Kristin Lets One Rip | Mental Poo

Monday, April 14, 2008

Kristin Lets One Rip


Some things are just better left unsaid.

You may be saying this out loud, after you read the following post.

Let me explain:

My request for Guest Bloggers here at Mental Poo has led to my friend, Kristin, providing me with the following gem you're about to read.

Kristin has also provided the following fodder:

1: How to Scare a Celebrity

2: How Her Husband Got a Stinky Winky

Thanks, Kristin!!

In the end, it's simply a love story.

A gross, retina-burning, gag-reflex-inducing love story.

Here you go...enjoy.


YOU'VE BEEN WARNED

*********************

Kristin's Story (via email she sent to me):

"I had dinner with Linda after work one night.

On the way home, I started getting some MASSIVE stomach cramps.

You know the ones...

The kind that make you have to do Lamaze breathing.


I was only about 30 minutes from my house when they started...

...so I decided I could try to make it home.

Bad idea.

Bad, bad idea.


A little while later I’m now at the home stretch, in my own town...

...but the contractions are now much closer together.

I’m sweating.

Now I'm also starting to think strange things, like:

"Maybe I should pull over and run into the field. "

But I changed my mind figuring that I could probably get arrested or something for sh*tting on the side of the road.

Must. Keep it. In.


I was squeezing my butt cheeks together so hard that my ass muscles ended up hurting me for a week.


Anyway...

I was only about 10 minutes from home...

...when out of nowhere...

...it happened:

*BOOOM*

It really made a wicked *POP* sound…no lie.


TONS came out.

Tons.

And then I peed too...

...because you know that when you sh*t, piss usually comes out too.

Awesome.


So I couldn’t sit on my seat anymore because it was squishing the poop into my tooty and it hurt like someone was douching me with acid.

It was horrible.

It smelled like death.

But I never even thought once to open my window.


All I knew was that I had to watch my speed because I couldn’t get pulled over like this.

So I called my husband, Jeff, and said:

Me: "Open the garage door and get me a towel! And send our daughter to her room!”

Jeff: "Why...?"

Me: "JUST DO IT!!!"

Jeff: "What's wrong?"

Me: "I just completely sh*t my pants."

*cricket*

*cricket*

Jeff: "WHO THE F*CK DOES THAT?!?!"

(editor's note: good question here, Jeff)


So I pull into the garage and Jeff brings the towel down.

I get out of the car and look at the seat and it's just this MASSIVE puddle of brown water.

So I made it up to our bathroom and pull down my pants and all you could hear was piles of sh*t hitting the floor.

I was completely covered in it.

I had to throw my jeans away...

...and my underwear pretty much disintegrated.

(Editor's Note: I wrote about this potential poo-disintegration phenomenon back in this post...see? I KNEW it could happen!)


And, boy, did the water hurt my Va-J-J when I got in the shower.

On the bright side:

I never got an infection...

...and Jeff cleaned up my car without me even asking."


******************

Um.

Ew.

Quite a catch, eh fellas?

Hello? Hello?

Are you all still there?

Did you run away screaming?

I almost threw up WRITING IT.

See? I told you.

It's a love story.

A really, really sh*tty love story.


Um...

Thanks, Kristin.

Don't ever send me stuff like that again.

Thanks in advance.

Moog out.

34 comments:

AngryMan said...

Wifey would have to clean her own shit out of the car. I love her and all, but not that much.

Hershey said...

I'm with Angryman. I'll hold her hair as she yawns in technicolor after binge drinking. I'll help her get off the throne after having a C-Section. I'll even take a bullet for her. But a man's got to have his limits. And this is clearly the limit.

Biscuit said...

OMG, I peed my pants once because I tried to run to the bus stop when I had to go really bad. Should've gone before I left the house, late or not. But, I never told my husband because I was too embarrassed. I can't even imagine.

I laughed so hard, I wheezed, then had a coughing fit. Thanks!

Geoff said...

I stopped replying to your posts a long time ago. Reason: they were all the same (my replies, that is). They all went like this:
"Holy shit. I laughed so loud I almost got fired. thanks!"
After the 37th time I wrote that to you I realized that A: I probably wasn't getting fired any time soon and B: You probably got sick of reading it. So here's a new response from my friend Jon-

(8:13:54 AM) jon*******2: LOL if you see this guy at work give him a hug or a tug on the junk or something. hes fucking hilarious

moooooog35 said...

Angry/Hershey: I'm SO with you on this. On a side note, I have no idea who's driving that car now.

Biscuit: Pee is nothing to be embarrassed about. However, when you get one of your friends to post an entire story about your incontinence and need for a colostomy bag, you have sufficient right to be embarrassed.

Geoff: Please refrain from tugging on my junk. I don't swing that way, dude. At least now I'll know which guy you are when I pass you in the hall.

Mike said...

I just watched two girls one cup.

