This is way better than a Leg Lamp.

I called my publisher the other day to ask him a question, and he answered the phone like this:

"So, you like the email?"

Um.

Sure?

Me: "Uh..hi? What? What email?"

Tim: "Go check your email."

So of course I ran to check my email because I assumed Kate Upton was asking him how to get in touch with me.

Man, if I had a nickel.

But, no. Instead, what greeted me was THIS:

OMGOMGOMGOMG.

HOLY CRAP POOP!

And then I apparently fainted and was out cold for days because I woke up in the middle of my living room with my dog looking at me hungrily and I had a full beard.

So, yeah. I was a finalist in the "Humor/Comedy" category for the Next Generation Indie Book Awards but I think I'm more excited about winning a medal for it which I will wear all the time just like this:

I'm considering going to the ceremony so they can actually PUT THE MEDAL AROUND MY NECK because this is probably as close as I'll ever get to knighthood or doing something remotely athletic.

Awesome.

*********************

If you haven't read my book yet, or would like to order 3,000 more copies of a Next Generation Indie Book Awards Finalist, you can get it in FULL COLOR paperback and Kindle versions here:

Things Go Wrong for Me - Amazon.com

Twix or Tweets - Volume Two

Before I start today...I have an announcement:

I'm sterile.

Actually, that's old news...but my son ran around the house this morning for some reason screaming:

"STAY AWAY FROM ME! I'M STERILE!"

I have no idea why.

But, hey, son:

When you're MY age, that actually becomes a SELLING point.

Yeah...I'm lookin' at YOU, Kate.


Where was I?

Oh..the announcement:

Ed from Ed's Funny Pages told me that I'd been nominated for 'Weblog of the Year' AND 'Best Humor Blog' over at the 2010 Bloggies.

I don't know what that is, but if you vote for me and I win this shit, I'll make you all royal subjects in my giant.. um.. bloggish.. kingdom.. thingy.

No idea.

So..feel free to swing over if you feel like it and throw me a vote or - if you find a blog that's better and funnier - you can vote for them up until the point that I hack their site and tear down everything they've worked for.

There can only be one king.

Thanks, everyone.

ONWARD!!!

***********************


Pain and Suffering.

Twitter-style.

The latest rage for asshole lazy bloggers is to self-promote themselves by reposting some of their own Twitter Tweets as blog posts.

I am now stooping to this level.

Actually, I'm 5'-2" tall.

No stooping required. Already there.

Sucks.

Below are some of my very own Tweets that I've subjected my 12 followers to.

For Volume One click here.

The skew on this one, though:

All things of my very own pain and suffering.

Enjoy.

*************************

Yep...fucking hand is broken AGAIN. I'd say God hates me, but he did break my non-masturbation hand, so I'm on the fence.


found out this morning that playing "the stranger" with a broken hand leaves a bad case of cast rash on your weenie.


Just tried to wash ass smell off my cast hand. Came out, smelled my hand and said, 'Ugh..pew.' Look up...some guy staring at me. Fantastic.


Right now I have a whistling nose booger and am saying "Here comes Thomas!" in an English accent, then making it whistle. Worktime Funtime.


Typo on a flyer at work said they were giving out 'Flew Shots' today. Three people have died jumping off the building.


I'm totally not getting H1N1. I'm holding out for H2N2...let them work out the kinks in this one before I dive in headfirst.


Someone asked if Jesus would get a flu shot. I said 'no', as he now has an aversion to sharp things piercing his skin. Here I come, Hell


Home sick today. Must rest. Rest = Xbox and porn. Xbox needs to make a porn game. Maybe a better idea for Wii. I'm apparently delusional.


Nightime Cold + Mucinex + two large cups of coffee = dizziness and hallucinations & OMG OMG OMG A RAT IS EATING MY FOOT! Wait. Just my shoe.


This cold has me coughing up a ton of goopy shit. So this is what it must feel like to be Paris Hilton.


*************************

If you're linked to me on Facebook, you may have seen these as well.

If you want to find me in either place, click here.

