The Nut Gobbler | Mental Poo

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Nut Gobbler

Oh.

Yeah.

Put the kids away folks...

...this gets graphic.

*****************


Her nails dug deep into my flesh.

Slowly...cautiously...she looked up at me from below.

"No," I said. "No more."

But she would have none of it.

Our eyes met and I knew...

I just knew that there was NO way that I could deny that face of pleasure.

I hesitated...then...

...I bent down lower to meet her.

Together, we touched.

Her small hands intertwined with mine.

I watched her as she took it into her mouth.

"I can't believe this is happening," I thought.

I looked down at her, bewildered...

...I had never done this before.

My wife stood beside me with the video camera...rolling.

You see...

...she had never seen this, either.

And we damn sure weren't going to miss this.


As I looked up, a crowd had gathered around us.

Yes...

...we were in public.

But I didn't care.

I was consumed in the moment.

And then...

...as I watched...

...she started...

...gnawing on my nuts.


(yeah...that's actually me in the photo)

"He's eating from your hand, Daddy!"

Yeah...my kids were watching, too.

I know.

I'm twisted like that when I hand-feed squirrels at Sea World.

Anyway...

My daughter wrote a diary of our Florida trip.

When she wrote about Sea World, she wrote:

"We fed stingrays, and dolphins, and sharks and a squirrel."

Yep.

A squirrel ate the nuts out of my trail mix...

...right from my hand.

Why?

What the Hell were you thinking, you sick bastards?

32 comments:

Sugarbelly said...

Ok ok, so I have a sick mind...who cares lol. That was cute :)
(sorry If this got posted twice, my browser messed up)

Catscratch Diva said...

I was thinking midget porn for a sec.... What a feel good story this turned out to be.

A squirrel gettin a nut. Gotta love that.

Tamera Daun said...

hehehe. Cute mental poo.

Girl in the 206 said...

A squirrel once jumped on my back and scared the shit out of me...I hate squirrels.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

nice. there was a family of raccoons in some shit hole southern state i was driving through that would take french fries from your hand. obviously they were somewhat domesticated, but they would just sit below you outside of the fast food resteraunt and make grabbing motions with their little hands. siiigh. so close to nature, so CLOSE to getting rabies!

Becky..AMHW said...

Don't you know you can pass diseases that way? Disgusting!

Lori said...

I think I'm a little wet...

moooooog35 said...

Becky: I know this. That's why I wore a condom.

On the bright side, this patch of genital warts should be clearing up any time now.

Which will make me sad...because it smells like roasted cashews.

Indrani Bhattacharya said...

LOL! Hello Rod, nice to meet you. From the beginning I had suspected that neither you nor your wife are Lilliputians.
Very sweet story! :-D

Hungry Mother said...

Very funny. I was starting to stiffen as I read the account.

Malach the Merciless said...

See, and I was wondering about the shorts and sandals, you know is is 45 here is Southeastern MA.

Malicious Intent said...

Oh ain't those just the cutest little toes you ever just saw! You should show them off more frequently.

Fabulous Photo Gifts said...

What was a squirrel doing at Sea World? Surely these are land based animals?

Oh I know - Disney have taught them some tricks - jumping through hoops, juggling nuts and singing (damm that's chipmunks) but they look kinda like squirrels.

Hey thats it! You saw a chipmunk - not a squirrel.

Jonathan

Mike said...

If you dress up like squirrels americans feed you nuts.

Like racoons, they feed you french fries.

Americans are so easy to fool.

Heh.

Miss J said...

Beware of nut-nibbling rodents. They are frequently in league with sandwich-stealing ducks.

Titania Starlight said...

I was on the edge of my seat. This showed the sweet side of you. Awwwww.... :O)

Biscuit said...

Gee, you had me getting all turned on and now I just feel icky.

Prin said...

Awww...

Did you eat her afterwards?

What? I heard some Americans eat squirrels.

theoffendedblogger said...

Awwww!!

So you're really just a *sniffles* nice guy who shares your nuts and only pretends to be all bad ass and offensive, like me?!

I knew it all along. :)

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

How sweet! Are ya gettin' soft on us Mooooog?

Naughty Lakota said...

~giggling~
you've spoiled the squirrel for sure. No other nuts will suffice now.
~still giggling~

Pointing and laughing out loud: Word Verification: f NUTS g

The Doggy Did It said...

I used to have a black squirrel that came to the back door of our house in Michigan and I fed it Chocolate. What? Squirrels like chocolate!!


BTW, those are some pasty white ass legs you got there baby.

moooooog35 said...

Damn. People think I've gone soft. I'll have to post something next week about how I punched an old lady for looking at me funny.

Turns out she had cataracts.

Doggy: yeah, they're pasty. This tends to happen when you live in new england in the winter. Sure, I could go outside and tan my legs, but spending the next six hours rummaging around for my shriveled junk just isn't that appealing.

Real Live Lesbian said...

That squirrel's got a nice tail! ;)

You're so sweet to share.

Becky..AMHW said...

Smells like roasted cashews. Tastes like chicken...

Chooch said...

Love this!

upset waitress said...

Jesus Christ you need some sun on your legs.

Greeneyezz said...

Very Good Moog!

"Damn. People think I've gone soft."

I highly doubt that.

Really.

And sorry to say....I agree with Upset Waitress.


~ZZ

;)~~

Buzzardbilly said...

Gone soft? Hell no! We all know you had raging wood to tempt the squirrel to "nest" in.

I used to take my niece to a college campus to feed the squirrels in the mornings. Those fuckers were so used to eating out of hands that they would chase you if you didn't dole out to the whole crowd quick enough. I've had them climb my legs, dive on me from a low-hanging branch, you name it. You're lucky you were there long enough for Rochelle to go let the pack know where the food-giver was. Mhm.

AngryMan said...

You are one sick man, Mooooog.

A Martini Always Helps said...

This was a sweet story and all, but can we talk about the gold watch and the Teevas please? C'mon now.

Chickie said...

You certainly have a way with words...

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