Eight is Enough | Mental Poo

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Eight is Enough


So, ettarose tagged me for an “8 Random Things About You” post.

The rules are at the bottom.

Just like the Twinkies I ate yesterday…

...all at my bottom.

Squishy, squashy goodness!


Anyway…

I’m supposed to come up with 8 Random Things about myself.

This is going above and beyond my other posts:

1) My Alphabet of Pain
2) Seven Useless Facts
3) Captain Quirk


As such...you all know WAY more about me than I do about you.

And people..

...let's keep it that way.


Here we go:

1) I was voted shortest person in my High School Graduating Class my Senior Year.

This was a crowning achievement in a year filled with the following fun things:

a) Realized that I was dating a girl with missing digits
b) Got arrested for the first time (upcoming story)
c) Had sex with Lita Ford

(most of the above is true)

Below is the actual photo from my Senior Banquet…

...where you see me gleefully standing with the tallest members of the class.

Why there is no “Shortest GIRL” in the photo, I have no idea.

It’s most likely because she was a cripple and embarrassed about us climbing all over her wheelchair while spitting on her.

Good times. Good times.


Anyway…

Check out my bitchin' mullet (hey...it was the 80's).

Back then, I had more hair BELOW my ears than I do over my whole head these days.




2) Attempting to grow facial hair makes me look like I have mange.

Seriously.

It looks like I’ve randomly stuck cotton balls to my face in various positions.


HOT.

3) I can’t wear hats


My head is approximately 3 inches in diameter.

As such, any attempt to put on a hat that did not originally come from a Cabbage Patch Kid makes me look like this:


4) I would rather eat my own foot than go camping outdoors.

The last time I went camping outdoors was in the early 1990's with my wife (back then she was just my girlfriend).

Ten minutes into unpacking the tent...

...she was throwing my own shoes at me.

Awesome.

Let's rush to do this again sometime.


5) I’m afraid of heights.

Luckily, I’m short so this usually isn’t a problem for me unless I’m standing on anything higher than a step stool…

…or wearing pumps.

But I don’t stand on step stools that often.


6) Spiders make me scream like a little bitch.

I was actually reaching over to do dishes the other day when I saw a small house spider sitting on one of our coffee spoons (apparently, freaky f*cking arachnid sh*t eating disgusting f*cknuts need caffeine, too).

Me: “AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

Spider: *blink* *blink* *blink* *blink* *blink* *blink* *blink* *blink*

Note that I put 8 “blinks” for their eight eyes there.

*******************

Helpful tip to all my writer friends:

Attention to detail in your writing is EVERYTHING.

Please ignore the fact that spiders don’t have eyelids.

*******************


Anyway...

I was on a business trip in Missouri one time (Missouri state motto: “Where ARE we?”), and was standing in the reception area of the office when I saw the King Kong of all spiders.

Me: “AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

Spider: "GRROOOWWLLL!! ROOOWWWRR!!!"

Receptionist (looking at the wall):
“Ugh. ANOTHER one?”

She picks up her shoe, and hits the thing on the wall…

...leaving a splat the size of one of Oprah’s bowel movements.

Me: “Holy sh*t. What was that? Some weird giant mutant spider?”

I’m also now considering the fact that I should probably be wearing some type of HazMat suit because of the obvious presence of radioactivity here.


Receptionist: THAT? Oh…that’s just a baby. They usually get about this big.”

She holds up her hands about three feet apart.

Great.

This leads me to #7:

7) I never want to go back to Missouri

8) I have long eyelashes.

My eyelashes are so long that they usually bother me when I’m wearing glasses (which is always)...

...because they rub up against them, and make me think THERE'S A SPIDER!! THERE'S A SPIDER ON MY LENS!!!


Phew.

Anyway...

When I was a child, people always thought I was a girl.

I’m guessing it’s because of the length of my eyelashes…

…and not the fact that I was also a gigantic fat sh*t of a kid with outrageously large boy-boobs.

I’m sticking with the lashes.

It makes me feel better.

Plus, Lita Ford told me that she loved them.

Sweet.



************************

If you're interested in doing this, have at it.

I don't tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for actually playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.

This is also why I have "a list."

Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.

