The Running Man | Mental Poo

Friday, April 25, 2008

The Running Man

(Alternate title: "Trying to get Johnny Laid")

Hopefully, he’s having a massive smash in BWB.

Let me explain…

First off…let me preface this by telling you that this is a rare semi-serious "Mental Poo"

...but bear with me…

...I’ll be crapping on someone by the end of it, I’m sure.


One of my buddies, John, ran the Boston Marathon this past April 21.

John is one of the nicest guys I know.

If you must know - and you must - he runs for his niece, Lina, who has Leukemia.

It’s blatantly obvious how much he loves his niece, and he has since dedicated himself to running the Boston Marathon in hopes of raising as much money as he can to try to find a cure.

To read about John (and his and Lina’s story) click here:

I don’t ask you people for much, but if you could give Johnny a hand, you can donate money for his cause (The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society) here:

I've also added a link on my left case you just want to keep on giving.


...onto crapping on John (TOLD YA!):

Last year, John ran the 26-mile marathon with his goal of breaking the four-hour mark.

Impressive goal.

His official time last year?

4 hours, 1 second.



Obviously, all us guys gave him relentless sh*t about it.

Because that’s what guys do.

We’re pricks like that.

This year, he did slightly worse at 4 hours, 13 minutes.

I know what you're saying:

"Why didn't he just let his grandmother run it for him?"

I know...I know...

It's really, truly sad.

But, when you take the distance of the marathon, and divide it by the time he completed it, you can gauge how fast John actually ran:

(b) \left ( \frac{1 + i}{1 - i} \right )^2 + \frac{1}{x + iy} = 1 + i

= 743 MILES PER HOUR!! (67.3 Liters per Gram if you're using the Metric System)

That speed's probably wrong.

I blame my calculator.


At least this year, he was faithfully back at it again.

Personally, I’m not sure if I could DRIVE the f*cking marathon in four hours.

Especially with the f*cking wheelchair racers clogging the streets…





John lives in the Boston area, is single, Italian, Catholic, and has an identical twin brother.

Here’s what this means, ladies:

1) “Single” means he’s available (or he's really, really awful in the sack)

2) “Italian” means that he eats pasta

(seriously, ladies…all you have to do is boil some f*cking water…it’s not like you have to KNOW how to cook)

This can also mean that he's really, really awful in the sack.

3) He’s not afraid of anal penetration (see “Catholic upbringing” above)

4) If you get tired of him, you can go screw his brother.

Unless you think he’s ugly…then it’s really a no-win situation either way.

Please note, though, that John has some really weird fetish with going poo and then telling people about it.

I’m not quite clear as to why.

As such, John has introduced me to the following “Going poop” gems:

1) “I gotta smash.”

2) “I have to go drop the Cosby kids off at the pool.”

3) BWB.

If you don’t know what BWB is (and neither did I), you can read all about it here.

4) “Great smash today…no breakage.”

The "breakage" thing is big with John.

I’m not sure why...

...but apparently you get extra points for dropping a loaf in one single, gigantic, Anaconda-like snake.

You also lose points if it snaps in the middle, or if it resembles kibble.

Again…I have no idea why...

...or who is actually tabulating these points.

I remember one day seeing John come out of the bathroom.

Me: “Hey Johnny…how’d it come out today?”

Without a word…and walking away with his back towards me…

He simply raised up his hands about two feet apart, and kept walking.

That’s John.

Look out, ladies!!


The true measure of a man is not how long his turd is…but how big his heart is.

(HOLY SH*T…I need to make a shirt out of that saying!!)

And, if you’ve read his dedication to his niece, you’ll see that he’s got a giant one.

His heart, that is.

No breakage there.

Nice job, John. We’re proud of you, brother.

Here are those links again.

Show my man some love. this literally, please. I have is Yahoo IM name if you need it.

Moog out.


mauniejames3 said...

John is an inspiration to us all..he and his little neice should be comended...John for trying to help...and her for being so sweet...this is so unlike you poo...but thanks for the pictures and content at breakfast....ugh

Anonymous said...

I wish I could just WALK a marathon in less than 4 days. Is THAT asking a lot? I guess so.

Anonymous said...

There's no part of me that could do a marathon, unless I could find a way to bottle my farts to propel me along.

John sounds like a true winner with a big beautiful heart. Some chickie is going to be very lucky to snare him.

Malach the Merciless said...

Yeah John, is he gay? Does he like married men?

Mike said...

He likes talking about poo?

No wonder you two get along so well!

Anonymous said...

