You Searched for What?!? - February Edition | Mental Poo

Thursday, February 14, 2008

You Searched for What?!? - February Edition


It's that time again to go over those terms that people search for...

...and in which my blog shows up in the results.

People...let me tell you:

You're a bunch of sick f*cks.

So nice to know I'm not alone.

Here we go:

Search #1: "spooge on my boobs 1"


I. Rock.

The key word here in this search, if you didn't pay attention, is the word:

"my"...

"my boobs"

...which means that a woman did this search...

(or a really fat gay guy...

...I'm going with the former, thank you very much)

Sweet.


The only thing I'm really curious about here is the number "1" in the search.

"Spooge on my boobs 1"

1...what?

Does this woman (or gay fat guy) HAVE only one boob?

Is it a uni-boob?


Actually...it doesn't matter.

Spooge + boob(s) = one happy evening

Now, if I could just get "mooge" in there as a substitute search word, I'd be happy.

Search #2: "diarrhea stench from 9 year old boy"

This poor kid.

I'm not sure if it's the actual kid with the diarrhea stench that's searching for this...

...or someone who's trying to help him...

...or the next contestant on "Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator."

In any event, this stinky kid is f*cked.



Search #3: "girl with poo on her finger"


If she's 9 years old, then this helps explain search item #2.

Search #4: "Blow Job say thank you"

Um...

Duh.

If someone needs to search on whether or not they should be saying "Thank You" after a knob-job, then they have NO BUSINESS getting one.

The RightWay:

Guy: "Wow. That was phenomenal. Thank you."

The Wrong Way:

Guy: "Wow. That was phenomenal. Reminds me of mom. Do you do windows, too? Go make me a sandwich and then change my diaper, bitch."

At least...

...this would be wrong in my house.


Say "Thank you," guys...

...it's just common courtesy.

Search #5: "is chewing callouses bad"

YES.

OH. MY. GOD. YES.

Unless you want to be THIS GUY...take my word for it.


Trust me when I say this:

You DO NOT want to start down this road.

Eating your own hand is just the tip of the iceberg that will lead you to Barry-topia.

...and it's a hideous, hideous place.

Get your hand away from your mouth...

...sell your undersized 1980 Universal Studios "Jurassic Park" t-shirts...

...take off the black socks when you wear sandals...

...AND RUN THE F*CK AWAY.


Search #6: "how to make a toy vagina"

Sorry...sorry...

This was my own personal search.

(on a side note, if anyone knows how to do this WITHOUT using donuts and steel-wool, please let me know...thanks in advance)


Search #7: "Penis in the cereal"

Penis in the cereal.

Um...

ew?


Personally, I'd be taking this box of "Grape Nuts" RIGHT THE F*CK BACK TO THE STORE...

...
instead of spending my time f*cking Googling it.


Wife: "Honey! There's a penis in our Cap'n Crunch!"

Me: "Well..it DID say there was a prize inside."

Wife: "What do we do?!?"

Me: "I know! Let's Google it!"

WTF?!

Dude.

Seriously.

There's a dink in your Cheerios.

GO GET YOUR MONEY BACK.


Ah...

Penis.

The breakfast of champions...

...and Paris Hilton.

16 comments:

Malach the Merciless said...

I suppose I am going to have to grace you with some of mine

Malicious Intent said...

Huh? What did you say? Who is that?
Did someone say penis?

I need some cereal.

Grilled Pizza said...

Am sure your wife makes far more beautiful wallpaper lol but thanks for the ego boost!
GP xx

Kimmylyn said...

he he he.. All I could think about was dick in a box with the cereal bit.. :)

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Buzzardbilly said...

Gives a whole new meaning to crunchberries.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

A nice big "sausage" always makes for a good breakfast!

Sure beats french toast any day.

wolf said...

So would you rather get hits from searches like "penis in the cereal" or from "estimation of average heterozygosity" or "silicon quantum wire array fabrication"?

Awesome job with the "spooge on my boobs 1," BTW.

Mimzie said...

You would die if you saw some of the key phrases that people search for and I pop up. Crazy!

billymac said...

Please let me know about the toy vagina answer... it's been haunting me for years.

HeyJoe said...

Now see I naturally assumed it was about putting one's penis INTO a bowl of cereal, for those who like their cooze cold and loose.

Not ME of course. I'd never stick it in a bowl of cereal. Well, does oatmeal count?

Fratboy said...

Contrary to popular belief it's perfectly acceptable to stick your penis in the cereal.In fact I think it makes it that much tastier.....uhhh I mean thats disgusting

Kitty said...

I get lots of people (unless it's all the same person?) searching for nipples. Various adjectives attach themselves to these nipples, but there are invariably nipples. They must be so disappointed.

Lord Likely said...

So...are you telling me I have come to the wrong place to find a girl with poo on her fingers?

I am so disappointed.

Titania Starlight said...

You keep getting better and better. Hey where do you shop dor your breakfast cereal. I want me some of those Capt. Crunch with penis toy. :o)~

The Real Mother Hen said...

Hhmmm Crunchy Penis, yes, some of that plase!
Oh yes, every woman loves Penis on this Valentine's Day.

Prin said...

All of a sudden, I'm hungry.

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