Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya | Mental Poo

Monday, February 18, 2008

Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya

I hate to leave you all to your own devices, but I'm going on vacation.

No...I'm not "goin' fishin'."

I don't understand fishing.

The last time I went fishing, my father hooked my f*cking ear while he was casting and damn near yanked me into the friggin' pond.

...this is why some children kill their parents.


I'll be packing up with the family tomorrow for a week-long trip to Disney World in Florida.

This should be pure Hell.

I'll be back next Wednesday, and should have plenty of fodder to retell.

Answers to burning questions like:

1) Did Disney allow my daughter to go on Space Mountain with the lights on?

(this is the only way she'll go on it)

2) Will I return with both children? Or will I be so fed-up with them by day 3 that I throw them into the lake at "GatorLand?"

3) Is petting dolphins really all it's cracked up to be? Or am I getting a boner for nothing?

(seriously...is it me...or is all that clicking and herring-breath just a total turn-on?)

4) What does manatee taste like?

In the meantime, I hope you'll run around this site and maybe check out some articles that you haven't discovered before.

Look on the right side here for some of my "Greatest Sh*ts," or dig through the history of my f*cked up posts.

Got some questions that need a really crappy, half-assed answer?

Then shoot an email to "Dear Moog," and I'll try my best to screw up your life when I get back.

Also, I've been recruited by a site named "Scrivel" to do some writing for them.

I had to agree to some anal penetration by men dressed as Hobbits to get myself published...

...but I do that anyway on the third Thursday of every month (a hearty "shout out" here to Father Murphy from my church)...

...so getting published there was just an extra perk.

You'll find a couple of articles that haven't been published here before over there. Hope you like 'em.

Don't forget to visit my friends on the left, here, as well. They write good stuff, too (it's liberating to say this without fear of Hobbit-induced rape).

See ya in a week.

I'll bring you back Cinderella's panties as evidence of my travels.

...or maybe Sleeping Beauty's...

...I hear she's a sucker for roofies.

Come see me at Scrivel, too!



Malicious Intent said...

My dearest Poo...oh how we shall miss you as you travel to the House of Mouse (a.k.a. quailty family time in shackles as they melt away your precious credit cards and manhood)so you may purchase every unwanted, needed piece of mouse crap made in china available to keep your family happy and from drop kicking you off of the top of the Epcot center.

Godspeed my friend and we hope there is something left of you for us when you return.

Safe travels.

Malach the Merciless said...

What is that kid gonna do with the bag of kool aid?

Anonymous said...

Bon Voyage.
Hasta La Vista.
Via Condios.
Buh Bye.

Enjoy. My week of hell is next month.

billymac said...

better you than me... i pretty much hate disney with a passion...

Anonymous said...

Hope you survive and have fun...

but then get your ass back here and make me laugh some more...

I'm already feeling the withdrawals starting...lol

Elise said...

Have a good holiday Mooog.

I've been to Disney World. I almost killed myself after the first day. What the hell is wrong with theme park people. They're so damn perky all the time.

I did have a smooch with Aladdin though... Yeah it was worth it!


Anonymous said...

WTF! How dare you leave us for such a long period of time.

All of your followers are gonna have to go into therapy until you get back to amuse us some more.

Have a fun time!

If you run into Prince Charming* send him my way!!!!

Hungry Mother said...

Disney World can be enjoyed, even without drinking. See here to see how.

Buzzardbilly said...

Gatorland is one of my favorite places ever! I hope your family enjoys it as much as we did. Truly a great gift shop for making your friends and family go "Huh?"

Last time we were there it was mating season for the big birds along the walkway. It was like one big Egret, Ibis, and Flamengo orgy. The giant sea turtles were at it too.

Anonymous said...

Have a great vacation. I hope you come back with BOTH of your kids.

Mike said...

I understand if you look hard enough, there's a dad/husband section in disneyland.

It consists of beer, lazy-e-boy recliners, and big screen T.V.'s.

Good luck.

prin said...

Yey! You know what that means? I get to catch up again! Yessss! Great timing, as always.
"Prin hasn't been here in a while. I should take a break so she can read it all.."

Have fun. :)

Zoe said...

wow that is a creepy pic...the kid one. oh and the one from 16 candles. why on earth did she give him her panties...i don't recall.

Anonymous said...

Yea right. Like I'm really gonna go around checking out articles of yours I've never read. Your current ones are enough fucking sickness I can handle. Enjoy Disney WOrld. I hate the place personally. With any kind of luck your kids will get lost and you can sneak off to Epcot.

linda said...

Aren't holdiays so different once you have kids? Have a great time.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

You have a fantabulous vacation. I'm sure it's a dream come true. Me on the otherhand...I would rather gauge my eyes out and eat them with pasta.

Enjoy the foreign tourists. BTW, I've noticed large Germen men wear tiny shorts and skip the underwear. Oh horrors of my childhood. I have park bench phobias.

Biscuit said...

Por favor manténganse alejado de las puertas!

Have a great time!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i fingerbanged snow white. seriously. this is when i lived in fla, and we all went to orlando for Grad night (a bunch of high school seniors from all over the world go to disney and stay there all night long) and i was coked up, met snow white in the bathroom, she wanted some, and long story short, we started making out, and i fingerbanged her in the tea cup rides.

Simply Curious said...

Strangely enough, I never liked the Disney parks. Giant over-sized cartoons and princesses freaked me the fuck out. So did Chucky at Chuck E. Cheese.

The first time my Mom took me I won a golden ticket when I walked through the gate. It's good for one pass, any time in my lifetime. Pretty much anyone would be thrilled to get this random prize. I wasn't. I wanted a pin like everyone else got when they walked through the door. So I cried for the first hour we were there, until my Mom gave me hers. The only thing I like about these places is roller coasters. My sister wouldn't go on any because she was a sissy, so I ended up going on them all by myself. I was barely tall enough, but I was wearing platform sandals. Ah, thanks for the memories.

I still have that golden ticket. I figure that I'll wait until the price goes up to like 500$ a ticket and then I'll sell the sonofabitch. At this rate, I'll only have to wait a few more years. How much does it cost to get in now?

Tequila, that is my ultimate fantasy. I don't know if it would be on the teacups, because you have to manually spin them, don't you? I want to be fingered on a roller coaster, though.

Malicious Intent said...


Malicious Intent said...

When you return, if you wouldn't mind...

Making a special request to some of my blogger friends:

I am on a campaign to get Fox Sports to name their new mascot the Gopher Cam which is used at their NASCAR races. (I personally find the gopher annoying.) I would be so grateful if my friends would just take one moment to visit www.foxsports.com and go to vote for a name for the gopher cam and submit "Road Kill."

They already mentioned my name on the air earlier with the suggestion and NONE of the drivers are giving any good ideas with the exception of Casey Mears who later in the show suggested the same name. I hope he wins. PLEASE HELP!

Your help would be greatly appreciated and a cause close to my heart. Please pass this request along and I will report on the name game when they air it next week.

Power in numbers!


Buzzardbilly said...

I hope you've made it back all safe and sound. The news is saying there's a huge power outage in Florida, including Disney World.

prin said...

Not back yet? Soon? I'm nothing without Poo. lol Ok, I'm something, but needlessly uncomfortable.

Like now. After this comment. lol

Yoolees said...

Hahaha... as usual, I like the hotos and the text included. I enjoyed them.

Hye of Your Online Guide

Related Posts with Thumbnails