Dear Moog: Bad Advice Wanted | Mental Poo

Friday, May 30, 2008

Dear Moog: Bad Advice Wanted


It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where I take as much time carefully crafting my responses to your letters...

...as I do in delicately painting my penis to look like a lighthouse when I'm taking a bath.

"LOOK OUT FOR THE ROCKS, MR. SPEEDBOAT!!"


**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.
***********************


Our letter today comes from Malicious Intently:

Dear Moog,

I really want some bad advice, and I know you can provide it. But to be honest, I am not really sure what kind of bad advice I should be asking for.

I mean there are just SO many directions I/You can go. I am really lost here and need your help.

I am a Libra, we are horrible decision makers.

Can you give me any advice on asking for bad advice? Or just some totally awesome ass sucking advice?


Much love and loathing...
M.I.

***********************


Dear MI:

Well, baby...you've come to the right place.

My middle name is "Bad Advice."

Actually...my middle name is "Joseph".

Let's take a moment to dissect that...

I found this site to help me:

The boy's name Joseph \j(o)-se-ph\ is pronounced JOH-sef. It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "Jehovah increases".

THANK CHRIST that last word is "increases" and not "witnesses."

Otherwise, right now I'd be banging on doors wearing a wool suit in 90 degree f*cking heat...

...getting threatened with knives by crazy men wearing only flip-flops and a sombrero.

Um...

Is it only me that does that?


Anyway...

I hope that answers your question.

Oh yeah...where to get bad advice.

Well, MI...it depends on the TYPE of advice you're looking for.

To get the best bad advice for a specific topic, you just need to know where to look.

Advice on Sobriety:
1) Lindsay Lohan
2) Tequila Mockingbird
3) Anna Nicole Smith*
4) A threesome involving all of the above*

*pre-death Anna Nicole Smith


Advice on Parenting:
1) Britney Spears
2) Britney Spears' mom
3) In a few months, Jamie Lynn Spears
4) A threesome involving all of the above


Advice on Sex

1) Me

Advice on Fashion
1) Bjork
2) Al Qaeda
3) Barry


Advice on Health and Fitness
1) John Goodman
2) Any woman with back-fat
3) Chris Farley*

*pre-death Chris Farley


I think that covers it, MI.

Hopefully, you have a few places now that you can go for Bad Advice.

If you don't like the answer, I have another place you can go.

Enjoy!!

And...you're welcome.

*****************


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

20 comments:

mauniejames3 said...

Hi mighty moog.......
I was just wondering..A homeless man I'd guess to be about seventy asked me to run away with him...
He has no money..is blind in one eye...drinks and drugs...is dirty beyone belief...but thinks for a fat lady I don't waddle too much..
He asked me to take all my charge cards and my new Toyota (well it's a year old)....what does the mighty moog suggest? Should I go?

The Doggy Did It said...

Hey, my husband says that back fat is sexy on a woman....He likes it when I wear bacon too.

billymac said...

and to think, all this time, i've been asking priests and guidance counselors for bad advice... what a waste, i could have been asking moooooooooooooooog all along.

Blonde Goddess said...

$85 an hour? Hmm...well sadly that won't happen. Mainly because I fixed it on my own. BUT...there's still hope for you. I guess you didn't see my request for ten grand and an erection or you'd already know that.

rs27 said...

Chris Farley was actually Andre the Giant's trainer.

True story.

Ok, not really.

meleah rebeccah said...

awww... chris farley.... I was sad when he died.

GeologyJoe said...

thats extra funny because today there is a mass gathering of Jehovas Witnesses in Portland today.
I have have been watching them graze around town like sheep all day.

Mike said...

I only get advice about drinking from Tequila Mockingbird. I didn't realize she also offered advice about not drinking.

Learn something new every single day.

moooooog35 said...

Maunie: Run away with him. What time should I pick you up in my cardboard box?

Doggy: You wear bacon?!? Lucky man.

Billymac: ...and now you know. I'm all about the crappy tips.

Blonde: Hey...I tried.

rs27: Fascinating, really. OK, not really.

Meleah: me too...me too...but then came David Spade up all on his own!!

GeoJoe: hey...did you realize that you're almost GI Joe? GeoJoe to the Rescue! Sorry...what?

Mike: You're not paying attention...BAD advice. She's perfect for that on sobriety!!

Crystal said...

I'm a little creeped out. I think the guy with the "Bad Advice $1" sign lives in my neighborhood.

I always knew I lived in the Ghetto.

Malicious Intent said...

Thank you oh great and powerful Poo! You have shown me the light and your wisdom shines through showing me the way.....probably to hell, but hey...what can you expect for free, right?

Lakota said...

oh Moogi, you give the bestest baddest advice of anyone i know. why does that make me hot? errr... don't answer that.

wolf said...

Okay, I'm confused. Are you giving good advice about where to get bad advice? Or bad advice about where to get bad advice? Or bad advice about good, or...

/head asplodes

mauniejames3 said...

No cardboard box for me moog...we are buying a shed and putting it up in the woods of NH...quite near your home and we expect you to be generous with leftovers...see you soon...

Prin said...

Where can I get bad advice about making my blog clean and classy?

hehe...

Sleep Aid said...

Poor Chris Farely :(. I miss that guy and his stupid comedy.

PracticallyJoe said...

I have to tell you ... you are very wise ... those were practically the best sources of bad advise ever ... you also got me thinking about changing my name to "Practically Joseph"

Meghan said...

Mental note, drunk dial you for sex advice. Thanks, Moooog!

Crystal said...

I have some Bloggy Bling for you over at Memoirs of a Mommy

Baba Doodlius said...

I am just glad you didn't recommend getting advice from a threesome involving John goodman, a woman with back fat, and Chris Farley (before or after death). I don't think I could have taken the mental imagery.

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