Hell Hath No Fury... | Mental Poo

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Hell Hath No Fury...

Something I learned last night, and which I will now share with my readers...

How to royally PISS OFF YOUR WIFE.

For me, this is usually par for the course...

...but I found a new way to do it last night.


******************* cut here *********************

Five easy steps to PISSING OFF YOUR WIFE:

1) Watch sports on a different TV while your wife diligently watches or Tivo's every episode of "American Idol."

I stopped watching American Idol during the double-whammy back-to-back tragedy of

a) Ruben Studdard beating Clay Aiken


b) Carrie Underwood beating Bo Bice and THEN not taking her top off during the finale.


2) Figure out which singer your wife wants to win in the finale.

I knew there were two finalists named "David."

David Cook:

and David Archuleta:

That's pretty much all I knew.

I had NO idea which one my wife wanted to win.

Until just before the show.

Wife: "David Cook had better win. David Archuleta is such a f*cking faggot."

Yep. That's my wife.

Everyone...SING ALONG!!!:

"...but she's always a woman to me...."

So...my gut feeling here said that she wanted David Cook to win.

3) Finish watching the Red Sox win their sixth game in a row (SUCK IT, YANKEES!) while your wife goes upstairs to watch the last ten minutes of the finale.

4) Switch over to "American Idol" to watch who wins it before heading upstairs to the bedroom where my wife is.


David Cook wins.

Big f*cking deal.


My wife should be happy.

Hmmm...That's interesting. ...

I don't hear her clapping.

5) Head upstairs, and walk into the bedroom where your wife has the Red Sox post-game on.

6) Announce:

Me: "So...are you happy that your guy won?"

Wife (angry): "UGH. What's wrong with this thing?!?! I haven't been able to get this cable box to stop turning on and off. It won't change the channel."


7) Realize, to your horror, that she hasn't seen who's won yet because of a problem with the cable box...

...and you pretty much just told her.

Wife: "..I hate this fri...WAIT. WAIT. DID YOU JUST TELL ME WHO WON?!?!?!"


******************* cut here *********************

So...she's SCREAMING PISSED at me because she dedicated herself to this entire season...

...I watched a total of five minutes of the finale...

...and then ruined the surprise for her.

As such I had to sit through THIS when she finally got the show playing:

Ryan Seacrest: "I like it in the ass given to me by a train of men!"

...wait...he probably DID say that...but not on stage...

Ryan Seacrest: "..The winner...and the next American Idol is..."

Wife: "Gee. I wonder who wins. The suspense is killing me. You're SUCH an asshole."


This morning...I came downstairs...

Me: "Still mad at me?"


Wife: "I'm plotting my revenge."


Ladies...stay tuned for a Mrs. Moog special Clip-N-Save section about how to kill your husband.

I'll be watching the Sox.


Moooooog35 said...

Mike: Sorry...I forgot that other countries don't have "American Idol."

However, I know they have similar shows:

Canada: "So you want to be Brian Adams."

Europe: "Sing without an Accent!"

China: (squiggly characters)

Middle East: "Fatwa Jihad American Imperialist Scum Idol"

Hope that helps.

Unknown said...

Yeah I stopped watching after that season too...it is pretty much the same show every year, and Paula irritates the shit out of me.

You better go buy your wife something nice. Like a big bottle of Demerol.

Buzzardbilly said...

In this house, it didn't matter which of the David's won because neither of them will go on to play for the Bosox. Mhm.

BTW, that's not a suggested line to get you out of trouble with the wife. Matter of fact, I think that might add to your troubles if you said it.

Mike said...

After a couple hundred years of marriage, I learned that it is fun to piss off my wife. I kind of live for it.

It's just not good to piss off your girlfriend too.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

first of all, you are a tool for watching american idol... i just needed to get that out there.

second of all, in case you didnt know, you're more likly to get a blowjob if you keep your wife happy.... sounds like it's time to go to the florist!

Anonymous said...

See, now this is helpful. I was running out of ways to piss off/annoy my wife. And though she doesn't watch American Idol, I have the feeling this might be adaptable to other shows, like "Project Runway," which I will tune into occasionally just to watch Heidi Klum.

Anonymous said...

American Idol sucks big donkey balls and I'd have rather been watching the game myself.

I watched AI once in 2004, glorified karoake. Whatever.

Anyway, I'm waiting anxiously for the upcoming clip 'n' save, will save me alot of time in my plotting.

Moooooog35 said...

Doggy: I have a few Rohipnol left from my college days...will that work?

Buzzard: Point taken...and, again, YANKEES SUCK.

C.Rag: No invites or taping? Maybe the one time where I'll condone the beating of a woman. Maybe. Okay..maybe not...but it's close.

Mike: You need to start your own advice column, my friend. Just don't tell your wife about it.

Tequila: I've been called worse things than a tool. You need to bring your A-game (be gentle, I bruise easy).

Plus, my wife hates flowers (lucky me) - which means I'm now off to the jewelry store (AGAIN). Extra bonus...she's allergic to everything except gold.

Wolf: Just wait til "Project RunAway" comes out (porn article from yesterday). Must-watch TV.

Catscratch: It was a moment of weakness and morbid curiosity. I'll be paying for this for weeks. I've learned my lesson.

Blonde Goddess said...


I don't watch American Idol. I had no idea that the Carrie Underwood chick was on that show. Little did I realize how informative your posts are.
By the way...did you watch the Red Sox game with the high five and throw out by Manny?

What an orgasm!

Moooooog35 said...

