Dear Moog: Will Meteorites Make Me Have Sex? | Mental Poo

Friday, May 02, 2008

Dear Moog: Will Meteorites Make Me Have Sex?


It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where I take it on the chin...

...just like the majority of New York Yankees players.

Homosexual facials are funny.


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Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.
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Our letter today is from "Will."

Dear Moog.

I would like to know what sort of tunes you listen to, when you aren't "playing chess with the pope" that is.

What are your thoughts on Meteorites? Giant flying rocks, or just a cheap way to scare kids into having premarital intercourse?

Also, if you were stranded on a desert island, just yourself, and nobody else... what's your favorite dinosaur?

I look forward to seeing your responses, and have a happy Halloween.

-Will


Hi Will, let's address your concerns one at a time.

First off, let's look at how you started your letter:

"Dear Moog."

"Dear Moog" isn't a sentence, you stupid f*cksh*t, and - therefore - shouldn't contain a period (much like menopausal women).

The correct grammar here is:

"Dearest Moog, creator of all that is blasphemous and one extremely handsome individual (seriously...what type of moisturizer do you use to pull that off?):"

The correct punctuation at the end of that is either a comma or one of those squiggly bracket thingies "{".

Don't forget it.


Okay, on to your questions:

"I would like to know what sort of tunes you listen to, when you aren't "playing chess with the pope" that is."

I listen pretty much to Devil music.

Anything hard rock, metal, or 1980's Glam is fine with me.


If the lyrics include:

1) death
2) dismemberment
3) chicks
4) chicks who die by dismemberment
5) the devil
6) anything unintelligible accompanied by bitchin' guitars
7) your video stars Tawny Kitaen before she resembled a bar of used soap

...I'll probably like it.

In fact, I had to work overnight from home last week.

Browsing through the channels, I see that VH1 Classic has "80's Rock" on.

Me: "ZOINKS!"


(my middle name is "Shaggy")


I immediately ran over to get my drumsticks from my "Rock Band" game...

...and sat on the couch "air drumming" at 2 in the morning.

As my wife comes to check on me at 3 in the morning...

I'm sitting in the dark...on the couch...in my underwear...flailing away at a pair of drums that didn't exist...

...to the tune of "Smooth Up In Ya" by the Bulletboys

(Best. Song. Ever.)

For your enjoyment:



I need to do that again sometime.

Although, I also have stupid sh*t in my collection like "Charlie Daniels" and Prince.

However, as you guessed, I only listen to Prince when I'm "playing chess with the Pope."

My "Pope" is partial to "Raspberry Beret."

Sometimes, I even dress my hands up as Sheila E.

Pope likes that.


"What are your thoughts on Meteorites? Giant flying rocks, or just a cheap way to scare kids into having premarital intercourse?"


To this, I say:

Duh.

Seriously, what better way to get laid when you're 14 then to tell some chick that a meteorite is heading our way?

Trust me, I've tried THIS one AND "..they said the genital warts will go away faster if I have sex RIGHT NOW"...

...and the meteor one works MUCH better.


Although, kids nowadays only need the fear of being a father or mother LATER in life - say, 16 or 17 years old - to scare them into premarital relations.

I mean, really - why wait until you have pubes to have sex?

They just get in the way and also increase the potential for a fatal choking incident.

Unfortunately, it took me 39 years to figure out that "smooth is better"...

...when I had to shave my balls for my vasectomy.

Had I known this little fact years ago, I would have used the meteor card much sooner.


"Also, if you were stranded on a desert island, just yourself, and nobody else... what's your favorite dinosaur?"

If it was me, all alone...no one for miles...no communication...no luxuries...no accomodations...

I probably still couldn't decide on my favorite dinosaur.

I mean, seriously, all I've been doing on this island is playing chess with the Pope and singing f*cking "Raspberry Beret."


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There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

13 comments:

Hungry Mother said...

I've been using meteorites for years. I only quit when date rape drugs became available.

Buzzardbilly said...

I can't think of meteorites without thinking of Joe Dirt. I love Joe Dirt.

LMAO at "I shaved my balls for this?"

Tequila Mockingbird said...

dear moog,
if you had to be violated by any type of sports player, which would it be and why? your sports options are baseball, basketball, football, soccer, or hockey.

catscratch diva said...

I fell for that old metorite line....

I'm still wondering what your take on my last question is.

moooooog35 said...

Tequila: It would have to be David Beckham...and only because there's a possibility Posh Spice would watch and want to join in. If she's not home, all bets are off since I don't actually consider soccer a sport...and more like "something to do when I'm tired of watching lint gather on my carpet."

Catscratch: You're on deck...got it all written up and everything!!!

Blonde Goddess said...

Love the ball shaving idea but that's only because I hate getting hair stuck in my teeth...

rs27 said...

Will has issues.

Obviously dinoasaurs can't exist on an island.

Stupid.

Buzzardbilly said...

Dear Moog, I once had a rather tricky sexual situation. At the time, I knew not what to do about it and the internet had yet to exist so there were no wise souls like you to ask about it. I'll set the scene. It's ye olden days. My bf (now husband) and I were having some of that sex we'd been hearing so much about. The lights were all off, so it was all sensations, no vision for us. We finish. I get up and go to the little sexstresses room and find *EGAD* my Aunt Flow had decided to visit right in the middle of our fun. I'm a mess. I'm sure he's a mess. I wonder what to say. Then as I'm washing my hands, I look in the mirror and see the perfect imprint of his penis in my blood on my cheek, as if Keith Herring himself had painted it there. I start laughing uncontrollably, flip on all of the lights, and say "would ya look at this?"

Was this the correct response? If not, what is the correct response? The bathroom, btw, does not have a window for scurrying away in naked shame.

Hick@Heart said...

I don't understand what meteorites have to do with sex, don't they just hang from the tops of caves?

Gotta go shave my balls and try and talk my chick into going to some cave to look at meteorites.

Meghan said...

No but seriously, what kind of moisturizer do you use?

Indrani Bhattacharya said...

I don't mind the way Tawny looks in the second snap, at all. Long, healthy, straight hair. How does she manage to keep it so healthy?

Middle aged men who have a problem with how women look when they are past their prime, should be brave enough to post their own photo, where their faces are clearly visible and allow the state of their physique to be open to criticism. Those who don't do so are cowards. Not a very manly trait. *shrugs*
Atleast Tawny doesn't care if anyone is making fun of her.

Middle aged men look tired despite the fact that they didn't develop stretch marks from pregnancy, never suffered morning sickness and post-natal depression and didn't have to endure menorrhoea and the hormonal fluctuations associated with menopause.
What was that saying about stones and glass houses?

This type of men, also have the childish habit of imagining insult, when it wasn't intended.

Buzzardbilly said...

↑↑ O_o

itsjennie said...

*overwhelmed by all of the intensely Pooptastic chit-chat*

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