Mile-High and Scared Sh*tless | Mental Poo

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Mile-High and Scared Sh*tless

"Friendly Skies" my ass.

…but let me back up…

The family trip to Disney starts next Tuesday...

...for approximately the cost of what it would take to fund a small rebel guerrilla outfit in South America.

Viva La Mickey Mouse!

(I have no idea what I just wrote, as I don't understand German)


It’s not the overall cost of this trip that’s worrying me, though.

(as I've successfully raided the kids' college fund...requiring them to work in child labor camps (i.e., "Walmart") until they're old enough to get a job at McDonald's)

What's bother me is the fact that I have to fly to get there.


I HATE flying.

I’d consider driving, but if you’ve read any of my previous driving posts, you know I hate driving even more.

I never used to hate flying.

In fact, I actually still like the feeling of my tiny little midgetman body being squashed into the seats as the jet launches into a holeshot… arms and legs flailing all about...

...just like Paris Hilton on a date.

It’s just the part where the damn thing goes into the air that freaks me out.

Big planes, little planes…it doesn’t matter…

...the paranoia is all equal.

Let me explain…

First off, let me preface by saying that no matter what I do, something invariably goes wrong when I go on a trip.

You name it, I have a goddamn story for it.

It’s just the way it goes for me.

Lost luggage?

Of course.

Sitting on a runway for four hours?


Entire Eastern seaboard loses power..requiring you to stay an extra night in "F*cked-in-the-ass, South Carolina?"

Happened TWICE.

I'm still sore.

I hate South Carolina (ever hear of LUBE, guys?)

Plane sheared in half mid-flight, forcing me and 47 other survivors to live on an uncharted island 1,000 miles off-course...fighting polar bears and other people living on the island?


...not YET.

...but it's only a matter of time.


It just so happens that things get exponentially bad when you’re at 32,000 feet.

Like I said, I used to like flying.

However, when my wife became pregnant with our first child (thank you, UPS man!), the thoughts of mortality started to creep in.

For some unknown reason, my business trips around the country began taking on a hideous, ominous glow... a naked Rosie O’Donnell in fluorescent lighting.

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Sorry about that.

Needless to say, my first trip after beginning to feel these anxiety pangs was a long jaunt to the state of Oregon (state motto: "You WILL Smoke Pot!").

To make matters worse, this trip actually involved THREE hops.



I was white-knuckled for the first two hops.

Then, came the third…

I was traveling with Rob, who used to be a skydiving instructor.

He knew that I was anxious about this flight and had been ribbing me on it the whole trip.

It was when he started giggling as we walked through the airport to our last flight, that I got worried.

Me: "Hey…why are we going downstairs?"

Rob: (chuckles)

Sometimes...I hate Rob.

Me: "UM...Hey…why are we walking across the tarmac?"


I'm walking across the f*cking runway for some reason.

Rob (f*cker barely containing himself): "We’re taking a puddle-jumper."

A puddle-jumper.

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, a "puddle-jumper" is a little plane roughly the size of your fist…



I don't WANT to go on a plane with propellers.

I want big, hefty jet engines...

...and a plane that fits LOTS of people...

...and snacks that I don't have to pay extra for.

The closer we got to the plane, the smaller it looked.…which I think is contrary to the laws of perception (although, I did fail Geography, so I'm not sure of this law, specifically).

I then noticed the stairs.



I had to actually CLIMB into the plane.

How excellent this is.

Then comes the f*cking kicker..

As I’m climbing up the stairs, I notice some writing on the plane near the tail, with a little cartoon arrow:

“Black Box Here"

Oh, joy!

This is EXACTLY what I wanted to see while climbing the ladder into a f*cking model airplane.

I’m so excited at this point I can hardly contain myself.

Actually, the plane was so f*cking small that IT could hardly contain myself.

Then came the really fun part.


Air doing all kinds of freaky bumpy sh*t causing you to defecate in your pants. See also "Panic Attacks" and "Uncontrollable Urination."

I was sitting near the front of the plane, and Rob was across the aisle (which was, in a plane this size, about 4 inches away from me).

The stewardess was called to the cockpit (which is, in this plane, literally the size of a pit that can hold a c*ck)...

...she emerged, grabbed the microphone...

...and proceeded to warn us about some rough weather coming up.

Her warning went like this:

“Ladies and gentlemen, the pilot wanted me to let you know that we’re approaching some…”

..she was about to say the word “turbulence.”

However, at that EXACT moment, we actually HIT the goddamn turbulence.

This actually caused the plane to plummet about 200 feet...

...inducing weightlessness and – for me – sheer and utter terror.

As a result, her announcement came out like this:

“Ladies and gentlemen, the pilot wanted me to let you know that we’re approaching some turbu-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

People screamed.