Twitter at: http://twitter.com/moooooog35 or you can just click this button:

Find me at Facebook by clicking here:

You've been warned.

Tweet.

Levitating Homos and My Major Award

I WON A MAJOR AWARD!!

No. No.

It's not 'World's Smallest Penis.'

You can't win that award twice.

It's in the rule book.

Suits suck.

No.

I won $60 worth of free flowers over at GO! Smell the Flowers! in a caption contest.

Here's the picture, followed by my AWARD WINNING CAPTION:


“Humpty Dumpty - The Musical.” Brought to you by the “Hot Chicks and Levitating Homosexuals Theater Group.”

Fucking ay, that's right!

Suck it, Shakespeare!

Oh.

I think he did, actually.


$60 in flowers.

Um.

$60 in flowers.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with $60 of flowers.

You see, I'm married to the one woman on the planet who HATES flowers.

Hates them.

This makes days like, oh, Valentine's Day and our Anniversary and her birthday all that much FUCKING HARDER BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T GO OUT AND BUY SOME STUPID FUCKING FLOWERS!!!

Noooooooooooooo.


Instead, I'm the one guy on the fucking planet who actually has to come up with creative and different IDEAS on what to get my wife.

Yes.

I have to THINK about what to get her.

No man should have to do this shit.

It's fucking tiring.

This XBox isn't going to play itself.

Did I mention she's allergic to everything except GOLD?

(anyone smell scam? anyone?)

By the way, I've known my wife since 1988.

I exhausted the goddamn jewelry avenue years ago.

She looks like Mr. T but with more hair.

(she tans a lot)


So, I suppose I kind of have to wait for someone to die or something.

If anyone out there wants to volunteer, let me know.

I got some nice flowers for ya.

Moog out.

Wearing my Maid's Outfit to the Oscar's

Just doing some general housekeeping today.

And, I might add, I look friggin' awesome in this French Maid's outfit.

Although this feather duster is really killing my sphincter and I may be bleeding out.

Oh.

You DUST with it.

Forget I said anything.

ONWARD!

Item #1: Johnny has a great heart, but he's slower than shit

First, I have to mention that my buddy John is running the Boston Marathon once again for his niece, his father, and all people battling blood cancers.

To read John's story of why he's running, click here:

To donate to John's cause, click on the left of my blog, or click here.

To read your horoscope, click here.

To read about me shitting all over John when he couldn't break the four-hour mark of the Boston Marathon last year, click here.

Sometimes, friends are mean.

GUILTY!!


Here's the Instant Message session I had with him when I told him I was going to try to get him some money for his worthy cause.

******************
midgetmanofsteel: hey douche

John: whats up

midgetmanofsteel: fyi - pimping your marathon run on Monday

John: thanks. you gonna shit on me again?

midgetmanofsteel: yep.

John: thanks. I appreciate it

midgetmanofsteel: what are friends for.

John: too bad I'm such a sensitive guy

midgetmanofsteel: they have sprays that will numb your anus for that.
****************

Nothing like, "hey douche" to set the tone for the conversation with a friend who's running to benefit cancer research.

I'm a good friend.


(yes...that's one of mine)

Also, ladies:

He's single.

As such, if you could blow him in lieu of a donation, I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

Shit.

I'D run the marathon I could get that deal.

No.

No I wouldn't.

Jesus H. Christ...I break a goddamn sweat when I go poop.

I can't imagine what would happen if I tried to run a marath...

...hold on...

...one sec...

..was typing pretty fast there and got winded.


Item #2: I'm Special in a small-bus way

Foster Mom to Many from over at "Postcards from Insanity" gave me an award.

By the way, 'Postcards from Insanity' would be a great name for a rock band.

Here's the award:


Um.

Thanks?

What the fuck is that? A lemonade stand?

How is that an award?

It's a picture of a cart where some illegal immigrant named "Guapo" gets paid to hawk salmonella infested lemons in Central Park because he forgets to wash his hands after he shits in his pickle jar.

Gee.

Thanks.

