He watches way too much TV.
My son. My four year old son.
We took a ride into Boston a couple of Sundays ago, just to get the Hell out of the house.
Because parking in Boston is as much fun as watching your balls light on fire during a vasectomy, we usually take the subway in.
About halfway there, I announced:
Me: "Well, we're almost at the subway!"
Up pipes my son:
Son: "Subway. Eat Fresh."
Jared would be so proud.
Four years old, and already a pitch man.
My wife and I looked at each other and started laughing.
I offered up this:
Me: "I think someone back there watches WAY too much TV."
Son (sighing): "I really need a girlfriend."
No idea where he got that. But it was a full 5 minutes before my wife and I could speak again from laughing.
When we got into Boston, we started walking towards Faneuil Hall.
On the way, there's the New England Holocaust Memorial. To get to Faneuil Hall, you either walk BY it, or walk THROUGH it.
We chose to walk through it.
To preface this, let me tell you that my kids LOVE the Indiana Jones movies.
Now, I watch it with them...and have told them that the Nazis were VERY BAD people. This was my chance to show them HOW bad.
Me: "Kids...remember how I said the Nazis killed a lot of people for no reason?"
Me: "Each number you see represents one person that the Nazis killed. That's a lot of people, huh?"
Kids: "All these people? Wow."
Entrenched with the feeling that I imparted some useful knowledge with my kids, we began walking through the memorial.
That's when my son...
...who has no idea how to use a low voice...
Son: "THE NAZIS KILLED ALL THESE PEOPLE?!"
Me: "shhh...yes. Yes they did."
Son: "THE NAZIS FROM INDIANA JONES? WAS IT THOSE NAZIS?!?"
More people turn.
ALL of them are, like: "WTF?!?!"
Wife: "Make him stop yelling the word 'Nazis'."
Me: "SSHHHH. Well..not THOSE Nazis, but yes, Nazis."
We walk a little further.
Son: "I CAN'T BELIEVE THE NAZIS KILLED ALL THOSE PEOPLE."
We're attracting a crowd at this point.
Wife: "OH MY GOD...MAKE HIM STOP TALKING."
I've lost control of my son at this point. He apparently cannot stop saying the word "Nazi."
My wife is giving me the wicked stink-eye.
No nookie tonight.
Me: "Okay, Cam..that's enough."
Son: "NAZIS NAZIS NAZIS NAZIS"
Okay, so he didn't say, "Nazis Nazis Nazis" but I COULD NOT get him to stop saying the word at the top of his lungs.
The last thing he said before I demanded he stopped was this:
Son: "I know who defeated all the Nazis."
Wife: "SERIOUSLY?!?!? MAKE HIM STOP."
Me: "You do?"
Son: "Yep. God. He came out and melted them all."
Ah...Indian Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Me: "Well..um...okay. Let's not talk about this anymore."
And he stopped.
Comfortable in the knowledge that the Nazis were defeated by a guy with a hat, a whip, and a big gold box.
He really needs a girlfriend.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008