MAKE MY DAY.
I guess that although this went over well with Clint Eastwood...
...hearing it from a 39 year-old guy who is five-foot-two-inches tall doesn't present the same sense of impending DOOM.
(5'-2" = 3 millimeters and two cubits for those on the metric system)
HOW ABOUT IF I MAKE UP SOME NEW SINS FOR YOU!?!?
How's THAT for DOOM, PEASANTS?!!?
So far we've gone over the old sins and the new sins...
...and how I'll actually not only be GOING to Hell...
...but that I'll probably have a pretty cushy job waiting for me when I get there.
A while ago, I created "The Five Commandments of Moog"...
...which were, if I was to make "Da Rules," my laws that you'd have to live by.
Going with this idea, and the fact that the Catholic church isn't satisfied unless it involves a young boy's bum...
...I decided to also create my own new sins.
I believe the difference between a Commandment and a Sin is this:
SPECIAL "MENTAL POO" CLIP-N-SAVE SECTION!!!
Commandment: "God's General Rules that you should live your life by"
Sins: "What you actually do on a daily basis"
A sin is kind of like a grocery list of things that get you to Hell.
My fridge is full.
As such, I've come up with some of my own alternatives to the "New Sins."
If it were up to me, these would get you a lot of time in Moogatory (Moog's Purgatory).
Let's go over them, shall we?
The Sarcastic Church of Moog proudly presents:
THE NEW SINS ACCORDING TO MOOG!
1) Sticking a finger in a guy’s ass during sex
Ladies (or, Richard Simmons):
Cut it out.
It's not funny.
Although this has never actually happened to me, I've tried it on myself in the shower and didn't like it.
I can't imagine the poor guy who doesn't know it's coming.
I also need to remind myself here to replace the soap in the bathroom. I don't want anyone washing their face with it.
2) Getting in an accident on the highway on a perfectly clear day and screwing up my f*cking commute.
I hate this.
It's 70 degrees.
Not a cloud in the sky.
And I'm in a 10-mile backup because you somehow managed to FLIP YOUR F*CKING CAR in the middle of a four-lane highway.
My commute has just gone from 45 minutes to 3 hours.
...and I drank coffee before I left.
Let me tell you, when I get to the accident scene, there had better be a head rolling around on the pavement.
You keep me in my goddamn car for this long on a day this beautiful, and I want to see carnage.
On the bright side, with these new sins, I at least know you'll be suffering for eternity.
Joke's on you, dicksh*t.
3) Working for a telemarketing company
I think we're all in on this one...
...unless you actually work there.
If you do, you need to go home RIGHT NOW and flog yourself with a wet cat.
If you don't have a wet cat, I'm sure that any one of the families that you called at supper time or while in the middle of the new episode of "Lost" will gladly supply you one.
...Hell...we'll even do it for you.
How 'bout we swing by at dinner time?
4) Collecting $200 when you pass “Go” on your way to jail, even though the f*cking MONOPOLY INSTRUCTIONS SPECIFICALLY SAY NOT TO DO THIS YOU F*CKING CHEATER.
Not that I'm bitter about losing to my daughter...but COME ON...THERE ARE RULES!
5) Chewing with your mouth open
This shouldn't even be debatable.
This is also one of my Commandments...but - remember - I make the rules here.
Chew with your mouth open...go ahead...
Lightning should shoot from the sky and kill you instantly...
...you disgusting piece of sh*t.
When you get to Hell, they'll force you to eat those giant gumballs that are the size of Arnold Schwarzenneger's testicles...
...then every time you chew with your mouth open, Pinhead from "Hellraiser" comes by and sticks his fist up your ass.
(he's here for violating sin #1)
6) Microwaving fish in the workplace
Hey - it's not like anyone else works in this f*cking building besides yourself.
Go ahead...take your leftover fish-n-chips and nuke it!
Got some fish chowder? Why not?!
Dead Beluga Whale carcass? Heat that sucker up!
What better way to spend my afternoon then gagging on the odor of haddock floating through the cubicles?
I hate you.
Burn, bitch, burn.
..and when you do...I hope they make you smell like fish.
7) Talking in the bathroom
I wrote about this a long time ago.
But now, it's official.
If I'm pooping, and you're talking, you're going to Hell.
Straight up going to Hell.
Do not pass "Go"...
DO NOT collect $200...
...Seriously...you're not supposed to.
DIDN'T YOU READ THE F*CKING INSTRUCTIONS?!?!?
If you're interested in doing this, have at it.
I don't tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.
This is also why I have "a list."
Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.
It's the nice thing to do.