Dear Moog: | Mental Poo

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Dear Moog:


Like a bad case of genital warts:

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAACK.

The Disney ordeal is over.

It wasn't all that bad, although I did have something to complain about every single day.

As I gather my thoughts and work on those entries, I'll leave you with another episode of "Dear Moog" in the meantime.

Enjoy.

By the way...

Manatee is DELICIOUS.
*****************

Here we go again...

Another exciting "Dear Moog" advice column.

Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Question #1, From Diva:

1. Paper, plastic or bring your own tree hugger bag to the grocery store?
2. What determines whether a man is a butt, boob or leg lover??


Let's tackle the paper/plastic/drag-an-environmentalist topic first.

I say plastic.

Paper is made from trees...

...or some other papery substance (like Larry Flynt's conscience), I believe.

As such, using plastic actually SAVES trees...

...as they don't have to be cut down in order to carry your pizza rolls home.


Plastic not ONLY is non-biodegradable (read: reusable)...

...but it also serves well in pissing off environmentalists.

Seriously..it's a win-win here.


2. What determines whether a man is a butt, boob or leg lover??

This depends on the day.

If there are 24-hours in the day, then chances are pretty good that the man is a butt, boob or leg guy.

You're welcome.


Question #2 from Preposterous Ponderings is a multi-part question:

1.How come your parent's never put you up for adoption?
2.Why did all of the dinosaurs die?
3.Why do you touch yourself at nights?
4.Why did they take the Brady Bunch off the air?
5.Why is Robin Williams so damn hairy?
6.Does my blog make me look fat?


Dear PrePo:

Seriously, ask a few more f*cking questions.

WTF.

1.How come your parent's never put you up for adoption?


Who said they didn't?

My father always used to tell me that "I came in the mail."

He would tell me this when we walked by the big post office mailboxes on street corners.

Dad (pointing at mailbox): That's where we found you, son.

Me: Someday, Dad, I will kill you while you sleep.

...good times...good times...


2.Why did all of the dinosaurs die?

The extinction of the dinosaurs can be directly attributed to the Hollywood Writer's Strike.

Seriously - there's only so much "Survivor - Carnivore Edition" you can take.


3.Why do you touch yourself at nights?


Hey...

...this anus isn't going to stick a finger in itself.

(reminder to myself to wash my hands)



4.Why did they take the Brady Bunch off the air?


According to historical records, the Brady Bunch fell victim to a genital warts outbreak on the set...spread by Bobby.

Bobby was a bisexual whore who also gave the girls kidney infections after going "backdoor" on Greg while he slept in his downstairs bachelor pad in a milk-induced stupor.


There was also a beastiality charge brought against Mr. Brady by another cast member (allegedly, this was the dog, Tiger), although these charges were later dropped after a plea bargain was reached (something to do with "kibble.")


5.Why is Robin Williams so damn hairy?

According to the theorem "post hoc ergo propter hoc", we find the following:

1) Masturbation creates hairy palms.

2) Robin Williams is hairy all over.

Using this function, we determine that:

Robin Williams can masturbate using his chest and back.

Also...in a related story.

Robin Williams is my new hero.


6.Does my blog make me look fat?

I refuse to answer this on the grounds that you're a woman...

...and there really is no correct answer to this question.

As such, I'm going on my old high-school trick that I used to use on tests when I didn't know the answer.

Let's give it a try using this method:

Question: Does your blog make you look fat?

Answer: 8

This method was more for math tests...but f*ck it.

*****************

There you go! Another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

18 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

Ohhhh Mooooooooggggggyy Babbbbbby! You are back! (M.I. hops onto Mooogs lap and messes up his hair...if he has any left.)

So glad you survived the evil kingdom of mouse. It has been rather dull around here without you. I mean, I have been resorted to reading Mike and Colonel's blogs! (Kidding. Maybe.)

Welcome home.

AngryMan said...

You got to eat manatee? Frack. Every time I try to get some, Green Peace and ASPCA show up at my house. It's frelling terrible, those people don't shower.

Lori said...

WOOHOO!!!!!!! It's good to have you back!

So does it taste like chicken?

Zoe said...

something to complain about everyday? oh i bet you were a treat! can't wait to see the pics of you feeling up the girls at the princess breakfast.

Kimmylyn said...

Welcome back Moooog!!!

wolf said...

Good to see you back. I am now both more enlightened and more confused, all at once.

Kitty said...

Welcome home! :-D x

Mike said...

Thank you for coming back. I am now complete.

You may also call that boob a douchebag. This is acceptable.

Mimzie said...

Welcome back. What did you bring me?

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Number 8....WHATEVER!

Can't wait to hear all about your Disney trip.I am sure it will be very interesting.

So is Mickey really hung as well as Minnie says?

*Happy to have you back!*

CatScratch Diva said...

Welcome home from Disneyhell!! Always a fun place.

Could you imagine if there were 36 hours in a day?

I feel for Robin Williams, poor guy has to masturbate all over the place.

HeyJoe said...

Welcome back.
And in order to set the record straight, I was not, nor have I ever been bisexual. I'm a straight up chili-stirrer, but the times were loose, and I was experimenting.
Plus I'm convinced Greg slipped me a Mickey after luring me into his bachelor pad.
Bobby

rs27 said...

Is there a good case of genital warts?

I can't wait for the stories about how you punched some 6 foot tall mouse

DiamondDigger said...

Oh god I'm so glad your back. My withdrawal pains were becoming severe! I woulda hated having to find a fix somewhere else...you're the man.

Hye said...

Hahaha. It's my first time here but I did enjoy this post. Had some point , in a weird way... but I like it.

I like the part where you have to choice between plastic and paper... hmmmmnnn... I would go for paper, eriously ;D

Hye of Your Online Guide

Prin said...

lol @ the turtle glad to have plastic in its mouth...

Robin Willy's got skills.

billymac said...

wb moooog... i can finally stop shaking and scratching myself uncontrollably

Biscuit said...

I thought I had mad masterbatory skillz, but that's impressive. Something to aspire to...

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