It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...
Where I put as much effort into carefully crafting thoughtful, truthful answers to your questions...
...as I do paying attention to my children.
Son: "DADDY!! DADDY!! MY EYE!! MY EYE FELL OUT!!"
Me: (turning up TV volume to HEAR OVER ALL THE SCREAMING): "Mmmhmmm. Blue."
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.
You've been warned.
Our first letter comes from The Offended Blogger (hereafter, called "TOB").
TOB hails from Idaho.
Idaho's state motto, "Got Taters?", was almost edged out by the runner-up vote-getter, "We're all bored. Send prostitutes."
I know nothing about Idaho, except the "potato" thing.
As such, I picture that everyone in Idaho:
1) Lives in giant potato houses
2) Hunts free-range potatoes with potato guns
3) Smells like dirt
Other than potatoes, I don't think there's much to do there.
As such, TOB has a lot of time on her hands to think about sh*t and ask questions...
Sergeant at prostitution bust: "So, ma'am. Are you a prostitute?"
Hooker: "Yes, I da ho."
She's actually VERY funny, and deserves a visit if you haven't read her already.
Anyway...here's her letter:
I was hoping that you could help my husband and I solve a little dispute regarding what exactly constitutes cheating in a marriage.
To me, I feel that cheating is a complex issue, and doesn't necessarily have to involve actually having sex with someone. An emotional affair is just as hurtful as a physical one, in my mind. I also believe that things like kissing, hugging and oral sex cross the line into adultery, as does watching someone else do dirty deeds on a webcam while you 'gratify' yourself.
Now, my husband believes that I am too old fashioned and he says that an affair only takes place when actual intercourse happens AND only if the two parties climax at the exact same time!
He assures me that his relationships with his secretary, our maid, our nanny, our neighbor, my sister as well as numerous webcam whores on the internet do not technically fit the "affair" category because he always orgasms long before they do.
The whole thing kind of offends me.
Am I overreacting here??
Offended in Idaho
Luckily, this was a letter.
Otherwise, any woman who actually spoke for this long would have had their words drowned out in my own thoughts midway through the second sentence.
As such, it took me 3 reads and 5 trips to the bathroom before I mustered the stamina to get through this.
But, I'm a trooper....and I'm here for you.
I may say that you've hit fairly close to home, here.
My wife, for instance, absolutely hates when I go to other people's blogs and make comments like:
"I'd SURE like to bang ya!"
"I'm attaching pictures of my testicles for your review."
Of course, it's all out of context...
...as these comments were made on the blogs, "What-to-say-to-a-nail" and "Free-Vasectomy-Consultations," respectively...
Additionally, my recent plea for naked pictures via email isn't helping my cause.
(a special "thanks anyway" shout out here to my mom for being the only one to answer me)
As such, I'm fairly sensitive to this topic.
Regardless, I believe you're right in this case.
However, I can't speak to this "oral sex" thing you mention...
...as I'm unfamiliar with the term.
I'm also torn on my decision regarding the webcam/website thing, though.
If you could please provide the actual website addresses that have these webcams, I could probably do some more research and get back to you.
I've also heard that it's not cheating if the girl is unconscious...
...but that explanation didn't work in my Federal trial, so I don't think that's correct.
On a side note...
I also see in your question that you have both a maid and a nanny.
As such, it sounds like you're pretty well loaded and set financially.
I'm sure, in Idaho, you're probably raking in at LEAST "4 figures" and are pretty much residing in the Upper Class portion of your gated "Potato Community"...
...where the double-wide spuds have less of those dreaded "potato eyes".
If this financial freedom is because of your husband, I'd suggest you just lay off him at this point.
Seriously, you don't want to see how the other half lives.
Life in a single-wide potato house is A BITCH.
You don't want to be associated with the "chip and fry" crowd.
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!
I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.
Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?
You've come to the right place.
Drop me a line.
And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Labels: Dear Moog