Speaking of poo love.

GROSS.

HeyJoe said...

SO wrong. And if that were me there would be a 4 sale sign on that car the next morning.

"two girls one cup." wtf?

catscratch diva said...

Bless her heart. She owns a good man!

Blonde Goddess said...

Mr.Man would NEVER clean me up. He would hire that job out to someone. Probably a bum on the street. He carries bottles of Wild Turkey in his vehicle just in case I call him asking for help with something that's "happened" to me.

In my own defense, I did clean myself up when I threw up down the front of my sweater while Christmas shopping. I tried to help clean up the lady I threw up on too, but she kept hitting me with her purse. Hateful bitch.

Kristen...your man is a keeper!

Becky..AMHW said...

I'm constantly told by well meaning individuals that women don't have bodily functions and they certainly don't find those bodily functions funny.

After reading this story I just want to say to those well meaning individuals that they can kiss my ass. It were funny.

Now I have to pee.

Becky..AMHW said...

Heyjoe, for your sanity, don't watch Two Girls and One Cup. I only tell you this because I care.

Hungry Mother said...

I learned something: women piss and shit at the same time. I didn't know that. My wife never shared that tidbit with me. I have to do one or the other, I can't multi-task it.

Blonde Goddess said...

No No...women don't always shit and piss at the same time. I can do one without the other.
It's an occasional thing for me...kind of like peeing yourself when you sneeze...

C.Rag said...

This is how all good German porn flicks start.

billymac said...

ummmm... i dunno if i would be so noble here. yeah, i pretty much wouldn't.

AND, i'm thinking that her car was the first incarnation of the seinfeld "B.O." car.

moooooog35 said...

CRag: Remind me to never, EVER, rent a German porno.

Billymac: If you knew her husband, then you know he has no choice but to be noble.

Regarding the simultaneous peeing while pooing: I, too, can also do this. Unfortunately, I'm usually standing at the urinal when this happens.

Michele said...

That was too funny! The whole time reading that post, Cheech and Chong kept running through my brain, "Come on cheeks stay together..." too bad hers didn't. I'm not sure if my hubby would clean the poo out of my car though. She's got herself a keeper there.

Sugarbelly said...

O.O Wow. Well, one things for sure, I'm never bored coming to your site...a little icky feeling afterwards but never bored! That's what matters right? lol But yeah, wow. I agree, she's definitely got herself keeper there!

Malicious Intent said...

The Truth! You CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! AND YOU CALL YOURSELF MENTAL POO! WUSSY POO MORE LIKE IT!
This is why women give birth, men cannot handle shit, literally.
But they sure do talk a lot of shit!

Malach the Merciless said...

Kristen rocks too bad she ain't single

The Doggy Did It said...

Well done Kristen!! I have that feeling all the time, for some strange reason that always happens to me at Walmart, and I have to go use the nasty wally toilets.

AngryGinger said...

Shit where I live too.
It's not that bad.

chris said...

Maybe some of this would help her:

http://blessedherbs.com/lp/lp_scoop.php

Good luck Kristin!

Chris

beaverboosh said...

Man if her sphincter works like that, I wonder what her G-spot pumps out!

Anonymous said...

OMG Chris!

Look at the pics on that site...it looks like intestines came out of them. Even I'm grossed out by that. LOL

-Kristin

Buzzardbilly said...

That would probably be the super-clotty menstrual poo looking somewhat intestiney, Kristin.

LMAO at your story. Your hubby has earned some serious knob slobber on your part for cleaning it up.

Teh "I Love U" poo is priceless. Wonder if there's an S-shaped one for an "Holy Shit" poo?

Naughty Lakota said...

New Wiki entry for TMI links to this post. I hear Webster is picking it up next.
~garfing noises~

sorry - i have a weak stomach.
Y a gotta admire a woman that can shit all over herself and not only laugh about it but tell the whole world.

Pentad said...

Ewww! gross, and I'm a Nurse!

HeyJoe said...

Of course after Becky's comment, I had to look up Two giris; one cup. Fortunately I read what it was about on Wiki before hand and then chose NOT to view it. That is beyond disgusting. What kind of sick fetish started that shit?

Now if you'll excuse me, I must get downn to Denny's for the early bird special before my programs come on.

upset waitress said...

This post is shit.

Linda and her Surroundings said...

I almost wet myself laughing at this one. So much so that my son wanted to read it - but instead I decided to briefly explain the content to which he said "that is disgusting".

Yeah, well, maybe. But it was funny, funny, funny.

GeologyJoe said...

that is one of the funniest posts i have ever read.

Gauche said...

OMFG!

I can't exactly write anymore...I'm just horrified....

Pete said...

That's a pretty bad story. Nothing like shitting yourself to ruin a perfectly good day. Kind of reminds me of a girl that I went to uni with, who shit herself on the dance floor. Don't drink and dance kids!

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