Dear Moog, Potatoes are Our Friends. | Mental Poo

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Dear Moog, Potatoes are Our Friends.

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where I put as much effort into carefully crafting thoughtful, truthful answers to your questions... I do paying attention to my children.


Me: (turning up TV volume to HEAR OVER ALL THE SCREAMING): "Mmmhmmm. Blue."


I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Our first letter comes from The Offended Blogger (hereafter, called "TOB").

TOB hails from Idaho.

Idaho's state motto, "Got Taters?", was almost edged out by the runner-up vote-getter, "We're all bored. Send prostitutes."

I know nothing about Idaho, except the "potato" thing.

As such, I picture that everyone in Idaho:

1) Lives in giant potato houses
2) Hunts free-range potatoes with potato guns
3) Smells like dirt

Other than potatoes, I don't think there's much to do there.

As such, TOB has a lot of time on her hands to think about sh*t and ask questions...

...because, seriously...


Sergeant at prostitution bust:
"So, ma'am. Are you a prostitute?"

Hooker: "Yes, I da ho."

I kid.

She's actually VERY funny, and deserves a visit if you haven't read her already.'s her letter:

Dear Moog,

I was hoping that you could help my husband and I solve a little dispute regarding what exactly constitutes cheating in a marriage.

To me, I feel that cheating is a complex issue, and doesn't necessarily have to involve actually having sex with someone. An emotional affair is just as hurtful as a physical one, in my mind. I also believe that things like kissing, hugging and oral sex cross the line into adultery, as does watching someone else do dirty deeds on a webcam while you 'gratify' yourself.

Now, my husband believes that I am too old fashioned and he says that an affair only takes place when actual intercourse happens AND only if the two parties climax at the exact same time!

He assures me that his relationships with his secretary, our maid, our nanny, our neighbor, my sister as well as numerous webcam whores on the internet do not technically fit the "affair" category because he always orgasms long before they do.

The whole thing kind of offends me.

Am I overreacting here??

Offended in Idaho


Dear Offended,

Luckily, this was a letter.

Otherwise, any woman who actually spoke for this long would have had their words drowned out in my own thoughts midway through the second sentence.

As such, it took me 3 reads and 5 trips to the bathroom before I mustered the stamina to get through this.

But, I'm a trooper....and I'm here for you.


I may say that you've hit fairly close to home, here.

My wife, for instance, absolutely hates when I go to other people's blogs and make comments like:

"I'd SURE like to bang ya!"


"I'm attaching pictures of my testicles for your review."

Of course, it's all out of context... these comments were made on the blogs, "What-to-say-to-a-nail" and "Free-Vasectomy-Consultations," respectively...

...but whatever.

Additionally, my recent plea for naked pictures via email isn't helping my cause.

(a special "thanks anyway" shout out here to my mom for being the only one to answer me)

As such, I'm fairly sensitive to this topic.

Regardless, I believe you're right in this case.

However, I can't speak to this "oral sex" thing you mention... I'm unfamiliar with the term.

I'm also torn on my decision regarding the webcam/website thing, though.

If you could please provide the actual website addresses that have these webcams, I could probably do some more research and get back to you.

I've also heard that it's not cheating if the girl is unconscious...

...but that explanation didn't work in my Federal trial, so I don't think that's correct.

How's that?

You're welcome.

On a side note...

I also see in your question that you have both a maid and a nanny.

As such, it sounds like you're pretty well loaded and set financially.

I'm sure, in Idaho, you're probably raking in at LEAST "4 figures" and are pretty much residing in the Upper Class portion of your gated "Potato Community"...

...where the double-wide spuds have less of those dreaded "potato eyes".

If this financial freedom is because of your husband, I'd suggest you just lay off him at this point.

Seriously, you don't want to see how the other half lives.

Life in a single-wide potato house is A BITCH.

You don't want to be associated with the "chip and fry" crowd.

Trust me.

Good luck!


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.


Chelle Blögger said...


Fine, make fun of potato i-da-ho land and go ahead and take his side you bastard.

Did it occur to you that maybe I'M the one who brings in all the money?!!

Yeah, maybe I'M the one who pimps out my nanny and maid and all those single-wide-potato trailer trash web-cam whores for my husband to cheat on me with.

And maybe he pays me really well and that's what keeps me in this double-wide-potato life of luxury I am accustomed to!!

Oh, heh.

Yeah, I do see your point.

Let's pretend this conversation never took place. :)

Blonde Goddess said...

Apparently the offended blogger is married to a and there's no changing him.
If I were her I wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior.
I'd mash him in his tater tots and au gratin his french fry.

She's half-baked if she stays with him...seriously.

Malach the Merciless said...

If no one finds out, it is all good.

HeyJoe said...

I've suddenly got a hankerin' to take the fry chick from our local burger joint back to my place and bang her with my double-wide.

I hope my webcam is working.

L.P. said...

What was the question again?

I came away with "Idaho! Eat your own feet!" and "Blah-blah-blah"
and you poor, poor baby, Moogi - you are so deprived. I hear the Spud girls are ALL about the oral.

I would know nuthin about that according to Mike.

Oh and Ozy did a poem about your ass. Sorry. I had your back...side, but got distracted by some cute guy walking by.

Hungry Mother said...

There was a guy in the army with me in Texas, who tried to get out of the army on a section 8 based on his claim that whenever he went through the chow line, he wanted to run his penis through the mashed potatoes. I don't know if he was from Idaho and just showing homesickness.

Mike said...

My wife and I have very strict rules regarding cheating. If it happens withing 11 feet of our house, it is cheating. Beyond that, we are in international waters, so to speak.

Of course no one will cheat with my wife because she is mean. That works out well for me because I get a lot of sympathy sex from women who feel sorry for me for having to put up with such a mean wife.

And people always ask me how we've managed to stay together for 29 years.

Stupid question.

prin said...

"I'd SURE like to bang ya!"
Is that kind of like saying "I love ya"? Like it's half joking, but really the person is too fugly to really mean it?

Anonymous said...

LMAO...geez, I always forget not to be drinking or eating when I'm reading you moooog. God, my sides hurt. Atleast this time I went to the bathroom first...

Seriously, it can't be that bad for TOB. I mean, how many times would the guy really be able to cheat? There's 10 people livin' in Idaho, right? Hell, I don't even know where it is. :D

AngryMan said...

Legally, Moooog is correct. All states make clear that there can be no adultery if the chick is unconscious.
And who thought 200 years of just men on courts would be a bad thing.

Anonymous said...

PotAto... Potahhhto

In my sad and sorry opinion, it's only cheating if ya get caught anyway.

billymac said...

for some reason i really want to google "blah blah blah" right about now...

Tequila Mockingbird said...

dear moog,
will i go to hell if i dont wear a bra when i go grocery shopping on a wednesday and the sky is overcast?

Moooooog35 said...

Offended: Did you write this question on your potato keyboard?

Tequila: Like you need another excuse to go to Hell.

Billymac: Do it. Seriously. I don't like about Beyonce photos.

Anonymous said...

"However, I can't speak to this "oral sex" thing you mention... I'm unfamiliar with the term."


HeyJoe said...

It's now Friday. No new post. What's up, you constipated?

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Malicious Intent said...

I am so craving a baked potato with butter, chives, sour cream, bacon, chedder and grape jelly.

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