OH! OH!

Here's one from me for you guys out there...

...who go above and beyond with their blogs:


Yeah.

It's a fucking thimble.

Congratulations, you've earned it!

I'm kidding, Foster Mom...I'll post my lemonade stand with pride.

Just. Like. Guapo.

Item #3: But Wait...There's More!

Argentum Vulgaris from "NetherRegion of the Earth" also gave me an award.

Can't wait to see what it is.

Given the way these things are going...

...I'm guessing it's a picture of a plywood shelf or some shit.

Oh.

Here it is.


Great.

It's fucking upside-down.

I had to turn my laptop over to read it.

On a related note:

Flicked boogers may dislodge from your keyboard when you flip it over.

Man - I hope they're mine.

Just a helpful tip there.

Apparently the award says:

"Fucking Fabulous Blog"

Cool.

This will go nicely next to my lemonade stand.

Move your immigrant ass over, Guapo before I call the fucking INS on you, your 17 kids and their pickle jars full of shit.

Thanks in advance.

*********************

In all seriousness, though - thanks for the awards guys.

They mean a lot.

(I like to lie - it makes people feel better)

I'm supposed to follow some rules or shit about handing out these out to other people, but - as you may or may not know - I have my own award I give out:


So, without further ado...

Have a nice day.

I'm not giving any out today.

This post was long (that's what she said)...

...and now I'm all tired and sweaty.

Stupid cardio.

Also, these boogers ain't gonna clean themselves off my desk.

Well..maybe this one over here.

It's moving on it's own.

Slowly.

Just. Like. John.

Go send him some money to help some really sick people.

He's a good guy.

You know...for a slow douche.

Moog out.

"Sweep the Leg" and Other Non-Amazing Shit

Before I start, I have a new movie review of "Get Smart" over on "Moog's Movie Reviews."

Carry on.

*****************

It's gloat time.

This weekend, my five year old son had his first ever karate tournament.

He participated in four events:

1) Forms
2) Self Defense
3) Sparring
4) Trying to bang Elisabeth Shue

Woops.

I'm thinking of the other karate kid for #4.

Three events.

How did he do?

Take a look:


F*CKING AY THAT'S RIGHT!

Two FIRST PLACE trophies and a Fourth Place trophy.

The f*cking Fourth Place showing is nothing but a disappointment.

We'll have to work a little harder at destroying his childhood and taking all the fun out of karate if he wants to please me.

I'm kidding.

(not really)


He did AWESOME. Fourth place in Self Defense, first place in Forms and first place in Sparring.

I was videotaping the whole thing, with my wife by my side.

She had never seen my son spar/fight in karate.

As he's clearly kicking everyone's ass getting point after point (as a side note, they frown upon parents screaming "SWEEP THE LEG!"), she's subconciously grabbing my arm and shaking it.

As such, the video of the event looks like it was taken either by a California store's security camera during an earthquake, or someone with f*cking Parkinson's Disease.

Thanks hon. Quite the shaky memory we've made there.

Super proud of you, Cam. Super proud.

****************

Also, just an award acknowledgement from Kellie over at "Beauty is in the Eye of the Beer Holder."

Kellie awarded me this:


The "Uber Amazing Blog" award.

Awesome.

The only time I've ever been called "Uber" anything is when I neglected to tell my girlfriend in High School that I was nearing...um...completion while getting a BJ.

Her response when the time came:

"mm...mm....Ga..UUUBBBERR!!"

I don't think she was actually saying "Uber," but the choking sure did sound like it.

I'm supposed to 'tag' other blogs to give this award to. But homey don't play that way.

The only time I tag other people is when I'm finished with my turn at the gang bang.

Even then, I'm not a big fan of slapping hands. Too gooey.


I also like this part of the award:

"Keep it Up."

Keep it up?

Apparently, you don't know me very well.

I need pills for that shit.

Speaking of 'keeping it up'...I'm off to rent "Karate Kid."

Mmmm...

Elisabeth Shue.

Thanks, Kellie! This is much appreciated.

