It's that time again to go over those terms that people search for...
...and in which my blog shows up in the results.
People...let me tell you:
You're a bunch of sick f*cks.
So nice to know I'm not alone.
Here we go:
Search #1: "spooge on my boobs 1"
The key word here in this search, if you didn't pay attention, is the word:
...which means that a woman did this search...
(or a really fat gay guy...
...I'm going with the former, thank you very much)
The only thing I'm really curious about here is the number "1" in the search.
"Spooge on my boobs 1"
Does this woman (or gay fat guy) HAVE only one boob?
Is it a uni-boob?
Actually...it doesn't matter.
Spooge + boob(s) = one happy evening
Now, if I could just get "mooge" in there as a substitute search word, I'd be happy.
Search #2: "diarrhea stench from 9 year old boy"
This poor kid.
I'm not sure if it's the actual kid with the diarrhea stench that's searching for this...
...or someone who's trying to help him...
...or the next contestant on "Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator."
In any event, this stinky kid is f*cked.
Search #3: "girl with poo on her finger"
If she's 9 years old, then this helps explain search item #2.
Search #4: "Blow Job say thank you"
If someone needs to search on whether or not they should be saying "Thank You" after a knob-job, then they have NO BUSINESS getting one.
Guy: "Wow. That was phenomenal. Thank you."
The Wrong Way:
Guy: "Wow. That was phenomenal. Reminds me of mom. Do you do windows, too? Go make me a sandwich and then change my diaper, bitch."
...this would be wrong in my house.
Say "Thank you," guys...
...it's just common courtesy.
Search #5: "is chewing callouses bad"
OH. MY. GOD. YES.
Unless you want to be THIS GUY...take my word for it.
Trust me when I say this:
You DO NOT want to start down this road.
Eating your own hand is just the tip of the iceberg that will lead you to Barry-topia.
...and it's a hideous, hideous place.
Get your hand away from your mouth...
...sell your undersized 1980 Universal Studios "Jurassic Park" t-shirts...
...take off the black socks when you wear sandals...
...AND RUN THE F*CK AWAY.
Search #6: "how to make a toy vagina"
This was my own personal search.
(on a side note, if anyone knows how to do this WITHOUT using donuts and steel-wool, please let me know...thanks in advance)
Search #7: "Penis in the cereal"
Penis in the cereal.
Personally, I'd be taking this box of "Grape Nuts" RIGHT THE F*CK BACK TO THE STORE...
... instead of spending my time f*cking Googling it.
Wife: "Honey! There's a penis in our Cap'n Crunch!"
Me: "Well..it DID say there was a prize inside."
Wife: "What do we do?!?"
Me: "I know! Let's Google it!"
There's a dink in your Cheerios.
GO GET YOUR MONEY BACK.
The breakfast of champions...
...and Paris Hilton.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Labels: search results