Popping a Bone | Mental Poo

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Popping a Bone


Sometimes, the two bones click together.

No, no…

I’m not talking about the gay porn I rented the other night.

(“Hammer Time, Part 2”)

I’m talking about my shoulder.

A few of you concerned citizens have asked how I’ve been feeling since my shoulder surgery.

In a nutshell, it’s been pretty good.

I only had to wear ice on my shoulder for a couple of days, as compared to my testicle mutilation where I had to wear ice for, like, a f*cking week while my nuts turned several shades of violet.

When you wear ice on your balls, two things happen:

1) Your balls get really, really cold

2) Because of #1, your balls disappear somewhere into the depths of your midsection...

...making your penis (which has also retreated) look like a thimble with no friends.




Although my shoulder also got cold, it remained on the top of my arm and didn’t retreat into my body to find warmth…

…leaving me to look like the bad guy from the movie, "The Fugitive".


Anyway...

It’s a bit sore, and probably will remain sore for a few weeks…

…like Pam Anderson after her marriage to Tommy Lee.

That poor, poor vagina.


The doctor actually gave me some before and after photos of my shoulder.

A warning to the timid:

These are graphic photos and not for those with a weak stomach.

My shoulder was a serious mess inside.

It was dissheveled, mangled, and barely unrecognizable as part of the human anatomy.

Here is the BEFORE photo:


Sorry. Sorry.

Here is the actual BEFORE photo:



Yeah. I have no idea what I'm looking at, either.

When I first saw them, I thought the doctor had taken a picture of his pastrami sandwich he brought for lunch.

HOWEVER, you can tell it looks much better AFTER the surgery.

Here is the AFTER photo:


Better.

Anyway...

Every so often, my family will “forget” about my shoulder and do sh*t like:

1) rub it or WHAP me on it (wife)
2) climb on me (kids)
3) stab me in it (neighbor and father-in-law)

It’s then that I’m reminded that I’ve actually had surgery.

My wife has been awesome, and – because I couldn’t extend my arm over my head for a while – bought me my first pair of “Old Man Jammies.”

These are the ones that come in a pack, with pants and a button-down shirt.

Yep.

I believe I’m gay now…

…either that, or I need to start being photographed as a Walmart Jammies model.


I walked downstairs last night in them, and my son looked at me and said:

Son: “Daddy. Why are you in a suit?”

Me: “It’s not a suit, it’s jammies.”

(looking down at his ultra-cool "Transformers" jammies...then back at my "Ward Cleaver" ensemble)

Son: “They don’t look like jammies.”

Daughter (chiming in): “They look silly.”

(my wife, realizing that she’s the only one not sh*tting on me, hits me on the shoulder)

Anyway...

Thanks to those of you for asking.

It's feeling fine.

Luckily, it’s my non-masturbating arm that was operated on.

Otherwise, “Hammer Time, Part 2” would have been a total waste of money.

20 comments:

AngryMan said...

I have those exact same pajamas (the Ward Clever ones, not the Transformers ones). Don't feel too lame.

Mike said...

Yea, I knew you liked rod ;)

moooooog35 said...

Angryman: Knowing that you have the same pajamas, how can I NOT feel lame?

No offense.

Mike: Outed!!

The Doggy Did It said...

I am not sure, but I think my husband would take one of your man cards for saying jammies.


I'm just sayin.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

wow, that's a short post for you! almost goddamn brief! but once i found out it was NOT about boners i quit reading.

sry.

Prin said...

You look sexy in your manjamas.

catscratch diva said...

You know, if your wife realllly loved you, she would have purchased those feetie pj's with the pooper hatch in the back!!!

But, I'm tickled peaches to know you're on the mend!

rs27 said...

AHHHH, Keith Richards! I will now have nightmares forever.

Blonde Goddess said...

Old man jammies are only good when being worn by men who are still capable of an erection.
That hidey hole thing in the front of the pants can be lots of fun...apparently you're new to old man jammies and are still learning about their great qualities, so I shall forgive you for making fun of them.

Becky..AMHW said...

I bought some of them old man jammies to wear at the hospital after giving birth to my last kid. Buttons mean I can whip out a boob easily and pants mean I don't moon anyone unexpectedly.

So, bonus for you. Whip out a boob and be proud.

Have you seen the photo of my tubal ligation? It looks more like George Hamilton than Keith Richards.

A Martini Always Helps said...

You make me laugh out loud.

Hungry Mother said...

I used to have a leisure suit like that. One of my colleagues called it my Martian cammos.

Mike said...

Does this mean I have to show pictures of my diseased kidney after they take it out?

I hope not. This is the kind of one ups manship I could do without.

You win.

Can I keep my kidney now?

~Brenda said...

Oh. Hmmmmm. Ya...old man pj's are ugly. No offense. But glad that your shoulder is getting better. :)

Titania Starlight said...

Poor Mooog, You have been having such a rough time.

But that before pic of your shoulder made me scream, the cat sitting on my lap clawed the shit out of me and no I must go find some alcohol and a band-aid.

Nope. Didn't happen that way. I did laugh. I accidentally threw the cat off of my lap and now she is glaring at me like Linda Blair from the Exorcist. :o)~

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, your shoulder looked pretty messed up, I can tell, I'm a Doctor.

Hick@Heart said...

Nice photos. That looks nothing like the nurse vagina I've seen on TV. Did you know your full name was at the bottom?

AngryMan said...

You son of a bitch.

moooooog35 said...

Angryman: Thanks. How do you know my mom?

Hick: HA!! Not my full name...I've carefully crafted off a mystery number of letters just to throw off the masses! I'm tricky like that.

Hot, yes. But still tricky.

Malicious Intent said...

I think the new jammies make you look more sophisticated. However, for you I am not sure what that means.

We don't wear jammies here. Against marriage contract we have.

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