this year. I don't care if Halloween is pretend and fantasy, but I'm not going to let my 5 year old pretend to be sexy even for one night. There is something so worng about it.

upset waitress said...

I guess you can always rip off the door knob to your basement. Stick one of them lip stickies over the hole and have your way with it? That's better than going into your daughters room and looking at the walls only to get a boner. :)

moooooog35 said...

AGABAM: Thanks for the tip on the Bratz Halloween costumes.

I'm getting one for my wife.

With me in the Optimus Mask...

THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.

nameless to protect the innocent said...

this made me laugh when I needed to

Linda and her Surroundings said...

How hard for you to have a daughter - because you know how guys think but you don't want them thinking that about your girl. You have a tough time ahead.

Those Bratz dolls are nasty - the name change to Slutz is perfect for them. Still, I would have loved those dolls when I was a little girl. They are soooo grown up looking.

HeyJoe said...

You are not alone, my brother.

I am 42.
I laugh at farts
I giggle at boobies. They don't like to be laughed at - word to the wise.
I am starting a club for over-aged adolescents. I suspect we'll need a REALLY BIG ASS club house.

Earric said...

This post was so hilarious. I love the illustrations, and I agree that Bratz are so...whorish.

Colonel Colonel said...

Ahhh... Cathrine Zeta Jones and a rock tower...

WHAT????????

The Real Mother Hen said...

I want to play Bratz Dolls kicking one another with you!
Else I'll cry!
I'll go around say you bad.
I don't friend with you.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'll be 40 in April. Tonight, we had spaghetti for dinner and I wrapped the leftover bread in foil. It looked like a large silver penis, so I said, "Hey, honey" to my husband while I waggled the foil wrapped bread near my crotch. He laughed, but then he said, "Do you realize you are way too old to be acting that way?" And, I was like "Sez you - you're almost 50!" LOL. Life's too shot. Laugh at farts, boogers, boobies, vaginas and penises. I do!

Malach the Merciless said...

I feel bad for my daughter, BRATZ are not allowed in the house

Monday Morning Power said...

Don't forget to post the New Year's Resolution meme and the tags.

Julie said...

You have a great sense of humour...I'm glad I found your blog!

Prin said...

hehehe... :D It's true though. I wouldn't have been able to put hoochies on my kid's wall.

Buzzardbilly said...

I can tell you the Bratz lead to no good. I took my niece to see Britney Spears on Britney's first tour (Britney was like 15 or 16 and had one album out). The niece was only 9 or 10. Now the niece is 18 and God has given her humongoboobies. She often says, "I have boobs; therefore, I win at life."

It's a scary, scary world.

Put on your helmet and try not to watch. At least that way her dates will be concerned about that Optimus Poo gene and a muttering helmet future. That should at least slow down the unzipping for a little while.

Baba Doodlius said...

Uh, I'm a bird so I don't have any lips whatsoever, and I don't want to rain on your Bratz-slut-boobie-vagina-parade, but isn't Botox for alleviating wrinkles and collagen for over-poofing one's lips?

moooooog35 said...

Baba: This is why I don't like birds. They're smart asses AND they poo on my carpet when they're out of their cages.

Actually, I think College Inn is a chicken broth.

That's right. A broth made from a bird.

tigerlilly said...

Oh my GOD how can you f*cking STAND yourself?! I just discovered your blog, and quite frankly, I wonder, How is it possible I have existed for so long without knowing what it is to really LAUGH. OUT. LOUD.?

My husband thanks you for this too--he's trying to sleep as he's on nightshift, but my consistant squawking, snorting, and basically shitting-my-pants-laughing has caused him to threaend me with divorce.

Bravo!!!! (For the humor, not the divorce.......ahem.)

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The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Thanks for reminding me of how happy I am to have two boys. At what age should I nail their windows shut so that all the slutty girls can't get in?

WannabeVirginia W. said...

You are the funniest person in the world. I love your blog.

jerzygirl45 said...

You are wrong in so many way. And I love it. This disturbs me. I must now visit your site often to explore my own deep issues.

"Deep", hmmm. Oh, God now I'm doing it.

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