Rodney, I wasn't expecting a post like this from you; very sweet of you to publicize an effort of this kind. I read the material at the other end of the two links; your friend John is one of those rare givers that I've come across from time to time...he's a lot like one of my maternal uncles.
I could have asked this uncle of mine for helping John, but he is at present funding the cataract operation of someone who can't pay for it...
This post was a bit embarrassing for me because I can't make a donation as of now. 42 Indian rupees make 1 dollar so for someone like me to make a substantial donation would mean tens of thousands of rupees. Anyway, the child's life is out of danger.
Don't know what else to say...

Gods bless.

Rahul said...

You should start your own dating site where men talk about poo to get women.

It will be a hit.

Going Like Sixty said...

Tip for Anaconda crap:
Duo-Core Feces Fluffer. Nice and smooooooth.

Releasing the Chocolate Hostages.

Moooooog35 said...

Maunie: You're right. He is an inspiration. Which rhymes with constipation. So that can't be him.

Mimzie/Diva: I don't even like walking to my car, let alone run a friggin' marathon.

Malach: I'm sure if you're gentle, he can make an exception.

Mike: I never put that together...but I suppose you're right. Maybe..just maybe..we're soulmates. There..that's better.

Indrani: I seriously thought you were going to say that your uncle was in need of transferring a large sum of money to the U.S from his account in Nigeria...

rs27: Isn't that what THIS site is?!

60: NICE ONE. I'm passing that along to John.

Malicious Intent said...

"The true measure of a man is not how long his turd is…but how big his heart is."

(HOLY SH*T…I need to make a shirt out of that saying!!)

Cafe press dude....easy as cake!

Sorry to hear about your friends dealing with Leukemia. We had a young man here who didn't win his fight, but it sparked a huge movement in this state, so he is with everyone in memory.

Tomorrow is our autism walk and there is this one team that showed up last year called Liam's legacy. They were 40 or 50 strong, all wearing matching Liam's legacy shirts. Liam had just passed away from a siezure four months earlier. (siezures affect about 40% of our kids and can start at any age.) It was his first and last one. The family was there and I had tears rolling down my face while putting wrist bands on all of them to enter. To close to home. I had to write the kids obit in the newsletter months earlier and the strength of this family was amazing.

Well they will be back tomorrow, in larger numbers, and I am sure I will cry again, I work directly with the mother now and she is incredible.

Good luck to your friend, I have a friend who is running for similiar various reasons to, even if she has to crawl over that finish line.

We will let you slide and be serious when it comes to stuff like this.
Good poo. Good boy.

sexyoldbroad said...

I've been in the online dating business for a long time and I couldn't have done as well as you did promoting your friend to women. I also have to say that after reading literally millions of ads, I've never read even one that said he was above all men because he didn't have breakage when he smashed.

I learn SO much on this blog.

Unknown said...

It would never work out. I'm female. We don't poop.

Josh said...

Good for John, too bad all the women so far have stated that some lady will be lucky to have him. Some "other" lady. Let's go ladies, he deserves a Mooooog style thank you. "Mrrfrrmrmrfff"

I'm partial to "Drop a deuce."

(Seriously, I can't even read the word verification below to post this comment.)

Ivonne said...

I loved this post. Not only because John is such a good man but because it reminded me of my bff (she's a girl).

Everytime she has to poo (which is ALWAYS) she lets me know. And when she comes out of the bathroom she says "It was a very productive visit!" *thumbs up* or "It wasn't very productive" *thumbs down*.

I laughed so hard at the BWB post. God, you're funny.

Gberger said...

I found your blog through Laura's "Live Happy" blog. I must say, I laughed so hard I cried, and my stomach hurt, at your friend's "Cosby kids" quote. Gross, but what a scream.

My thoughts are with his family. Our 12 year-old daughter had cancer, and passed away last year. It's a tough road for those kids, and they are such beautiful souls. Kudos to him for his dedication to helping her.

Simply Curious said...

I heard Italians have giant...toes. Single and athletic...hmm...Is he cute? Have him give me a call.

Tawnya Shields said...

You are so damn talented. Only you can start out with something serious and in the end still have us laughing. You are the best.

Anonymous said...

I can't stop laughing at the clik-click-nik-wic.. ba ha hahahahahah

That is freaking genius.

PS. I am always reading you.. I just get shy with the comments because your other readers are witty.. and I am lame.. all I do is laugh.. and LOL or ha ha ha.. you are a brilliant writer.. I could not stop reading moooog if I tried..


Anonymous said...

I sponsor a TNT bicyclist. My Mom died of leukemia so it is a cause near to my heart.

Try "launch a grumpy" on for size. Not exactly sure of the origins, but that one was popular in college.

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