I managed to escape Jackson, Mississippi with my life, and return home to the relative calm of New Hampshire.
Just for a quick comparison:
New Hampshire's motto: "Live Free or Die"
Mississippi's motto: "You GONNA die"
Five things I learned from my trip:
1) Never trust Google's hotel ratings
The sh*thole I stayed in was rated as four stars on Google:
After being there personally, I can see this place ONLY being a four-star rating if the total number of stars you could get was 500 million.
2) Don't piss off the motel desk clerk
Here's how my check-in conversation went.
Me (disgusted): "I didn't realize this was a MOtel...I thought they booked me into a HOtel."
Lady clerk: "Say what?! This ain't no MOTEL."
(say in a "Oh NO YOU DI'NT!!" voice for best effect).
Me: "A hotel has it's room doors on the inside. A motel has them on the outside. That's the difference. This is a motel."
Clerk: "Here's your key."
3) Pissed off lady motel clerks are crafty
Three minutes after the above took place:
Me (coming back into lobby): "I need a new room."
Lady MOTEL clerk: "Why?"
Me: "There's hot air coming out of the air conditioner and the room smells like pee."
Then (I swear)...she laughed.
She booked me into the "hot urine room" on purpose.
I hate travel.
4) I now know why Mississippi was ranked as the number one state for obesity and unhealthiness
You know how in hotels (sorry...MOtels, too), they give you the list of "Local Restaurants?"
Well...here's what mine said (I am not making this up):
2) Taco Bell
5) Kentucky Fried Chicken
I also saw a "Bojangles Fried Chicken" on the way to the job site.
That makes three fried f*cking chicken places in a 1/2 mile radius.
Seriously...How much Goddamn fried chicken can you fat sh*ts take?
8) Waffle House
9) Domino's Pizza
10) Papa John's Pizza
..then..also on the "local restaurant" list...
11) Sunrise Liquor Store
I guess liquor has grain in it...which kind of makes it like cereal...which I guess allows this place to be considered a restaurant.
If I lived there, I would end up looking like this:
5) Always try to end your trip on a good note
Good things DID happen to me.
For starters, my last leg home was upgraded to First Class.
Hooray for me!!
Unfortunately, it was a red-eye, so I slept through the whole f*cking thing and didn't enjoy it
(nope..missed the drinks, the pillows, the hot towels..the whole shebang).
However, I sat next to a soldier on that flight.
He was in camouflage, so I'm assuming he was a soldier.
Either that, or he was doing a really, really bad job trying to hide...because I could see his hands.
Me, being the anti-social prick that I am, didn't talk to him. As such, I had no idea if he was coming or going or just dressing up.
When we got off the plane, I was following behind him to the lobby of the airport.
There, greeting him at 1 o'clock in the morning, was a HUGE crowd of people.
They had banners, flowers, balloons...they were all clapping and cheering and jumping.
I'd never seen anything like it in person.
This guy was coming home.
I stopped to clap, too...I was really happy for him.
It was then that I heard it:
His little daughter, probably about 2 years old, came bolting out of the crowd straight and bear-hugged him.
Awesome, awesome moment.
Had my tear ducts not been all dried up from crying alone in the bathroom of my motel for the past two days out of sheer terror...
...I would have probably started welling up right then and there.
Hell...I'd only been gone for two days, and my kids attacked me when they saw me this morning like it's been ages since I left.
Granted...they attacked me with knives and a homemade shiv...but, whatever.
I CANNOT imagine what life is like for his kids.
Here's the article of the soldiers coming home to New Hampshire from Afghanistan.
The guy on my flight was Captain Dan Ouellet. His name is at the bottom of the article. A mix-up of his orders got him on my flight instead.
Welcome home, Captain.
So - yeah, Mississippi sucked more ass then Jenna Jameson...
...and if I ever go there again it will have to be in a f*cking body bag because there's NO WAY I'm volunteering to put my life in my hands again.
Like that soldier does.
I wish I'd talked to him, now.
I'd tell him "thanks."
...and he's going to sleep now...without the fear of gunfire outside my door.
Thursday, May 15, 2008