Dear Moog: 42 Metrosexuals on the Wall... | Mental Poo

Friday, May 23, 2008

Dear Moog: 42 Metrosexuals on the Wall...


It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where I put as much thought and effort into crafting the perfect answer...

...as Paris Hilton does in securing her reputation as a wholesome, shining example of intelligence and humility.

So, yeah...

...not so much.


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Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.
***********************


Our letter today comes from Anonymous Idiot.

Dear Moog,

What the hell is it with all of the European dudes looking like the queer eye guys? Plus they carry man-purses. Please help an idiotic American understand. Also, can you tell me why the meaning of life is 42?

A confused but Anonymous Idiot


***********************

Dear Idiot,

First off, thanks for writing.

I haven’t had any really good questions for weeks…

...and based on your letter it appears that this streak is going to continue.

*sigh*


Regardless…

Question 1: "What the hell is it with all of the European dudes looking like the “Queer Eye” guys? Plus they carry man-purses."


I have to tell you I’m a little perplexed, as I’ve never seen this “Queer Eye” show that you speak of.

As such, I can’t tell you why all the European guys resemble Ted Allen, Kyan Douglas, Thom Filicia, Carson Kressley or Jai Rodriguez.

Oops.

Busted.

Or…as that wacky Carson would say:

“Well shove that balled-up fist in my ass and call me Sally!”

Okay. Maybe he doesn’t say that.

On TV.


Anyway…

I hadn’t noticed that European guys looked like flamboyantly gay men.

Frankly, if I see anyone vaguely resembling a gay man (read: SUPER HOT), I usually avert my stare, run away, and then spit loogies while grabbing my balls.

Then I try to have sex with women.

You know…reaffirm my manhood.

I’m really tolerant like that.


Actually, I used to work with a guy that carried a man-purse.

Endless teasing.

Lots of fun.

I highly recommend it.

Question 2: "Also, can you tell me why the meaning of life is 42?"


I thought you actually made this one up.

Until I Googled it.

Because I found this:

The answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.

Apparently, this is pulled from some book I’ve never read (I only read books with pictures).

As such, there was too much text even in this definition to bother with.

Honestly....I'm lucky I finished reading the f*cking title.


So, I’ll give you my own answer.

Most of my work in finding this answer is already done for me…

..by Rolling Rock beer.

They, of course, have whittled down the mystery of the universe to the number “33.”


If you do the math, you’ll find that the difference between the two answers (42 and 33) is:

(I’ll do this longhand so you can follow along)


The answer is 47!!

Wait…wait…

...forgot to carry the 1.

The answer is 9!!

As we all very well know, when you say “9,” you’re essentially saying “No” in German.

Nine = Nein = No

As such...

The answer to "Life, the Universe, and Everything else" is:

“No.”

Women have known this forever.

You should have just asked one of them.


*****************


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

23 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

Ok, now I am taking this personally...You passed me over again! Do I have to go to Dear Abbey???? WTF? I want my money back....you know the money I left on your dresser and you were not even worth the $1.56 I left on there!

Where the hell is my advice?

Sassy said...

I remember in my one college subject that we took the story why the answer to life is 42, where our instructors asked us why? Until now, I still don't know the answer...

moooooog35 said...

MI: Jesus, Woman...I do these In order in which they are received.

You're next...followed by the longest question on the history of the planet by BuzzardBilly.

I'll put yours up next week...I promise.

Sassy: What?!? I gave you the answer RIGHT THERE. You're a woman, right? You should have known this all along.

I'm guessing you aced the class. Or at least banged the professor. Let us know...include details. Thanks in advance.

The Doggy Did It said...

Interesting theory. I am surprised that you had not even seen the movie...my husband loves that stupid movie, and makes me watch it whenever it comes on.

Hungry Mother said...

Nice equations. I stiffened a little when I saw them.

C.Rag said...

No wonder Tom Brady lost the SuperBowl.

Buzzardbilly said...

Ohh, yay Malicious Intent for asking the question! I'm second next!

Whatchumean longest question in the history of the planet? It was a short question with a long lead-in. Really, I could come up with a much longer question if you wish.

catscratch diva said...

And I thought I had problems with female blue balls... much better than a mid-life crisis!

JD said...

so the whole 42 thingy

just go see the movie "hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy"

i would say the book was better

but

it wasn't

meleah rebeccah said...

Hilarious.

moooooog35 said...

Doggy: Nope. Never seen it. And, now that I know the answer...I don't have to. See how easy that is!!

Hungry: Um...ew?

C.Rag: Tom Brady didn't lose the Superbowl. He chose not to win it this year. You know...share the wealth a little. Plus, I believe his man-bag is carrying Payton Manning's balls...Hell...they have to be SOMEWHERE.

Buzzard: Listen. When a question runs longer than MY posts...there's a problem. I may have to trim out the middle seven paragraphs.

Catscratch: Yes...we all envy you.

JD: Is there nudity? Otherwise, it just sounds f*cking stupid.

Meleah: I aim to please. Most times, I miss and shoot someone in the back of the skull.

Blonde Goddess said...

Yeah...well I'm sending you a question today. There is something I've been wondering for a long time.I think you're the only man up to the task of giving me an answer I can live with...

Malach the Merciless said...

9 = Malach

Tequila Mockingbird said...

the chick on juggs looks like me. sorta kinda.

Drowsey Monkey said...

I'm so glad I'm not a guy.

Paris Hilton said...

I love metrosex! That's where you do it in a, um, er.... metro right?

Mike said...

Perhaps this is a question I should email you, but your post reminded me of something. My wife never says Nein. Not only does she never say nein to me, she never says it to anyone.

Is this a problem?

I wonder now if I should have a paternity tests on all of my kids and not just the one that I know belongs to the mailman.

Linda and her Surroundings said...

JUGGS!JUGGS! Is there really a magazine called Juggs? That is so funny.

Malicious Intent said...

I think metrosexual just means a guys takes a shower, shaves, maybe puts on some nice smelly stuff and trims his fingers nails. I cannot stress to you guys enough about trimmed finger nails and stubble free faces. They can really ruin a romantic evening. So if that is metrosexual, I love it.

AngryMan said...

I think there are some holes in your logic.

PracticallyJoe said...

I can't understand why some still associate men carrying "man purses" as someone who might be gay. Until this rule of thought changes, I guess I will have to just stick with my fanny pack. (too bad though, those man purses could hold so much more)

Prin said...

Your wisdom is endless. I have to think of a good question.. This may take a while.

Got a pen in your man purse?

angel said...

mwaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaaaa...
love your work dude!
and i cannot believe you haven't read the hitchihilers guide?!

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