Everyone else, go check her site out - well worth the read.

Moog out.

Kick Ass Angry Clowns

Hold on...

Just realizing that the title of this article would be a great name for a rock band.

"Kick Ass Angry Clowns"

I need to be in a different line of business.

"Rock Band Namer Extraordinaire (Non-Premature Ejaculating Heterosexual Sexual Dynamo)"

I'm SO getting business cards made today.

Just a few things today:

First, I have a Netflix video review of "Speed Racer" over on Moog's Movie Reviews. *

*Anti-seizure medication not included.

Now...onward and upward!

(I say this often to my penis)

In the past few weeks I've received a couple of new "awards" from fellow bloggers.

I put "awards" in quotes because my pinky keeps hitting the damn key "inadvertently."

DAMN YOU, MAVIS BEACON!


Without futher ado, here they are:

The first award comes from AngieSS of Cup of Snarky.


The "Angry Clown Hell Award for Evilness."

Um.

Thanks?

This is actually a dream come true.

I remember coming home from school as a child, and playing "Mental Poo Author" in my room with my imaginary friend, Jenna Jameson (played, very well I might add, by my right hand)

The climax of this playdate would be my acceptance of the "Angry Clown Hell Award for Evilness."

It was awesome.

Then we would masturbate to reruns of Benny Hill.

Jenna would do all the work.


Thanks, Angie!!

The next award is this one from PlainOleMike of "The Miker Side of Life."


Thanks, Mike!

Ranting Diva gave me this same award a while ago - so it's nice to know that people think I'm "kick ass".

DAMN YOU AGAIN, MAVIS!! WHY MUST YOUR TYPING LESSONS TAUNT ME?!?!?

I believe the majority of people either just think I'm an ass, or want to kick my ass, or think my blog smells like ass.

Whatever.

Thank you anyway.

I'm going to celebrate with Jenna now.

I think Benny Hill is on.

Moog out.

Whoring Myself Out

Just a few tidbits today.

(unzipping pants)

First, a shout out here to Spazoid and his new site, "The Truth of Water."

Although the title sounds all "new wave" and "hip" and "Alan Alda" and shit...

...it's actually about water.

Yeah.

I have no idea either.


But - Spazoid has a message to send and it's about any questions you have about water.

ANY Questions.

My question was:

"Why is water wet? Or does it just feel that way because we're so dry?"

His answer was not funny.

It was the truth about water.

Hence, the f*cking title. Who knew?

Got a question about water? Give him a shout.

But don't take away my next question:

If there is water, water everywhere...but not a drop to drink...why is Rachael Ray famous?

Thanks in advance.


Secondly - there's a new Moog's Movie Review of:

Hard Candy

No, it's not about the prostitute I got named "Candy" who turned out to be a guy.

Stupid Mach 3 razors.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SHAVE SO CLOSE?!?


Also, Indrani Battaahcycayaycaria (man...I think I butchered that) from "Upstream from Lethe" awarded me the following award:


Thanks, Indrani.

I love my blog, too.

Sometimes, I take it out to dinner.

Then I slip it a roofie in it's Shirley Temple and have my way with it.

Me: "HOW YOU LIKE MY PAGERANK NOW, BITCH?!? HOW YOU LIKE DAT?!?"

Dirty little blog. She knows she wants it.

But I've digressed.

Thanks, Indrani.

And thank you, too, Candy.

Scruffy or not...best reach-around ever.

Moog out.

Uncle Jim and my Ginormous Bunghole

Like a giant, weeping hemorrhoid...

I'm back.

Now...

For the LOVE OF CHRIST, stop covering me in medicated pads!!

Thanks in advance.


I'll get into some of the details of the vacation shortly, but today I have some business to take care of.

First, I have a new movie review of "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" over on "Moog's Movie Reviews."


For all you perverts...there's a hot picture of an animated Natalie Portman!!

Um...I guess I'm in that category.

Also while I was gone, 50 of you voted in my latest poll:

What is the most disturbing search term my site comes up in?

