The Jackson Five (Mississippi - The Epilogue) | Mental Poo

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Jackson Five (Mississippi - The Epilogue)

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack.


I managed to escape Jackson, Mississippi with my life, and return home to the relative calm of New Hampshire.

Just for a quick comparison:

New Hampshire's motto: "Live Free or Die"

Mississippi's motto:
"You GONNA die"

Five things I learned from my trip:

1) Never trust Google's hotel ratings

The sh*thole I stayed in was rated as four stars on Google:

After being there personally, I can see this place ONLY being a four-star rating if the total number of stars you could get was 500 million.

2) Don't piss off the motel desk clerk

Here's how my check-in conversation went.

Me (disgusted): "I didn't realize this was a MOtel...I thought they booked me into a HOtel."

Lady clerk: "Say what?! This ain't no MOTEL."

(say in a "Oh NO YOU DI'NT!!" voice for best effect).

Me: "A hotel has it's room doors on the inside. A motel has them on the outside. That's the difference. This is a motel."


*Evil stare*

Clerk: "Here's your key."


MOTEL Bitch.

3) Pissed off lady motel clerks are crafty

Three minutes after the above took place:

Me (coming back into lobby): "I need a new room."

Lady MOTEL clerk: "Why?"

Me: "There's hot air coming out of the air conditioner and the room smells like pee."

Then (I swear)...she laughed.

She booked me into the "hot urine room" on purpose.

I hate travel.

4) I now know why Mississippi was ranked as the number one state for obesity and unhealthiness

You know how in hotels (sorry...MOtels, too), they give you the list of "Local Restaurants?"'s what mine said (I am not making this up):

Local Restaurants:

1) Wendy's
2) Taco Bell
3) McDonald's
4) Arby's
5) Kentucky Fried Chicken
6) Popeye's

I also saw a "Bojangles Fried Chicken" on the way to the job site.

That makes three fried f*cking chicken places in a 1/2 mile radius.

Seriously...How much Goddamn fried chicken can you fat sh*ts take?

8) Waffle House
9) Domino's Pizza
10) Papa John's Pizza

..then..also on the "local restaurant" list...

11) Sunrise Liquor Store

I guess liquor has grain in it...which kind of makes it like cereal...which I guess allows this place to be considered a restaurant.

If I lived there, I would end up looking like this:

5) Always try to end your trip on a good note

Good things DID happen to me.

For starters, my last leg home was upgraded to First Class.

Hooray for me!!

Unfortunately, it was a red-eye, so I slept through the whole f*cking thing and didn't enjoy it

(nope..missed the drinks, the pillows, the hot towels..the whole shebang)

However, I sat next to a soldier on that flight.

He was in camouflage, so I'm assuming he was a soldier.

Either that, or he was doing a really, really bad job trying to hide...because I could see his hands.



Me, being the anti-social prick that I am, didn't talk to him. As such, I had no idea if he was coming or going or just dressing up.

When we got off the plane, I was following behind him to the lobby of the airport.

There, greeting him at 1 o'clock in the morning, was a HUGE crowd of people.

They had banners, flowers, balloons...they were all clapping and cheering and jumping.

I'd never seen anything like it in person.

This guy was coming home.

I stopped to clap, too...I was really happy for him.

It was then that I heard it:


His little daughter, probably about 2 years old, came bolting out of the crowd straight and bear-hugged him.


Awesome, awesome moment.

Had my tear ducts not been all dried up from crying alone in the bathroom of my motel for the past two days out of sheer terror...

...I would have probably started welling up right then and there.

Hell...I'd only been gone for two days, and my kids attacked me when they saw me this morning like it's been ages since I left.

Granted...they attacked me with knives and a homemade shiv...but, whatever.


I CANNOT imagine what life is like for his kids.

Here's the article of the soldiers coming home to New Hampshire from Afghanistan.

The guy on my flight was Captain Dan Ouellet. His name is at the bottom of the article. A mix-up of his orders got him on my flight instead.

Welcome home, Captain.


So - yeah, Mississippi sucked more ass then Jenna Jameson...

...and if I ever go there again it will have to be in a f*cking body bag because there's NO WAY I'm volunteering to put my life in my hands again.

Like that soldier does.

I wish I'd talked to him, now.

I'd tell him "thanks."

Moog's back...

...and he's going to sleep now...without the fear of gunfire outside my door.



Malicious Intent said...

Welcome home Moooog, and it was good for you to see what a real man is like! :) (ducking now.)

