What's Wrong with Joe? | Mental Poo

Friday, February 15, 2008

What's Wrong with Joe?


French boys know all about the pains of Taintville.

..and it’s all because of Joe.

Let me explain…

I work with Joe.

Joe is funny.

I like Joe.

(I like Joe but, no, not in an "all you can eat anal buffet" kind of way)

But…

…there’s something a bit...um...OFF with Joe…

Let's go through a couple of examples:

Example #1:

Joe Introduces me to an Ebay I Don’t Want to Know:

I got an Instant Message from Joe last week.

Here’s how it went:

********************
Joe: Hey

Me: Hey

Joe: I think if we combine our funds, we can get this:
********************

…he sends me a link…which brings up…

..this:


If you can't read it, it's this:


"Very Rare Anti Masturbation Device French c1880"

Um...

Really Joe?

WTF.

********************
Joe: What do you think? Wanna go halfsies?

Actually....I have a different question:

Me: Um…what were you really looking for that brought you to a French anti-masturbatory device?

Joe: I was actually looking for a Belgian one.

Me: I’m all set.
********************

It's not that I DIDN'T want to go halfsies...

...it's just that I couldn't figure out how we'd share custody of the thing.

This brings a whole new meaning to "messy custody hearing."


Anyway...

This started a conversation in our area about the actual device like:

a) How did it get a f*cking dent in it?

b) What’s the little metal loop for at the bottom?

c) Where does the little metal loop GO?

The latter question ("where does the little metal loop go"), and the discussion that followed, ultimately resulted in the introduction of the following word to the English vocabulary:

“Taintville”


Yep...Taintville.

You can use it for now…

...the Trademark is still pending approval.


Example #2:

My Urinary Phone Call:


I’ve been fighting a cold for the past few days.

Colds and I don’t get along...

...like Britney Spears and good mental health.


Anyway…

The onset of this cold has resulted in a large amount of goop that needs to be spat out.

I chose to do the majority of said "goop spatting"(not to be confused with "Mooge spatting") in the corporate men's room yesterday.

I walked into the bathroom, and stepped up to the urinal to pee.

However, just prior to grabbing hold of Mr. Wiggly (hey, there, little buddy!)...

...I hocked up a loogie and spat it into the urinal:

Me: “Hoooooooooocckkkkk!!...THWAP!”

I then approached the urinal to perform penile target practice on the boogery substance that was now scaling the urinal wall.

(try it at home, kids!)


Me: "Kapow! Kapow!"

Having defeated the first glop with my urine-firing "flesh canon", I snorted up another one...

...and shot that one out as well:

“Snooooooorrrtttt….hooooooccckkkkk….ppptttuuiii!”

Two targets.

Awesome.


Just then...my Blackberry buzzed.

I looked down to see:

“Incoming Call from: Joe”

If you've read one of my first-ever posts, you'll know that I HATE talking to people in the men's room.

UGH.

I picked it up, and said in a very low, whispery voice:

Me: “..hello..?”

Joe: “Yeah. Um….could you stop making that noise, please?”

There was an echo.

He was taking a dump in the handicapped stall.


(“Rodney…we’ve traced the call…the call is coming from INSIDE THE BATHROOM!”)

Joe: “You’re throwing off my concentration.”

I hung up, washed my hands…

…and fled.

I was at my desk for 5 minutes, when this happened:

Example #3:

The Origination of "DPT":

I was still thinking about the bathroom phone call at my desk, when I got another Instant Message from Joe:

********************
Joe: what's it called when a dingleberry doesn't actually make it out of your cornhole?

Me: gross.

Joe: don't think it's technically a dingle

Me: dude, I don't care.
********************


The messaging continued...

********************
Joe: no, this is the kind of terminology you are a stickler for

Joe: partial birth berry

Me: maybe it's an ingleberry

Me: in-gleberry

Me: as it's still "in"

Joe: delinquent partial turd

Me: There you go…a “DPT”
********************

DPT = “Delinquent Partial Turd”

I may put this up on Wikipedia along with BWB ("blue water, baby!").

If they let me.

Those pricks at Wikipedia kept deleting my attempts to submit “Mooge,” so I think “DPT” stands a slim chance of being accepted.

Now that I think of it...

