I hate to leave you all to your own devices, but I'm going on vacation.
No...I'm not "goin' fishin'."
I don't understand fishing.
The last time I went fishing, my father hooked my f*cking ear while he was casting and damn near yanked me into the friggin' pond.
...this is why some children kill their parents.
I'll be packing up with the family tomorrow for a week-long trip to Disney World in Florida.
This should be pure Hell.
I'll be back next Wednesday, and should have plenty of fodder to retell.
Answers to burning questions like:
1) Did Disney allow my daughter to go on Space Mountain with the lights on?
(this is the only way she'll go on it)
2) Will I return with both children? Or will I be so fed-up with them by day 3 that I throw them into the lake at "GatorLand?"
3) Is petting dolphins really all it's cracked up to be? Or am I getting a boner for nothing?
(seriously...is it me...or is all that clicking and herring-breath just a total turn-on?)
4) What does manatee taste like?
In the meantime, I hope you'll run around this site and maybe check out some articles that you haven't discovered before.
Look on the right side here for some of my "Greatest Sh*ts," or dig through the history of my f*cked up posts.
Got some questions that need a really crappy, half-assed answer?
Then shoot an email to "Dear Moog," and I'll try my best to screw up your life when I get back.
Also, I've been recruited by a site named "Scrivel" to do some writing for them.
I had to agree to some anal penetration by men dressed as Hobbits to get myself published...
...but I do that anyway on the third Thursday of every month (a hearty "shout out" here to Father Murphy from my church)...
...so getting published there was just an extra perk.
You'll find a couple of articles that haven't been published here before over there. Hope you like 'em.
Don't forget to visit my friends on the left, here, as well. They write good stuff, too (it's liberating to say this without fear of Hobbit-induced rape).
See ya in a week.
I'll bring you back Cinderella's panties as evidence of my travels.
...or maybe Sleeping Beauty's...
...I hear she's a sucker for roofies.
Come see me at Scrivel, too!