Things flew in the air.

I poo’d a little.

I looked at Rob, I had no blood left in my face.

He was in tears laughing at me.

Yeah...sometimes Rob really IS a dick.

Karma had it in for him, though... it turned out that they lost his golf clubs when we got to Oregon.

HA HA! Sucker!

I felt a little better.

Until I realized that they lost my f*cking clothes.


I hate flying.


Kitty said...

I live in the UK - Rosie O'Donnell isn't famous here. To me, she looks like a brunette with a little hairy man's body - but who am I to judge.

Enjoy your flight :-p x

Mike said...

Rosie O'Donnel with moooog tits?

Not as bad as the real thing, I'd imagine.

She would be one chick that my commandment #8 would not apply to.... if that hole saw the light of day, anything approaching the event horizon would be sucked in.


Dorion Rose said...

I have 47 blogs that I subscribe to. I rate them by funniness. Yours is at the very top. You never cease to have me laughing out loud. The problem is I read your blog at the office.

Are you trying to get me fired you bastard!?!

Chickie said...

There is no freaking way I'd get on a puddle jumper. We always make sure and check to see if a flight requires one before we book it. When I visit my mom, I could fly in about 30 minutes away but it would require a proppy. We land 5 hours away in a big-boy plane and just drive the rest of the way!

Elise said...

I don't mind flying. Its the thought of falling that scares me to death! It happens all the time. Planes just fall out of the sky. If you google it you'd be shocked by the amount.

Anyway, enjoy your trip xx

Anonymous said...

I actually don't mind flying. I'm usually asleep before we even get off the runway. Plus, I quite like turbulance. It's like a roller coaster!

Anonymous said...

Used to have to fly on the darts of death from Santa Barbara to LAX where the real planes wait for the lucky that make it there.

No fun.

Hungry Mother said...

As soon as I stop laughing, I'm going to cancel my next flight.

prin said...

Yeah, I did that too once- that plummet down to earth with all the screaming? Yeah. Only it was a really big plane. Awesome.

The good thing about tiny planes is that the pilots are usually kamikazes, and they survive everything.

Or do they? I should look "kamikaze" up in the dictionary.

Moooooog35 said...

Prin: A kamikaze is actually a drink.

What's wrong with you?

Hold on, I'll get you the dictionary definition....

...nevermind. You're all set.

Anonymous said...

No way in hell am I ever going to fly again!

Last time it took me a good week to get my butthole to unpucker.

I had the deer in headlights look during the whole flight.

I have no wings and it was not inteded for my feet to leave the ground.EVER!

HeyJoe said...

Remind me never to get on a plane with you, Moooog.

Like you, I used to enjoy flying. Now I simply fear dying.

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

And that's exactly why it's best to get your drink on, just before boarding the plane.

Buzzardbilly said...

Living in West Virginia, I'm all to familiar with the puddle-jumpers. Worst flight I had on one of those was from ATL to CRW. It was so bad that a man said, "I have to go to the bathroom" and the stewardess said, "You cannot get up." In other words, hold it or make sure you have enough to share with everyone.

Smallest plane I've been on was one that used to run between Charleston WV and Morgantown WV. It seated eight. We used to call it the Spruce Goose because it was one of those ancient funny-shaped water-landing-capable planes.

Somehow I still love flying.

Malicious Intent said...

I have not been on a plane since 9/11 and was stuck 1500 miles from home. Me thinks me need to blog about that, cause it was funny, sorta...well not the 9/11 part...funny in a pitiful sad kinda way. Anyway, this girl likes her ass on the ground.

Rahul said...

We flew down to Spring Break one year and one of my friends kept saying, "what if the plane runs into another plane, now?" How about Now?" "Now?"

I punched him in the groin.

Tawnya Shields said...

I almost couldn't get past the Rosie pic to read teh rest of your post. Dude you are one crazy F**ker.

In all seriousness I wish you safe travels for you and your family.

Malach the Merciless said...

I can fly, I just put on my red cape, so much easier

Unknown said...

Hey there,

I came across your site via linkreferral and really enjoy it! Keep it up!

Christoff gouws

Simply Curious said...

First off, I'm never reading your blog again before bed because the image you just burned into my brain of Rosie ans her rosebuds, was just WRONG.

Because of that, you get no sympathy from me for the shitty ordeal you endured......
Maybe a little. I have a heart. And I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy. Well, maybe on my worst enemy. I'm going to shut up now. I'm babbling because I'm so distressed over that nasty-ass picture that I can't even comment properly.

Baba Doodlius said...

Flying's pretty cool, actually. 'Course I just use my own wings. You'd do better to sprout a nice pair of wings.

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