Now with Only Half the Commandments of Christianity! | Mental Poo

Monday, February 11, 2008

Now with Only Half the Commandments of Christianity!

Now...if I could only find some stone tablets.

...give me a minute and I'll explain...


Angryman was nice enough to offer me the very prestigious "WTF" award:

The description:

"This blog makes me think about sh*t"

In my case, there is a literal connotation to this sentence. As sh*t is pretty much all I write about.

Thanks Angryman, much appreciated.

Go check him out...maybe you can make him think about some more sh*t.

OKAY...On to my "Stone Tablet" comment...

I was thinking about religion the other day (I had stubbed my toe and yelled “JESUS CHRIST!”), and thought it would be fun to come up with the following:

If you were God, and could come up with Ten Commandments to impose your will on people...


..."for other people to live by"

...what would they be?

I figured I’d give it a shot.

However, because I don’t really want to piss off the “Big Guy” (George Stephanopoulos), I’m just going to do 5.

Remember...I'm God in this...I can do whatever the Hell I want.

However, I’m also doing another 5 from my wife’s point of view tomorrow …so..(calculator out), you get 13 in all.

Ladies and Gentlemen…BEHOLD:

The Five Commandments of Moog:

Commandment #1:

Thou shall chew with your f*cking mouth closed.

Seriously, asshole.

What the f*ck?!

Is is really SO HARD to keep your goddamn mouth closed when you chew?

Listening to you chew sounds like Oprah jogging without a bra.

*smack slop splat smack*

I want to shove a rolled up magazine down your f*cking throat.

Oh..and by the way…

You don’t get points for chewing food with your mouth closed if you can’t bring that same talent to GUM.

I really hope you swallow that gum and get worms.

Seriously…keep your f*cking mouth closed you goddamn pig.
Commandment #2:

Thou shall not drive in the f*cking passing lane if YOU’RE NOT PASSING ANYONE YOU STUPID, STUPID IGNORANT F*CKSHIT

I think that one is self-explanatory.

See that car in front of you?

Oh…you see nothing? Really?

Me either.


Thank you.

Commandment #3:

Thou shall stop sending me pictures of your kids at Christmas may have been cute when they were younger.

But now they’re in their 20’s.

Cut the sh*t.

I don't care what your kids look like.

I’m guilty of this, too…but only because my wife makes us do it.

She even made us all dress up in matching outfits one year for these pictures.

We looked like the f*cking Osmonds.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

Commandment #4:

Thou shalt charge less for Pay-per-view porn

This one is for the exec’s at Comcast cable.

Seriously? $14 for a crappy porn movie?

I could make my own for less money.

…of course, it would star two fish and a dog, but whatever.

Commandment #5:

Thou shall speak English to me

I don’t mean “broken” English.

I mean “English English.”

..and since I'm making up these rules...

...why don't you try to get rid of that damn accent while you're at it.


I realize you live in China…or you used to…or whatever…I honestly don’t care what your f*cking story is.

In fact, I DON’T KNOW what your f*cking story is BECAUSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.

It’s “YES,” not “JESS.”

It’s “Vibrate,” not “Wibrate.”

I remember going out to lunch one day at a Chinese restaurant, and the waiter came by to see if we were done.

Except, his accent was SO THICK, that it came out like this:


My buddy, Jim, thought he said, “How are you doing?”

So…it looked like this where I was sitting:

Waiter (to Jim):
“Are you done?”


Jim’s reply: “Good.”

The waiter…obviously confused at what just happened…simply walked away.

Accents suck.

Hey…they’re my rules.

I can make them whatever I want.

I need to make these permanent.

Anyone got a chisel?

If you're interested in doing this, have at it.

I don't tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.

This is also why I have "a list."

Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.

It's the nice thing to do.



Mike said...

This is an excellent non-tag that I'm going to have a go at.

As soon as I fix yesterdays post when I get home from work.

Everybody needs to see what it looks like underneath my toilet.


Jill said...

Listening to you chew sounds like Oprah jogging without a bra.

*snort* That's good stuff Poo! I'm going to find a way to use it in a conversation today. :)

Congrats on the award!

billymac said...

Jesus (pun intended) I may just take up this meme... to think me with the power of god, you guys are all f@cked...

Elise said...

I definitely agree with #2.

Move out of my damn lane you stupid slow tosser!

I'm kinda disappointed though Mooog... You can do better than 5 can't you?

I'm putting forward a request for 5 more by you.


Casdok said...

Congrats on a well deserved award!!

Hungry Mother said...

I will definitely try to get your commandments written into the constitution rather than the Huckster's 10, which he just said the other day were all of the laws we need.

The only thing I could add to yours would be for Chinese women: Thou shalt not drive.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your award!

I will so have to do this meme.

I can't stand it when people chew with their mouth open either.

You don't know how many times I wished I could staple someones damn mouth shut! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Buzzardbilly said...

I don't mind accents, but I do mind people who don't speak English acting like they can and trying to talk to me. Most of the time Engrish and Spanglish crack me up.

Lori said...

WOOHOO! Another great award Moog! And the first family picture you posted...the lady in the red that deoderant we see?

Ok, I need to come up with my own commandments. hehe I'll link back to you! (not that have many readers but you are worth 'spreading'

Diva said...

I would live so happily with Moooooog rules.

No chomping... excellent.

What would the punishment be?? I'd be sending the boy over for his ass kickin as he knows not how to chew like a civil person.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your award.. I need to know how long it takes you to find the pictures you chose for your posts.. they are always BRILLIANT!!!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your new are so funny and i AGREE WITH YOUR FIVE..I will try to post five of my own..the reason you think George is a big guy is what? He's about 5'5" and a total loser..I met him at a book signing but I would never read his books..he's so full of himself..but of course, I probably think he's sorry...

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Your already going to Hell, so punishment for this blasphemy, your are going to Hell's Hell, yes, yes

Unknown said...

OH.MY.GOD. You are my new bloggin boyfriend. Just kidding. I write a lot like you, as a matter of fact I just did a post about the open mouth chew. I would love to have you drop in and sheck me out. I am at

Anonymous said...

Loved the list...these photos KILL ME, I really don't know how you think up all of this stuff. You are HYSTERICAL.

Baba Doodlius said...

So, why the "hand with lips" on the guy carrying tablets instead of the usual Brad Pitt? Just curious.

Eve said...

Hilarious #2 is my Fav

Malach the Merciless said...

Sorry I gave up God, and Religion for Lent

Biscuit said...

Oh, number 1. It makes me homicidal.

I think I love you! And I fell in love with your wife after the Spooge Calendar, sooo...threesome?

No? Are you sure? You don't have to answer right away. Just give it some thought.

Candy said...


Was that you last night on Route 17, flashing your high beams at me every 30 seconds. Because, shit man, calm down. I was probably fixing my lipstick or something.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your award!

I will so have to do this meme.

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