Here are the results in reverse order:

my winky is stinky - 1 vote (2%)

I wanna be a macchio man - 1 vote (2%)

kids eat scat - 9 votes (18%)

white see through fatty film after poop - 10 votes (20%)

fuck me uncle jim - 12 votes (24%)

open my ass up to 6 inches wide - 17 votes (34%)

Um...

How does "kids eat scat" come in almost last place?

Is this common? Does the fact that someone wants to see children eat poop not disturb you?


Drinking pee, fine.

But eating poo?!

I'm assuming it tastes similar to kissing Richard Simmons.


Also...

"Fuck me uncle jim" came in SECOND?!?!?

Maybe it's because I HAVE an "Uncle Jim" that I find this one a little worse than the "6 inch asshole" search.

I mean...really...

The MOST I've ever asked Uncle Jim to open my ass was, like, 3 inches.

6 inches is just overkill.


Also...

Catscratch Diva has bestowed upon me the following:


That's right...

According to Diva, you're looking at a 'Kickass Blogger.'

Thanks, Diva!! I've always wanted to be a kickass blogger...

...ever since just now.

With a giant, 6-inch wide kick-ass.

I love you, Uncle Jim.

You Bruge, You Lose

Two things today, and then I'm out of your hair.

Like a mild case of head lice.

#1: In Brooges...In Bruggies...ah, F*CK IT.

My brother-in-law, Derek, has bestowed upon us yet another movie review over on "Moog's Movie Reviews".

This time, he reviews:

"In Bruges"

Starring Colin Farrell.

Derek also gives us the correct pronunciation of "Bruges"...

...unlike Colin Farrell...who gives us NO clue as to how to pronounce his first name.

As such, I always call him "Colon."

This pisses him off, and he no longer brings me homemade banana bread because of it.

But, whatever - I always thought his baking skills sucked almost as much as his acting skills.

ALMOST.


#2: I think "Pico" means "Gay"

Practically Joe from Practically Wisdom has given me the following award for my ability to blow him without dragging my teeth.

Wait..wait..wrong Joe.

Regardless, Prac Joe gave me this:



It's called the:

"Arte Y Pico Award"

What. The. F*ck.

Although I appreciate awards as much as the next guy, I can find no actual motive for supplying me with an award that makes me feel like I should go sew something and then buy a dildo.

Since I DON'T want to be like f*cking Barack Obama and HAVE to learn f*cking Spanish, I decided to plug this into my Spanish-to-English translator.

She was mad at me until I decided to use lube.

HA! Kidding!

Lube is for quitters.


It turns out that:

"Arte Y Pico" = "Art and Tip"

Oh!! Thanks for clarifying!!

Of course, I'm just kidding - I appreciate that recognition...

...and I know Prac Joe had NO idea that this award was given out to members of the "Eating My Corn on the Cob the Long Way Club" ("EMCOCLWAY", for short).

But I bet Joe knows.

The other Joe.

When I go get my other award from him later, I'll ask him.

Thanks, PJ!

Moog out.

Hooray!! I'm a Stupid Sh*t!!

Yeah...

Like you didn't already know that.

Hell...

My wife puts a sticky-note in my lunch bag every day that says this same thing.

You know...

...just in case I forget.

Being in love is awesome.

Anyway...

The Blonde Goddess (hereafter known as "BG") has bestowed upon yours truly the following award:



"The Stupid Sh*t" award.

Gee..um...

Thanks?

Like I needed another reminder that I'm a stupid sh*t (see sticky-note reference above).


I'm not clear about the picture on the award, though...

...as it appears that BG is in the process of having a massive bowel movement.

A "BGBM", if you will.

(I'm SO Copyrighting that)

At least, that's what I look like when having a massive bowel movement.

I even put in pigtails for the event.

HOT.


Regardless...

Thanks, BG.

An award showing you squashing out a Yule Log is as good as gold.

Actually...next time...SEND GOLD.

Thanks in advance.



If you haven't read The Blonde Goddess, GO NOW.

May God have mercy on your soul.