...I wonder if they’ll accept “Taintville.”

*****************

30 comments:

AngryMan said...

Don't let the man keep you down! Make Wikipedia accept the definitions!!!

Mike said...

What the fuck man, how come none of my friends are fucked up weirdo's like joe!

There's one in every crowd!

Umm

I guess it's me then?

Buzzardbilly said...

For a brief moment I thought you might have known my boil-on-his-taint-so-bad-he-had-to-be-hospitalized guy because his name is Joe too. Glad for you you don't.

Love the DPT definition.

Diva said...

Oh My God. Thank you, Rodney... Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I get to go home early because I sat here and laughed so hard I just pee'd my pants.

Pee pants = go home early on Friday.

Good job.

Malach the Merciless said...

DOWN WITH THE WIKINAZIS!

Midleah said...

If Wikipedia won't take you, go to urbandictionary.com~

Mimzie said...

They won't except Mooge? Fuckers!

moooooog35 said...

Viva la Revolution!

Spread the Mooge!

Um...

..ew.

wolf said...

I have no friends. I would put up with Joe. At the very least, he keeps your day interesting, right?

On another note, my verification word is "tooofuy," which for some reason sounds like a way to describe a dingleberry.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You are two severly messed up men! I think I am in love with you both!

Just having cold metal against Mr. Wiggly would make him crawl back inside.I so don't understand the length they kept on the anti masterbation device.

The dent, well you have heard of "knock on wood"...so there you go!

Dingleberries and hockers.I am so going to hurl!

HeyJoe said...

Every office needs a Joe.

Hungry Mother said...

My lungers are so powerful that they have to be steel-wooled off.

Kitty said...

The metal loop on the bottom is obviously either for a small twine 'lead' so the poor unmasturbated man can be led to wherever he needs to be led; or it's to hang the device up on a hook, to 'dry out'. No?

The Doggy Did It said...

I am not sure if that monkey has a dingleberry, or is giving birth to a tree branch. Nasty.

Oh and my spell check is going nuts over dingleberry, Mozilla is pretty adamant that it is two words.

Malicious Intent said...

That looks like a vegtable strainer with a nose. (I think I need a nap.) TGIF!

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

Ever watch Mr. Show? If you're a fan, you might remember an episode called, "It's Insane, This Guy's Taint." I believe it's on youtube.

DiamondDigger said...

LMFAO...OMG I've never read or seen something so funny. What a sick, twisted, crazy friend you have. Oh, and I think the dent came from the former owner, who in his attempts to get the damn thing off, was probably banging it and himself up against the wall in frustration.
Thanks for giving me so much laughter today!

mauniejames3 said...

okay...okay..you finally did it...made me sick enough to throw up...

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Wow - you and Joe are....close.

jeff said...

yeah that guy is weird. but that makes me wonder why he shares all that with you. i mean that was nasty shit...haha

billymac said...

I'd like to see the french mom/maid that slapped that puppy on her kids schwartz... that's just messed up.

g-man said...

Too Damned funny. Calling from the shitter is just wrong. I wont even mention the French gizmo.

Titania Starlight said...

Wikipedia are a bunch of DPT's.

What is up with the anti-masturbation device. Was that created during the Spanish Inquisition? The dent must be from when he tried to bust it off his Johnson. Ouch! :o)~

Greeneyezz said...

You stay up late at night, thinking of this stuff, don'tcha??

Funny stuff!

;)

~ZZ

upset waitress said...

And you want to quit masturbating why?

Greeneyezz said...

HA!

I think 'Upset Waitress' gets the prize for the Best Question yet!

Why *Would* you want to give up Spankin' the monkey???

~CuriousZZ

Michelle Hix said...

Kramer vs. Kramer? I am going to pee my pants!

Prin said...

Toilet Joe is sexy with his strategically placed tie and come hither stare.

And he's your favorite guy too- not one phone in the can but two!!! Two! Can you believe it?

I can't.

Hey, I caught up. You didn't write nearly enough this week.

Zoe said...

i think everyone needs a joe in their life. i think i love joe...unless his penis actually does fit in that thing. then me thinks he maybe too...asian.

MommaKiss said...

Swear to God I wish I worked w/ you and Joe. Joe? In the bathroom calling you? Christ. I am going to lose my shit over here.

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