How Her Husband Got A Stinky Winky | Mental Poo

Monday, March 24, 2008

How Her Husband Got A Stinky Winky


I may need to permanently disable my Instant Messenger account.

If not for this reason, or this reason...

...then for the following article.

WARNING:
If you're eating a Pop Tart right now, you may want to STOP DOING THAT IMMEDIATELY.


Trust me.

This gets f*cking nasty.

Not, "Ew...that's yucky" kind of nasty....

...more like...

"I can't believe someone banged Tori Spelling" kind of totally f*cking nasty.


Anyway...

I was talking with a girl I used to work with the other day over Yahoo.

I've deftly modified her name in this article by switching TWO letters...

...in order to better protect her identity.

You're welcome, Kristin.

Ooops.

Anyway.

The conversation started innocently enough...

...with me asking her if she could send one of my buddy's resume (John) to someone.

(Forecast for the conversation:
Blue skies. No clouds in sight.)



**************************


midgetmanofsteel: do you know someone at (company)? How do you know there are openings?

Kirstin (note the cryptic name-change): i saw it on the website yesterday. chris works there.

Kirstin: joan also works there...but she's a major scumbag

*************************

Joan.

(A cloud appears on the horizon)


Ugh.


Joan.

Picture any woman you've ever seen coming out of a double-wide trailer on the show "Cops"...

...and you've got Joan.


Frumpy.

Old.

Decrepit.

Chain-smoking Joan.

I suddenly feel like I have a hair caught in my throat.

***************************

midgetmanofsteel:
just think...someone bangs that

Kirstin: gross

Kristin: it would take weeks to get the smell of smoke off you

midgetmanofsteel: mmmmm....penis and nicotine

***************************


You might get the feeling here, that she doesn't exactly like Joan.

In fact, when I told Kristin (DAMMIT...did it again) that I was writing about Joan, she said the following:

Kirstin: make sure you mention how much of a douchebag i think she is

Um...

I think that will come across here just fine.

(The clouds congeal. It starts to rain.)


Then she gives out this little gem...

...out of nowhere.

***************************

Kirstin:
plus she shits out her pussy so she's no good

***************************

Yep.

The girls I used to work with sure were classy.


HOLD ON.

BACK UP.

WHAT DID SHE SAY?!?!

***************************

Kirstin:
plus she shits out her pussy so she's no good

***************************

(Did I just hear thunder?)

"she sh*ts out her p*ssy"

Um....

Now...I'm still writing about my friend's resume...

...when what she wrote finally kicks me full force in the f*cking head.

***************************

midgetmanofsteel:
If I send you John's resume, can you send it to Chris?

***********************

*pause*

*KAPOW!!!*


***********************


midgetmanofsteel: OH GOD.

midgetmanofsteel:
WTF?!?

***************************

Was she coining some new phrase, like:

"That bitch is so crazy, she sh*ts out her p*ssy"

...I hope...?

???

Nope.

Much to my joy, she decides to explain.

(..in the distance...a twister approaches...)


*************************

Kirstin: yeah...something happened to her at childbirth. some major problem.

midgetmanofsteel:
wtf.

midgetmanofsteel: don't tell me that sh*t.

midgetmanofsteel: oh god..that's f*cking disgusting.

*************************

My. God.

It's not a figure of speech.

This woman poops out her cha-cha.

(my Pop Tart falls from my hand)


Now, at the same time, I have another Instant Message window opened with John (the guy with the resume).

As good friends do, I am simultaneously relaying this info to him.

***********************

John: guess her husband doesn't do oral

midgetmanofsteel: If he does, he has really bad breath

***********************


I'm beginning to feel ill at this point.

But...it's like porn with fat people...

...sure it's disgusting to look at...

...but, hey, IT'S STILL PORN.

Who am I to turn away?

************************

Kirstin: her step-kids used to shit in their hands and then throw it at the neighbor's car

***********************

Ah. Awesome.

Joan's kids throw poo.

Really?

(please reference "Cops/double-wide" statement above)


Regarding my friend, though...

Why won't she STOP TELLING ME THIS?!?!?

(The tornado has lifted me up, and now thrown me (and a cow) into the nearby pasture.)

I don't want to know any more.

I'm not sure how I got sucked into knowing this.

But now I do.

And so do you.

Enjoy your Pop Tart.

Me?

You can bet on Joan's stinky sh*t-smelling hoo-ha that I'll be skipping breakfast.

20 comments:

C.Rag said...

I'm confused.
Tori Spelling shits out of cha-cha?

Midleah said...

This reeks of urban legend. I'd need some kind of proof, preferably in the form of a doctor's note...

Tequila Mockingbird said...

that's pretty vile. it might even top an alaskan pipeline

Kitty said...

If she poos out of THERE, what comes out of/goes in THERE?

:-p x

rs27 said...

I guess she doesn't use the line
"Thats an exit not an entry."

Becky..AMHW said...

Everyone is special.

In their own way.

Girl in the 206 said...

Did she give birth to any children?

moooooog35 said...

C - yes, I've always assumed that about Tori Spelling.

Midleah - nope. No urban legend. This lady was twisted.

Girl206: seriously...does it matter if she gave birth or not? She poos out her hoo-ha for Chrissakes.

Slick said...

Geeezus Moooog, how disgusting can one person be?

The woman is actually married??!

I got the chills just thinkin' about it all of the sudden

billymac said...

i have to admit... that is f&cking awesome! that is the coolest story i have heard in a while... poops out her manny? classic.

Jen said...

moog~you didn't even have to say that she crapped out her hoo-ha...I still have the white trash visual in my mind and I want to puke my Reese's Peanut Butter Egg all over my desk.

That is a classic. Make sure you IM Kristin again tomorrow for another tale!

HeyJoe said...

Just so I'm clear, when she shit our of her booboo, Tori Spelling appeared? So Joan is, in fact, Tori's mother?

AngryMan said...

I don't have the balls to finish it. Sorry for being such a wuss.

ettarose said...

You did Tori Spelling? WOOHOO A celebrity intercourser! Seriously if she poo poos out her clam then she would be so infected you would have to break through the scabs just to put your willy in. Really, where do you think e coli comes from?

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey, you should be more impressed with me shitting out my penis

catscratch diva said...

Uh..... Ewwwww!!!

Rhea said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Chickie said...

Why does my mouth suddenly taste like puke?

Prin said...

Don't they usually fix that? Thank god for free health care in Canada...

Mega8815 said...

That is wrong in SO MANY ways.
Yeah I just lost my appetite. Thanks.

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