Blonde: Yes..the Yankees DO suck. Apparently, everyone knows this except for Yankees fans...who are apparently on crack. And..yes..I'm from New England. It's a law up here that (a) you own 17 individual pieces of Red Sox memorabilia and (b) you watch or listen to (or hear about) every game.

Heyjoe: You're not the only one not watching. I'll meet you at Chili's and we can have a beer.

Rahul said...

People still watch American Idol after the Carrie Underwood no breast revealing incident?

For shame.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Should I find this post arousing? God, I'm freaky.

I did not watch American Idol. I did not watch sports. We have one TV hooked up to cable and we watched Top Chef. Top Chef was having restaurant wars and Anthony Bourdain judged. He and Tom Collicchio are yummy. Padma is also yummy.

I know what's important. Dale got told to pack his knives and go. Eat that biatch!

Hungry Mother said...

No American Idol for me or my wife, since I am the Master of the Remote. One thing I don't need advice on is how to piss off my wife, since I am constantly on her sh*t list.

Moooooog35 said...

rs27: Preaching to the choir, my brotha...preaching to the choir.

Becky: I'm not sure what's more disturbing: (a) that you find this arousing, (b) that you don't watch sports or (c) you have ONE TV HOOKED TO CABLE.

ONE?!?!? Isn't there a Federal law or something that says you have to have at LEAST two or three TV's hooked to cable?!

Hungry: Hey..master of the remote. Please don't tell me that you only have one TV too. Has the world GONE MAD?!?!

HeyJoe said...

Hungry Mother's a dude? As in Hungry Mutha?

Moooooog35 said...

HeyJoe: Yes. HungryMother is a guy.

For additional reference, BuzzardBilly is a chick.

I know...it's confusing.

This is how I got arrested in Vegas that one time.

billymac said...

i too think american idol sucks large testicals... huuuuge sweaty, nasty, fromunda-cheese-havin testes.

i've also made a sport out of pissing off the better half... the trick is to tick her off but still end up gettin some.

HeyJoe said...

Thanks Moog. Always like to know what folks are packin'

Brittany said...

Hey on my other blog I made a post just for you with cheerleaders! Enjoy!


AngelConradie said...

heh heh... i do hate spoilers- but yours was accidental, though you could have let her watch it on a functional tv!

Blonde Goddess said...

You know Moog...that explains a lot. I am from Maine..(a Maine-iac) and I TOO feel obligated to wear a Red Sox thong and fantasize about a massive Red Sox team flesh pile with me smack dab in the middle of it...

It's scary how much we are alike...

HeyJoe said...

So...BG...I've go a Red Sox jersey..and well, maybe you want to get a cup of coffee or something..

Malach the Merciless said...

I am sending a Jedi Mind Trick to the wife via the internet right now.

deporteando la vida said...

pasé a visitarte, me gustó mucho tu blog.
Qué disfrutes una preciosa nochecita.


Anonymous said...

You should have just told her David won.

Blonde Goddess said...

heyjoe...I drink coffee...just one jersey though? I don't know....I had my heart set on a Red Sox man thong.

linda said...

You meant well. That is what counts. Just don't do it again.

I love spoilers. I like to feel prepared. In control.

Chickie said...

Sweety hates to read but he likes to read the last pages of books that I'm reading. Just to taunt me by knowing the ending. Bastard.

Moooooog35 said...

Billmac: You put waaaay too much effort into describing balls. Just sayin'.

HeyJoe: I'm here to help. Beware the sausage.

Mrs. Greer: I saw - thank you. Things are starting to make sense to me again.

Angel: Meanie?! Watch it, lady...this is a family show and we won't have people using f*cking words like that here.

BG: Um. Actually. When you bring up the 'flesh pile' thing...turns out...we're not so much alike.

HeyJoe: It's like "Blind Date - Crappy Edition!"

Malach: Just don't interrupt us...we hate being interrupted during bukkake.

Deportalalalala: Um...Gadzhuntheit.

I have no idea what you wrote. I put it into Babelfish and got this:

"holis I passed to visit art, liked much your blog. What benefits a precious night. Little kisses RESPECT AND PEACE!"

So...Holis and besitossss to you back!

Upset: DAMMIT! Where were you when I needed you!?

BG: Seriously...you and Joe need to get a room.

Linda: It says the exact same thing about you in the men's room, too. Kidding!! I kid!! Actually..going to write that there now...

Chickie: Yes. Men suck. (now..to just the men: we rock!)

Practically Joe said...

My wife and I watched the entire season of Idol, like anything else we watch most of the programs are recorded using out Comcast DVR cable box. My wife was so pissed at me that night ... NO ... it wasn't because I forgot to DVR it ... We watched as usual ... But wouldn't you fn know it ... It cut out exactly at the spot Seacrest says ... "And your new American Idol is (pause) ..." ... that's when the DVR asked "Delete" or "Do Not Delete" ... My wife turns to me and says ... "You're supposed to be the fn Master of the Remotes, WTF! You know you have to add recording time to the live broadcasts!" ... Hey, I missed it too! This really happened ... I bet it happened to many others as well (or am I the only stupid ass?)

AngryMan said...

It was good knowing you, Mooooog.

Anonymous said...

I've definitely been there and done that!

Anonymous said...

The child with colour on his cheek resembles Indian children when they play during the Indian festival of Holi, by sprinkling powder colours on each-other.

Nice photo :-)

prin said...

You should have ended it with, "Well, sorry, but it was a stupid show anyway." The girls love that.

weirdtales said...

That's hilarious! My wife watches Soaps, Dancing with the Stars. Project Runway, & American Idol.
I stay away & blog or watch anything on History, Travel, Discovery, NatGeo, and sometimes TLC. I know not to piss her off and we get along fine on our own floors.

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