So, ettarose tagged me for an “8 Random Things About You” post.
The rules are at the bottom.
Just like the Twinkies I ate yesterday…
...all at my bottom.
Squishy, squashy goodness!
I’m supposed to come up with 8 Random Things about myself.
This is going above and beyond my other posts:
1) My Alphabet of Pain
2) Seven Useless Facts
3) Captain Quirk
As such...you all know WAY more about me than I do about you.
...let's keep it that way.
Here we go:
1) I was voted shortest person in my High School Graduating Class my Senior Year.
This was a crowning achievement in a year filled with the following fun things:
a) Realized that I was dating a girl with missing digits
b) Got arrested for the first time (upcoming story)
c) Had sex with Lita Ford
(most of the above is true)
Below is the actual photo from my Senior Banquet…
...where you see me gleefully standing with the tallest members of the class.
Why there is no “Shortest GIRL” in the photo, I have no idea.
It’s most likely because she was a cripple and embarrassed about us climbing all over her wheelchair while spitting on her.
Good times. Good times.
Check out my bitchin' mullet (hey...it was the 80's).
Back then, I had more hair BELOW my ears than I do over my whole head these days.
2) Attempting to grow facial hair makes me look like I have mange.
It looks like I’ve randomly stuck cotton balls to my face in various positions.
3) I can’t wear hats
My head is approximately 3 inches in diameter.
As such, any attempt to put on a hat that did not originally come from a Cabbage Patch Kid makes me look like this:
4) I would rather eat my own foot than go camping outdoors.
The last time I went camping outdoors was in the early 1990's with my wife (back then she was just my girlfriend).
Ten minutes into unpacking the tent...
...she was throwing my own shoes at me.
Let's rush to do this again sometime.
5) I’m afraid of heights.
Luckily, I’m short so this usually isn’t a problem for me unless I’m standing on anything higher than a step stool…
…or wearing pumps.
But I don’t stand on step stools that often.
6) Spiders make me scream like a little bitch.
I was actually reaching over to do dishes the other day when I saw a small house spider sitting on one of our coffee spoons (apparently, freaky f*cking arachnid sh*t eating disgusting f*cknuts need caffeine, too).
Spider: *blink* *blink* *blink* *blink* *blink* *blink* *blink* *blink*
Note that I put 8 “blinks” for their eight eyes there.
Helpful tip to all my writer friends:
Attention to detail in your writing is EVERYTHING.
Please ignore the fact that spiders don’t have eyelids.
I was on a business trip in Missouri one time (Missouri state motto: “Where ARE we?”), and was standing in the reception area of the office when I saw the King Kong of all spiders.
Spider: "GRROOOWWLLL!! ROOOWWWRR!!!"
Receptionist (looking at the wall): “Ugh. ANOTHER one?”
She picks up her shoe, and hits the thing on the wall…
...leaving a splat the size of one of Oprah’s bowel movements.
Me: “Holy sh*t. What was that? Some weird giant mutant spider?”
I’m also now considering the fact that I should probably be wearing some type of HazMat suit because of the obvious presence of radioactivity here.
Receptionist: “THAT? Oh…that’s just a baby. They usually get about this big.”
She holds up her hands about three feet apart.
This leads me to #7:
7) I never want to go back to Missouri
8) I have long eyelashes.
My eyelashes are so long that they usually bother me when I’m wearing glasses (which is always)...
...because they rub up against them, and make me think THERE'S A SPIDER!! THERE'S A SPIDER ON MY LENS!!!
When I was a child, people always thought I was a girl.
I’m guessing it’s because of the length of my eyelashes…
…and not the fact that I was also a gigantic fat sh*t of a kid with outrageously large boy-boobs.
I’m sticking with the lashes.
It makes me feel better.
Plus, Lita Ford told me that she loved them.
If you're interested in doing this, have at it.
I don't tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for actually playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.
This is also why I have "a list."
Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.
It's the nice thing to do.