Dear Moog, The "Blue Balls" edition. | Mental Poo

Friday, May 16, 2008

Dear Moog, The "Blue Balls" edition.


It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where I answer your questions as honestly as I can.

Just like I do when strippers ask me what I do for a living.

Seriously, Cinnamon...

I AM a Plastic Surgeon during the day...

...and I save Harp Seals from slaughter at night.

It's in my nature to be both smart AND helpful.

Now...

WHERE'S MY LAP DANCE, BITCH?!


**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.
***********************


Our first letter comes from Catscratch Diva.

Dear Moooooooooooooog,

Since women don't have balls, I am wondering what the female equivalent to BLUE BALLS might be. Any insight?

With many thanks in advance,

Catscratch Diva


***********************

Dear Catscratch,

This is an excellent question.

I had no idea that sexual deprivation was actually possible for women...

...since they pretty much hold the cards (when I say "cards" I mean "vagina") and can literally walk onto any street corner and get it whenever they want.

I know this because I'm usually at those same street corners paying for it.


But I digress...

I can hereby offer the following terms for women who have that "Blue Ball Feeling" (Trademark Pending).

(also, a special shout-out here to Crayola for providing input)

Here we go:

"BLUE BALL" EQUIVALENT TERMS FOR WOMEN:

1) Aquamarine Areola

2) Violet Vagina

(um...this can also be a sign of overuse)

3) Turquoise Taint

4) Lavender Labia

5) Copper Clitoris

6) Raw Umber Uterus


There you go.

You're welcome.

On a side note, if any of you ladies out there actually HAVE lady parts that ARE these colors, please go to WebMD.com immediately...

...as you're probably dying...

...or at least contagious.


Also, call the last guy you banged.

He really should know the true reason why he currently has a Periwinkle Penis.

*****************


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

16 comments:

AngryMan said...

Only redheaded women experience what men call blue balls. It happens to redheads if they go more than ten hours w/o some sort of sexual contact. It's brutal, man, brutal. I need rest!!!

Hungry Mother said...

Very illuminating. I'm wondering what color the mons veneris would be in this context?

moooooog35 said...

Angry: You know...I've been job hunting. Maybe this would be my foray into a new career path. Redheaded Husband Reliever.

Hungry: ...the wha...?

C.Rag said...

Mooooog35,
I will be sending you my number.
I need a Redhead husband reliever.

Pusher Robot said...

well, color me educated!
the information gathered here is always insightful and useful in everyday life! how people get through their daily lives without it i will never know!

catscratch diva said...

Wow. And now I know why my va-ja-ja is a lovely shade of lavendar.

You should really work for WebMD.

Thanks, Doll.

Jen said...

I am so glad I am the only one in my office this morning. I can't stop laughing.

Thank you so much for your advice to catscratch, Moog. Now I know why my hotpocket is Li-lack-ofuse.

Hungry Mother said...

Sorry, the "Mound of Venus."

Tequila Mockingbird said...

dear moog,
weve all heard about how short you are, BUT have you ever had to stand on a stool to rail some taller chick?

moooooog35 said...

C.Rag: Please refrain until after you pop out the kid. That just freaks me out.

Pusher: You're welcome. I don't know how other people survive without my wisdom, either. Stupid bastards.

Catscratch: WebMD rejected my resume EVEN WITH this post attached. I know...a real head scratcher.

Jen: you're welcome. Hotpocket, huh? Nice term. It's going to put a totally new spin on the commercials.

Hungry: Dude. I clicked on the link. Not really sure what I'm looking at. Heading to WebMD now for clarifica...OOOOH. So THAT'S what it looks like.

Tequila: I don't recall ever having to do that. However, when I was younger, I did have a big fatty...which felt like I was on a teeter-totter (not much fun and couldn't wait to get off). It also felt like sticking a pin in a pumpkin...but that's more a testament to my mini-Twix bar.

Malicious Intent said...

Where the hell is my advice? You little bastard! I asked for bad advice, and I get NADA!!

I want my money back...the money I left on your dresser.

moooooog35 said...

MI: What?! When?! Where?!

Great...now I sound like Vinny Barbarino.

Repost your question...or send it to the link above. Hey...small head...not a lot fits into it. Thoughts tend to fly right out.

Mike said...

My hand turns that burnt umber color occasionally. Apparently my hand has the sex drive of a red head.

Malach the Merciless said...

Red Snapper . . .

Meghan said...

Dang, you're onto us redheads...

Prin said...

No blue ovaries? That's what I call it.

omg, this word verification is like 347 letters long. Is this comment really worth it?

Nope.

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