I felt pretty strongly about our troops too and they are volunteering as security at our golf outing. If I was going to let anyone have that kind of fun for the day, I wanted it to be folks who servered over seas and truly deserved it.

billymac said...

sounds like a cool scene with the soldier coming home... i'm still glad to hear when people support the troops even though they most likely hate the folks that sent them into war.

Unknown said...

That guy prolly did not want to talk to your crazy ass anyway. He told me you smelled like Fried Chicken, and piss. He just assumed you were from Mississippi.

Mike said...

Wow, you actually made it back from Mississippi alive. Damn. I lost a shit ton of money on that bet.

Did you get raped or anything?

Moooooog35 said...

MI: You're right. Sitting next to that soldier and seeing that makes me almost feel emasculated about shrieking at the sight of a spider. Almost. You can't change the fact that they're F*CKING CREEPY.

Billymac: It was very cool. Then I had to pay $34 for parking and the good feeling went away.

Doggy: I was wondering why the neighborhood hobos were coming up to me. Thanks for clearing that up.

Mike: Sorry to ruin your gambling streak. If you had the over/under on me sh*tting my pants on the drive back to my hotel, though, you should be pretty well off.

Anonymous said...

I was at the airport a few years ago and lady was there with her two kids - very young kids. She had told them that they were there to see Santa. Then, all of a sudden, there was their dad in camo. He had come home in time for xmas. I've never cried so hard in my life. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

FreeOscar said...

Good thing you wrote this back up in Yankeeville. You don't talk smack about Fried Chicken & you don't talk smack about someone's mama down here.

Hungry Mother said...

I know you're pissed off, but did you have to nail them with tornadoes today?

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you're home and that you didn't get vandalized or homocided or spanked.

Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

Glad you made it back in one piece. After some therapy, you might even be able to look back on your trip and laugh. Or not.

Jen said...

Awesome, awesome moment.

Had my tear ducts not been all dried up from crying alone in the bathroom of my motel for the past two days out of sheer terror...

...I would have probably started welling up right then and there.

I laughed out loud at this.

We had reservations at a nasty hotel like that in Richmondn VA. I swear there was a pimp and a crack dealer in the lobby. I was pregnant and our room was missing ceiling tiles and smelled. We went right back to the desk and asked for a refund. Ugh, so nasty.

Glad you made it home safely!

Moooooog35 said...

Mimzie: I was fine up until the kid. I think they did this or dramatic effect.

C.Rag: I'm from New England. Saying I'm from Yankeeville can get me killed. I'm from Red Sox Nation. Yankees suck. There's a difference.

Hungry: That's what dem bitches get.

Diva: I'm glad I'm back too. Now...if I can just find a place to get some fried chicken...

Wolf: Yes...bullets in your work's parking lot ensue hilarity. don't think I'll be laughing.

Jen: You sure that wasn't the Comfort Inn in Jackson? I think I saw the same pimp! (Dink stole my money)

linda said...

Thanks for the low down on mrs hippy. I shall recall that if I ever need to experience the "other" side of life.

Lots of brave men doing good things for your country. Puts things in perspective.

Baba Doodlius said...

I'd take a couple days in Jackson over a year in Afghanistan any time.

But I'm still glad to head you didn't get anally raped. Or at least you didn't admit to it. Whichever.

Anonymous said...

LOL good you made it out alive with hardly a scratch or things that scratch or something.....

prin said...

Aw, sweetest post ever. I almost couldn't believe it.

Very honorable of you, moooog. :)

Anonymous said...

My name is Terri and I'm Captain Ouellet's wife. Thank you for writing this about him... we're all very proud of him, and all the guys from his unit. That kid was one of our two daughters, Lauren, who is four years old and needless to say, she is extremely happy her Daddy is back home... as we all are.

Your blog is hilarious, by the way!

Anyway, thanks again for this...

Welcome home to you too... Gotta love NH!


Moooooog35 said...

Wow, Terri.

Thank you for commenting...I feel humbled.

Honestly, tell your husband I said "thanks" and to thank him for all that he does. I'm sure you and his family are very, very proud.

Anonymous said...

Oh GOD! Humbled is how I felt reading this, that you were moved by an experience of our family enough to write about it... Dan, for his part, doesn't like the recognition, he'd have been happier if his homecoming had been unceremonious! He wouldn't even kiss me on the lips because there were too many people watching at the time!

I was in tears myself, reading your perspective of the experience. It just means a lot that there so much support out there for these men and women who serve; support that comes from many, many people who we'll probably never have the chance to thank personally for being that guy who clapped at the airport for a soldier returning home.

So this was my chance to say thank you... for showing your support to a returning veteran who just happened to be my husband.

P.S. based on your informative review, we have now taken Jackson off of our list of possible vacation spots! ;)

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