It's the nice thing to do.

Enjoy.

21 comments:

Mike said...

My head is three feet in diameter.

I can't find hats that fit me either.

I have a solution.

You sit cross legged on my head.

I'll have a hat.

You'll have free transportation.

Just don't fart, poo, or pee, vomit, moog, or hack up hairball.

moooooog35 said...

Thanks for the offer, Mike.

But unless I can steer, I'm not interested.

I also can't guarantee the "non-Mooge" clause in your contract.

Sitting on heads just does something for me.

The Doggy Did It said...

LISTEN...I like to eat cake in the nude! Stop taking pictures of me!


Bastards!

Mimzie said...

Wait. What? You have long eyelashes? You're afraid of spiders? You hate camping? Are you sure you're not really a woman? You should have made #8 - I have a vagina.

catscratch diva said...

You, Mooooog, were a very sexy 80's kinda fella.

moooooog35 said...

Doggy: Um...ew?

Mimzie: If this was a list of 9 things, that one would have made it.

(like I'd ever leave the friggin' house)

ettarose said...

Oh, such a good job. The pictures really completed the whole story for me. By the way, I loovvve Danny Devito!
Thank you my little conehead!

Mike said...

Nice meme...really. One major problem though:

I have been having sex with Lita Ford since birth (Mine not hers).

So either we are sharing a woman...in which case--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

or..

You are not telling the truth.

Sure way to tell if we are sharing a woman:

Next time you have sex with Lita, check out your peter after you are done. If it is covered in old man dust, I got there first.

Malach the Merciless said...

Kiss me once . .

Malach the Merciless said...

Kiss me twice . . .

Malicious Intent said...

I am kinda rolling with mimzie on this one. Not to mention you cannot handle the slightest amount of pain. Can you get testosterone treatments? Might help those bowel problems too, as your body is obviously confused.

Pretty hot dude in the 80's

What happened?

Becky..AMHW said...

I'm 5'10"

Just sayin'

Rufus said...

Lita never told me about you. But she did always have that far-away look in her eyes.
Once, when we were hat shopping, she kept muttering under her breath about how it just wasn't going to happen.
Now I understand. Truly, I do.

Jen said...

Being a female (ah-hem) I too hate spiders. I have passed this unfortunate feeling onto my 3 year old son, who now sounds like a sissy when he sees bugs. Are you his father, Moog?

mauniejames3 said...

Oh Moogy Moog...I have missed you big time....I killed a spider in Florida that was quite large...at least I think it was a spider...it
was hanging over my head while I was in bed trying to watch Dancing with the stars...my fave program...
really how short are you because I really dig long lashes....

Malach the Merciless said...

C'mon pretty baby, kiss me deadly

Smileygirl said...

Good God I love your picture stories.

Is this where you work???

Meghan said...

Great list. Now can I get my eyelash curler back?

Prin said...

You were hot in high school. Well, you know, freaky height thing excluded. :D

Goin' to catch up. *deep breath*

Hick@Heart said...

Good thing you put eight blinks on the spider because you have douche bags like me that count them as their read, "just to make sure."

moooooog35 said...

Etta: You're welcome. Now, where's my money?!?!

Mike: Thanks. I was wondering where she contracted genital warts.

Malach: Buy me dinner first. Put some Red Bull and Vodka in me and I might even give you a reach-around.

MI: Thanks for the 80's compliment. I'm not sure what happened. I blame it on that damn Nirvana song. I was doing fine until grunge came along.

Becky: That puts me damn near coochie level!

Rufus: Tell her I said, "hi" and that I miss the thing she does with her guitar neck.

Jen: Could be. If he's short for his age, then we can almost be positive.

Maunie: I'm 5'2" tall. However, because it's motorcycle season, I'm wearing my black bitch biker boots. This brings me to a nauseating 5'3" tall.

Smiley: No, I work in Hell. Thanks for asking.

Meghan: MINE! MINE! But here, you can have your Lady Schick back. I'm done with my manscaping now.

Prin: Thanks. I think. Freaky? Really? I'm freaky? (Rick James now in my head...thanks A LOT)

Hick: Like I said...it's the attention to detail that sets me apart. That, and my "freaky height thing."

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